2010

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The late David Foster Wallace has seven articles on Kelly's Top 100 list. (Image by Steve Rhodes.)

All-around brilliant guy Kevin Kelly is trying to decide which (English-language) magazine articles are the greatest ever. He’s come up with a list of 100 suggestions for the best and is asking readers to suggest their own and vote for their faves. Titles below are the leaders thus far. View the whole list.

David Foster Wallace, “Federer As Religious Experience.” The New York Times, Play Magazine, August 20, 2006.

David Foster Wallace, “Consider the Lobster.” Gourmet, Aug 2004.

Neal Stephenson, “Mother Earth, Mother Board: Wiring the Planet.” Wired, December 1996. On laying trans-oceanic fiber optic cable.

Gay Talese, “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold.” Esquire, April 1966.

Ron Rosenbaum, “Secrets of the Little Blue Box.” Esquire, October 1971. The first and best account of telephone hackers, more amazing than you might believe.

Jon Krakauer, “Death of an Innocent: How Christopher McCandless Lost His Way in the Wilds.” Outside, January 1993. Article that became Into the Wild.

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President Barack Obama: I hope Sherri liked me. (Image by Steve Jurvetson)

Sarah Palin tweet: President w/no time to visit porous US/Mexican border to offer help to those risking life to secure us, but lotso’ time to chat on The View?

Decoder: I was Alaska Governor w/no time to finish my only term in office ’cause I needed lotso’ time to make money as loudmouth media celebrity. #uselesssackofcrap

Rush Limbaugh: Obama is trying to get his numbers up. Obama is out there. He’s going to tape an appearance on The View. A lot of Democrats say, “This is not dignified. You’re not dignifying the office of the Presidency.” The dirty little secret is that for every day Obama is in that office, he denigrates it. He becomes less and less Presidential with each passing day.

Decoder: I know that Obama has done nothing to denigrate the office. People can agree or disagree with his policies, but he’s a classy guy who’s carried himself well as President. Now I would have a case if he behaved like I do. I was helplessly addicted to QxyContin and detained for several hours of questioning by authorities after returning from a trip to the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra that didn’t have my name on the prescription.

Rush: Kneepads and dildos available for overnight shipping.

Rush Limbaugh: I followed through, by the way, and sent some kneepads to Maude Behar by FedEx. She ought to get ‘em today in advance of the taping of the show tomorrow.

Decoder: I’m a man who owns kneepads. I have many pairs and can spare a few.

Michelle Malkin: It’s telling that he goes to cry on the shoulders of the sympathetic women of The View.

Decoder: Why did I never criticize Bush for doing interviews with friendly Fox News? Also: I don’t seem to have a problem with The View when I go on that show to promote my books. Maybe I’m just another weirdo opportunist.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell: I think the President should be accessible, should answer questions that aren’t pre-screened, but I think there should be a little bit of dignity to the Presidency. I wouldn’t put him on Jerry Springer, too, right?

Decoder: I’m the great media analyst who praised Fox News for its objectivity during the 2008 Presidential election.

Fox News: It’s the one hundredth anniversary of the Boy Scouts, but instead of honoring the future leaders of our country, President Obama sat down with the ladies of The View.

Decoder: Obama sent a videotaped message to the Boy Scout Jamboree instead of attending in person, just as W. did in the summer of 2001.

More Decoders:

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Robert Morley gives one of his trademark brilliant supporting turns opposite Humphrey Bogart.

Not just content to be a huge flop at the box office, John Huston’s quasi-farce Beat the Devil was the kind of huge flop that annoyed people. That’s because the screenplay, which Huston co-wrote with Truman Capote, played with the conventions of genre film at a time when you didn’t do that sort of thing, especially with a huge, bankable star like Humphrey Bogart. The way the film plays with form might seem subtle today, but it was jarring in 1953.

Billy Dannreuther (Bogart) is a grifter with a heart of gold, hoping to strike it rich with a dubious land deal in Africa. He’s briefly stranded in Italy with his eccentric wife (Gina Lollobrigida) and a quartet of cutthroat rogues. Before he and his crew can find a sober ship captain to take them on their voyage, Billy becomes acquainted with a charming British couple (Jennifer Jones and Edward Underdown), who may or may not be landed gentry. The seemingly innocent pair complicate Dannreuther’s life in ways he can’t anticipate.

