2010

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Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Comments At The “Restoring Honor” Rally And In Its Aftermath

September 2, 2010 in Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Fills emotional voids at reasonable rates. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: Of course I regret calling Obama a racist. I have a big, fat mouth.

Decoder: Also my ass, stomach and neck are really big and fat. Sores on my back and chest fester with pus. My brain is damaged from drug and alcohol abuse. I have sinister eyes on my gigantic, stupid head. My breath stinks with decay. My soul is soaked in tarantula piss. I have viscous fluid emanating from my ears. It’s likely a mixture of dog vomit and vampire snot. My bowels produce green feces. I eat them with a spoon and crap them out again. But mostly, I have a big, fat mouth.

Glenn Beck: The story of America is the story of humankind.

Decoder: Except for all that boring shit that occurred on Earth prior to 234 years ago. Maybe some of that stuff departs from America’s story, but who gives a fuck.

Glenn Beck: [The early American settlers] didn’t have the right to worship God as they saw fit. So they got down on their knees and they didn’t want to come to this land, they did just because that was what God wanted them to do. With malice towards none, they got into their boats and they came.

Decoder: Luckily, it was a really long trip and they were able to build up a lot of malice along the way. It was a really nice big fucking bowl of malice, which was good because there were many, many people that needed slaughtering.

Glenn Beck: I have been going to Mt. Vernon. I went to the National Archives, and I held the first inaugural address written in his own hand by George Washington.

Enjoy some complimentary gunfire, new friend. No malice intended.

Decoder: Unfortunately, Mother Jones looked into this boast and called bullshit on me. I “didn’t lay a finger on any precious documents, much less George Washington’s inaugural address. That would be a major violation of policy. Those kinds of treasures are only handled by specially trained archival staff.”

Glenn Beck: Today America turns back to God. For too long this country has wandered in darkness.

Decoder: I like to pretend that at some point in the distant past America was greater. The country was actually nowhere near as great during its founding. Women were second-class citizens, people of color were treated as property and voting rights were limited at the time. But if I can feed some Americans’ nostalgic need for a utopia that never existed, I can create an emotional bond with them that will help me sell them crappy hardcover books and substandard gold bullion.

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Old Print Article: “Practical Joking In Flatbush,” Brooklyn Daily Eagle (1885)

September 1, 2010 in Old Print Articles, Urban Studies | Permalink

Once we've murdered the cobbler, we'll all have a good laugh. (Image by Catleen Thorbecke,)

Practical jokes aren’t really funny unless several people are sued and arrested. In Brooklyn in 1885, a pack of jackass neighborhood kids played pranks seemingly endlessly on an elderly Flatbush cobbler with a funny name. Their many humorous attempts at maiming him and ruining his life were unfortunately interrupted by that uptight, unfunny thing called the law. An excerpt from a Brooklyn Daily Eagle article on the topic that ran in the July 23, 1885 edition, with  the subtitle “Local Humorists Under Arrest”:

“For a long time past the more youthful portion of Flatbush has found much pleasure in playing practical jokes on Mr. Charles Brankenhausen, a local shoemaker, somewhat advanced in years, but the recreation seems to have come to a sudden stop. Previous to the last election, Mr, Brankenhausen was inveigled into delivering a stump speech at a burlesque banner-raising to have it hopelessly ruined by the explosion of a cannon cracker beneath the barrel on which he stood.

This he passed lightly by, but when the humorists found him asleep they partially tarred and feathered him, the result was not so pleasing. He sued Ravenhall, the proprietor of the house where the tarring was done, for $10,000, and got $250 in a compromise. On July 4 Mr. Brankenhausen was awakened at an unseemly hour by the terrific explosion of a vast number of big crackers, distributed judiciously about his sleeping room, and narrowly escaped injury. Suspicion fell on Adrian Bergen and Joseph Smith, two youthful wits, who were both arrested. The trial has been twice postponed, but will come up finally before Justice Cox this evening.”

