2010

You are currently browsing the yearly archive for 2010.

Hobos aren’t homeless people. Homeless people want a place to live and should be helped. Hobos are drifters by choice who like to roam, who don’t want no home. Below are some historical images of the bindle-stick set.

Hobos have no choice but to walk the rails, after being put off a train.

The Big Hand-Out Hobo Convention in Cincinnati. Photo was taken sometime between 1910-1915.

Hobos take shelter in Chicago in 1929.

Ben Reitman (1879–1942) wasn't a hobo but an anarchist medicine man who treated the impoverished and became known as the "Hobo Doctor."

Leon Ray Livingston was a hobo known as "A-No. 1." This is the cover of his book about traveling 500,000 miles on $7.61!

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Rabbit: But I need my foot. (Image by Gentaur.)

Need a talisman – $25

Hello out there.

I need a talisman. One to ward off negative spirits and if possible to break spell of constant horrible feelings. My life has turned upside down and I feel as though I am lost in a sea of nothingness. No feeling, no life, no more good times just general mediocre blankness. I was not always like this. Some where, some how i was blanketed by a curse and now i feel as though I have to always be laying down, like I’m in a coffin. Please help me out, I know $25.00 is not a lot these days but you’d be doing a good thing.

    China: Like Los Angeles, but worse. (Image by Rgoogin.)

    As China hurtles ahead like a rocket into its highly urban future, the country’s environmental and quality-of-life challenges mount. Formerly a rural culture in which bicycles ruled the road, China’s experiencing a proliferation of cars that’s overwhelmed its infrastructure. The Global Times has a story about a colossal nine-days-and-counting traffic jam across 100 kilometers of highway in the Huai’an section of Northern China. Traffic experts believe it could last, yikes, a month.

    But the snarl has created insta-markets for entrepreneurs who have flocked to the area to serve the stranded drivers’ needs–and make a buck. An excerpt from the article:

    For drivers, suffering the congestion on the Beijing-Tibet Expressway is nothing new. In a similar scene this July, traffic was also reduced to a crawl for nearly one month. Some killed time by playing cards, while some could only wait idly by. In the latest bout of congestion on the Huai’an section, a truck driver surnamed Huang, told the Global Times that he suffered ‘double blows.’

    ‘Instant noodles are sold at four times the original price while I wait in the congestion,’ he said. ‘Not only the congestion annoys me, but also those vendors,’ he joked.”

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    Dr. Cushing, left, with Ivan Pavlov, soon before the beaviorist was mauled and devoured by a dog he teased.

    Pioneering Ohio-born neurosurgeon Dr. Harvey Cushing did many great things for mankind, including introducing blood-pressure measurement to America. He did one final great thing for science in 1939, when he bequeathed a large collection of cancerous brains he’d amassed to his alma mater Yale University. Yale did a pretty brainless thing when it allowed the collection and the meticulous notes that accompanied it to fall into disrepair. Thankfully, the invaluable medical remnants are once again in respectable shape after a $1.4 million renovation project. Dr. Randi Hutter Epstein has a good article about the project in the New York Times. The piece also makes it clear that despite Cushing’s talent and preparation, brain surgery during his career was still very much a work in progress. An excerpt:

    Cushing became the first surgeon in history who could open what he referred to as ‘the closed box’ of the skull of living patients with a reasonable certainty that his operations would do more good than harm.

    Sometimes doctors went into the brain and could not find the tumor. Sometimes they talked to patients during surgery. Dr. Cushing, for one, often used only the local anesthetic Novocain. (The brain itself does not have pain receptors, but having one’s skull cut open must have been agonizing.) Mr. Bliss writes that in 1910, midway through a 10-hour operation on the renowned physician and Army Gen. Leonard Wood, Cushing wanted to stop operating and continue another day, but General Wood–fully alert–begged him to continue.”

    Click on photo to read memorial inscription.

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    Japan: The world's leading exporter of bicycle-riding dogs. (Image by Takato Marui.)

