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I don't display "flashes of ego," you Afflictor jackass.

Many years ago there was a toothy peanut man from Georgia named Jimmy Carter who became President of the United States. I’m not old enough to analyze the Carter Presidency from memory, but I’ve always believed him to be an honest if feckless leader who was plagued by the Iranian hostage crisis and gas shortages. He’s done wonderful charitable work since leaving office, though he occasionally displays flashes of ego. Overall: a decent man who wasn’t a very distinguished POTUS.

The quasi-Libertarian economist and gourmand Tyler Cowen has a different take on Carter’s legacy on his wonderful site, Marginal Revolution. See Cowen’s whole post. (The reader comments below the post are also worth reading.) Here’s an excerpt:

“At the time I thought Carter was a reasonably good President and it was far from obvious to me that the election of Reagan would in net terms boost liberty or prosperity.

I do understand that he was a public relations disaster and he shouldn’t have fired his entire Cabinet and that he botched the Iran invasion.

Still, I think of Carter as a President with some major pluses and overall I view his term as a step in the right direction.  He also seems to have been non-corrupt — important so soon after Watergate — and since leaving office he has behaved honorably and intelligently, for the most part.”

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Not one of those smiley conservatives. (Image by David Shankbone.)

I guess I don’t follow the politics of playwrights closely enough, but my immediate reaction when I read David Mamet’s article, “Why I Am No Longer A ‘Brain-Dead Liberal,'” in the Village Voice a couple years back was: Mamet was a liberal?!? Having read his plays and watched his films, I always assumed that he was a right-wing guy. It wasn’t anything specific in his work, just a vibe I got from it. And who cares either way? He’s done a lot of great writing.

Terry Teachout has an analysis of Mamet’s conversion in Commentary. (The piece is pegged to Mamet’s new book of essays, Theatre.) It’s an interesting read, though I don’t agree with Teachout’s conclusion that politically liberal critics will only interpret Mamet’s work from here on in through the prism of his political transformation. An excerpt about Mamet’s disdain for government subsidies for theater:

“Conversely, Mamet dismisses state subsidy for the theatrical arts as no more than a means of propping up incompetent ‘champions of right thinking’ whose work would otherwise be incapable of attracting an audience. Such playwrights, he says, are purveyors of politically correct ‘pseudodramas’ that ‘begin with a conclusion (capitalism, America, men, and so on, are bad) and award the audience for applauding its agreement.’ For Mamet, such plays are the opposite of true theater, whose power lies not in its willingness to coddle our preconceptions but its unparalleled ability to shock us into seeing the world as it really is. ‘In the great drama,’ he writes, ‘we follow a supposedly understood first principle to its astounding and unexpected conclusion. We are pleased to find ourselves able to revise our understanding.'”

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Sharron Angle: Photo fuzzy, as is her reasoning. (Image by Steve Wainstead.)

Sharron Angle: We need people to really stand for faith and trust, not hope and change.

Decoder: By telling people to not vote for change, I seem to be encouraging them to support my opponent, the incumbent Harry Reid. That can’t be good for me.

Sharron Angle: Harry Reid is a consummate politician.

Decoder: Unlike me. I’m a total stumblefuck.

Sharron Angle: And these programs that you mentioned–that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward–are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment.

Decoder: Why wait to see if I’m elected before blurring the line between church and state?

Sharron Angle: I know people are very frightened about what’s going on in this country.

Decoder: Most of them are frightened of me.

Sharron Angle: Harry Reid’s plan to save the Nevada economy is coked-up stimulus monkeys.

Decoder: I’m trying to twist a legitimate university drug-research project that involves monkeys into a scandal for my political gain. According to the Washington Post: “Bonnie Davis, a spokeswoman for The Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, told ABC the ‘small grant has helped protect very important research that will have significant impact on public health in regards to cocaine addiction and the issue of relapse.'”

Please do not stop your cocaine research. I love science so very much. (Image by Jorge Perez.)

Sharron Angle: [Harry Reid] reinvents himself at each one of his elections.

Decoder: This time he’s running as the person who’s not the crazy lady.

Sharron Angle: We know that once we have a majority that are dependent upon the government, we will lose our freedom.

Decoder: But think of all the extra time we’ll have. We won’t have to rush around when buying cocaine for our monkeys.

Sharron Angle: We need to have the press be our friend. We want them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.

Decoder: The press will probably never be my friend, but Harry Reid seems to like me more every time I open my mouth.

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One of Barbara Ehrenreich's books made the list. (Image by David Shankbone.)

The faculty at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute have published their list of the ten best pieces of journalism of the decade. Below is a bare-bones list; click here to find out more about each of them.

  • “A Nation Challenged” (The New York Times, 2001.)
  • Random Family: Love, Drugs, Trouble, and Coming of Age in the Bronx (Adrian Nicole LeBlanc, 2003.)
  • The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11 (Lawrence Wright, 2006.)
  • “The Giant Pool of Money” (This American Life & NPR, 2008.)
  • Ongoing reports from Iraq and Afghanistan (The New York Times, 2003-2009.)
  • The Dark Side: The Inside Story of How the War on Terror Turned into a War on American Ideals (Jane Mayer, 2008.)
  • Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America (Barbara Ehrenreich, 2001.)
  • Coverage of Hurricane Katrina (The Times-Picayune, 2005.)
  • “Soldiers Face Neglect, Frustration at Army’s Top Medical Facility” (The Washington Post, 2007.)
  • Abuse in the Catholic Church” (The Boston Globe, 2002.)

