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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Recent Comments About Arizona’s Immigration Law And The Gulf Oil Spill

June 1, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: Spill, baby, spill. (Image by David Shankbone.)

Sarah Palin: We’re all Arizonans now.

Decoder: No wonder why it’s so fucking hot outside today. I was just thinking that it was like an Arizona desert out there. I’m sweating my balls off. I’ve got the ceiling fan going, but I’m probably going to have to turn on the A.C.

Sarah Palin: There has been a great deal of misinformation out there about Arizona’s effort to address the consequences of illegal immigration.

Decoder: I should know since I’ve been spreading a lot of that misinformation. It’s similar to when I claimed that I was the one who put a stop to the “Bridge to Nowhere” when I was Alaska Governor. That was complete bullshit.

Sarah Palin: The rest of the world is watching what’s going on in Arizona.

We're all sweating like Arizonans now. (Image by Tallguy1982.)

Decoder: Malta is fascinated and Andorra is transfixed. Seriously, I will not stop until I have completely marginalized and ruined the Republican Party. And there is seemingly no one in the GOP with the gumption to stand up to blather from me and Glenn Beck the way Obama stood up against the the drumbeat of war prior to the invasion of Iraq. That’s the Republican who could be an architect for rebuilding the party.

Sarah Palin: Government can and must play an appropriate role [in the Gulf oil disaster]. If a company was lax in its prevention practices, it must be held accountable. It is inexcusable for any oil company to not invest in preventative measures. They must be held accountable or the public will forever distrust the industry.

Decoder: Wouldn’t it make more sense if the government regulated the industry beforehand so they we could avoid disasters rather than holding them accountable afterwards? Oh, that’s right. I’ve spent the last couple of years screaming that government must deregulate all industries and labeling anyone who disagrees as a socialist.

Sarah Palin: I repeat the slogan “drill here, drill now” not out of naivete or disregard for the tragic consequences of oil spills….I continue to believe in it because increased domestic oil production will make us a more secure, prosperous, and peaceful nation.

Decoder: Actually, the idiotic slogan I used during the election was “drill, baby, drill.” I am trying to distance myself from that phrase in wake of the Gulf disaster because it makes me sound more foolish than ever. But the word “baby” has never seemed more appropriate.

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Excerpted: John Dos Passos’ “The Happy Warrior” (1932)

May 31, 2010 in Excerpts, Politics | Permalink

President Roosevelt: Laughing at funny jokes is bully.

John  Dos Passos’ writing is so brisk it’s sometimes hard to catch up to it. A while back, I offered up his biographical sketch about Isadora Duncan. Now I present some of the author’s writing about President Theodore Roosevelt, one of the more interesting characters in American history. The passage comes from 1919, the second volume of the U.S.A. Trilogy. In under one page, Dos Passos describes Roosevelt’s entire Presidency. An excerpt:

     “T.R. drove like a fiend in a buckboard over the muddy roads through the driving rain from Mt. Mercy in the Adirondacks to catch the train to Buffalo where McKinley was dying,
     As President
     he moved Sagamore Hill, the healthy, happy normal American home, to the White House, took foreign diplomats and fat armyofficers out walking in Rock Creek Park where he led them a terrible dance through brambles, hopping across the creek on cobblestones, wading the fords, scrambling up the shady banks.,
     and shook the Big Stick at malefactors of great wealth.
     Things were bully.
     He engineered the Panama revolution under the shadow of which took place the famous hocuspocus of juggling the old and new canal companies by which forty million dollars vanished into the pockets of the international bankers,
     but Old Glory floated over the Canal Zone.
     and the canal was cut through.
     He busted a few trusts,
     had Booker Washington to lunch at the White House,
     and urged the conservation of wild life.
     He got the Nobel Peace Prize for patching up the Peace of Portsmouth that ended the Russo-Japanese War,
     and sent the Atlantic Fleet around the world for everybody to see that
America was a firstclass power. He left the presidency to Taft after his second term leaving to that elephantine lawyer the congenial task of pouring judicial oil on the hurt feeling of the moneymasters.
     and went to Africa to hunt big game.
     Big game hunting was bully.”

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle

May 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: A tsunami of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Decoder: Tsunamis are really destructive and kill people and destroy property. Why would anybody vote for conservatives if it would cause them to be dashed against rocks and have their garages knocked down? Next time I will compare conservatism to something pleasant, like Labradoodles or cupcakes.

Sharron Angle: The problems we’re seeing with our children and these shooting incidents–such as at Columbine–psychotropic drugs are linked to them.

Decoder: You know what else is linked to school shootings? Guns. But I can’t be honest about that fact since I’m in the Tea Party. Remember: Psychotropic drugs don’t kill people, people on psychotropic drugs with guns kill people.

Sharron Angle: [My father’s] small business was a motel. And so we did those things as a kid growing up that Americans don’t do. We cleaned bathrooms and made beds and swept floors, did laundry, those kinds of things.

Decoder: Americans are disgusting filthbags with dirty toilets. Hand them a mop and some Top Job.

A Labradoodle of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Sharron Angle: I am the Tea Party.

Decoder: Incoherent, judgemental, hypocritical, whiny and lacking in basic history and self-awareness.

Sharron Angle: My message is what the people want.

Decoder: Except maybe, for example, the part about abolishing Social Security. That might not be so popular with the people, especially in a state like Nevada with such a high percentage of senior citizens. And if any of these seniors have filthy toilets, I may have doubly offended them.

Sharron Angle: I really don’t trust big government. When big government gets in control, we know those great ideas turn out to be something that hits us right in the pocketbook.

Decoder: Like the lower taxes that working-class people have paid under President Obama.

Sharron Angle: These people in the government, at the United States level…should be the least powerful in the nation rather than the most powerful because of the way our founders set up our government.

Decoder: People have much more power with regard to voting rights and representation right now than they did at our nation’s birth. And what the fuck did I mean by “at the United States level” anyhow? Did somebody think I was discussing Iceland?

Sharron Angle: I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong. I don’t think you can get away from that: People make value judgments.

Decoder: Which is unfortunate because the people voting in Nevada might make a value judgement about me, and my values are complete bullshit.

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Miscellaneous Media: Ugandan Currency With Idi Amin’s Image

May 26, 2010 in Misc., Politics | Permalink

The bill's designer wisely made Amin appear slimmer than he really was.