    August has seen a huge spike in international traffic for the moronic site known as Afflictor. Canada, the U.K. and, um, Latvia are battling to see which will be crowned champion of Afflictor Nation for the month. And some countries have checked in for the first time: Romania, Colombia and Pakistan. (Godspeed to you, Pakistan, as you deal with a terrible natural disaster.)

    One country that’s been with us many times before and keeps returning for more stupidity is the Land of the Rising Sun. Best known as a place where men can masturbate over used school girl panties they’ve purchased from a vending machine, Japan is a weird, homogenous nation that’s a leader in technology, disturbing game shows and icky fetishes. Whatever the Japanese are doing, it seems to be working for them because they’re smart and likable people despite their, well, cultural purity. Anyhow: Thanks for your continued interest, Japan, and please accept the warm embrace of Afflictor Nation!

    One of the best English-language short-story collections ever written.

    In 1981, Paul Bowles sat for a wide-ranging interview with the Paris Review, discussing his life and career. During the Q&A, the great writer spoke about the effect he felt television had on storytelling. I don’t agree with him, but it’s a point that’s long been debated. An excerpt:

    “Paris Review: Are you still taping storytellers you meet in cafés [in Morocco]?

    Paul Bowles: There aren’t any more. All that’s completely changed. There’s a big difference just between the sixties and seventies. For instance, in the sixties people still sat in cafés with a sebsi [pipe] and told stories and occasionally plucked an oud or a guimbri. Now practically every café has a television. The seats are arranged differently and no one tells any stories. They can’t because the television is going. No one thinks of stories. If the eye is going to be occupied by a flickering image, the brain doesn’t feel a lack. It’s a great cultural loss. It’s done away with both the oral tradition of storytelling and whatever café music there was.”

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    Stupid-looking and not very functional, this two-wheeled German invention never took off (literally and figuratively) after being introduced to an unimpressed public in the 1950s. There’s not much info online about the Duoped, but it looks to have been the dorkiest way ever to break your ass.

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    "Some of them keep away from baths now because they never had one and are afraid to begin." (Image by Kristen Holden.)

    People in Brooklyn in the late-nineteenth century were apparently a bunch of slobs who lacked indoor plumbing and needed a good scrubbing. They stunk to the high heavens, and everyone was close to fainting from the nasty smell. The Brooklyn Daily Eagle offered a solution for the cleansing of filthy citizens in the most demeaning, insulting terms in its August 13, 1897 edition: Build some public baths, so these miserable scumbags could be less stanky. An excerpt:

    “An enthusiastic support of Mr. Henriques’ device to build public baths under the bridge is assured from a majority of the people. It cannot be denied that baths of some sort are sadly needed in quarters of the city. Ocular and olfactory evidence of that fact is offered only too freely. We have a few floating baths, but they are ridiculously inadequate to the demands upon them. On any warm day you shall see the string of youngsters extended far up the pier, and many are their dodges to escape the vigilance of the police in order to get in ahead of their turn or even commit the offense of going in twice.

    Bathing is to be encouraged in the young. If they persist in it the custom will adhere to them through life. It is desirable that it should adhere to everybody. If not, other things will. It is not the individual alone who profits by the practice of bathing, but the community. If we could feel assured that every citizen in Brooklyn took a bath daily we could laugh at cholera and bubonic plague. Even diphtheria and allied diseases would be lessened, not because clean people are always exempt from them, but because a habit for personal cleanliness begets a habit for cleanliness and order in one’s surroundings and the clean man will desire to live in a clean house.

    The average Brooklyn resident in 1897. (Image by Jim Champion.)

    Near the bridge are unclean persons who live in houses that menace the health of the whole river front. More over, apart from its most obvious virtue bathing has sanitary influence as a stimulant and a sedative. People are awakened by a bath at noon, and a dip on a hot night often enables them to sleep. The swimming and other exercise induced by a plunge in a large pool are likewise beneficial. But why restrict these baths to the edges of the town? They should be for the whole people. Water is a public property, even if we are a little short of it at this moment. In any case, there is the Atlantic Ocean to draw from, for bathing purposes, too, if we are very short.