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Gleaned: The Twentieth Anniversary Playboy Reader (1974)

September 1, 2010 in Books, Excerpts, Urban Studies | Permalink

"Stella Bugbee" is inscribed on the inside flap. The previous owner, I suppose. There's a designer by that name, but I don't know if it's the same person.

I gleaned this book a few blocks from my Brooklyn apartment just yesterday. It’s a beat-up hardback copy (sans dust jacket) of a Playboy compilation of interviews, fiction, reportage and humor from the era when Hefner put out a great publication that attracted the best writers. This collection features work from Woody Allen, Murray Kempton, Joyce Carol Oates and Vladimir Nabokov.

One brief, interesting piece from 1971, “World 42-Freaks 0,” recounts conservative author Garry Willis’ visit to a Canadian commune, where he mostly found “dope, dirt and self-indulgence.” An excerpt about a drug deal gone awry:

“A car door slams–Tony, back from taking Dani to the city. His hair is short, the Army crew cut still growing out: his tanned, thin arms are scribbled over with ‘good ole boy’ unsophisticated tattoos. His eyes light up at the sight of two motorcycles, and he kicks one off into the field, wheels slipping as he bangs off thin deciduous trees, then races halfway up the incline till the loose grass and leaves throw him, laughing crazily. the motor kicks and coughs itself to rest on the ground.

‘Bombed out of his head,’ Al mutters. ‘He was supposed to deal some dope in the city, but he got high on the first batch. Well, it always happens. When people first come over the border, they have to stay high for a couple of weeks before they can get themselves together.’ Tony deserted last week, when his company was preparing to ship out for Vietnam. ‘That mean we’ll have nothing but rice and salad for dinner tonight.'”

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Afflictor Nation: Canada Has Nothing Better To Do

September 1, 2010 in Misc. | Permalink

Something related to hockey, no doubt.

For the second month in a row, Canada has reached the pinnacle of idiocy by outpacing all other foreign nations in unique visitors to Afflictor, a site known for profanity and typos. (If you don’t like it, fukc you!). For seven months running, Russia had been champion of Afflictor Nation, but Canada, for once in its existence, showed some fight and wrested away the top spot. How ridiculous is it that Canada is spending so much time on Afflictor? Let’s put it this way: Even Latvia, which finished in third place, has more sense. That’s right, Latvia, which only gets to be an independent nation because no one has figured out a practical use for it. I guess Afflictor should be flattered by all the attention from our neighbor to the north. I mean, Canada is considered a world power, until you stop to think about it. Then: embarrassed laughter. Anyhow, we salute you, Canada, reigning champion of Afflictor Nation!

Featured Video: Color Film Footage From 1922

September 1, 2010 in Science/Tech, Videos | Permalink

Eastman Kodak tested Kodachrome in 1922, thirteen years before the company began to manufacture and sell the color reversal film. So we have the anachronistic, hypnotic sight of bright film footage of flappers and other Jazz Age Americans, who are usually known to us in an assortment of grays. Thanks to kottke.org for pointing out this amazing video.

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Miscellaneous Media: A Knight’s Hard Day

August 31, 2010 in Misc. | Permalink

Paul and Ringo are hoping to delay a Beatles reunion for as long as they possibly can.

I briefly got my hands on this Beatles double-LP rarities collection cleverly known as A Knight’s Hard Day. It was published by Apple Records sometime in the ’60s, though there’s no exact date stamped on the discs or cover. There’s a Japanese version selling on eBay right now for $33, but there’s little other info about the record online.

The albums have alternative versions, recorded in 1963 and 1964 at a variety of venues, of Beatles classics like “Can’t Buy Me Love.” But these are slightly different versions aimed at hard-core fans and not brilliant re-imaginings that you absolutely need to hear. There are also covers of classics, including “Youngblood,” “Lucille” and “Too Much Monkey Business.” Perhaps what’s most entertaining is that in one of the interviews with the Fab Four, which was recorded during the Australia-New Zealand tour of 1964, Ringo Starr apparently farts and then is teased with gusto by John Lennon. Not as interesting is the rather generic back cover copy:

“While compiling this series of albums we have come across some strange oddities, some of which have presented us with huge problems in order to give you what we always promised: The finest collection of alternative takes ever compiled in a listenable format.”