President Barack Obama: I hope Sherri liked me. (Image by Steve Jurvetson)

Sarah Palin tweet: President w/no time to visit porous US/Mexican border to offer help to those risking life to secure us, but lotso’ time to chat on The View?

Decoder: I was Alaska Governor w/no time to finish my only term in office ’cause I needed lotso’ time to make money as loudmouth media celebrity. #uselesssackofcrap

Rush Limbaugh: Obama is trying to get his numbers up. Obama is out there. He’s going to tape an appearance on The View. A lot of Democrats say, “This is not dignified. You’re not dignifying the office of the Presidency.” The dirty little secret is that for every day Obama is in that office, he denigrates it. He becomes less and less Presidential with each passing day.

Decoder: I know that Obama has done nothing to denigrate the office. People can agree or disagree with his policies, but he’s a classy guy who’s carried himself well as President. Now I would have a case if he behaved like I do. I was helplessly addicted to QxyContin and detained for several hours of questioning by authorities after returning from a trip to the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra that didn’t have my name on the prescription.

Rush: Kneepads and dildos available for overnight shipping.

Rush Limbaugh: I followed through, by the way, and sent some kneepads to Maude Behar by FedEx. She ought to get ‘em today in advance of the taping of the show tomorrow.

Decoder: I’m a man who owns kneepads. I have many pairs and can spare a few.

Michelle Malkin: It’s telling that he goes to cry on the shoulders of the sympathetic women of The View.

Decoder: Why did I never criticize Bush for doing interviews with friendly Fox News? Also: I don’t seem to have a problem with The View when I go on that show to promote my books. Maybe I’m just another weirdo opportunist.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell: I think the President should be accessible, should answer questions that aren’t pre-screened, but I think there should be a little bit of dignity to the Presidency. I wouldn’t put him on Jerry Springer, too, right?

Decoder: I’m the great media analyst who praised Fox News for its objectivity during the 2008 Presidential election.

Fox News: It’s the one hundredth anniversary of the Boy Scouts, but instead of honoring the future leaders of our country, President Obama sat down with the ladies of The View.

Decoder: Obama sent a videotaped message to the Boy Scout Jamboree instead of attending in person, just as W. did in the summer of 2001.

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Linda McMahon: A pantsuit doesn't make you Hillary.

Linda McMahon: It’s time to shake things up. It’s time for something different.

Decoder: You notice I said it’s time for Connecticut to try something different, not something better? I’m definitely not better.

Linda McMahon: I was the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, a soap opera that entertains millions every week. That isn’t real.

Decoder: I repeatedly refer to my wrestling company as a soap opera because I want to downplay the very real and horrible consequences that my employees have repeatedly faced. In order to have a hugely muscular appearance, deal with injuries and maintain a grueling travel schedule, many wrestlers who work for me have had to rely on a cocktail of steroids, HGH, pain killers and other narcotics. And repeated head injuries have led many of these workers to likely incur brain damage. These systemic problems have caused a large number of my employees to die in their 20s, 30s and 40s. That is real.

Linda McMahon: I think it’s unfortunate that someone who’s in public office, like Richard Blumenthal, would have had so many instances in the course of his career to be misleading to the people he represents.  To have had sort of a pattern of deception over a period of time I think is reflective of character.

Decoder: Richard Blumenthal overstating his military record is unfortunate, but it’s a joke for someone with my long history of disgraceful behavior to question anyone else’s character.

WWE wrestler Eddie Fatu might have voted for Linda McMahon, if he hadn't died recently at age 36. (Image by Justin Moody.)

Linda McMahon: Offshore oil drilling will create jobs and increase energy supply without cost to the taxpayer. Burdensome regulations can inhibit growth.

Decoder: BP has created many jobs in the Gulf. Unfortunately, they are jobs cleaning up an environmental disaster that was abetted by deregulation.

Linda McMahon: One of the things missing today in some of our leaders is real-life experiences.

Decoder: I have a lot of experience putting racist and sexist stereotypes on TV and attending the funerals of my young employees.

Linda McMahon: Connecticut families are losing jobs because of Washington spending money we don’t have.

Decoder: Job losses were caused by the deregulation of the financial industry, which led to our financial collapse. Deficit spending in Washington on the stimulus package has created some jobs.

Linda McMahon: It’s time to pass a balanced budget amendment to reign in that spending long term.

Decoder: An amendment requiring a balanced budget sounds good to worried voters, but it’s unrealistic and can even be injurious to the economy. I know as little about economics as I do about keeping my employees alive.

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Floatplanes stand in the midst of King Salmon's natural beauty. (Image by Charlie Kindel.)

Paul Rockwood Jr. and Nadia Rockwood were essential parts of their rural community in King Salmon, Alaska. He was the local weatherman and she was a stay-at-home mom who sang in the local choir and acted in community plays. They were beloved by their neighbors, who were crestfallen when the couple announced they and their four-year-old son were moving to her native England. But before the Rockwoods could leave the state, they were arrested by FBI agents. The pair had secretly been drafting a list of U.S. assassination targets, who they felt were enemies of Islam.

Their neighbors who adored them were left stunned. The Rockwoods weren’t members of a sleeper cell, pretending to be well-adjusted Americans. They seemed to genuinely enjoy their small-town life but gradually grew a homicidal bent as Paul, who had converted to Islam in the early 2000s, came under the sway of extremist websites. The Los Angles Times has a story about the town in the aftermath of the arrests. An excerpt:

This week, Paul and Nadia Rockwood pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court in Anchorage to one count of willfully making false statements to the FBI; in Paul Rockwood’s case, it was a statement about domestic terrorism.