    Rome had baths so fine and solid in their architectural setting that their ruins are still more substantial than half of the buildings in Brooklyn, and so general and constant were they in use that it was possible to put them at the service of the multitude for a penny or two, while the plunge baths were free to all comers. The regular bath was similar to what we know as the Turkish bath and included sweating, shampooing, swimming and drying. What a different people those of the east side of New York might be if they were persuaded into establishments like that, at least once a week!

    And in time they could be. Some of them keep away from baths now because they never had one and are afraid to begin. This is serious, indeed, too serious. If they could be persuaded to try one many of them would like it. They would induce their friends and command their offspring to try them. Then they would begin to clean up their homes a little and desist from throwing trash about their streets. In time they would become as Americans and would exhibit that virtue which is next to godliness.”

    Spider monkey: Are you posting stuff based solely on how many monkey images you have stored in your cell phone, Afflictor idiot? (Image by Lea Maimone.)

    Spyder Monkeys For adoption – $100 (Brooklyn, NY)

    Hello, My names Joe. I have A place down south where i can easily get my hands on a pet spyder monkey. Theyre lots of fun but alot of work. Please only call if you have safe homes for the Spyder monkeys. They need to be fed reguarly jusst like humans!!! I am however charging a $100 adoption fee for the monkeys due to the shipping costs. They are extremely Rare so please call if serious.

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    Mr. Trump: Paint those tits green, ASAP. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

    I think we can all agree that gorgeous women in skimpy bikinis and high heels is neither sexy enough nor classy enough in this advanced day and age. They need to whip out their breasts and slap some paint on those hooters.

    Thankfully, a first-class individual like Mr. Trump has remedied this problem. Mr. Trump and NBC own the Miss Universe pageant, and they recently released a series of photos and videos that have contestants posed topless with their bare breasts painted a variety of colors, which is a blatant rip-off of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It caused an uproar, but it really is tough to tell which woman is the most beautiful unless you’ve seen her funbags when they’re maroon.

    A lot of people thought the stunt was just more of the same crass, stupid, egotistical hoopla that Mr. Trump engages in, which allows him to create faux controversies and get publicity for his mediocre entertainments and garish buildings and casinos. But they don’t understand how classy Mr. Trump is.

    Anyhow, breast-painting is just the start of the changes that will make the Miss Universe pageant even classier. Contestants will also be required to hump a stripper pole, have their beavers shaved on live television and go down on a cucumber. “The contestants who compete at Miss Universe are diverse and they represent more than 82 countries around the globe,” said a representative for Mr. Trump and NBC, defending the contest’s changes. “Many of their cultures embrace the idea of nasty ho’s with bald pussies. We have to be culturally sensitive and respect that.” To this point, fisting and genital mutilation have been discussed, but no final decision has been made.

    Miss Chloe needs to get her hoo-haa vajazzled. (Image by Pleple2000.)

    Improvements instituted in this year’s Miss Universe pageant may even make it to the world of show dogs if a rumored sale of the Westminster Kennel Club is finalized, and Mr. Trump and NBC gain control of the canine contest. The deal is apparently very close to fruition and everyone is hoping for the best. Westminster is a fierce competition held each year at Madison Square Garden, but it lacks the sizzle and sex appeal it needs if it is going to be the kind of first-rate contest that someone like Mr. Trump demands. Preliminary reports say that from now on beagles will be forced to have their nutsacs pierced and that cockapoos will be dressed in bondage gear. It will be very classy indeed.

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    Futuristic films are almost always more about the era in which they’re made than the one in which they’re set, and Michael Anderson’s 1976 sci-fi adventure Logan’s Run is no exception. A Me Decade parable about the obsession with youth culture and the pleasure principle to the exclusion of all else, the movie sets itself up as a vehicle for scathing satire but detours into more of a joyride.