More Miscellaneous Media:

  • The Lowbrow Reader remembers Ol’ Dirty Bastard. (2004)
  • LP record about the 1972 Oakland A’s.
  • Madison Square Garden professional wrestling program. (1981)
  • Spy magazine. (1989)
  • Artis Gilmore ABA basketball card. (1973-74)
  • San Francisco cable car ticket stub. (1990s)
  • Bronx high school newspaper. (1947)
  • Mad magazine. (1966)
  • Vancouver Blazers hockey guide. (1974-75)
  • John Hummer NBA card. (1973)
  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

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    Recently Posted On NYC’s Craigslist

    August 31, 2010 in Misc., Urban Studies | Permalink

    Balloon animals are my speciality. (Image by Amber Ragland.)

    Children Entertainer for Alaska Trip (Alaska)

    We are looking to contract the services of a children entertainer for a nonprofit Halloween fundraiser event in Juneau Alaska. We will provide travel, lodging and transportation for the performer and a companion. The entertainer can arrive as early and leave as late as he/she wants. As a nonprofit and as a pay-what-you-can performance our budget is limited. We would like to barter the performance fee for the travel companion plane ticket and the extended stay in Alaska. We are open to all bartering suggestion.

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    Featured Video: Bulldog Watching Family Guy

    August 30, 2010 in Urban Studies, Videos | Permalink

    Many of you have repeatedly begged me to post a video of myself on the site, and I’ve resisted–until now, that is. This is footage of me watching Family Guy this past Sunday. When I watch the tube, I like to get really comfortable and bare my dog-like genitals. (Thanks to Cynical C for posting this video.)

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    Strange, Small & Forgotten Films: Confessions Of A Superhero (2007)

    August 30, 2010 in Film | Permalink

    Matthew Ogens’ creepy, fascinating documentary, Confessions of a Superhero, works incredibly well as an extreme psychological portrait of four misfits rattling around on the lonely, desperate edges of the Hollywood margins. The quartet is essentially a flock of panhandlers who dress as superheroes and pose for photos with tourists in exchange for small donations. It’s a grim, disturbing picture of our obsession with celebrity–difficult to watch but just as tough to look away.

    The “stars” of the movie are gangly ex-meth addict Christopher Dennis, who dons a sweat-stained Superman costume and claims to be the hushed-up illegitimate son of the late actress Sandy Dennis; curvy former Tennessee prom queen Jennifer Wenger, who forces her assets into a Wonder Woman costume when she’s not busy making awful life decisions; rage-filled Batman impersonator Maxwell Allen, who has a passing resemblance to George Clooney and puts the “Dark” back into the Dark Knight; and scrawny, depressed Joe McQueen, who transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk with the aid of green, plastic muscles.

    They all dream of being celebrities making 20 mil a picture, and in each case they have a stunning level of self-deception. But their delusions, which sustain them, are discomfiting because they remind us of how we are all capable of kidding ourselves, even if on a much smaller scale. Also really captivating are the parallels between these troubled souls and the characters they impersonate. Sad as he is, Dennis really has a noble Clark Kent streak that makes him the unofficial mayor of this glitzy skid row. McQueen, who was homeless for years, dreams of hulking up and avenging that bully known as life. It’s not always easy to tell if these sad-sacks gravitated to a particular guise because they related to the character’s personality traits or if the roles they play gradually begin to shape their behavior. In some cases, the clothes seem to make the man and the Wonder Woman.•

    Miscellaneous Media: The Lowbrow Reader (2004)

    August 29, 2010 in Excerpts, Misc. | Permalink

    Stuck zipper. (Image by John Mathias.)