The plea agreements state that Rockwood, 35, had become an adherent of extremist Islam who had prepared a list of assassination targets, including U.S. service members. And, though no plot to carry out the killings was revealed, he had researched methods of execution, including guns and explosives, the agreements say.

Federal charging papers said his wife, 36, who is five months pregnant with the couple’s second child, lied to investigators when she denied knowing that an envelope she took to Anchorage in April at her husband’s request contained a list of 15 intended targets. (None were in Alaska.) She told FBI agents that she thought the envelope contained a letter or a book. She gave it to an unidentified individual who her husband believed shared his radical beliefs, the FBI said.

The plea agreements the couple signed said Paul Rockwood converted to Islam in late 2001 or early 2002 while living in Virginia and became a follower of radical U.S.-born Muslim cleric Anwar Awlaki, now believed to be living in Yemen.

‘This included a personal conviction that it was his religious responsibility to exact revenge by death on anyone who desecrated Islam,’ his agreement said.

Here in King Salmon, where the biggest thing is the annual red salmon run–it happens to be the biggest one in the world — this has the air of a poorly written movie.

‘If all terrorists were this harmless, we’d all be living in a much less complicated world,’ said Rebecca Hamon, who lived in Camarillo before moving 12 years ago to King Salmon, on the Alaska Peninsula, 280 miles southwest of Anchorage.

‘We’ve all been in shock,’ said Mary Swain, who was friends with Nadia and baked the birthday cake for the Rockwoods’ son’s party last year. ‘I mean, kids would go over to her house all the time where she was teaching them ballet. She always went to library time, she went to story time…Her mom would come over here from England and stay with her for a month at a time, and people got to be friends with her too.'”

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Glenn Beck: Breathes through his ass. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.

Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.

Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.

Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.

Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”

Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.

Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…

Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.

Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.

Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.

Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.

Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.

J.C.: That breakfast burrito isn't sitting right, Glenny. (Image by Jack Merridew.)

Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…

Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.

Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.

Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.

Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.

Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.

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Sen. John Cornyn: Also fondly recalls his 2006 colonoscopy.

Sen. John Cornyn: Bush’s stock has gone up a lot since he left office.

Decoder: I mean the stock market has gone up a lot since he left office. It tanked during his administration. When it comes to Bush’s own stock as a leader, 71% of Americans who were recently polled by Time think Bush’s policies were responsible for the Great Recession.

Sen. John Cornyn: I think a lot of people are looking back with a little–with more fondness on President Bush’s administration.

Decoder: Even I can’t believe we’re going to try to push the Bush administration as the “good old days.” The Siena Research Institute recently released a poll of leading Presidential scholars and W. was named as the worst President of modern times and one of the worst in U.S. history.

Rep. Pete Sessions: We need to go back to the exact same agenda that is empowering the free enterprise system rather than diminishing it.

W.: Available for children's parties.

Decoder: Having so little regulation is what led us into this colossal financial mess. Why would return to that exact same agenda? Why not try something better?

Rep. Pete Sessions: People had jobs when Republicans were not only in charge but George Bush was there.

Decoder: Well, weapons inspectors had jobs, but we didn’t actually use them. Most other people lost their jobs when Bush was President.

Sen John Cornyn: I think history will treat [George W. Bush] well.

Decoder: WMDs; Iraq War; “Mission Accomplished”; waterboarding; America despised abroad; attempts to destroy Social Security; “Heckuva job, Brownie”; economic collapse; relentless partisanship; the failure to pronounce the word “nuclear”; etc.

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Sarah Palin: Community organizers deserve to be mocked by a celebrity loudmouth. (Image by Tricia Ward.)

Sarah Palin: I am saddened by the NAACP’s claim that patriotic Americans who stand up for the United States of America’s Constitutional rights are somehow “racists.”

Decoder: It’s merely a coincidence that a group of white citizens discovered that there is corruption in Washington at the very second that the first African-American President took office. And the Birther movement, which I’ve encouraged, that states Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen has nothing to do with seeing him as illegitimate because of his race.

Sarah Palin: This is some typical divisive politics that is so absolutely unnecessary.

Decoder: Everything I do is about being divisive. When I stood up at the Republican National Convention and mocked young people who work as community organizers, trying to bring some hope to our poorest communities, that was divisive. When I tried to sidetrack health-care reform with the death-panel nonsense, that was divisive. When I told tea Party members to “don’t retreat, reload,” I was being divisive.

Sarah Palin: The Tea Party Movement is a beautiful movement, full of diverse people.

Decoder: Some of the white Tea Party members are tall and some not as tall.

With liberty and justice for all. (Image by dbking.)

Sarah Palin: Both Todd and I were raised to measure a person according to their capacity and willingness to love, work, forgive, contribute, and show good character.

Decoder: But I outgrew that stuff and became a resentment-driven, lying, accusatory selfish creep.

Sarah Palin: I know how Tea Party Americans feel to be falsely accused

Decoder: I was once accused of not being a complete tool. False.

Sarah Palin: [The Tea Party is made up of] folks of all walks of life who, for the most part, happen to oppose President Obama’s policies. Not the color of his skin. They don’t care that he’s half-white or half-black.

Decoder: They don’t care about the half-white part.

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Newt Gingrich: Moonlights as a scarecrow. (Image by Pete Souza.)

Newt Gingrich: [President Obama] is not like Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton was an Arkansas, Southern Baptist, sort of understood middle Americans. While he had some Yale overtones of being liberal, the truth is Bill Clinton was quite happy to move to the right.

