Rand Paul: Keeps a ham radio in the basement. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: I don’t want to live in a nanny state where people are telling me where I can go. 

Decoder: Especially that British lady on the GPS thing. She pisses me off.

Rand Paul: I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners–I abhor racism, I think it’s a bad business decision to ever exclude anyone from your establishment–but I do believe in private ownership.

Decoder: Seriously, only the douchebag son of Ron Paul, who may be a poltergeist, could revive a 45-year-old debate about racial discrimination at lunch counters. That issue was sort of already decided, and it made the country stronger in every way.

Rand Paul: Even though I was a year old at the time, I like to believe I would have marched with Martin Luther King. 

Decoder: That would have been the slowest fucking march ever. Fucking baby steps all over Selma. 

Rand Paul: These attacks prove one thing for certain: The liberal establishment is desperate to keep leaders like me out of office, and we are sure to hear more wild, dishonest smears during this campaign. 

Decoder: Although everything they’re saying about me is accurate, taken directly from quotes I made about the Civil Rights Act. 

Martin Luther King Jr: Who was that crazy-looking white baby marching with us? (Image by Dick DeMarsico.)

Rand Paul: I think that we should try to do everything we can to allow for people with disabilities and handicaps. And I think when you get to solutions like that, the more local the better, and the more common sense the decisions are, rather than having a federal government make those decisions.

Decoder: The federal government had to make those decisions since local decision makers were often guided by prejudice instead of common sense.