Huston and company aren’t shy about letting you know that the plot–something about acquiring acreage rich with uranium–isn’t exactly their greatest concern. The director would rather focus on sharp dialogue and comic turns from his amazing supporting cast (Robert Morley, Peter Lorre, Ivor Bernard, Marco Tulli), who are hilariously pathetic even at their most menacing. Beat the Devil isn’t a great film, but it’s an interesting one to see because it’s the prototype of the kind of movie that the Coen brothers would ultimately perfect. (Available through Netflix and other outlets.)

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This video, which was made in 1898 by Thomas Edison’s film company, shows an Arab-American street urchin doing a proto-breakdance. He’s pretty great.

 

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According to this Q&A, Mailer never interviewed Gary Gilmore for "The Executioner's Song." He worked from Schiller's extensive interviews. (Image from MDCarchives.)

For someone so accomplished, Lawrence Schiller isn’t exactly a household name. A photographer, a filmmaker, a writer and an interviewer extraordinaire, Schiller has been a Playboy shutterbug, an Oscar winner in the Documentary category, a collaborator with Norman Mailer and other literary lights and an author of books about O.J. and JonBenet. The Believer‘s Suzanne Snider has outdone herself with an outstanding interview with Schiller. You should read the whole thing, but I present you with an excerpt about how Schiller became an acclaimed photographer at a young age:

The Believer: But then you became a photographer….

Lawrence Schiller: But that was because I couldn’t read. I grew up not knowing I was very seriously dyslexic (I grew out of it a little bit). I was unable to read properly as a young child. I was unable to read at all. I ran away from classes because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. At the same time, my father was in the retail end of selling sporting goods, appliances, and cameras. He was a portrait photographer prior to that, during World War II. So about the tenth grade, he gave me an East German camera called an Exakta.

Exakta camera. (Image by Rama.)

My brother and I were accomplished tennis players at a very young age (I was skinny at the time). When my brother beat me in the eleven-and-unders, I gave up sports (he went on to be a nationally ranked tennis player). I went toward photography, and I became an accomplished sports photographer at a very young age.

I was self-taught. By the age of fourteen I had won second, third, fourth, and fifth in the national Graflex Awards, which allowed me to work in summer of eleventh grade with Andy Lopez of the Acme News Service.

I took some pictures at the death march of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg from Union Square to Knickerbocker Village and I started to publish at a young age through high school and college.… I started to get a big head and a very big ego. I hid my age from all the big magazines around the world. Jacob Deschin, a writer for the New York Times, called me a “pro at sixteen,” when I was still in high school. By the time I graduated from college I won the National Press Photographers Picture of the Year award.

The Believer: What was the photograph?

Lawrence Schiller: It was Nixon losing to Kennedy with a teardrop in his wife’s eye. I never considered myself a good photographer. I still don’t. I thought of myself as a hard worker. My camera was a sponge and I had an instinct that athletes have—anticipation. Photography really represents an enormous amount of anticipation—understanding what might be there the next moment and being prepared for it.”

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Not completely evil. More like mid-evil.

Mid evil sword 3 foot – $50 (NYC)

Comes with holster , 3 foot steel sword. No dents or scratches. very sharp.

More Craigslist ads:

I only steal what I need. (Image by Stougard.)

You think monkey-related theft is bad today? You should have been alive in 1895–that was the golden age of monkey robbers! I came across this article, which is subtitled “An Organ Grinder Accused of Teaching His Assistants Bad Habits,” in the April 19, 1895 issue of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. An excerpt:

“Joseph Lavico, an Italian organ grinder, was sent to jail for twenty-five days by Justice Harriman in the Gates avenue police court this morning on a charge of exhibiting a monkey without a permit. This was the technical charge, but Officer Brockman who arrested Lavico expressed his belief that the monkey had been trained to steal by its owner. A number of people have complained to the police that after Lavico’s monkey had visited their apartments they have missed small articles of jewelry and never found them again. When sentence was pronounced Lavico wanted to compromise the case by giving the monkey to Justice Harriman, but without success.”

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    Linda McMahon: A pantsuit doesn't make you Hillary.

    Linda McMahon: It’s time to shake things up. It’s time for something different.

    Decoder: You notice I said it’s time for Connecticut to try something different, not something better? I’m definitely not better.

    Linda McMahon: I was the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, a soap opera that entertains millions every week. That isn’t real.