Decoder: What’s funny is during the 1990s, I called Bill Clinton an “enemy of normal” and painted him as a radical, a socialist and an extremist. So I was either lying about him then or I’m lying now. Also: If I thought Bill Clinton was really a middle-of-the road guy, why did I spend so much time trying to force him out of office? That kind of makes it look  like I’m a partisan windbag who’s not to be trusted.

Newt Gingrich: The people [Obama] appoints are more radical than he is and less competent.

Decoder: Hillary Clinton, Janet Napolitano, Kathleen Sebelius and Sonia Sotomayor all seem like competent and reasonable people, but I disagree with them philosophically so I have to label them as radical rather than intelligently argue the issues.

Newt Gingrich: [President Obama] is a disaster. His principles are fundamentally wrong.

Decoder: My principles are the right ones. Like, remember how I used to lecture everyone about family values? All three of my wives agree that it was the right thing to do.

Corncobs: Newt keeps us safe.

Newt Gingrich: It’s fair to say that by February the groundwork will have been laid to consider seriously whether or not to run [for President]. I’ve never been so serious.

Decoder: It’s fair to say that I threaten to run for President every six months or so because I love my ego very, very much.

Newt Gingrich: I think likable is a word you have to think about a lot. If people believe their country is in trouble, they want a captain of the lifeboat, they don’t want a fraternity brother.

Decoder: Even I know that I’m a hateful, hypocritical, lying sack of crap. I’m just hoping things get so bad that it won’t matter. Maybe if there’s a plague of frogs or an apocalypse.

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Edwin Booth in his Hamlet costume five years after his brother assassinated Lincoln. (Image by J. Gurney & Son.)

Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation relates the author’s road trip to those sad places where American political murder has occurred. I think just about everyone knows that Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth, came from a famous theatrical family, but Vowell zeroes in on an interesting sidebar: the life and career of the celebrated Shakespearean performer Edwin Booth, the killer’s brother, after the horror of the murder. A passage in which the writer explains to a friend who Edwin was:

“I tell him how Edwin was known as the Hamlet of his day, how his father, Junius Brutus was the greatest Shakespearean actor in England, until 1821, when he emigrated to Maryland, at which point he became the greatest Shakespearean actor in America; how three of Junius’ s children became actors themselves–Edwin, John Wilkes and Junius Brutus Jr.; how the three brothers appeared onstage together only once, in Julius Caesar here in New York in 1864 as a benefit performance for the Shakespeare statue in Central Park;

how their performance was interrupted because that was the night that Confederate terrorists set fires in hotels up and down Broadway and Edwin, who was playing Brutus, interrupted the play to reassure the audience; how the next morning Edwin informed John at breakfast that he had voted for Lincoln’s reelection and they got into one of the arguments they were always having about North versus South; how Edwin retired from acting out of shame when he heard his brother was the president’s assassin, but that nine months later, broke, he returned to the stage here in New York, as Hamlet, to a standing ovation; how he bought the house on Gramercy Park South and turned it into the Players Club, a social club for his fellow thespians and others, including Mark Twain and General Sherman; how he built his own theater, the Booth, on Twenty-third and Sixth, where Sarah Bernhardt made her American debut; and how, in the middle of the Civil War, on a train platform in Jersey City, he rescued a young man who had fallen on to the tracks and that man was Robert Todd Lincoln, the president’s son, so he’s the Booth who saved a Lincoln’s life.”

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Rush Limbaugh: Feeling no pain in his 2006 Palm Beach booking photo.

Rush Limbaugh: We’re now governed by people who do not like the country, who do not have the same reverence for it that we do. Our greatest threat (and this is saying something) is internal.

Decoder: I can’t just disagree with Obama on the issues. I can’t simply say that I favor deregulation and other facets of an unfettered free-market system because even though such policy can lead to periods of economic turmoil, it is the best way to foster wealth creation in the long term. I need to demonize Obama with ridiculous ad hominem attacks because I have made my living catering to a base of simpleminded hatemongers.

Rush Limbaugh: [Obama’s] going to do everything in his power to help our economy create jobs? You mean like shutting down offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska that’s going to wipe out a hundred thousand jobs?  Is that what you mean?  You mean all the other regulations that you are placing on other areas of business that are going to result in a loss of jobs?

Decoder: Actually it was a lack of regulations that allowed banks to sink our economy and ruin the job market and likely also led to the Gulf oil disaster. And if anything, Obama has been reluctant to step up regulations in the financial sector.

Rush Limbaugh: We have plenty of external threats, enemies across oceans, but we have a threat inside as well.

Decoder: Well, I do, anyhow. It’s called my heart. I’ve ingested a lot of pizza delivery and pain pills in my day.

That'll be $22.50, Butterbean. (Image by Axelv.)

Rush Limbaugh: Bill Clinton and Hillary were and are pedal-to-the-metal liberals.  But they didn’t want to destroy things. This bunch does.

Decoder: If Hillary Clinton had won the Presidency, I would be accusing her of willfully destroying the country as payback for sexism.

Rush Limbaugh: It is exactly how I think Obama looks at the country: It’s payback time. I think that he’s been raised, educated, and believes on his own that this country has been (as you know) immoral and unjust…we have become as large as we are not because of any uniqueness or exceptionalism or greatness but because we’ve simply discriminated against the real people that made the country work, all the minorities…there’s no question that payback is what this administration is all about, presiding over the decline of the United States of America, and doing so happily.

Decoder: Obama wants to purposely harm the country because he thinks white people need to be taught a lesson for a slavery, and that is why he ruined the economy. Except, of course, the economy collapsed under a white Republican President who I endorsed and supported. Oh, whatever. I just say stupid, irresponsible crap and people give me bags of money.