    I used to work with the really witty journalist Jay Ruttenberg. In addition to his many other enterprises, he publishes a wry, wonderful zine called The Lowbrow Reader, which focuses on the world of comedy, gleefully mocking everything along the way. For anyone raised on Mad magazine, it’s so up your alley. (You can order back issues here.) And it’s fun knowing that someone is walking around in 2010, completely obsessed with Harpo Marx and the like.

    Each cover has a play on the same disgusting theme: someone attempting to relieve himself or herself in a bathroom. But complications often ensue. In the cover on the right, a man dressed as a bear is stuck in his costume when he really needs to use the toilet. When I had my apartment painted a few years back, I walked in on one of the workers, who spoke no English, laughing heartily at this image. A guy in a bear costume trying desperately to take a dump is a universal language.

    Inside this issue, you can read an essay from a woman who dated Jackie Mason and a critical consideration of the TV show Wings. (No, seriously.) There’s also a filthy, funny piece about the inner sanctum of Brooklyn rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard (who passed away after this issue was published). The person describing ODB’s home is a talented writer named Margeaux Watson, also a former colleague, who visited the rapper’s lair to interview him in all his dirty, bastardly glory. An excerpt:

    "It was the smell of Newport cigarettes, feet, ass, food and unbrushed teeth."

    “Lowbrow Reader: You’re probably one of the few women who has been inside Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s house and hasn’t returned with a venereal disease.

    Margeaux Watson: Or a child.

    Lowbrow Reader: Where does he live?

    Margeaux Watson: He lives in Brooklyn. It’s an odd location–it’s not ghetto-ish, but it’s also not where you’d expect a star to live. In Brooklyn, most stars live in Brooklyn Heights, Williamsburg or Fort Greene. But he’s in more of a working-class, family neighborhood. A lot of brownstones and row houses; it’s not near a subway or an urban center.

    Lowbrow Reader: What’s his house like?

    Margeaux Watson: He lives in a brownstone. It’s been renovated, so it’s modern on the inside. It’s a narrow apartment, with white walls and hardwood floors. It’s surprisingly well-kept and pretty neat–except for its smell. It smelled bad.

    Lowbrow Reader: Can you describe the odor?

    Margeaux Watson: It was the smell of Newport cigarettes, feet, ass, food and unbrushed teeth. Just all-around funk. A bouquet of stink.”

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    Old Print Article: “A Yarn From Seattle–Capture of A Singular Creature Resembling A Merman,” Brooklyn Daily Eagle (1896)

    August 29, 2010 in Old Print Articles, Urban Studies | Permalink

    "Hastily raising his weapon his lordship fired and hit the creature between the eyes."

    I checked the date of this 1890’s Brooklyn Daily Eagle article about some English fishermen who allegedly killed a merman (male mermaid). I intiially assumed it was an April Fool’s Day prank, but the story was reported in earnest. The article doesn’t say it, but these Brits were likely drunk out of their skulls. Also: They may have murdered a hobo who’d gone swimming. An excerpt:

    “A party of Englishmen who have been porpoise fishing in the Pacific discovered and killed a monster that resembled a merman. The party was off the island of Watmoff on a housing boat and Lord Devonshire, one of the fishers, had just shot a porpoise, when some one called out ‘Look there,’ pointing to a frightful looking monster about a cable’s length away. Hastily raising his weapon his lordship fired and hit the creature between the eyes. The shot, though it did not kill it, so stunned the animal that it lay perfectly still on the surface of the sea.

    It showed fight when hauled into the boat and had to be killed to prevent it from swamping the craft. The monster is said to be one of the strangest freaks ever put together. It measures 10 feet from its nose to the end of its fluke shaped tail and the girth of its human shaped body was just six feet. It would weigh close to 500 pounds. From about the breast bone to the point at the base of the stomach it looked like a man. Its arms, quite human in shape and form, are very long and covered completely with long, coarse, dark reddish hair, as is the whole body.