    Decoder: I repeatedly refer to my wrestling company as a soap opera because I want to downplay the very real and horrible consequences that my employees have repeatedly faced. In order to have a hugely muscular appearance, deal with injuries and maintain a grueling travel schedule, many wrestlers who work for me have had to rely on a cocktail of steroids, HGH, pain killers and other narcotics. And repeated head injuries have led many of these workers to likely incur brain damage. These systemic problems have caused a large number of my employees to die in their 20s, 30s and 40s. That is real.

    Linda McMahon: I think it’s unfortunate that someone who’s in public office, like Richard Blumenthal, would have had so many instances in the course of his career to be misleading to the people he represents.  To have had sort of a pattern of deception over a period of time I think is reflective of character.

    Decoder: Richard Blumenthal overstating his military record is unfortunate, but it’s a joke for someone with my long history of disgraceful behavior to question anyone else’s character.

    WWE wrestler Eddie Fatu might have voted for Linda McMahon, if he hadn't died recently at age 36. (Image by Justin Moody.)

    Linda McMahon: Offshore oil drilling will create jobs and increase energy supply without cost to the taxpayer. Burdensome regulations can inhibit growth.

    Decoder: BP has created many jobs in the Gulf. Unfortunately, they are jobs cleaning up an environmental disaster that was abetted by deregulation.

    Linda McMahon: One of the things missing today in some of our leaders is real-life experiences.

    Decoder: I have a lot of experience putting racist and sexist stereotypes on TV and attending the funerals of my young employees.

    Linda McMahon: Connecticut families are losing jobs because of Washington spending money we don’t have.

    Decoder: Job losses were caused by the deregulation of the financial industry, which led to our financial collapse. Deficit spending in Washington on the stimulus package has created some jobs.

    Linda McMahon: It’s time to pass a balanced budget amendment to reign in that spending long term.

    Decoder: An amendment requiring a balanced budget sounds good to worried voters, but it’s unrealistic and can even be injurious to the economy. I know as little about economics as I do about keeping my employees alive.

    More Decoders:

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    Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov: First Lebron reject me, now this. (Image by Андрей Романенко.)

    With just a few days remaining in July, Russia, which has been Afflictor’s number one foreign visitor for seventh months running, is languishing in tenth place. Only a furious end-of-the-month rally will keep the former superpower from being trounced as badly as it was during the Cold War. Land of smog and murdered journalists, Russia has long been run by narcissistic thug Vladimir Putin and his hand-picked young ward Dmitry Medvedev. Perhaps that dynamic duo can take a break from kissing evil dictator Kim Jong-il’s ass long enough to marshal their people and win the July traffic race. It won’t make up for losing the space race, but it’s something.

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    Sharon Tate in "Eye of the Devil."

    It was in 1968, though it seems a million lifetimes ago that Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate wed in London. He dressed in mod fashion and she in a wedding dress miniskirt. Michael Caine, Candice Bergen and Joan Collins were guests. It was the year before Tate was murdered in Los Angeles by the Manson family and about a decade before Polanski’s fall from grace. British Pathé was on the scene to make a newsreel about the nuptials. View it here.

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    To the side of the title: "OUR PRICE 30c CHEAP"

    As a child, I pretty much learned how to read with the aid of flash cards and backdated copies of Mad magazine. I never liked superhero comics (which have probably aged a lot better than Mad‘s generation gap humor), but I always enjoyed Don Martin, Mort Drucker and the usual gang of idiots. I recently got my bent, bony fingers on a copy of the March 1966 issue, which was something of a letdown.

    On the cover of this 48-page issue, the magazine’s gap-toothed mascot Alfred E. Neuman (who was based on this old postcard) sits at a classroom desk reading a copy of Mad, which hides a book of Shakespearean plays inside. Most of the issue, apart from the aforementioned Don Martin cartoons, is pretty lame. There are pieces spoofing the suburbs, shopping and what TV would look like when youth culture completely took over. And there are plenty of dated references to teenagers with long hair and transistor radios.