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Ted Nugent: Tough guy who loves guns, requested a draft deferment during Vietnam. (Image by Lenny Francioni.)

Ted Nugent: I’ve been 61 years clean and sober, celebrating the American Dream, simply of being the best that you can be.

Decoder: The best I can be is an immature, miserable jackass. I know, not great, right?

Ted Nugent: Everybody I hang with–the ranchers, the farmers, the cops, the teachers, the plumbers…

Decoder: I’d like to establish my working-class bona fides.

Ted Nugent: …everybody I hang with, they got an alarm clock…

Decoder: Or they’d be late for functions. Although some people have an internal alarm clock. It’s kind of spooky.

Ted Nugent: …they put their heart and soul into being the very best that they can be, they want to be an asset to their families, their neighborhoods, they want to be productive members of society.

Decoder: I’m romanticizing people who agree with me on issues, artificially empowering my arguments. Most people have good and bad sides.

Ted Nugent: And then they see an Administration that is spitting on the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule.

Decoder: Of course, I may be judging this President with some prejudice since in 2007 I said, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun.”

Dr. Martin Luther King: If you own a crossbow, do not quote me. (Image by Dick MeMarsico.)

Ted Nugent: I’m going to quote my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King: “We who engage in non-violent direct action are not the cause of tension but rather bringing to the surface a tension that already exists.”

Decoder: I want to criticize the first African-American President broadly and unfairly, so I’m going to claim Martin Luther King as my hero to preempt any suspicion that I’m motivated by racism. It’s an especially curious move since I’ve been a guest on the pro-white radio program, The Political Cesspool.

Ted Nugent: We, the Tea Partiers, we are the people who are speaking up.

Decoder: We’ve been speaking up ever since an African-American guy got to be President. We were strangely silent about corruption in Washington before then.

Ted Nugent: The government works for us, they’re absolutely out of control. The Tea Party and what you stand for, Sean, and what I stand for is one big “A” word–accountability. That’s our money. At least be honest with us.

Decoder: Except if you’re going to honestly point out that I enjoyed being a 13-year-old boy so much that I stayed there the rest of my life. I can’t handle that kind of honesty.

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Harry Reid: Nevadans were desperate to vote me out of office. Thanks for saving my ass, GOP.

Sharron Angle: People are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying, “My goodness what can we do to turn this country around?” And I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

Decoder: Since the Second Amendment allows for the right to bear arms, it appears that I’ve just suggested that someone should murder Harry Reid.

Sharron Angle: We have 14% unemployment in the state of Nevada, the highest foreclosure rate in the nation, and the highest rate of bankruptcy in Nevada. That is where people must hold Harry Reid accountable, because Harry Reid doesn’t care about their jobs. He doesn’t care that they are having trouble staying in their homes and that’s why Harry Reid needs to be fired.

Decoder: This might have been the average campaign rhetoric if I hadn’t also said this: “As your U.S. Senator, I [won’t be] in the business of creating jobs. People ask me what I’m going to do to develop jobs in my state. Well that’s not my job as U.S. Senator.”

Sharron Angle: [I oppose abortion for victims of rape and incest] because I’m a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.

Decoder: Treating victims of horrific sex crimes to moronic platitudes is my idea of Christianity.

Sharron Angle: The separation of church and state is a doctrine meant to protect the church.

Decoder: It’s actually meant to protect that state from religious nuts like me who want to force my idiotic beliefs on others.

Sharron Angle's lemonade stand.

Sharron Angle: [We should bury the nation’s most radioactive waste 90 miles outside of Las Vegas to create jobs] because we need to make lemonade out of lemons.

Decoder: Why won’t anyone ever drink the lemonade I make? It’s so tangy and refreshing. They think it’s radioactive, don’t they?

Sharron Angle: They keep extending unemployment benefits to the point where people are afraid to go out and get a job because the job doesn’t pay as much as the benefit. There are jobs that do exist. We have [created] so much entitlement that we have spoiled our citizenry that they don’t want the jobs that are available. You can make more money on unemployment than you can make by going down and getting one of those jobs that are honest jobs. What we really need to have them do is take those jobs that are entry-level jobs, build up their seniority.

Decoder: When I lose the race for Senator, I am going to go get a minimum-wage job in the fast-food industry. I will gradually work my way up to running the french-fry machine by myself. Even for this, I will be underqualified.

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John Boehner: Strange orange hue.

John Boehner: The American people have written off the Democrats. They’re willing to look at us again.

Decoder: They’ve forgotten what complete creeps members of the GOP are. Of course, we’ll remind them almost immediately. And they might eventually recall that I’m the sack of shit who handed out campaign checks from the tobacco industry to Representatives on the House floor who were in the process of deciding whether they should cut a tobacco subsidy.

John Boehner: They’re snuffing out the America that I grew up in.

Decoder: An America where untalented boobs like myself could use connections to profit inordinately from my position.

John Boehner: Right now, we’ve got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history.

Decoder: The Tea Party protests were tiny compared to Civil Rights protests and anti-Vietnam protests, but it sounds good when I say that, and it’s unlikely that journalists will call me on my bullshit.

John Boehner: There’s a political rebellion brewing, and I don’t think we’ve seen anything like it since 1776.

Decoder: Again: idiotic hyperbole from someone who’s full of crap.

Boehner from the neck down. (Image by QuinnHK.)

John Boehner: We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this [Health Care Reform] law never really takes effect.

Decoder: I will do everything in my power to ensure that there is never affordable health care for poor and working-class people. Only a lying bag of horsecrap like me who puts lobbyists before citizens deserves health care.

