President Obama: Our children don’t need us to be superheroes.

Decoder: But perhaps one of you dads is a superhero. For instance, maybe you’re Aquaman. If you are, could you do me a favor and swim to the Gulf of Mexico and stop that fucking oil spill? That would be cool. We’ll make sure your kids are fine until you return.

President Obama: But we also know what too many fathers being absent means.

Decoder: In my case, it meant that I would go to Harvard Law School, become a best-selling author, a Senator and the President of the most powerful country on the planet.

President Obama: [Children] don’t need us to be perfect. They do need us to be present.

Lindsay's doing great. (Image by Toglenn.)

Decoder: Just stand there like a block of wood. Seriously. No one will care. Remember: You’re not a mom, you’re a dad. The bar is set really low.

President Obama: They need us to show up and give it our best shot.

Decoder: I’m not kidding. They know you’re a screw-up. They’ve totally figured out your bullshit. Just go through the motions and that’s enough.

President Obama: We all have to remember being a father is not just an obligation and a responsibility.

Decoder: It’s also a great tax deduction. And it’s an opportunity to have small people bring you beers and help you pick lottery numbers.

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