    Maybe Mad was too topical to still seem funny outside if its historical context or perhaps this was just a lousy issue, but the magazine was genuinely revolutionary in what was a satirical wasteland in a very uptight America when it started publishing in 1952. Here’s an excerpt from the spoof called “Why the Suburbs?”:

    “‘Why do people move to the suburbs?’ you ask.
    ‘We do it for our children!’ the parents answer.
    That’s why they buy a big $50,000 house–
    Because what child could possibly be happy in less!
    That’s why we join an exclusive Country Club–
    Which doesn’t allow dogs or children!
    That’s why they hire gardeners to fix the lawn
    So it looks pretty–
    Too pretty for children to play on!
    That’s why they build finished basements–
    So the children can’t play there either
    Because they might scratch the fancy bar
    Or scuff the grownups’ pool table!
    Isn’t it wonderful to be a child in the suburbs?
    Think about all the poor children in the slums,
    They live in such terrible homes
    That they can sit in the living room
    Any time they want!”

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    William Faulkner: "And the Madam had literary aspirations and the three of us would sit in the courtyard and she would supply the whiskey..." (Image by Carl Van Vechten.)

    In 1957-58, William Faulkner was the University of Virginia’s first writer-in-residence. The University has done a great thing by putting its many hours of Faulkner audio archives online. You can listen to entire lectures or search for pieces of audio by keyword. Once you start playing around with it, time slips away.

    In one segment, Faulkner describes the unusual events that led to his first novel being published. It seems like it could be partly a tall tale, but who knows? (Oddly, it’s not the first time this site has mentioned Faulkner and brothels in a post.) A transcript of his amusing story:

    “I was running a launch for a New Orleans bootlegger then down across Pontratrain down Industrial Canal into the Gulf to an island where we would pick up the sugar cane alcohol that came up from the Caribbean and bring that back to his kitchen and he would turn it  into scotch and gin and bourbon, whatever he wanted.

    Sherwood Anderson in Central Park in NYC in 1939. (Image by Carl Van Vechten.)

    I met Sherwood Anderson who lived in New Orleans at the time and I liked him very much just as you meet a man and you know that you’ll get along with him. We would meet in afternoons and sit in parks and he would talk and I would listen. We would meet again in the evening and go to a well-known, very elegant brothel then. And the Madam had literary aspirations and the three of us would sit in the courtyard and she would supply the whiskey and we would drink and he would talk and she would talk and I would listen. And the next morning I went to see him. He was in seclusion working.

    That would go on day after day, afternoons and evenings, he would sit over whiskey and talk and I would listen. I thought that if that was the life it took to be a writer that was the life for me. And so I wrote my first book and when I finished, Mr. Anderson said, ‘I’ll make a trade with you. If I don’t have to read it, I’ll tell my publisher to take it.’ So I said ‘done’ and he told his publisher to take it.”

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    "I don't want to ruin 1500 lives." (Image by Elektromann.)

    1500 live ladybugs, accidently bought while drunk, feels bad. (park slope)

    So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on thanksgiving a friend and i decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now they’re sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If i set them free they’ll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they’ll die.

    So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animals to feed them to it’d be awesome. I don’t want to ruin 1500 lives.

    Email me and tell me what your’e gonna do with them, and if you can come pick them up. And they’re yours.

      Floatplanes stand in the midst of King Salmon's natural beauty. (Image by Charlie Kindel.)

      Paul Rockwood Jr. and Nadia Rockwood were essential parts of their rural community in King Salmon, Alaska. He was the local weatherman and she was a stay-at-home mom who sang in the local choir and acted in community plays. They were beloved by their neighbors, who were crestfallen when the couple announced they and their four-year-old son were moving to her native England. But before the Rockwoods could leave the state, they were arrested by FBI agents. The pair had secretly been drafting a list of U.S. assassination targets, who they felt were enemies of Islam.

      Their neighbors who adored them were left stunned. The Rockwoods weren’t members of a sleeper cell, pretending to be well-adjusted Americans. They seemed to genuinely enjoy their small-town life but gradually grew a homicidal bent as Paul, who had converted to Islam in the early 2000s, came under the sway of extremist websites. The Los Angles Times has a story about the town in the aftermath of the arrests. An excerpt:

      This week, Paul and Nadia Rockwood pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court in Anchorage to one count of willfully making false statements to the FBI; in Paul Rockwood’s case, it was a statement about domestic terrorism.

      The plea agreements state that Rockwood, 35, had become an adherent of extremist Islam who had prepared a list of assassination targets, including U.S. service members. And, though no plot to carry out the killings was revealed, he had researched methods of execution, including guns and explosives, the agreements say.