John Boehner: This [Wall Street reform] is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.

Decoder: An ant that nearly led us into another Great Depression–and still might.

John Boehner: We need to look at the American people and explain to them that we’re broke. If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you’re retired, why are we paying you at a time when we’re broke? We just need to be honest with people.

Decoder: Dismantling Social Security would be almost as great as denying health care coverage. And we need the money for wars I want to support that we don’t necessarily need to wage.

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David Soul. No public-domain images of Thomas Sowell are available.

Thomas Sowell: A democracy needs informed citizens if it is to thrive, or ultimately even survive.

Decoder: Of course, informed people will be able to see through my bullshit, so scratch that idea.

Thomas Sowell: In our times, American democracy is being dismantled, piece by piece, before our very eyes by the current administration in Washington, and few people seem to be concerned about it.

Decoder: Few people seem concerned by things going on in my head and not in reality.

Thomas Sowell: Just where in the Constitution of the United States does it say that a President has the authority to extract vast sums of money from a private enterprise and distribute it as he sees fit to whomever he deems worthy of compensation? Nowhere.

Decoder: Just where in the in the Constitution of the United States does it say that a President doesn’t have the authority to talk sternly to a multinational corporation that behaved irresponsibly? Nowhere. BP could have said “no,” but they figured it would be easier this way.

Thomas Sowell: And yet that is precisely what is happening with a $20 billion fund to be provided by BP to compensate people harmed by their oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Decoder: Um, not precisely. “Precisely” means “exactly.”

Thomas Sowell: Our government is supposed to be “a government of laws and not of men.”

Decoder: And people from my party made sure that there were fewer and fewer laws that regulated the oil industry.

Paul Michael Glaser: I played Starsky, the dark-haired one.

Thomas Sowell: But the Constitution says that private property is not to be confiscated by the government without “due process of law.”

Decoder: The private property wasn’t confiscated. If BP had said “no” and the government had taken the $20 billion without consent, that would have been confiscation. That didn’t happen.

Thomas Sowell: Technically, it has not been confiscated by Barack Obama, but that is a distinction without a difference.

Decoder: It’s actually a big difference, but I’ll try to gloss over that with a cliche.

Thomas Sowell: When Franklin D. Roosevelt arbitrarily took the United States off the gold standard, he cited a law passed during the First World War to prevent trading with the country’s wartime enemies. But there was no war when FDR ended the gold standard’s restrictions on the printing of money.

Decoder: I’m awake at night worrying about the gold standard like a nudnik.

(Image by Stephen Foskett.)

Thomas Sowell: At about the same time, during the worldwide Great Depression, the German Reichstag passed a law “for the relief of the German people.” That law gave Hitler dictatorial powers that were used for things going far beyond the relief of the German people–indeed, powers that ultimately brought a rain of destruction down on the German people and on others.

Decoder: Obama talking tough to an incredibly irresponsible oil company will lead to Nazism in America. Or maybe I just see everything in ridiculous extremes like a child.

Thomas Sowell: Those who cannot see beyond the immediate events to the issues of arbitrary power–vs. the rule of law and the preservation of freedom–are the “useful idiots” of our time.

Decoder: By labeling those who disagree with me as “idiots,” I am attempting to peremptorily avoid any debate of my very dubious opinions.

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Arianna Huffington: I hope this story about my friend Al Gore and the masseuse has a happy ending.

The left-leaning Huffington Post spent the past day burying the story that liberal icon Al Gore allegedly sexually abused a massage therapist. At first there was a link to the AP piece about it at the very bottom of the Politics page, but that was gone by the next day and the story was never moved to the Front Page. You could say that the site didn’t want to give coverage to unproven allegations, but it does so all the time with other public figures. An example occurred just yesterday when similarly unproven charges of sexual abuse against baseball player Johan Santana were placed midway on the Front Page and still had a link at bottom of that page today. And does anyone believe that the Gore story wouldn’t have been a screaming headline if a right-wing political figure had been linked to similar wrongdoings?

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The show's working title: "Governor Sexy Socks and the Right Wing Lady Earn a Paycheck for a Little While."

Kathleen Parker: We’re going to be an organic talk show where we sit around the kitchen table.

Decoder: The kitchen is the furthest room from the bedroom, right? I don’t want to be with Spitzer near a bedroom.

Eliot Spitzer: We all agree: BP is bad. That’s the easy part. Then you say OK, so what do you do? How do you actually solve the problem? How do you plug the hole?

Decoder: I shouldn’t have used that “plug the hole” phrase, right? But I’m not known for prudence. Except for that hooker named Prudence.

Eliot Spitzer: There’s still a lot of people who are not watching either [Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann]. So somehow we’re figuring there’s still a little reservoir there, we’ll put our fishing rods in.

Decoder: That also sounded suggestive, didn’t it? Because of the stuff I did with all the whores.

Kathleen Parker: Actually, I think that we complement each other very well, and bring completely different perspectives and life experiences.

Decoder: Most of Spitzer’s experiences involve paying and humping.

And don't forget to watch "Heidi Fleiss 360°" at 10pm. She's no dumber than Greta. (Image by Daniel Dacumos,)

Eliot Spitzer: You put my name [on the show] and people will watch one night. I’m expendable.

Decoder: Just like I was when I was Governor of New York.

Kathleen Parker: I don’t really care if a Democrat or a Republican comes up with the right answer, I just want the one that works. And I think Eliot comes from that same place.

Decoder: He actually just came from a place called Madame Vanessa’s.