I got my hands on a Ugandan ten-shilling note that bears a portrait of Idi Amin. There’s no date marking, but I think it’s from 1973. That was two years after the erstwhile boxer and soldier had seized power of the country while President Obote was abroad. Soon, Amin had declared himself ruler for life.

For a long time, the world either didn’t know or didn’t care to know of the atrocities that Amin was committing inside the African nation. He was considered a clown, a buffoon, but manageable. But before his reign of terror ended, as many as 500,000 Ugandans had been brutally and senselessly murdered for imagined slights.  

Beneath his remarkable hubris and deep-seated paranoia, Amin was also an undiluted sociopath. He reputedly cannibalized his enemies and shared their flesh with crocodiles. Who knows if that’s true, but the body count was very real. There are quite a number of books and films about the dictator who died in 2003 while in exile in Saudi Arabia, but this brief series of clips of Amin bragging, grinning, laughing and lecturing is chilling enough. 


  

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Featured Video: “Henry Ford’s Mirror of America” (1962)

May 25, 2010 in Politics, Science/Tech, Urban Studies, Videos | Permalink

Henry Ford: This movie is an utter blowjob to my legacy, but it contains some fantastic footage of America from 1915-1930.

It was probably because he was close friends with Thomas Edison that Henry Ford became so interested in film. In his lifetime, the automotive magnate collected miles and miles of film footage that captured America in the early 20th century. The Ford Historical Film Collection (now housed at the National Archives) were used to create “Henry Ford’s Mirror of America,” an unobjective 35-minute piece of embarrassing pro-Ford propaganda that also happens to contain some amazing footage of the U.S. during the birth of the Industrial Revolution. Some highlights: a reunion of Civil War veterans (Blue and Gray) in Vicksburg in 1917, an Atlantic City hotel shaped like an elephant, the naturalist John Burroughs meeting his adoring public, Buffalo Bill Cody and his circus in action in 1916, women riveting in factories during WWI and the burial of the Unknown Soldier. Enjoy Part 1 and Part 2.

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Decoder: Rand Paul’s Recent Comments On “Rachel Maddow” And Other Venues

May 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rand Paul: Keeps a ham radio in the basement. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: I don’t want to live in a nanny state where people are telling me where I can go. 

Decoder: Especially that British lady on the GPS thing. She pisses me off.

Rand Paul: I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners–I abhor racism, I think it’s a bad business decision to ever exclude anyone from your establishment–but I do believe in private ownership.

Decoder: Seriously, only the douchebag son of Ron Paul, who may be a poltergeist, could revive a 45-year-old debate about racial discrimination at lunch counters. That issue was sort of already decided, and it made the country stronger in every way.

Rand Paul: Even though I was a year old at the time, I like to believe I would have marched with Martin Luther King. 

Decoder: That would have been the slowest fucking march ever. Fucking baby steps all over Selma. 

Rand Paul: These attacks prove one thing for certain: The liberal establishment is desperate to keep leaders like me out of office, and we are sure to hear more wild, dishonest smears during this campaign. 

Decoder: Although everything they’re saying about me is accurate, taken directly from quotes I made about the Civil Rights Act. 

Martin Luther King Jr: Who was that crazy-looking white baby marching with us? (Image by Dick DeMarsico.)

Rand Paul: I think that we should try to do everything we can to allow for people with disabilities and handicaps. And I think when you get to solutions like that, the more local the better, and the more common sense the decisions are, rather than having a federal government make those decisions.

Decoder: The federal government had to make those decisions since local decision makers were often guided by prejudice instead of common sense. 

Rand Paul: What I don’t like from the President’s administration is this sort of, I’ll put my boot heel on the throat of British Petroleum. I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business. 

Decoder: Nothing could be more American than a President standing up to the abuse of people and resources by big business. Just ask Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower. And why exactly am I more worried about BP’s hurt feelings than the disgraceful pollution of the ocean? We can live without an irresponsible oil company, but we can’t live without the ocean.

Rand Paul: It’s difficult to have an intellectual debate in a political sense because what happens is it gets dumbed down to three words.
 
Decoder: The three words: Tea Party jackass.
 
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Decoder: Rep. Mark Souder’s Resignation Speech

May 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rep. Mark Souder: Tiger Woods' new swing coach.

Rep. Mark Souder: I can never thank enough the people who worked so hard and have given me so much.

Decoder: Especially the lady in the abstinence video. She gave me so much.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been an honor to be a part of the battle for the freedom and values we share.

Decoder: Well, the values you share. My penis goes rogue.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been all-consuming for me to do this job well…

Decoder: And even then I wasn’t really very good at it.

Rep. Mark Souder: …especially in a district with costly, competitive elections every two years…

Decoder: Wait a minute. I’m not going to blame my affair on having a busy schedule, am I?

Rep. Mark Souder: …I do not have any sort of normal life…

Decoder: Yeah, I’m going to blame it on the job. Here comes the money shot, so to speak.

Rep. Mark Souder: …for family, for friends, for church, for community.

Decoder: But I sure made time for that mistress.

Rep. Mark Souder: I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff.

Decoder: Why did I mention that she was a part-time member of my staff? That makes it not as bad, somehow?

Rep. Mark Souder: In the poisonous world of Washington D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, twisted for political gain.

Decoder: Well, when a guy who does abstinence videos gets caught having an affair, it does make for good copy. And remember when I called on Sen. Larry Craig to resign for hitting on men in an airport bathroom?

Rep. Mark Souder: I’m sick of politicians who drag their spouses up in front of the camera rather than confronting the problem they caused.

Decoder: Wow, this is a bad time for me to play the self-righteous scold, but I’ve been doing it for so long that I can’t help myself. I have a deep need to feel like some sort of hero, and it will always get me into trouble. 

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The Political Arena: Is All The World A Tea Party?

May 18, 2010 in Politics | Permalink

A Tea Party protest in Hartford, Connecticut, in April 2009. (Image by Sage Ross.)

Who’s scarier these days, the government or the people?