    It had, or did have, at one time four fingers and a thumb on each hand, almost human in shape, except that in place of finger nails there were long, slender claws. But in days probably long since gone by, it had evidently fought some monster that had got the best of it, for the forefinger of the right hand, the little finger of the left and the left thumb are missing entirely. Immediately under the right breast is a broad, ugly looking scar which looked as if sometime in the past it had been inflicted by a swordfish. The creature is now being preserved in ice at Seattle and will be shipped to the British museum.”

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    Recently Posted On NYC’s Craigslist

    August 28, 2010 in Misc., Urban Studies | Permalink

    At this point, you're just fucking with me, aren't you? (Image by Thegreenj.)

    Beer Can Chicken Cooker (New Rochelle)

    Here’s a delicious way to cook a chicken. You’ve probably heard about this but haven’t tasted a good chicken until you have tried it this way.

    You put your favorite beer or even soda (for a sweeter taste) in the holder in it’s original can, prepare the chicken with your favorite seasonings and pop it in the oven or even on the BBQ. The steam created from the release of the beer tenderizes and flavors the chicken.

    It returns the most flavorful chicken that is so moist you can cut it with a fork.

    For best results, place whole chicken over can of drink (¾ full). Cut a potato to fit in the neck cavity of the chicken to hold in the moisture.

    5 Available (NEW) . Will sell for $6 each.

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    “Highlights” From Another Week Of Afflictor Crap

    August 27, 2010 in Misc. | Permalink

    Afflictor: Receiving positive feedback from the intelligentsia since 2009. (Image by ENDelt260.)

    Old Print Ad: Motorola Shirt-Pocket Radio (1960)

    August 27, 2010 in Misc., Science/Tech, Urban Studies | Permalink

    The advertisement is on sale on eBay, but the actual radio is not listed there.

    This 1960 Motorola Transistor Radio was intended for people who wanted to stash some sounds in their shirt pockets. The radio, which predated the landmark Sony Walkman by nearly 20 years, was a tiny four-and-a-half inches high, weighed eight ounces (with battery) and cost $24.95. If Motorola had figured out how to produce headphones to go with it, the personal music revolution would have begun in earnest two decades earlier. An excerpt from the ad copy:

    “A new Motorola radio miniaturized to fit a shirt pocket(or purse)–yet with the power and sound you’d expect from a larger set. Powerful 6-transistor chassis pinpoints stations–holds them strong and steady. Motorola-designed 2 1/2″ Golden Voice speaker with new cone delivers rich, clear lows–crisp highs. Battery life up to 100 hours at normal volume level–2 1/2 times longer than in previous models this size. Give a look and listen at your Motorola Dealer. It’s worth the trip.”

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    Even Rep. Ron Paul, Who Is Insane, Can See Through All The Ground Zero Mosque Nonsense

    August 27, 2010 in Excerpts, Politics, Urban Studies | Permalink

    Ron Paul: Even I'm not that crazy.

    From ronpaul.com:

    “The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims. This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservatives’ aggressive wars.

    The House Speaker is now treading on a slippery slope by demanding a Congressional investigation to find out just who is funding the mosque—a bold rejection of property rights, 1st Amendment rights, and the Rule of Law—in order to look tough against Islam.

    This is all about hate and Islamaphobia.

    We now have an epidemic of “sunshine patriots” on both the right and the left who are all for freedom, as long as there’s no controversy and nobody is offended.

    Political demagoguery rules when truth and liberty are ignored.”

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    “Being Poor Is Like Being In The Asshole Witness Protection Program”

    August 27, 2010 in Excerpts, Urban Studies | Permalink

    Fresno Slim's Bum Spit--the bum spit category leader since 1899.