      Federal charging papers said his wife, 36, who is five months pregnant with the couple’s second child, lied to investigators when she denied knowing that an envelope she took to Anchorage in April at her husband’s request contained a list of 15 intended targets. (None were in Alaska.) She told FBI agents that she thought the envelope contained a letter or a book. She gave it to an unidentified individual who her husband believed shared his radical beliefs, the FBI said.

      The plea agreements the couple signed said Paul Rockwood converted to Islam in late 2001 or early 2002 while living in Virginia and became a follower of radical U.S.-born Muslim cleric Anwar Awlaki, now believed to be living in Yemen.

      ‘This included a personal conviction that it was his religious responsibility to exact revenge by death on anyone who desecrated Islam,’ his agreement said.

      Here in King Salmon, where the biggest thing is the annual red salmon run–it happens to be the biggest one in the world — this has the air of a poorly written movie.

      ‘If all terrorists were this harmless, we’d all be living in a much less complicated world,’ said Rebecca Hamon, who lived in Camarillo before moving 12 years ago to King Salmon, on the Alaska Peninsula, 280 miles southwest of Anchorage.

      ‘We’ve all been in shock,’ said Mary Swain, who was friends with Nadia and baked the birthday cake for the Rockwoods’ son’s party last year. ‘I mean, kids would go over to her house all the time where she was teaching them ballet. She always went to library time, she went to story time…Her mom would come over here from England and stay with her for a month at a time, and people got to be friends with her too.'”

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      Back during the original Ed McMahon Star Search of the 1980s, aspiring comedian Nick Gomez sent in an audition tape. Luckily, the twisted geniuses at the Found Footage Festival recovered it and saved his comedy stylings for posterity. There is some serious Rupert Pupkin energy going on here.

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      Snooki: The turlet was all the way over there. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

      Something really bad was happening to the environment recently, but then Snooki crapped her pants. She’s the best! It happened either on a boardwalk or in a parking garage–there are conflicting reports. It wasn’t an accident if that’s what you’re thinking. Snooki can control her bowel movements; she just chose not to. Having been rewarded handsomely for sub-literate, antisocial behavior, she feels like she needs to constantly up the ante. And anyhow the bathroom was about 40 feet away, so why not just use her clothes as a toilet and do something to entertain her many fans.

      According to eyewitness accounts, Snooki had downed some booze and a veal parm a few hours earlier and felt she needed to evacuate her intestines, so that she could be light on her feet during a planned broken beer bottle fight with another woman. Despite her diminutive size, Snooki craps like a herd of alpacas. Her thong couldn’t catch the poop, and it oozed out onto the ground. The Smithsonian has called about it; they’d like to acquire the stool and permanently keep it floating in one of the museum’s toilets. It’s just like when they acquired Fonzie’s leather jacket if Fonzie’s leather jacket had been made of feces.

      Only losers use them. (Image by Downtowngal.)

      Everyone has been tweeting about Snooki dropping a deuce in her pants and fans are making a pilgrimage to the Jersey Shore to see it for themselves. The dung has been roped off to protect it from being stolen, but the masses can get close enough so that they can take photos in front of it.

      People who watch her TV show claim to like Snooki, but it’s unlikely they would ever want to trade places with her. It seems they just enjoy laughing at someone who makes them feel superior. But what kind of message does that send to children who might think they can thrive by acting like pigs rather than developing their minds. Democracy can’t survive without an informed citizenry and …oh wait, The Situation just pissed himself! There are conflicting reports, but it happened either on a bar stool or in a bowling alley. He’s the best!

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      Operating pneumatic drill with air tube.

      No one had a brain in his or her head in 1900. How else to explain the story of a Philadelphia boy who was killed after an older boy inflated him with air? In addition to this report of remarkably dumb and bizarre behavior, this story features the word “skylarking,” which long ago passed into disuse. It meant “to frolic.” There must have been a lot more than frolicking going on, however. An excerpt from an article titled “Inflated a Boy with Air,” which ran in the May 9, 1900 edition of Brooklyn Daily Eagle:

      “Jospeh Currier, aged 16 years, who worked in the Cramps’ shipyard under the name of John Frier, was to-day committed to prison on the charge of being partly responsible for the death of Christopher Donnegan, the 13 year old who was pumped full of wind on Monday afternoon. Currier said he was merely skylarking with Donnegan and had no vicious intent.