Mark Lilla looks at the disconnect between public and private realms in his excellent essay in the New York Review of Books, “The Tea Party Jacobins,” which examines the anti-government, anti-intellectual forces currently enjoying prominence in the U.S. The most tangible manifestation is, of course, the screaming mob known as the Tea Party, which seems driven by racism, paranoia and a lack of introspection. But what about reasonable people who have grown to distrust their government, even before the economic meltdown?

My only critique is that I think Lilla gives short shrift in his argument to the rise of new media, in which interconnectivity is key but primacy of the individual seems to be the main psychological draw. An excerpt:

“Ever since the Seventies, social scientists have puzzled over the fact that, despite greater affluence and relative peace, Americans have far less trust in their government than they had up until the mid-Sixties. Just before the last election, only a tenth of Americans said that they were ‘satisfied with the way things are going in the United States,’ a record low. They express some confidence in the presidency and the courts, but when asked in the abstract about ‘the government’ and whether they expect it to do the right thing or whether it is run for our benefit, a relatively consistent majority says ‘no.’ It’s important to remember that the confidence they express in free markets and deregulation is only relative to their sense that government no longer functions as it should.

And they are not alone. Survey after survey confirms that trust in government is dissolving in all advanced democratic societies, and for the same reason: as voters have become more autonomous, less attracted to parties and familiar ideologies, it has become harder for political institutions to represent them collectively. This is not a peculiarity of the United States and no one party or scandal is to blame. Representative democracy is a tricky system; it must first give citizens voice as individuals, and then echo their collective voice back to them in policies they approve of. That is getting harder today because the mediating ideas and institutions we have traditionally relied on to make this work are collapsing.”

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Decoder: Sarah Palin And Bill O’Reilly Discuss The National Day Of Prayer Controversy

May 11, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: "Unalienable" right to be loud and stupid. (Image by Tricia Ward.)

Sarah Palin: You can just go to the early documents of our Founding Fathers and see how they crafted a Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. They knew our unalienable rights don’t come from man, they come from God.

Decoder: Perhaps if I had actually read these documents, I would know that it’s “inalienable” rights.

Sarah Palin: I think we should just kind of keep this clean, keep it simple. It’s pretty simple.

Decoder: I’m pretty simple.

Sarah Palin: Go back to what our Founders and founding documents meant–they’re quite clear we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.

Decoder: God must have thought that slavery should be legal and women shouldn’t have the vote. Or maybe those documents were drawn up not by God but by really smart but really fallible men.

Sarah Palin: I have said all along that America is based on Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Decoder: Certainly the Founding Fathers who had Judeo-Christian beliefs were informed by them, but they didn’t think this was a country specifically designed for people with any particular religious beliefs. And the Founders were pretty aware of the dangers of blurring the lines between church and state.

Sarah Palin: It’s ironic that here on National Day of Prayer, there is so much controversy about whether or not we’re a nation built on Judeo-Christian beliefs and whether or not we can even talk about God in the public square.

Deocder: I mostly use the public square to mock community organizers who try to help the poorest people and give them hope. Jesus would have crotch-punched these losers.

Bill O'Reilly: Screamed God's name a lot during phone sex.

Bill O’Reilly: On the National Day of Prayer, you can pray to a tree.

Decoder: God is completely okay with my phone sex habit.

Sarah Palin: Well that new kind of world view that I think is a kind of step toward the fundamental transformation in America that some want to see today it is an attempt to rewrite and revisit history.

Decoder: Like when I tried to rewrite history and claim that I opposed the Bridge to Nowhere project in Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: America has transformed a great deal since 1776 and it’s a much more secular society.

Decoder: That woman who sued me for sexual harrassment said that I bragged about owning a vibrator shaped like a cock.

Sarah Palin: Margaret Thatcher and other foreign leaders think that America is so great and exceptional because we base our laws on God of the Bible, the Old and the New Testament.

Decoder: If I had read the Declaration of Independence, I would know that America doesn’t have to try to impress the British. Also: Making laws based on the Bible would lead to huge amounts of bloodshed and suffering.

Bill O’Reilly: We can only trust in God in our own homes, but we once we got outside, we can’t.

Decoder:  I have a hands-free device so I can talk and masturbate at the same time.

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“This Is A Gang That Doesn’t Care About Law And Order”

May 3, 2010 in Excerpts, Politics | Permalink

Just because he’s stopped trying to incite war with the United States, it doesn’t mean Libyan overlord Muammar el-Qaddafi is any less crazy and hellbent on destruction. These days, as he tells the German magazine Spiegel in a new interview, he believes Switzerland is the evil empire. Yes, Switzerland! But the animus seems to stem from Qaddafi’s thuggish son Hannibal being arrested in that country for the savage beating of two people.

A few excerpts from the Spiegel piece.

____________________________

Spiegel: Mr. Gadhafi, for years you repeatedly got into shouting matches with the Western world before making your peace with arch-enemy America four years ago. Now you have declared a holy war on tiny Switzerland, of all countries. Why?

Qaddafi: Switzerland is one country among many; sometimes you have trouble with one country, sometimes with another. We never had difficulties with Switzerland before. We used to appreciate it as a holiday destination. We used to appreciate its companies and its watches. But then Switzerland began to treat us badly. For example, the minaret issue and the publishing of nasty portrayals of the Prophet. It was necessary to draw a line with the Swiss. That is what I did in my speech in Benghazi to mark the Prophet’s birthday.

____________________________

Spiegel: Doesn’t your anger with Switzerland in reality stem from the fact that your son Hannibal was arrested by police in Geneva in July 2008 and accused of beating up two people in his employment?

Qaddafi: The thing with Hannibal has been nothing but a source of enjoyment for Switzerland. This is a gang that doesn’t care about law and order. The way they treated Hannibal proves that Switzerland respects no laws. A man employed by my son brought accusations against him so that he could remain in Switzerland. They can lock him up — but please do so within the law. The police acted like a gang. They were dressed in plain clothes and they broke down the door, put my son in chains and brought his wife to a hospital. They left his daughter, who is one or two years old, alone back at the hotel. Then they put him handcuffed in a cold storage room, and at times in a bathroom — exactly the way al-Qaida treats its victims. An act of terrorism.

Spiegel: According to the Swiss authorities, something entirely different happened in Geneva. They say that your son beat up two people there.

Qaddafi: No, no. Nothing like that happened. Switzerland has not said that to me nor to anyone else. I’m hearing this now for the first time.