    I came across this funny McSweeney’s phony advice column, which was written by Alison Rosen, who was a very witty colleague of mine some time ago. She also has an Internet TV show called Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend, in which she talks non-stop into a camera. Seriously, she either can’t or won’t shut the fuck up. An excerpt from the McSweeney’s piece, Poverty Is Wonderful, which looks at the positive side of the economic decline:

    •No one can accuse you of being a rich asshole
    Go ahead, see how many rich assholes you can name. We could play this game all day if I didn’t have a croquet match in twenty. But the point is that everyone can list rich assholes. Poor people can be assholes too, but no one knows their name. Being poor is like being in the asshole witness protection program. That’s something money can’t buy.

    •No one tries to use you for your money
    Do you have any idea what it’s like to be pursued by only the most attractive and eligible members of the opposite sex? To be invited to countless galas? To spend every waking moment on a yacht? It’s empty, but you wouldn’t possibly understand. Heavy hangs the neck that wears the VIP laminate. But when someone visits your hovel or cardboard box you can be assured that they really like you for you. Or because you’re on their stoop.

    •You don’t have to wonder what you’d do if you didn’t spend so much time making money
    Go ahead and make that artistic masterpiece out of crushed cans and bum spit. Write your novel on Popsicle sticks. Stage a production of Cats featuring real cats.

    •No awkward lying to beggars
    Instead of averting your gaze and mumbling “no, sorry” to a panhandler who asks if you have spare change, you can confidently look the beggar square in the eye and feel great about not helping.

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    Featured Video: James Murphy + Kermit The Frog

    August 27, 2010 in Videos | Permalink

    I know a lot of you have probably already seen this Kemrit-centric video of New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down, but it just makes me so happy.

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    Strange, Small & Forgotten Films: Head (1968)

    August 27, 2010 in Film | Permalink

    Faux rock had four heroes and they were known collectively as the Monkees. A pre-fab Fab Four knockoff, the Monkees were formed as a commercial entity, via cattle call, and Mickey Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork and Davy Jones weren’t exactly selected for their musical talent. The group’s peppy TV show made them humongous teen idols and money movers made sure the best songwriters and studio musicians of the day kept them atop the charts. Then the show got cancelled and the hits didn’t keep on coming. The boys had been tired for some time of being marketing tools and wanted to create their own music and identity, something that spoke to the turbulent times. They hoped to prove they weren’t just children’s entertainers selling Coca-Cola but also the children of Marx and Coca-Cola.

    Enter director Bob Rafelson and screenwriter Jack Nicholson. Rafelson had cut his teeth directing the Monkees silly show and Nicholson was then still more of a writer than an actor. Both were headed for gigantic careers, but at this point their assignment was to create a surreal, plotless movie full of trippy, musical scenes that would explode and recreate the Monkees, with the lads gleefully making the kind of contributions that heretofore had not been allowed. Head pretty much accomplishes the task at hand, even if the surrealism isn’t of the Buñuel or Jodorowsky calibre.

    There is, however, Frank Zappa and a talking cow, fearsome heavyweight boxer Sonny Liston beating the snot out of the elfin Englishman Jones and soda machines (selling Coca-Cola, of course) sitting incongruously in the middle of the desert. The band didn’t last much longer than the Head premiere party, so this prelude to their new identity was actually the main act. Imperfect as it is, the film remains a fascinating oddity, a rare moment when the center of pop culture gleefully ran headlong into the cutting edge.•

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    Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Comments About The “Restoring Honor” Rally In Washington D.C.

    August 27, 2010 in Politics | Permalink

    Glenn Beck: Dead soul stored in neck fat. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

    Glenn Beck: This is going to be a moment that you’ll never be able to paint people as haters, racists, none of it.

    Decoder: For one moment, I will stop being a hateful racist.

    Glenn Beck: This is a moment, quite honestly, that I think we reclaim the Civil Rights movement.

    Decoder: We’ll take it away from the people who are doing good work with it and fuck it up.

    Glenn Beck: Help us restore the values that founded this great nation.

    Decoder: They really need restoring because opportunistic shitheads like me have degraded them repeatedly in the name of profit.

    Glenn Beck: I know that people are going to hammer because they’re going to say, “It’s no Martin Luther King speech.” Of course it’s not Martin Luther King. You think I’m Martin Luther King?