    Life in the 23rd century doesn’t seem so bad at first blush. Sure, the world outside the domed cities where everyone lives is apparently despoiled and uninhabitable, but it’s pretty great inside the bubble. Everyone is young and beautiful and sexual delight is there for the taking at the Arcade, which is equal parts shopping mall, disco and Plato’s Retreat. There is one catch, however: When people reach the age of 30, they must endure a fiery process in which they will either die or be reborn. A few folks can distract themselves from the orgies long enough to realize that no one is actually ever reincarnated. Logan (Michael York), a so-called Sandman, hunts down those who run when they realize they’re headed for certain doom. But Logan eventually becomes a runner himself with the aid of rebellious Jessica (Jenny Agutter). Together they try to escape the dome and find sanctuary amid the ruins.

    Logan’s Run is a rich film, though its special effects, acting and plotting all career from great to ghastly depending on the scene. The movie is really more an action film than proper satire, and despite its themes, it has a greater concern for its appearance than any deep thinking. In that sense, it truly is emblematic of the ’70s. •

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    There's a picture inside of Andy Kaufman posing with canine-ish wrestlers known as the Moondogs.

    I briefly got my bent, bony fingers on a copy of a pro wrestling program for a card that was presented at Madison Square Garden on July 20, 1981. The cover has a photo of a grappler named Magnificent Muraco. This fellow appeared to be something of a braggart who thought he was superior to his opponents and the fans in attendance. I’m sure the arrogance was just his way of covering up his insecurities, but I hope he received a sound thrashing just the same.

    Inside the pub there are a variety of stories hyping different wrestlers and matches. Page three contains a thoughtful essay about legendary bad guy George “the Animal” Steele. An excerpt:

    “He has earned the nickname of ‘The Animal’ for his completely unruly and unpredictable actions in the rings. Many feel that the man is actually a bit crazy. He has been known to actually bite apart the turnbuckle covers with his teeth on a number of occasions! It has been noted that Steele usually has a far away look in his eyes, and appears to have some strange green substance on his tongue. As Pat Patterson recently suggested, it should be looked into. Either he is not too healthy, or he has some foreign substance in his mouth that he may intend to use on his opponents.”

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    Mom's working on a sewing machine in the center of this multi-person bicycle.

    Charles Steinlauf and his Chicago family were known in the Windy City from the 1930s through the 1960s for creating and demonstrating outrageous freak bikes that somehow worked. The vehicle pictured above was known as the “Goofybike,” and it was probably the oddest of the clan’s many hand-built bicycles. Read about Charles Steinlauf’s wheeled wonders in a 1947 Chicago Daily Tribune article and watch the family take a wild ride in a 1939 newsreel.

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    Afflictor: Helping planet Earth get the party started since 2009. (Image by Liftarn.)

    Savings you cannot believe!

    In case you didn’t notice, Brooklyn Industries on 7th Avenue in Park Slope is having an amazing sale on T-Shirts. You can purchase two T-Shirts for only $50 and three T-Shirts for just $70. I know, the savings, they’re crazy! I usually pay about $420 for a T-Shirt, but no more. And these are special T-Shirts because they’re the kind that cover your shoulders, back, chest and stomach. Don’t miss out on this incredible sale, you stupid fucking idiots!

    No, not that Amazon. (James Duncan Davidson.)

    Slate has an interesting piece by Monte Reel, called “The Most Isolated Man on the Planet,” about the last survivor of an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon Rain Forest. Brazilian officials created a 31-square-mile protected area around him that is off-limits to anyone but the man and have tried to make peaceful contact with him. Those efforts didn’t end well for one government agent. An excerpt:

    “A few Brazilians first heard of the lone Indian in 1996, when loggers in the western state of Rondônia began spreading a rumor: A wild man was in the forest, and he seemed to be alone. Government field agents specializing in isolated tribes soon found one of his huts—a tiny shelter of palm thatch, with a mysterious hole dug in the center of the floor. As they continued to search for whoever had built that hut, they discovered that the man was on the run, moving from shelter to shelter, abandoning each hut as soon as loggers—or the agents—got close. No other tribes in the region were known to live like he did, digging holes inside of huts—more than five feet deep, rectangular, serving no apparent purpose. He didn’t seem to be stray castaway from a documented tribe.