Spiegel: But similar things have also happened elsewhere. Your sons have also run into trouble with the police in London, Paris and Germany. What do you say to them when something like this happens?

Qaddafi: These are cases of youthful exuberance.

____________________________

Spiegel: What do you think of German Chancellor Angela Merkel?

Qaddafi: She is a strong personality. More like a man than a woman. But I have never had a conversation with her.

____________________________

Spiegel: Where do you get your facts? Do you watch television? Do you read books?

Qaddafi: I get most of them from the Internet. I constantly sit at my computer. I read in Arabic, but now it is of course also possible to immediately get translations from English.•

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Decoder: Sean Hannity And Sarah Palin Discuss Arizona’s Immigration Law And Other Matters

April 29, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: Hunted for that fur at Neiman Marcus.

Sean Hannity: Now if protesters actually sat down to read the [Arizona immigration] law they would find that racial profiling is explicitly prohibited.

Decoder: Seems odd then that so many ultraconservatives–Karl Rove among them–think the law is unconstitutional.

Sarah Palin: And shame on the lamestream media again for turning this (Arizona immigration law) into something that it is not.

Decoder: Like when I tried to turn health-care reform into an argument about “death panels.”

Sarah Palin: I wish that our President would stand so strong and proud under one Constitution reminding America that we are all one America. We are all in this together. And instead of dividing, according to demographic or race or gender.

Decoder: I spent most of the Presidential campaign trying to appeal to what I called “the real America,” which was incredibly divisive.

Sarah Palin: We rattle them when we talk to these liberal elites about what it is that most Americans believe in.

Decoder: Oh, and that sounds pretty divisive, too.

Sean Hannity: Equipment manager for the lacrosse team.

Sean Hannity: You know, look, I watched with fascination and almost bewilderment, the attacks on the Tea Party Movement. Look, I’ve experienced a lot of this throughout my career. I — look, I’m on the air four hours a day, I can take it but to attack citizens that are just expressing that they think government is too big, our debt is out of control, and we’re on the wrong path on national security, seems bewildering to me.

Decoder: I am bewildered because I’m ignoring the racist overtones, the violence-laced language and the people comparing Obama to Hitler.

Sarah Palin: Yes, the President is looking for cover to allow him to break yet another campaign promise that he would not increase taxes.

Decoder: Although he actually seems to have stuck to all of his campaign promises so far. And my hero, Ronald Reagan, who explicitly promised “no new taxes,” raised them six times.

Sarah Palin: I’m sick and tired of hearing about Obama and the White House coming out with yet another crisis that has to be fixed by government, sticking it to the people and taking more of what we earn and produce.

Decoder: Middle-class taxes are at near-historic lows.

Sarah Palin: They’re, you know, community organizers. They’ve been spending other people’s money for so long that I think a lot of the free-enterprise principles that so many of us believe in, it’s all foreign to them.

Decoder: I will continue to mock people who help poor communities. I want them to feel a great sense of shame for trying to bring some hope to downtrodden neighborhoods. They deserve abuse from a highly paid celebrity loudmouth like me.

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Excerpted: “Wayne Wheeler–The Man Who Turned Off The Taps,” Smithsonian (2010)

April 28, 2010 in Excerpts, Politics, Urban Studies | Permalink

"It was, in fact, Wheeler who coined the term 'pressure group.'"

I interviewed Dan Okrent some years ago when he was the embattled Public Editor at the New York Times and found him to be intelligent, keenly self-aware and a mordant wit. Okrent has just published a new book, Last Call: The Rise and Fall of Prohibition. I haven’t gotten my bony hands on a copy yet, but I just read an excellent excerpt in Smithsonian. Here’s a passage from Okrent about that insane and fascinating period and a forgotten historical figure who had great influence upon it:

“Wayne Wheeler was a small man, 5-foot-6 or 7. Wire-rimmed glasses, a tidy mustache, eyes that crinkled at the corners when he ventured one of the tight little smiles that were his usual reaction to the obloquy of his opponents—even at the peak of his power in the 1920s, he looked more like a clerk in an insurance office than a man who, in the description of the militantly wet Cincinnati Enquirer, ‘made great men his puppets.’ On his slight frame he wore a suit, a waistcoat and, his followers believed, the fate of the Republic.

Born on a farm near Youngstown, Ohio, in 1869, he was effectively born anew in 1893, when he found himself in a Congregational church in Oberlin, Ohio, listening to a temperance lecture delivered by the Rev. Howard Hyde Russell, a former lawyer who had recently founded an organization called the Anti-Saloon League (ASL). Wheeler had put himself through Oberlin College by working as a waiter, janitor, teacher and salesman. Now, after joining Russell in prayer, he signed on as one of the first full-time employees of the ASL, which he would turn into the most effective political pressure group the country had yet known.

It was, in fact, Wheeler who coined the term ‘pressure group.’ When he teamed up with Russell in 1893, the temperance movement that had begun to manifest itself in the 1820s had hundreds of thousands of adherents but diffuse and ineffectual leadership. The most visible anti-alcohol leader, Frances Willard of the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union (WCTU), had diluted her organization’s message by embracing a score of other issues, ranging from government ownership of utilities to vegetarianism. The nascent Prohibition Party had added forest conservation and post office policy to its anti-liquor platform. But Russell, with Wheeler by his side, declared the ASL interested in one thing only: the abolition of alcohol from American life.”

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Decoder: Glenn Beck And Other Speakers At The “Take Back America” Rally In Tyler, Texas

April 26, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Mayor of all the assclowns. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: Do you believe our Constitution was divinely inspired?

Decoder: Oh, you don’t believe that? You think it was written by brilliant but flawed men? That if it was divinely inspired it wouldn’t have allowed for slavery and it wouldn’t have reduced women to second-class citizens?

Glenn Beck: If God is with us, who can possibly stand against us? The answer is no one.

Decoder: But maybe God isn’t with me, in particular. Maybe God has reason to be mad at me. According to Salon, I’m the jackass who mocked a woman’s miscarriage on live radio. I like to blame my poor behavior on my former coke addiction, but maybe I’m just a cruel, cynical prick who wants to collect money and satisfy my massive ego.

Glenn Beck: We must remember who we are. We must remember what brought us here. We must remember what protected us. We must remember these rights do not belong to us–they come from God.