Eliot Spitzer: The way I look at it, if you want to be validated in your underlying world view, you go to [O’Reilly and Olbermann] and you feel good and they’re great shows. If you want to see something different, be challenged, be pushed…

Decoder: Or be choked–like a call girl for instance.

Kathleen Parker: [We’ll book people] that we’ve interacted with in our personal lives and our work.

Decoder: Spitzer has already booked Ashley, Summer, Montana, Destiny, Jade, Angel and Candy. Oh, and Kandy.

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President Obama: Just try to be a better dad than Michael Lohan.

President Obama: Our children don’t need us to be superheroes.

Decoder: But perhaps one of you dads is a superhero. For instance, maybe you’re Aquaman. If you are, could you do me a favor and swim to the Gulf of Mexico and stop that fucking oil spill? That would be cool. We’ll make sure your kids are fine until you return.

President Obama: But we also know what too many fathers being absent means.

Decoder: In my case, it meant that I would go to Harvard Law School, become a best-selling author, a Senator and the President of the most powerful country on the planet.

President Obama: [Children] don’t need us to be perfect. They do need us to be present.

Lindsay's doing great. (Image by Toglenn.)

Decoder: Just stand there like a block of wood. Seriously. No one will care. Remember: You’re not a mom, you’re a dad. The bar is set really low.

President Obama: They need us to show up and give it our best shot.

Decoder: I’m not kidding. They know you’re a screw-up. They’ve totally figured out your bullshit. Just go through the motions and that’s enough.

President Obama: We all have to remember being a father is not just an obligation and a responsibility.

Decoder: It’s also a great tax deduction. And it’s an opportunity to have small people bring you beers and help you pick lottery numbers.

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Tony Hayward: Colin Firth always wanted to play an evil corporate prick.

Tony Hayward: To be sure, neither I nor the company is perfect.

Decoder: BP is responsible for more than 97% of all flagrant violations committed in the refining industry during the past three years. That adds up to 760 serious violations.

Tony Hayward: The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.

Decoder: As of this moment, there is still more water than oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Please hold your applause.

Tony Hayward: I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.

Decoder: But don’t let your children eat seafood or they may turn green. I’m serious. Not even an anchovy.

Tony Hayward: Of course I can [sleep at night].

Decoder: I’m also really good at sleeping on the job.

Tony Hayward: We are unwavering in our commitment to fulfill all our responsibilities.

Decoder: Unless that commitment is going to cost more than we want it to. If that happens, we will be even more lawyered up than usual.

That tuna sandwich tasted sort of funny, Mom.

Tony Hayward: This was a complex accident, caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.

Decoder: I make several million dollars a year for being totally incompetent.

Tony Hayward: I’d like my life back.

Decoder: I am completely oblivious to anything beyond my own selfish existence the same way that I am oblivious that BP getting hundreds of serious violations during my tenure means that I suck at my job.

Tony Hayward: I’m so far unscathed.

Decoder: The last thing anyone cares about is my psyche. They care about the water and the marine life and the people who’ve lost their livelihoods. But I’m such a self-important dickwad that I think that my personal drama somehow ranks as important.

Tony Hayward: No one has actually physically harmed me. They’ve thrown some words at me. But I’m a Brit, so sticks and stones can hurt your bones but words never break them, or whatever the expression is.

Decoder: The expression is: My name is Tony and I’ve just murdered an ocean.

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Michele Bachmann: Won 46% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota in 2008.

Michele Bachmann: People can’t wait until November. They’re practically lining up for polls now. They can’t wait to go out and vote. The only thing is people wish Barack Obama was up for re-election right now, because they’d honestly love to have a chance to throw him out of office.  Everywhere I go, people ask me, “Michele, can we impeach the President?” They want a referendum on him.  I also had someone today say, “There’s no way he’ll run for a second term.  No way.  No one would vote for him.”  I don’t know if the White House understands how the floor has dropped out under support for this President.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings have been equal to or slightly better than Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in his first term.

Michele Bachmann: It’s Barack Obama’s agenda that lit the match on voter discontent today. People have never seen the government take over over 50% of the private economy.  But that’s what’s actually happened over the last 18 months either through direct ownership of private industry or though control of private industry.

Decoder: People aren’t content because there aren’t enough jobs. This line about the government taking over the private economy is never going to be a winner.

Michele Bachmann: The [American people] are really voting for the original foundation block of our Constitution that brought us prosperity.

Decoder: The original foundation of the Constitution allowed for slavery and didn’t permit women to vote. No one with half a brain would want to return to that.

Master says ancient art of karate not to be wasted on angry lady from Minnesota PTA.

Michele Bachmann: I took karate when I was 17 years old. I am dangerous.

Decoder: I am dangerous for many reasons, but none of them have to do with karate.

Michele Bachmann: It’s an infantile response for the President to point blame at BP when the President has given over full authority to BP to deal with and manage the cleanup. If the President wanted to, he could intervene and he clearly hasn’t.

Decoder: I probably should mention that it was infantile for Sarah Palin and the entire Republican National Convention to chant “Drill, Baby, Drill,” but I won’t. I also should note that it wasn’t befitting of adults to deregulate the oil industry the way the GOP has, but I won’t. You know why I won’t mention these things? Because I’m a petty, hypocritical sack of shit.

Michele Bachmann: That’s the elixir of the Tea Party movement. People are telling the truth.

Decoder: Like when we say that Obama wasn’t born in the United States or is a Muslim.

Michele Bachmann: So far, you’d have to say [Obama] is the worst President in United States history.