      Donnegan’s death was due to an unnatural inflation of the body caused by the inhalation of air through a tube attached to a pneumatic drill. Before his death the victim accused Currier and other boys at the shipyard of being the cause of his condition. The coroner is investigating.”

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      As dangerous and destructive as extreme weather is, it’s also a wet dream for photographers looking to take amazing photos. Some of the best such recent images have been collected by the great photo site, The Big Picture. Tornadoes, lightning, hailstones and other of nature’s terrors are seen doing their damage all over the world in the online portfolio titled “Stormy Skies.” I don’t have permission to reprint any of them, but go here to have a look.

      Dane Cook: I didn't make the list, did I? (Image by Lindsey8417.)

      I just read Bill Simmons’ latest Mailbag on ESPN, and he veers off into one of his patented brilliant-idiot tangents about comedy. The sports and pop culture enthusiast offers up a year-by-year list, starting in 1975, of the Funniest Person Alive. The caveat is that he only gives the title to comics who have broken through to the mainstream rather than cult favorites (e.g. Bill Hicks, Mitch Hedberg, etc.). You can have a look at the whole list here (scroll down a little more than halfway in the column to find it). An excerpt of 1975-1985:

      1975: Richard Pryor

      Best stand-up comedian alive (and the most respected). Also crushed his only SNL hosting gig ever with its first legitimately great show and water cooler sketch.

      1976: Chevy Chase

      SNL‘s first breakout star as it became a national phenomenon. He also made the worst move in Funniest Guy history by leaving the show as he was wrapping up his Funniest Guy season. Even The Decision was a better idea.

      1977-78: John Belushi

      Replaced Chase as SNL‘s meal ticket in ’77, then had the single best year in Funny Guy History a year later: starred on SNL (in its biggest year ever, when audiences climbed to more than 30 million per episode); starred in Animal House (the No. 1 comedy of 1978 and a first-ballot Hall of Famer); had the No. 1 album (the Blues Brothers’ first album). No. 1 in TV, movies and music at the same time? I’m almost positive this will never happen again. And also, if you put all the funniest people ever at the funniest points of their lives in one room, I think he’d be the alpha dog thanks to force of personality. So there’s that.

      1979: Robin Williams, Steve Martin (tie)

      Mork and Mindy plus a big stand-up career for Williams; The Jerk plus a best-selling comedy album plus ‘official best SNL host ever’ status for Martin.

      Rodney Dangerfield: If you give me respect, that ruins my act, genius. (Image by Jim Accordino.)

      1980: Rodney Dangerfield

      His breakout year with Caddyshack, killer stand-up, killer Carson appearances, a Grammy-winning comedy album, even a Rolling Stone cover. Our oldest winner.

      1981: Bill Murray

      Carried Stripes one year after Caddyshack. Tough year for comedy with cocaine was ruining nearly everybody at this point.

      1982-84: Eddie Murphy

      The best three-year run anyone has had. Like Bird’s three straight MVPs. And by the way, Beverly Hills Cop is still the No. 1 comedy of all time if you use adjusted gross numbers.

      (Random note: Sam Kinison’s 1984 spot on Dangerfield’s Young Comedians special has to be commemorated in some way. At the time, it was the funniest six minutes that had ever happened, and it could have single-handedly won him the title in almost any other year. It’s also the hardest I have ever laughed without drugs being involved. Sadly, I can’t link to it because of the language and because it crosses about 35 lines of decency. But it’s easily found, if you catch my drift.)

      1985-86: David Letterman

      Went from ‘cult hero’ to ‘established mainstream star,’ ushered in the Ironic Comedy Era, pushed the comedy envelope as far as it could go, and if you want to dig deeper, supplanted Carson as the den father for that generation of up-and-comers and new superstars (Murphy, Leno, Seinfeld, Michael Keaton, Tom Hanks, Howard Stern, etc.) … and, on a personal note, had a bigger influence on me than anyone other than my parents. One of two people I could never meet because I would crumble like a crumb cake. (You can guess the other.)”

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      Afflictor: Helping handsome couples fall asleep on the subway since 2009. (Image by Eric Skiff.)

      Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi: Yuck. (Image by Ricardo Stuckert.)