    Eventually, the agents found the man. He was unclothed, appeared to be in his mid-30s (he’s now in his late 40, give or take a few years), and always armed with a bow-and-arrow. Their encounters fell into a well-worn pattern: tense standoffs, ending in frustration or tragedy. On one occasion, the Indian delivered a clear message to one agent who pushed the attempts at contact too far: an arrow to the chest.”

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    Someday you could be just like him. (Shudder.) (Image by Tyler Curtis.)

    The so-called Blog Tyrant is an enterprising 25-year-old Australian guy who creates blogs and sells them for around $20,000, often after they’ve been in existence for just eight months or so. He offers common-sense tips for success on, of course, his blog. On a personal note, I want to confirm that it’s true that I nearly sold Afflictor last week for an ant farm (ants not included), but I decided not to part with it when the guy with the empty ant farm said “no.” Thanks to Newmark’s Door for pointing me toward the site. A few of the  Blog Tyrant’s pointers are listed below.

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    Write a blog you believe in, or pay the price.

    One of the things all the pros tell you is that you need to do something you love. I know how tacky it sounds. Every time I read it I die a little bit inside. But, to be honest, it is actually a really important thing to think about both from a self fulfillment point of view and a profit point of view. Here’s why.

    Firstly, if you spend eight months working on something you don’t believe in or something that disagrees with your personal morals then you are going to end up hating yourself for wasting that precious time. Unless you really believe in the project then don’t even bother doing it because you will end up with lots of regrets later on. I, for example, would never do anything in the adult industry because I don’t believe it has a good impact on society.

    Secondly, if you don’t enjoy working, writing and building the blog you will lose interest after about a month. Glen from Viper Chill talks about this a lot. The initial excitement of making a bucket load of cash wears out really fast, especially if it doesn’t go as fast as you anticipated. If you don’t enjoy writing those posts you will pay the price from a profit point of view.

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    Don’t worry about dominating the niche.

    When I first started trying to make money from blogs I wanted to have the biggest and the best blog on that particular topic. I was frustrated if I was ranking number four or five on Google instead of number one. But after time I realized something. You don’t need to dominate the niche entirely to make money. Sure, being number one is amazing but it isn’t a requirement. The Internet is big enough for you to still be successful without being the dominating website in your niche. Remember that.

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    Choose a good domain name and brand the blog well.

    In this post on choosing a domain name I talked a bit about how to choose the right domain name for your branding. This is SUPER important when trying to sell a blog as people are essentially going to be buying your brand equity – your reputation. The blogs that do really well are the ones that get a lot of traffic, make money but also the one’s that people know about. Make sure you differentiate yourself from the competition in both your look, feel but also the content your produce. It is something you cannot ignore.

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    The bathroom habits of well-to-do people was a recurring theme in Luis Buñuel's work.

    Utter financial freedom can sometimes be a dangerous thing for an artist, especially one as aggressively experimental as Luis Buñuel, but the capital the director had at his disposal after the commercial triumph of 1972’s The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie wasn’t wasted on the admittedly uneven but often brilliant The Phantom of Liberty. The film is a series of glancingly connected, mind-fucking, taboo-busting vignettes that look at humanity and see only meanness, coarseness and hypocrisy.

    Among the movie’s best sequences are a scene in which a group of refined people arrive at a well-appointed home, ostensibly for a dinner party, but are seated on toilet bowls that have been arranged around a dining room table. They engage in polite conversation as they relieve themselves. The partiers subsequently repair individually to a bathroom-sized room to eat meals, taking their nourishment in private, so as not to disgust each other with the repulsive smell of food. Another well-executed passage has parents frantic about the shocking disappearance of their young daughter, who happens to be standing right in front of them the whole time.

    Not each of the pieces works as well as these two segments, but Buñuel’s disgust with our attempts to cover up our primal baseness with propriety hovers over the entire film. He knew that our ability to pretend we’re polite creatures often allows us to commit the most impolite acts. (Available from Netflix and other outlets.)