Decoder: I have trouble remembering things because I was a cokehead for many years and my brain is fried.

Glenn Beck: I have no thought of what God has in store for these people, our children, our grandchildren. He just questions you to stand in place and that is our job–to stand where he wants us to stand.

Decoder: But what if he wants us to stand in the river? You know, the one by the sewage plant. That would suck.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: Secessionist jackhole with excellent hair.

Texas Governor Rick Perry: If you care about America, if you care about taking this country back, you find you a Tea Party. Get involved. The Tea Party is an army I’m proud to be in.

Decoder: I really, really want to be President and I think that somehow pandering to the Tea Party will help. It’s another wrong bet in a long career of wrong bets.

Texas State Representative Leo Berman: I believe that Barack Obama is God’s punishment on us today.

Decoder: There is no bigger punishment from God for a racist like me than our country having a brilliant African-American guy as President. I liked the country a lot better before it was a meritocracy.

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Response To Bill Clinton’s Criticism

April 21, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rep. Michele Bachmann: Her head is one of two pointy things in this photo.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton gave a speech and he was talking about the anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing by Tim McVeigh–only Democrats would do this, we don’t celebrate these kinds of things.

Decoder: I’m either suggesting that Bill Clinton was celebrating innocent people being murdered by a domestic terrorist–which would be utter slander–or I’m stating that Republicans don’t care about the survivors of the people who were murdered, which is incredibly stupid. Also: I should probably stop referring to Timothy McVeigh as “Tim.” It makes him sound like a harmlessly mischievous nephew.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton [said] that Michele Bachmann made a statement during the Tea Party rallies that what Barack Obama is doing is “gangster government” and because I’m using a phrase like gangster government, I’m responsible for creating the kind of climate of hate that could lead to another Tim McVeigh and another Oklahoma City Bombing. I’m in my second term as a congresswoman and the former President of the United States decides that I’m important enough to take out.

Decoder: Even when attempting to convince people that I don’t try incite violence, I have to use a phrase like “take out,” which is often synonymous with murder. And Bill Clinton was just suggesting that I tone down my rhetoric, not that he was on a crusade to eliminate me. As usual, I see everything only in extremes.

Michele Bachmann: To the Democrats, violence is when American people want to topple them from positions of political power.

Decoder: Also when “Tim” McVeigh blows up people and buildings.

Michele Bachmann: If only we could hold the election right now this afternoon, President Obama would be out the door so fast.

Decoder: Because he’d be running to the polls to vote. And if I know him at all, he’d probably be voting for himself.

Michele Bachmann: [Obama] wouldn’t make it over the border. There would be border police.

Decoder: Why did I just suggest that Obama would be stopped by border police? Am I insinuating he’s foreign and not a citizen of America? What else could I be saying?

Michele Bachmann: The [Obama Administration] is a gangster government. There are no two ways about it.

Decoder: Well, there are two ways about it, but I’m sticking to the bullshit way.

Michele Bachmann: I’ve decided I’m gonna win [reelection] just to spite [the Democrats].

Decoder: Let others run on the issues. I’m the spite-based candidate.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Comments During April

April 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Intelligence at historically low levels. (Photo by Tricia Ward.)

Sarah Palin: Is this what their “change” is all about? I want to tell ’em, nah, we’ll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion.

Decoder: Because Jesus loved guns, especially assault rifles. He would shoot you in the head and use your skin to fashion a rucksack.

Sarah Palin: How’s that hopey, changey stuff working out?

Decoder: Oh, pretty good? You mean you like middle-class tax cuts, health-care reform, stem-cell research, the Lilly Ledbetter Act and a President who can pronounce the word “nuclear”? I didn’t realize those things would be popular.

Sarah Palin: We need to cut taxes so that our families can keep more of what they earn and produce, and our mom-and-pops, then, our small businesses, can reinvest according to our own priorities, and hire more people and let the private sector grow and thrive and prosper.

Decoder: Middle-class tax rates are near historically low levels.

Sarah Palin: Do you love your freedom?

Decoder: The freedom to ignore me. The freedom to realize that incoherent resentment has no purchase on leadership. The freedom to know that I will never, ever be President because I’m wholly unqualified.

Sarah Palin: Now, the President, with all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer, as a part-time senator, and as a full-time candidate, all that experience, still no accomplishment to date with North Korea and Iran.

Decoder: I love making fun of community organizers. Remember when I stood up at the Republican National Convention and ridiculed Obama for being a 22-year-old who dedicated three years of his life to working for Catholic charities? I want to make sure that young people who want to help others will be ashamed of themselves.

Sarah Palin: Don’t retreat, reload!

Decoder: Freud was really wrong about women having penis envy, except when it comes to me.

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Decoder: Jon Voight’s Letter To President Obama

April 14, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Angelina is starting to seem relatively well-adjusted. (Photo by Kristin Dos Santos.)

Jon Voight: Every loving American for peace and truth and the security of our nation must come out and join the Tea Parties in their states.

Decoder: Or they could stay home and watch the 2004 family comedy Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 on DVD. I play “Kane” and Scott Baio does some of his finest work yet.

Jon Voight: President Obama uses his aggression and arrogance for his own agenda, against the will of the American people when he should be using his will and aggression against our enemies.

Decoder: Al Qaeda and the Taliban might disagree.

Jon Voight: To think that this once great nation will be a third world country.

Decoder: A third-world country with iPads, frappacinos and high-speed internet access.

Jon Voight: Now the lie goes very deep and President Obama has been cleverly trained in the Alinsky method and it would be very important that every American knows what that method is. It is a socialistic, Marxist teaching and with it, little by little, he rapes this nation.

Decoder: Though I might be confusing him with Ben Roethlisberger. I know the charges were dropped, but when two different women have accused you of rape, wow, what’s going on there, Ben?

Jon Voight: The world looked up to us as a symbol of hope and prosperity now wonders what will become of the entire world if America is losing its power.

Decoder: Actually, people around the world have a much higher opinion of America since Obama became President. And applications for citizenship don’t seem to be down.

Jon Voight: The American people who understand exactly what is taking place have come together in the thousands, vowing to try to stay together as a unit of love and freedom for all men and women, from all walks of life.