      July has been by far Afflictor’s best month of traffic, especially abroad. All sorts of people around the world apparently have nothing better to do than waste their time on an idiotic website. With dozens of nations checking in, we’d like to take this opportunity to extend a welcome to recent visitors Italy, Malaysia and Sweden, three countries not powerful enough to cause any real problems. I guess I should give up an especially warm welcome to you, Italy, my ancestral homeland. You know, Italy. It’s the boot-shaped one run by Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, a gross media mogul without a trace of decency. Imagine Joe Francis with nine billion dollars and real political power. Berlusconi has made corruption, conflicts of interest and prostitution central parts of Italian government. Not a surprising performance coming from a guy who labeled Mussolini a “benign dictator.” No wonder my people left. Regardless: Welcome to Afflictor Nation, Italy, Malaysia and Sweden!

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      Glenn Beck: Breathes through his ass. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

      Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.

      Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.

      Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.

      Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.

      Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”

      Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.

      Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…

      Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.

      Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.

      Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.

      Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.

      Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.

      J.C.: That breakfast burrito isn't sitting right, Glenny. (Image by Jack Merridew.)

      Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…

      Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.

      Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.

      Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.

      Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.

      Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.

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      Lang directs 1929's "By Rocket to the Moon."

      In 1972, iconic director Fritz Lang was interviewed by two reporters, Lloyd Chesley and Michael Gould, and confided in them that he had tired of directing movies by the advent of talkies; he wanted to recreate himself as a chemist. A truly disreputable money man dragged him back into the business and gave him the creative freedom to make the chilling classic, M. An excerpt from the interview:

      “Michael Gould: Your themes changed from epic to intimate when you began making sound films.

      Fritz Lang: I got tired from the big films. I didn’t want to make films anymore. I wanted to become a chemist. About this time an independent man—not of very good reputation—wanted me to make a film and I said ‘No, I don’t want to make films anymore.’ And he came and came and came, and finally I said ‘Look, I will make a film, but you will have nothing to say for it. You don’t know what it will be, you have no right to cut it, you only can give the money.’ He said ‘Fine, understood.’ And so I made M.

      We started to write the script and I talked with my wife, Thea von Harbou, and I said ‘What is the most insidious crime?’ We came to the fact of anonymous poison letters. And then one day I said I had another idea—long before this mass murderer, [Peter] Kurten, in the Rhineland. And if I wouldn’t have the agreement for no one to tell me anything, I would never, never have made M. Nobody knew Peter Lorre.”

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      Thanks to the great Kottke.org for pointing me toward this incredibly rare footage of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, sitting for an interview and explaining how and why he created the most famous detective of them all, Sherlock Holmes.

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      Roast beef sandwich and curly fries. (Image by Lenin and McCarthy.)

      VINTAGE Large Orange Arby’s R NEON SIGN w/Transformer – $50 (Stone Ridge)

      This is an original vintage 1970s large orange lower case letter R from an ARBY’S sign. Letter has been wired to a transformer stand and is in excellent working condition. Letter measures approx. 21.5 inches tall X 9 inches wide X 4.5 inches deep. Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions

      Arby’s was founded in Boardman, Ohio in 1964 by Forrest and Leroy Raffel, owners of a restaurant equipment business who believed there was a market opportunity for a fast food franchise based on a food other than hamburgers. The brothers wanted to call their restaurants “Big Tex,” but that name was being used by an Akron business. Instead, they chose the name “Arby’s,” based on R.B., the initials of Raffel Brothers (and the initials for “Roast Beef”).[7]

      The Raffel brothers opened the first new restaurant in Boardman, Ohio, just outside of Youngstown, on July 23, 1964. They initially served only roast beef sandwiches, potato chips and drinks. A year later, the first Arby’s licensee opened a restaurant in Akron, Ohio. The famous Arby’s “hat” was designed by the original signmakers, Peskin Sign Co.[8] (it continues to make signs for Wendy’s/Arby’s Group). Expansion to other states began in 1968, beginning in Pittsburgh (the closest large out-of-state market to Youngstown) and Detroit. The restaurants were initially designed to be more upscale than their hamburger competitors.

      During the 1970s, the expansion of Arby’s took place at a rate of 50 stores per year. During this time it created several menu items, including the Beef ‘n Cheddar, jamocha shakes, curly fries and two signature sauces: Arby’s BBQ sauce and horsey sauce. By 1981 it added chicken along with opening store number 1,000. It became the first restaurant in the fast food industry to offer a complete “lite” menu in 1991 with several sandwiches and salads under 300 calories and ninety four percent fat free.

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