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    From 1960-64, there was an incredibly ambitious theme park about American history located on 200 acres in the Bronx called Freedomland. It was the brainchild of Cornelius Vanderbilt Wood, who helped Walt Disney create the original Disneyland. The two men had a bitter falling out and Wood went his own way. Freedomland looks like it was amazing, with frontier stagecoach rides, a recreation of the Great Fire of Chicago and park theme music composed by Broadway legend Jules Styne. Unfortunately, it went out of business quickly and was supplanted by the Co-op City housing development.

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    They'll never take me alive. (Image by T. Lersch.)

    Justice wasn’t blind so much as dumb in Brooklyn courtrooms in the 1880s. That’s the conclusion I drew after reading this article in the July 29, 1882 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle in which a monkey was the subject of a terrible miscarriage of justice. Either that or the judge in the case was an incredible smartass. An excerpt:

    “The general opinion that monkeys are of no earthly use to mankind, except to exhibit at circuses, and that they are wanting in human instincts is shown to be erroneous by the part which one of these animals played this morning in an altercation between two men in the Eastern District.

    Thomas Connors and Frederick Weldler were having a set to in the house of the latter, on North Eighth street. From hot words the parties came to blows, and after three or four rounds it became evident to Weldler that his opponent was too much for him. Upon a table was a large monkey, an interesting observer of all that was taking place. When Weldler found that his chances of victory were very dubious unless he resorted to some new tactics the happy thought came to him to enlist the aid and sympathies of his long tailed protege, and, grabbing the monkey by the tail, he threw him on the face of his antagonist.

    A most interesting fight then ensued. The monkey began to claw, scratch, bite and otherwise spoil the countenance of Mr. Connors. The monkey was by far too much for his man, and at last Connors, bleeding and panting, was obliged to leave the house. He sought Officer Phelan, the veteran guardian of the peace in the Fourteenth Ward, and had him arrest Weldler for assault and battery. The parties were taken before Justice Nasher.

    After hearing his story Justice Nasher said to Connors: ‘Then it was the monkey who assaulted you.’

    ‘Yes, it was the monkey, but Weldler threw him at me and set him on,’ replied the defeated man.

    ‘Well, you have no case, as I see,’ said the court,’ against Mr. Weldler. It appears that the monkey is the guilty party, and if you will bring him here we will examine him. Mr. Clark make out a warrant for the arrest of the monkey.’

    Connors did not wait for the warrant but left the court room, remarking as he did so something about taking the law into his own hands and having satisfaction.”

    Judge Judy: I once ruled in favor of a salamander. (Image by Susan Roberts.)

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    "I'm a 40 yo woman, age is starting to creep up on me." (Image by Tomas Castelazo.)

    Want to buy Retin-A – $100 (Passaic Cnty)

    I want to buy Retin A but I don’t have health insurance and I don’t want to pay out of pocket to get a RX. If anyone has any Retin A, 0.05 or .10 preferred but I would take 0.25. I ordered some online but it takes almost a month to get it, and I’m anxious to get it now. Willing to pay top $ if you have some on hand. Thx. ps I’m a 40 yo woman, age is starting to creep up on me. I’ve researched it and I know all the side effects and I’ll be cautious while using it.

    Sarah Palin: Dr. Laura's wingwoman. (Image by David Shankbone.)

    Sarah Palin tweet: Mr. President, why are they so set on marking an area w/ mosque steps from what you described, in agreement with many, as “hallowed ground”?

    Decoder: It’s amusing that I suddenly think New York has hallowed ground. Since gaining national recognition, I’ve made it clear time and again that I have only disdain for New York City, that I think it’s less American than other places in the country. But the second it became politically expedient to think New York City contains hallowed ground, I was happy to play my cards from that end of the deck.

    Sarah Palin: Nobody argues that the freedom of religion that the Muslims have [permits them] to build that mosque somewhere.

    Decoder: Yes, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion “somewhere.” Maybe in Trenton or someplace like that. Secaucus–that’s a good place for religious freedom.

    Newt Gingrich: You know, Nazis don’t have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There’s no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center.

    Decoder: I’ve just compared Muslim-Americans who haven’t broken any laws to Nazis. Abridging the rights of Muslim-Americans today because we are at war with Al-Qaeda is no different in principle than Japanese-Americans being denied rights during WWII.