Decoder: But really only some white people with a shaky grasp of history and the innate ability to blame their problems and insecurities on others.

Jon Voight: The opposition will continue their tactics.

Decoder: Running for office in free elections, thinking they should be able to govern if they get the most votes.

Jon Voight: They will lie and plant their own bullies amongst us.

Decoder: Strangely, those bullies will fit in seamlessly with many actual Tea Party members.

Jon Voight: Let us all stay in God’s light.

Decoder: Though you should remember to wear sunblock and a hat if you’re going to stay in God’s light for longer than 20 minutes. Sure, your body needs to produce Vitamin D, but you don’t want skin cancer, either.

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Comments On Fox News Sunday

April 13, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Michele Bachmann: The second professional wrestler to be elected in Minnesota.

Michele Bachmann: This is the most radical President, and the most radical Speaker, and the most radical Senate leader we have ever seen in the history of the country.

Decoder: I know nothing about the history of the country.

Michele Bachmann: I mean, clearly, the country has never gone this far in taking over this much of the private economy. And it is changing the way that we’re doing business in the United States forever.

Decoder: I like to speak in paranoid extremes. It distracts from my inarticulateness and incoherence.

Michele Bachmann: If you look at the approval numbers for President Obama, he’s fallen faster and farther than any previous President in the polling.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings are pretty much even with Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in their first term.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think [the Republicans] are going to have a full bench of great candidates coming into 2012.

Decoder: There’s the resentful lady who can’t pronounce “nuclear,” the human woodblock Bobby Jindal, serial groom Newt Gingrich and bat-shit crazy Ron Paul.

Away from me, you vampiress!

Michele Bachmann: And I don’t know that we fully yet know who our frontrunner will be, although the results that came out yesterday point to Mitt Romney.

Decoder: He’s the one who spearheaded socialized health care in Massachusetts and was pro-choice until it wasn’t politically expedient anymore. But his hair is very Reaganesque.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think part of [the reason I’m a lightning rod] may be because when I talk about what is happening in Washington, D.C., I use the actual statements or comments or the data that Nancy Pelosi or President Obama or Harry Reid refer to.

Decoder: Or it could be because in 2008 I suggested that members of Congress should be investigated to determine if they’re “anti-American.”

Michele Bachmann: I’m really more about making sure that our nation follows our Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence.

Decoder: Unlike my political opponents, who want to tear up the Declaration of Independence and have the British rule America again. Wow, even by my low standards that statement was incredibly stupid.

Michele Bachmann: I see that our nation has strayed.

Decoder: Although I might be confusing our nation with Tiger Woods.

Michele Bachmann: I want to make sure that going forward we get back to our constitutional roots.

Decoder: Which allowed slavery and excluded women from having the vote. Those damned Amendments ruined everything!

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Decoder: Newt Gingrich’s Comments At The Southern Republican Leadership Conference

April 10, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Like a human duffel bag. (Photo by Pete Souza.)

Newt Gingrich: Obama is the most radical President in American history.

Decoder: Obama is actually a lot less radical than Ronald Reagan, but I’m not of the same political persuasion as Obama, so I will label him an extremist, whereas Reagan’s radicalism made him a “great leader.”

Newt Gingrich: Elections have consequences.

Decoder: It turns out that the person who garners the majority of the votes has the ability to govern in a way that is not afforded to the losing candidate. I must make a note of this fact on parchment with my quill pen and the blood of a small child.

Newt Gingrich: What we need is a President, not an athlete. Shooting three-point shots may be clever, but it doesn’t put anybody to work.

Decoder: Except for that guy Wayne who polishes the court. He’s the one with the small scar on his right cheek. You’ve probably seen him. He’s always around the Rec. Center somewhere. You go, Wayne!

Newt Gingrich: The longer Obama talks, the less the American people believe him.

Decoder: I speak from experience. America’s been tuning out my bullshit since 1996.

Newt Gingrich: Quite frankly, I’m tired of finding new ways to help [Americans] who aren’t working,

Decoder: These unemployed pigs should die in the streets. We can use their entrails as jump ropes. Maybe Wayne can paint the Rec. Center with their blood. Just thinking out loud, people.

Newt Gingrich: We will have a Republican Congress in January which will refuse to fund any of the radical efforts.

Decoder: Except that a large number of Americans don’t think Obama’s efforts are so radical. And if we stall funding based on partisanship, it will make us even less popular than we already are. If you recall, that time I shut down the government in 1995 didn’t turn out so well for us.

Newt Gingrich: Stage two of the end of Obamaism is that we must be prepared to offer in a positive way positive solutions that fit the values of the American people.

Decoder: Hypocritically judging the morality of others during my three marriages and numerous extramarital affairs has taught me a great deal about values.

Newt Gingrich: A Republican President and a Republican Congress in 2012 and 2013 will repeal every radical bill passed by this machine.

Decoder: Except for the ones that turn out to be popular. We’ll leave those alone to ensure our own careers. Just like we did with Medicare.

Newt Gingrich: Obama has now thrown down the gauntlet to the American people. He has said, “I run a machine, I own Washington and there’s nothing that you can do about it.”

Decoder: Though he might have just been talking to me. People talk to me that way sometimes because I am such a lying, hypocritical sack of shit.

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Decoder: Rudy Giuliani’s Recent Comments About President Obama In National Review

April 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Tough on crime and on the eyes.

Rudy Giuliani: President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs and have a peace symbol.

Decoder: I know Obama has been forceful militarily in the Middle East, but this tired old argument is the best I can do. Anyone who followed my jackass Presidential campaign knows how out of touch I am.

Rudy Giuliani: North Korea and Iran are not singing along with the President. Knowing that, it just doesn’t make sense why we would reduce our nuclear arms when we face these threats.

Decoder: Our nuclear and non-nuclear arsenal could destroy these countries many times over. And Obama has made those outlier nations exceptions to his nuclear rules.

Rudy Giuliani: The President doesn’t understand the concept of leverage.

Decoder: Like how I leveraged the horrible tragedy of 9/11 into great personal wealth for myself and my friends.

Rudy Giuliani: Leverage means the other guy has to be afraid of you.

Decoder: I manage through fear and intimidation because I know what an unlikable prick I am. Even my prostate despises me.

Rudy Giuliani: This President has taken so many steps backward in dealing with national security.