    My first name was not Martin.

    Decoder: I’m not even Martin Luther Vandross.

    Glenn Beck: I’m sorry, oh so important media, that I forgot the date [of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.]

    Decoder: Oh, wait. I also forgot that I work in the media. I conveniently forget lots of stuff.

    Glenn Beck: Do not bring [to the rally] any sort of weapon, including a pocket knife, firearms (real or simulated), ammunition. explosives or incendiary devices of any kind, knives, blades, or sharp objects of any length.

    Decoder: If I have to tell people to not bring firearms and explosives to a so-called civil rights rally, exactly what kind of assholes support me?

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    Miscellaneous Media: “Finley’s Heroes” LP (1972)

    August 26, 2010 in Misc., Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

    Finley wanted MLB to use orange balls for night games. Not such a crazy idea if you think about it.

    Because you didn’t already have enough long-playing records featuring baseball players Dal Maxvill, Joe Rudi and Matty Alou, Fleetwood Sounds rushed out this quickie LP in 1972 in the wake of the extremely hirsute Oakland A’s winning their first World Series. The “Finley” of the title is, of course, the late owner of the team, Charlie Finley, who was bold and innovative and a real prick.

    The A’s broadcast team narrates the story of the team’s winning season, with play-by-play action, highlights and interviews. An excerpt from the jacket copy:

    Charlie Finley later had LASIK surgery on his forehead.

    “With their shaggy hair, bold mustaches and eye-catching uniforms, the swingin’ A’s acquired a reputation in 1972 as one of the most colorful teams in the history of baseball. But far more important than being colorful, the A’s also proved that they were the best in baseball in bringing to the Bay Area its first world championship.

    As told by A’s announcers Monte Moore and Jim Piersall, this is the story that excited the entire Bay Area as nothing ever had before. It’s the story of the swingin’ A’s–the world champion A’s.”

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    Recently Posted On NYC’s Craigslist

    August 26, 2010 in Misc., Urban Studies | Permalink

    Siasconset Beach, 1932. (Image from the Nantucket Historical Association.)

    lump o wax – $1 (flushing)

    I got some surfwax here. dont need it no more. it got a little lumpy from the sun and sand and grime but still worksjust the same. you can use it as wax or to write a girls # on your board when on the beach or just for the sake of buying useless crap on cl. pick up only. price negotiable. thanks for looking.

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    Old Print Article: “Hyman Wolf’s Whiskers–He Says Moe Karp Pulled Them Out By The Roots,” Brooklyn Daily Eagle (1898)

    August 26, 2010 in Old Print Articles, Urban Studies | Permalink

    It hurt like a bastard. (Image by Frank Schulenburg.)

    In a Brooklyn tailor shop in the 19th-century, two nudniks started talking trash about one another and then one of the a-holes pulled off part of his rival’s beard. It was a brutal and shocking crime. At least nobody got kicked in the vagina. An excerpt from the completely unnecessary story that ran in the March 11, 1898 issue of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle:

    “A little bunch of whiskers which at one time adorned the chin of Hyman Wolf, a Brownsville tailor, appeared as part of the evidence in an assault case in which Wolf was the complainant in the Gates avenue court this morning. Wolf works in a tailor shop kept by a man named Diamond on Stone avenue, near Belmont avenue, and at the bench next to his own sits Moe Karp, another tailor. A few days ago Karp and Wolf held a conversation which terminated in a quarrel and before Wolf could prevent it, he says, Karp had hold of his whiskers.

    Karp pulled hard and Wolf howled with pain. Several other tailors rushed in to separate the two and when they were finally parted Wolf’s theretofore even beard had a rugged appearance, and the indentations in its edges could have been filled out nicely with the portions of his hirsute growth which were discovered in Karp’s clutches. In some unexplained manner. Wolf obtained the missing parts of his facial adornment and carefully preserved them in a piece of paper. The case was adjourned this morning.”