Decoder: I know nothing about United States history or Presidential history or history in general. I just throw a lot of shit against the wall and hope something sticks.

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Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim-Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: I feel the same about legalizing alcohol. The effect on society is so great that I’m just not a real proponent of legalizing any drug or encouraging any drug abuse.

Decoder: Yet the thought of me being Senator is enough to make anyone want to get wasted.

Sharron Angle: I’m elected by the people to protect, and I think that law should protect.

Decoder: Although I vilify Obama for universal healthcare, which is aimed at protecting people.

Sharron Angle: There are new people who got into politics after Obama won.

Decoder: Sure, I know, the timing seems funny. A black guy gets to be President and all of a sudden a lot of fringy white people get interested in politics. But it’s completely a coincidence.

Sharron Angle: Right now, we say in a traditional home one parent stays home with the children and the other provides the financial support for that family. That is the acceptable and right thing to do. If we begin to expand that, not only do we dilute the resources that are available, we begin to dilute things like health care, retirement, all the things offered to families that help them be a family.

Oh no, dude! Sharron Angle might get elected Senator! (Image by Dota.)

Decoder: In addition to being completely unrealistic, this statement is aimed at making sure that no families with two working parents will vote for Republicans. We’ve already alienated Latinos, African-Americans and many other groups, but there are still too many people who might vote for the Party. I want to be certain that the GOP has the narrowest base possible, so that we will never win any elections. In this way, we will take back the government.

Sharron Angle: I’ve never been a Sunday only kind of Christian.

Decoder: I’m preachy and annoying 24/7.

Sharron Angle: I’m tired of some people calling me wacky.

Decoder: I’m not tired of being wacky–just of people accurately calling me that.

Sharron Angle: Government is not the answer.

Decoder: And the question is: Where should I be working?

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Rand Paul: Receives radio transmissions via cavity fillings. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: In the end, all that remains of any of us is our reputation. Mine has been sullied over the past week by lies and innuendo.

Decoder: And by my very real belief that private business owners shouldn’t have to serve people of races or creeds they don’t like.

Rand Paul: Our body politic has enough pragmatists, we need a few idealists.

Decoder: It’s not that pragmatists don’t have ideals; they just consider whether the ideals they have in their heads will be good for people living in reality.

Rand Paul: Segregation ended only after a great and momentous uprising by idealists like Martin Luther King Jr., who provoked weak-kneed politicians to action.

Decoder: Like Martin Luther King, I too have a dream. But mine concerns a giant chicken throwing eggs at my head. I have to stop eating so close to bedtime.

Rand Paul: In 2010, there are battles that need to be fought, and they have nothing to do with race or discrimination, but rather the rights of people to be free from a nanny state.

Decoder: I stay up at night worrying about seat-belt laws like a crazy person.

I sacrifice my young to besmirch you, Rand Paul. (Image by Daniel Postellon.)

Rand Paul: Think about it–this overreach is now extending to mandates about fat and calorie counts in menus. Do we really need the government managing all of these decisions for us?

Decoder: Oh, yeah. We look like fucking pigs.

Rand Paul: Now the media is twisting my small government message, making me out to be a crusader for repeal of the Americans for Disabilities Act and The Fair Housing Act. Again, this is patently untrue. I have simply pointed out areas within these broad federal laws that have financially burdened many smaller businesses. Should a small business in a two-story building have to put in a costly elevator, even if it threatens their economic viability?

Decoder: I would be happy to name a single American small business in a two-story building that was forced to install an elevator and was driven to bankruptcy, but I’m too busy right now dodging eggs thrown by that giant chicken. You’d think he’d eventually run out of eggs, but there are always more eggs. That’s the strange part.

Rand Paul: When I read history I side with abolitionists such as William Lloyd Garrison and Frederick Douglas who fought for 30 years to end slavery and to integrate public transportation in the free North in the 1840s.

Decoder: Of course, if I had really spent time reading Frederick Douglass, I might have spelled his name correctly.

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You're not likely to get killed on the streets of El Paso. (Image by Frank Vincentz.)

The great Newmark’s Door pointed me in the direction of an intriguing 2009 article from Reason Magazine that runs contrary to the popular thought of the day regarding immigration. Illegal immigrants (and even legal ones) have been accused of bringing chaos, crime and disorder to the cities and towns where they settle. But what if they’re actually making us safer?

Radley Balko’s smart piece, “The El Paso Miracle,” uses the Texas border town, which has high immigration and poverty rates, to show how American cities with a large concentration of aliens tend to be some of the safest places in the country. This isn’t an argument for lax border security; it only takes a single terrorist traveling to Mexico and crossing into America to cause major destruction. But if the article’s results are accurate, it provides valuable context amidst all the anti-immigrant hyperbole and factually incorrect noise. An excerpt:

“El Paso is among the safest big cities in America. For the better part of the last decade, only Honolulu has had a lower violent crime rate (El Paso slipped to third last year, behind New York). Men’s Health magazine recently ranked El Paso the second ‘happiest’ city in America, right after Laredo, Texas—another border town, where the Hispanic population is approaching 95 percent.

So how has this city of poor immigrants become such an anomaly? Actually, it may not be an anomaly at all. Many criminologists say El Paso isn’t safe despite its high proportion of immigrants, it’s safe because of them.

‘If you want to find a safe city, first determine the size of the immigrant population,’ says Jack Levin, a criminologist at Northeastern University in Massachusetts. ‘If the immigrant community represents a large proportion of the population, you’re likely in one of the country’s safer cities. San Diego, Laredo, El Paso—these cities are teeming with immigrants, and they’re some of the safest places in the country.'”

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