Decoder: For instance, he hasn’t accepted my recommendation that Bernie Kerik be Director of Homeland Security.

Rudy Giuliani: Beyond this nuclear policy, this is still an administration in a state of confusion about how to deal with terrorism.

Decoder: I know how to deal with terrorists. Business deals, I mean.

Rudy Giuliani: The [Obama administration has] shown an inability to make tough decisions. It’s not inconsequential how the President dithers over so many issues.

Decoder: I don’t dither. I make poor decisions quickly and I stick to them, no matter how stupid they are. That’s how I got to be President of parts of Broward County.

Rudy Giuliani: With Israel, [Obama] has been extremely hostile. His treatment of the Israeli Prime Minister [during his recent Washington visit] was shocking.

Decoder: Unless you read the newspapers. Then it’s not so shocking. Netanyahu embarrassed America during Biden‘s visit there in March. The tall man will ice you if you do that to him.

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Decoder: GOP Chairman Michael Steele’s Comments On Good Morning America About The Bondage Club Controversy

April 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Michael Steele: Fit to be tied.

Michael Steele: We have begun to put controls in place on some of our spending.

Decoder: We’ve rounded up the Republicans who spent excessively on bondage clubs and placed them in handcuffs. They will duly be spanked.

Michael Steele: A lot of our major donors are used to a particular type of event; we’ve been scaling those back.

Decoder: No fur on the handcuffs anymore. That’ll save some change. And we’ve downsized to a cat o’ eight tails. It’s slightly cheaper that way.

Michael Steele: Those 71% of Republicans who don’t like me, well, I understand that.

Decoder: I told you I would unite the party.

Michael Steele: Barack Obama has a slimmer margin for error [because he’s black]. A lot of us do. That’s just the reality of it.

Decoder: You know all those times I accused Obama of playing the race card? I was playing the bullshit card.

Michael Steele: I’m a little bit more streetwise and I’ve rubbed some feathers the wrong way.

Decoder: And some of those feathers were supposed to be used to tickle the handcuffed people. I apologize for rubbing them.

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Decoder: Dan Quayle’s Op-Ed About The Tea Party In The Washington Post

April 3, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Dan Quayle: Dumb before being dumb was an asset.

Dan Quayle: Many remember the Reform Party of the 1990s, which formed around the candidacy of Ross Perot. I sure do, because it eliminated any chance that President George H.W. Bush and I would prevail over Bill Clinton and Al Gore in 1992.

Decoder: Of course, the reality that a genius like me would continue to be a heartbeat from the Presidency didn’t help the ticket, either. I was like Palin with a penis.

Dan Quayle: Democrats in the White House and in Congress recognize [the Tea Party] for what it is–a spontaneous and pointed response to the Obama agenda.

Decoder: Obama’s agenda, especially his fiscal policies, favor these largely low-to-moderate income people, so maybe they don’t like him for other reasons.

Dan Quayle: Republican leaders still aren’t sure what to make of it, as tea partiers have risen on their own and stirred up trouble in GOP primaries.

Decoders: Republican leaders are sure of what to make of it. They’d like to use the Tea Party in an opportunistic way, but it’s too combustible.

Dan Quayle: Sometimes in politics it’s easier to recognize foes than friends, and this may be why Democrats have been quicker to figure out the movement’s potential.

Decoder: Spitting, racial slurs, Hitler posters and death threats are potential for something alright.

Dan Quayle: Democrats assumed they had redrawn the political map forever, and they took this as a mandate to remake the federal government forever. To the surprise of millions of their supporters, they plowed ahead with federal control over health care.

Decoder: It really was pretty surprising that a Presidential candidate actually followed through on a campaign promise after taking office.

Dan Quayle: There’s a well-worn path of third-party movements in American history, and it leads straight to a dead end.

Decoder: Speaking of dead ends, that’s where your political career heads if you pick arguments with sitcom characters.

Dan Quayle: The tea partiers are concerned, above all, with fiscal matters and national security.

Decoders: But not so much with spelling.

Dan Quayle briefly mentions that he is opposed to lawlessness by Tea Party protestors, but he mostly sees a golden opportunity. (Image by Sage Ross.)

Dan Quayle: Republican leaders between now and 2012 should reach out, as Sarah Palin has done, to an independent grass-roots movement whose energy and conviction the party badly needs.

Decoder: It will require a great deal of energy to drive a major political party completely into the ground.

Dan Quayle: Potential presidential contenders such as Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, John Thune and Bobby Jindal have records of serious reform that square with the tea party agenda, and in a general election they could draw tea party votes as part of a broad and victorious coalition.

Decoder: None of these people will ever be President, especially if they align themselves with scary fringe groups.

Dan Quayle: The movement has enlisted Americans of every background in political activism.

Decoder: Well, not every background. Pretty much just middle-aged and older white people. It’s like the audience at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert.

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Listeria: Top 10 Disturbing Comments Tea Party Leader Pamela Stout Made On Letterman And Other Outlets

March 31, 2010 in Politics | Permalink

Why was I was tougher on vapid but harmless Paris Hilton than on a nutjob leader of the Tea Party? (Image by Rubenstein.)

  • “Glenn Beck has made me very introspective.”
  • “My hero is Jim DeMint.”
  • “What I’ve seen of Sarah Palin I’ve been impressed with.”
  • “Obama has spent a lot of money to cover up his documentation.”
  • “[America] demonizes business.”
  • “The [Iraqi] leader was a weapon of mass destruction.”
  • “Aren’t most of Obama’s actions unconstitutional?”
  • “I don’t see us being the ones to start [a Civil War], but I would give up my life for my country.”
  • “Peaceful means are the best way of going about it. But sometimes you are not given a choice.”
  • “I’m a pacifist.”

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann At The “Win Back Washington” Rally In Duluth, Minnesota

March 31, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

I won 47% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota, so I speak for all of America.

Michele Bachmann: On Sunday, on the Sabbath, that was when Speaker Pelosi decided we had to have the [health care] vote.

Decoder: Jesus is probably very pissed off that the day of the Sabbath was used to ensure health care for poor people. He would have stepped on their throats.

Michele Bachmann: Democrats said that they were called the N-word, which of course would be wrong and inappropriate, but no one has any record of it, no witness saw it and it’s not on camera. They said they were spat upon; I walked right through the gauntlet of where they were walking.