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    Strange, Small & Forgotten Films: Inserts (1976)

    August 26, 2010 in Film | Permalink

    Jessica Harper's career-best role in Dario Argento's "Suspiria" was released the year after "Inserts."

    Most people watch Sunset Blvd., Billy Wilder’s brilliant tale of madness and degradation in Hollywood, and think it sufficiently dark. Writer-director John Byrum apparently watched that 1950 classic and thought that it was far too sunny. Byrum’s Inserts, a five-person period piece about the seamy side of Hollywood during the advent of Talkies, while not close to being on par with Wilder’s work, all but completely turns out the lights on that town.

    The Wonder Boy (Richard Dreyfuss) was the genius director of the Silent Era, but by the 1930s he’s an alcoholic, agoraphobic, impotent wreck. He makes stag films in his decrepit mansion for Big Mac (Bob Hoskins), a creepy gangster and fledgling fast-food hamburger kingpin. A young actor named Clark Gable wants the erstwhile golden boy to direct him in a picture, but the auteur’s been down too long to rise to the occasion. When he’s not urinating in the swimming pool or dodging bill collectors, the Wonder Boy coaxes erotic performances from his strung-out girlfriend Harlene (Veronica Cartwright) and her leading man, a vile meathead known as Rex, the Wonder Dog (Stephen Davies). When Harlene ODs, Mac and Rex exit to dump the body, leaving the filmmaker alone with the gangster’s girlfriend, Cathy Cake (Jessica Harper).

    The aspiring actress Cake talks the director into using her to film inserts, or complementary shots, that can pad the movie, which was a few scenes shy of completion when the leading lady died. While Cake is the one who’s literally naked during the shooting, it’s the Wonder Boy who really gets undressed as the duo insult, coax and seduce one another. Despite its heavy themes, the film is essentially a dark comedy that even slyly offers a glimmer of hope. Byrum wasn’t in complete command at every moment of what he wanted to say and not all of his dialogue works, but the final line is one of the funniest finishes a film could hope for. (Available from Netflix and other outlets.)

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    Featured Video: Rejuvenique Beauty Mask

    August 25, 2010 in Urban Studies, Videos | Permalink

    The wonderful folks at the Found Footage Festival have posted this infomercial for the most frightening beauty product ever created. Dynasty catfight champion Linda Evans encourages you to purchase this vibrating hockey mask, which was supposed to somehow make you more attractive. Two positives: It didn’t interfere with magazine reading and it frightened small children.

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    Steve Jobs And The Sumo Wrestling Industry

    August 25, 2010 in Excerpts, Science/Tech, Urban Studies | Permalink

    Taking a break from e-mailing. (Image by Arcimboldo.)

    The Japanese sport of sumo wrestling has always been a dicey business. The industry has been linked to yakuza, match fixing and illicit gambling. A recent betting scandal has convinced officials at the JSA (Japan Sumo Association) that they need to improve communication between themselves and the organization’s wrestlers. The problem? The rotund athletes’ fingers are so large that they aren’t able to execute keyboard strikes and remain in email contact with the supervisors. The solution? The JSA has purchased iPads for their beefy, large-fingered competitors, to make emailing easier for them. Thanks to Marginal Revolution for pointing me in the direction of this BBC article on the topic. An excerpt:

    “The sport’s authorities were criticised for their clumsy efforts to investigate the scandals, in part due poor communication between sumo leaders. The iPads are intended to speed up communication between JSA officials, wrestlers and coaches, who have until now relied on telephone or fax.

    ‘We will hand out the newest iPads to all the sumo stables to swiftly communicate what we need to,’ JSA vice chairman Hiroyoshi Murayama said.

    Many Japanese newspapers also reported that the iPad had been chosen because of its large touch-screen keys that can be easily prodded by the giant wrestlers. ‘When they try to send e-mail on mobile phones or PCs they often end up pressing two or three keys at once,’ said the daily Nikkan Sports.“

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