    Terrorists want you to eat this delicious, delicious sandwich.

    Newt Gingrich: America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization.

    Decoder: Some guy just opened a falafel stand not four miles from where I live. It’s like Pearl Harbor with chickpeas.

    Rep. Peter King: There are too many mosques in America.

    Decoder: I have already tried to say this comment was taken out of context, but the unedited video makes it clear that it wasn’t. I am a sad and prejudiced man.

    President Obama: I was not commenting and I will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to put a mosque there. I was commenting very specifically on the right people have that dates back to our founding. That’s what our country is about.

    Decoder: I was being more honest and accurate when I said, “Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable.” But then some Democrats who are running for reelection this fall gave Rahm Emmanuel an earful, so I had to backtrack somewhat. I should stick to defending the Constitution.

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    It's fun pretending I'm a Nazi, Mom!

    Toys were less politically correct back in the day, but these 1947 items from Little Novelty Company in Long Beach, California, were doozies by any standards. When we were just a couple years removed from WWII, this ad, which ran in comic books, offered children replica German and Italian firearms for a measly $1.25. You know, weapons just like the ones that were used to murder Allied soldiers and force Jewish people into death camps. An excerpt from the copy:

    “Kids! Kids! Kids! Adults too! Here is a gun that is exactly like that carried by the German officers in World War II. It is the improved model of the German Luger. Reproduced in actual size, design and balance. Made of solid cast aluminum and finished in gun-metal black. An authentic World War II souvenir.

    Also available: The Celebrated Italian 7.65 Brevettata. This small, semi-automatic pistol was one of the finest made by the Fascists. Carried by the crack Italian Alpine troops. Later used by the underground. Reproduced in actual size, design and balance. Made of solid cast aluminum and finished in gun-metal black.

    Absolutely Safe! Cannot Be Fired.”

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    Spy magazine existed during the ’80s mostly to ensure that Tama Janowitz didn’t get away with too much. You see, Tama Janowitz wrote novels that were more successful than their merit suggested they should be, so she needed to be put in her place. Thankfully, a bunch of jackasses with fancy educations who wished they were writing crappy books that sold a lot of copies were there to ridicule her. Take that, Tama Janowitz!

    Seriously, Kurt Andersen and Graydon Carter chose just the right moment to publish Spy. New York was in the midst of a decade of greed that rivaled the Roaring Twenties for excess but with none of the earlier era’s panache. The publication was there to take the piss out of the whole stupid thing–the Milkens, the Helmsleys, the Trumps. (I will always feel indebted to Spy for dubbing Donald Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian.”) I can’t say I ever read the magazine much at the time, but the only things that came out of that decade that ended up influencing comedy more were Letterman and the Simpsons.

    I got my grimy, grubby fingers on a copy of the October 1989 issue that is built around the “Spy 100,” the snarky mag’s annual takedown of insider traders, political advisors and all manner of irksome cretins that made NYC break out in hives. It features a fairly famous cover that shows President Bush (the sleepy one, not his son who gave the entire planet a vigorous rogering from behind) with words carved into his hair, as was the idiotic custom of some kids of the time. (The idea was later borrowed for this Newsweek cover.) The list skewers the expected (political hit-man Lee Atwater was number one), the unexpected (people excessively grieving the late Lucille Ball) and, yes, Tama Janowitz. An excerpt from the passage about hotelier horror Leona Helmsley:

    “Caught billing more than $4 million in personal expenses to the real estate empire she gold-dug out of her now-enfeebled husband. Convicted of tax evasion (conspiracy and mail fraud; acquitted on charges of extortion of kickbacks from cowering business vendors). Continued running self-reverential ads. Anticipating the horror stories about her routine terorization of employees, Leona’s lawyer admitted in opening remarks–boasted even–that she was a ‘tough bitch.’ Trump called her a ‘disgrace to humanity in general.'”

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    A man named Jim Steager sings about Jesus while wearing dog make-up and the world collectively shudders. (Thanks Cynical-C and Boing Boing.)

     

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