Decoder: People who support me didn’t spit at me or insult me, so they couldn’t have done those things to anyone else.

Michele Bachmann: Are you taxed enough already?

Decoder: I don’t mean by my shrill delivery and poor facility with the English language. I was talking about tariffs, silly.

Michele Bachmann: Obama is like a kid in a candy store.

Decoder: He’s like the tall kid in the candy store, trying to buy cigarettes with a fake ID.

Michele Bachmann: If we had a 9% corporate tax, a 0% death tax and a 0% capital gains tax, do you know what we would have?

Decoder: Remarkable inequity. A historical separation between haves and have-nots. No money for basic services.

Michele Bachmann: Federal employees make twice what those of you in the private sector are making.

Decoder: And that’s why I want to eliminate those jobs. They pay well.

Michele Bachmann: One out of five federal employees makes over $100,000 a year.

Decoder: I know because I’m one of them

Michele Bachmann: The Democrats made ridiculous promises about the health care bill.

Decoder: Of course, we made some whoppers, too. Remember death panels and how America would be destroyed if health care passed? That might have been hyperbole.

Michele Bachmann: We now own the entire student-loan industry. It used to be private. Today it’s been nationalized.

Decoder: Big banks will no longer be able take $68 billion of tax money for being middlemen who risk nothing.

Michele Bachmann: If you want a student loan, you now have to go crawling to the government.

Decoder: Or you could file a loan request online. That would eliminate the crawling part. Unless your netbook isn’t near your futon.

Michele Bachmann: When you feel your pulse racing and you’re thinking something’s not right in America, that’s because spending is out of control.

Decoder: Or it could be the meth. Meth is a really bad drug. Do not use it.

Michele Bachmann: America has always been a country of renewal, of innovation, of finding the new mouse trap.

Decoder: Which, by the way, is in the foyer, behind the bookcase. It’s the kind with the glue. If people properly disposed of their food wrappers, we wouldn’t need one.

Michele Bachmann: Barack Obama’s promises aren’t working really well. I think he’s batting about zero.

Decoder: Except for that little promise he made about health-care reform. He kind of came through on that one.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Recent Comments At The John McCain Reelection Rally And Other Venues

March 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Gun violence is a subtle metaphor for encouraging voting.

Sarah Palin: Nobody gave us a Teleprompter this time around. I had to write my notes on my hand again.

Decoder: Every time I try to make an obviously intelligent person like Obama seem stupid, I end up revealing how dumb I am. Maybe I should realize that I’m in no position to question anyone else’s intelligence.

Sarah Palin: I couldn’t wait to get some of the McCain-Palin team back together again.

Decoder: Some of them but not most of them. Most of them thought I was unfit and unintelligent.

Sarah Palin: John McCain is leading the party of ideas.

Decoder: Like his idea that Republicans should no longer cooperate with Obama on any issue, even issues they actually agree on. That way the whole country can be spited.

Sarah Palin: We know violence isn’t the answer. When we talk about taking up our arms, we’re talking about our vote.

Decoder: I’ve purposely not made that clear in the past. I’ve said it in a way that sends a mixed message of gun violence to the crazier elements of the crowd.

Sarah Palin: When I talk about it’s not a time to retreat, it’s a time to reload, I was trying to inspire people to get involved in their local elections and these upcoming federal elections.

Decoder: I wasn’t actually encouraging gun violence; I just wanted it to sound that way.

Sarah Palin: [Don’t believe] this BS coming from the lamestream media.

Decoder: They accurately reported that I put rifle scope targets on a map of Democratic representatives on my Facebook page. They also dared to report facts about Tea Party members using racial and homophobic slurs and spitting on congresspersons they didn’t agree with.

Sarah Palin: This is just the beginning of our efforts to take back our country.

Decoder: We must take back our country from a non-white guy who’s worked really hard to educate himself and achieve. He dares to govern after being chosen by a majority of Americans in a free election.

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Decoder: Mitt Romney’s Recent Remarks On “Larry King Live”

March 25, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Larry King: I forgot my suspenders at Duke Zeibert's.

Mitt Romney:
Some elements in the bill are good and many are bad. And the Democrats want to talk about the couple of maraschino cherries that are on top of the pile of dirt. But let’s talk, also, about the pile of dirt.

Decoder: Every time I look at you, Larry, I think of a pile of dirt. Usually it is being shoveled on top of a coffin.

Mitt Romney: Health care is no longer going to be the purview of states and individuals and families.

Decoder: Or the blood-sucking, money-grubbing health-care industry.

Mitt Romney: What I am is a defender of the truth.

Decoder: Like a Mormon Superman.

Mitt Romney: [Sarah Palin] is an energetic, positive force in the Republican party, a leader in our party, and having a positive impact on bringing out a lot of folks that were in the silent majority.

Decoder: They’re actually an annoyingly loud minority. But I like her because she isn’t actually going to run for President because then she’d be exposed as a fringe candidate, a Ron Paul in a dress.

Mitt Romney: I think [the Tea Party] is a good thing. I think it’s a good thing to see people becoming more involved in the political process.

Mitt Romney: Great hair and fungible politics.

Decoder: I used to be a basically decent guy if no rocket scientist. But I am now prepared to say anything and pander to anyone to become President. I’ve flipped my opinions on abortion and health-care reform with the casual ease of someone with no integrity.

Mitt Romney: But overall, the Tea Party movement is about reasonable men and women who are very concerned about the excessive growth of government.

Decoder: Yes, they’re the reasonable bigots.

Mitt Romney: I think my party’s basic core philosophy is much more attuned to [the Tea Party] than that of the Democratic party.

Decoder: We don’t have any non-white members, either.

Mitt Romney: [John McCain] is one of those guys that’s able to move things and make things happen.

Decoder: Except if you need someone to produce a steady stream of urine. He can’t make that happen.

Mitt Romney: I know some people say, gee, your Massachusetts health care plan isn’t conservative. I say oh, yes it is.

Decoder: Oh, no it isn’t.

Mitt Romney: [Running for President in 2012] is not a decision I have made yet.

Decoder: Of course I’m running. Do your think I’d be willing to stare at your reptilian face without a payoff?

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