Glenn Beck: Dead soul stored in neck fat. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: This is going to be a moment that you’ll never be able to paint people as haters, racists, none of it.

Decoder: For one moment, I will stop being a hateful racist.

Glenn Beck: This is a moment, quite honestly, that I think we reclaim the Civil Rights movement.

Decoder: We’ll take it away from the people who are doing good work with it and fuck it up.

Glenn Beck: Help us restore the values that founded this great nation.

Decoder: They really need restoring because opportunistic shitheads like me have degraded them repeatedly in the name of profit.

Glenn Beck: I know that people are going to hammer because they’re going to say, “It’s no Martin Luther King speech.” Of course it’s not Martin Luther King. You think I’m Martin Luther King?

My first name was not Martin.

Decoder: I’m not even Martin Luther Vandross.

Glenn Beck: I’m sorry, oh so important media, that I forgot the date [of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.]

Decoder: Oh, wait. I also forgot that I work in the media. I conveniently forget lots of stuff.

Glenn Beck: Do not bring [to the rally] any sort of weapon, including a pocket knife, firearms (real or simulated), ammunition. explosives or incendiary devices of any kind, knives, blades, or sharp objects of any length.

Decoder: If I have to tell people to not bring firearms and explosives to a so-called civil rights rally, exactly what kind of assholes support me?

More Decoders:

• Barack Obama discusses the importance of fatherhood.
• Glenn Beck claims he may lose his sight in a year.
• BP CEO Tony Hayward murders an ocean.
• Ted Nugent praises the Tea Party.
• Rand Paul defends his ludicrous positions.
• Thomas Sowell compares Obama to Hitler.
• Republicans defend Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.
• Sharron Angle decries cocaine research on monkeys.
• President Obama criticized for appearing on The View.
• John Boehner is a lying bag of horsecrap.
• Larry King interviews Lady Gaga, world nearly ends.
• Eric Massa really, really loves tickling.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discusses nuclear progress in Iran.
• Jon Voight shares his enlightened positions.
• Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly speak about the importance of prayer.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck insults Erin Andrews.
• Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity talk about Arizona’s immigration law.
• Rachel Maddow interviews Rand Paul.
• Rep. Mark Souder resigns in disgrace.
• Linda McMahon thinks she should be a Senator.
• Newt Gingrich pretends he’s running for President.
• Read all the Decoders.