"You will also be asked not to interfere with music unless your choices have been cleared and approved first."

I want to hire a Boyfriend (Upper East Side)

The position only requires certain minor but specific qualities. You must be over 5’8″ tall, know proper grammar and linguistics and know when to keep your mouth shut. I would like said hired boyfriend to have his own dwelling as lodging is not offered with position. The job requires willingness to make tea and fluff pillows for girlfriend when she is not feeling well, as well as reading aloud from girlfriend’s book collection and not touching girlfriend’s photography equipment. You will also be asked not to interfere with music unless your choices have been cleared and approved first. When girlfriend is not sick the job requirements will diminish, you will have time to yourself in either case so please know what to do with such time, girlfriend is willing to meet your parents but will never ask you to meet hers because they are horrible people who are not allowed to speak to hired boyfriend, I will also want you to take walks in the park with me and enjoy frozen yogurt on hot summer nights. Willingness to meet my boss a plus, good looks also help. Health insurance not provided, and a religious streak will render you unable to apply for the job. No heavy drinkers or cigarette smokers, compensation for services depends on experience and will be discussed upon request.

'Intended for medical research only."

Human skeleton – $2500 (westchester)

Natural Human Bone Skeleton in excellent condition – stands apx 4’9″ tall. Fully articulated. Her only defect is a right hand missing.

Everything else is in great condition. It has a stamp that reads “Clay Adams Parsippany, NJ.”

This item is intended for medical research only.

"...and the young kid who looks like Jesus Christ."

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY (PATHMARK SI NY)

Usually I buy low salt cold cuts here as not every place has them and I figure they serve a lot of people so the product is fresh. So I walk over and and wait, watching 3 deli employees including the Manager, who has his face hanging up on the wall. He is asking this “Tony” thing to go over and wait on me. It squawks and takes its sweet time.I ‘m standing there and decide there are other places that must want my money and walk away. As i am walking to check out my other items the manager sends another deli person over and says that the manager will personally take care of me. I refuse. I’m done with the attitudes of the Pathmark Deli people. The little brunette who can’t be nice even if you treat her like gold, the blonde who constantly walks away from her post, the older woman who goes in 2 speeds, stop and reverse. I feel the only people who care are the asian kid the older lady with a ponytail and glasses and the young kid who looks like Jesus Christ. My $ 10 dollars a week in deli just went to someone else, Thanks Tony/Toni.

I always hear how Pathmark is on the verge of going under… Can’t understand why?

"No urine, vomit, or feces stains (human, canine, or feline)." (Image by Idlir Fida.)

We Need a Couch!!! – $50 (Red Hook to Catskill)

My wife and I need a couch to furnish our new home. We are willing to pay, just nothing more than $100.

I don’t mean to be picky, but please: No urine, vomit, or feces stains (human, canine, or feline). No funky smell. No broken piles of junk that you need hauled away. I don’t think this seems unreasonable.

I just need a decent couch that isn’t contaminated, diseased, or dilapidated.

Barefoot on Graham Ave. (Graham Ave.)

So last night around 10PM, this dark-haired girl decides to stroll down Graham Ave. barefoot, carrying her shoes to the subway, where she puts them on. Because, you know, it’s filthy down there. 

"Girlks."

I want the car that goes 400 mph

My room mate says there is a car that can go over 400 mph and faster. That is crazy because the New York State speed limit is at most 60mph. My roomy says this super car can within most trauma from collisons. Is such a car real? If so. I want one. The girlks I could get with this…. 

"Don't overlook women of a certain age."

old men & young women (A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT)

Men: 

I think you’re delusional. 

Men well in their 50s who want to date 35 year old women. Crazy

I get that they want some young fleshpot, but for a LTR? Totally weird. 
What do they think will happen when young miss thing hits her midlife 
crisis and wants to dump your wrinkled ass? Where are you then?
Half your assets gone and NO DATE. 

You’ll have to have a nice tub of butter to hang onto miss cutiepie then. 

Don’t overlook women of a certain age…. I hated sex with my husband,
but now I’ve it going on, now that I’m not listening to the constant wining. 

So boys… don’t overlook your peers….

Just sayin’…. 

"What is wrong with her ?" (Image by Pattymooney.)

The odd behavior of the massage therapist.

I was in a car accident a few months ago. As part of the post-operative rehabilitation, my doctor refereed me to a chiropractor. Part of the treatment I am receiving is massage therapy. The therapists are professional, pleasant and friendly.We would speak briefly about innocuous things. 

There is one girl that likes to ask indirect, information seeking questions. One day my phone fell put of my pocket onto the table,I was almost out to the parking lot when I discovered it missing. When i went back into the room to look for it, there she was scrolling through my phone! She said that she has one like it and she was checking to see if mine had the same features. I chuckled and said “I did not think that anyone under forty still had one of these old razor phones.” and I left it at that. I thought to myself “damn what a nosy little bitch.” 

On Tuesday one of the office staff photocopied something for me and put it in an envelope. I did not want it to get crushed in my pocket, so when I went in the room, I put it on top of the closet. After the session with the same girl, I forgot the envelope and returned for it a few minutes later. She was standing there holding the sheet I had been lying on up to her face with her eyes closed. Her eyes flew open and her face turned red when she saw me. I pretended not to notice anything unusual and said “I forgot the envelope” and retrieved it from the top of the closet.

I am not so conceited as to think that such an attractive young girl would be enamored of an overweight 44 year old guy with daughters her age. I am both amused and curious as I wonder, what is wrong with her ? 

"I find him attractive too...but frail!"

My 90 year old neighbor just called me a dish

My neighbor was widowed recently after 64 years of marriage and professed to being very lonely. I never knew his wife since I am considerably younger than his 90 years (58). We have been sharing a bottle of wine a couple of times a week and I have felt that his obvious infatuation was natural and healthy and healing. Thing is, I find him attractive too…but frail! Tonight, he tells me that I’m a “dish” and he’s horny. What should I do? I’m horny too. Should I demand a visit to his physician to make sure that he is physically able to have sex or should I just figure, “what the hell, he’ll die happy?”

I am single and without a lover at the moment. I like sex. But, as a boomer, will my openess freak this guy out? He wants to drive me home! Did I mention that I live next door? OK, country properties, so it’s a 100 yard trek but I’m not used to such gallantry!

I am interested in thoughtful comments and thank you all for considering the situation.

 ••••••••••

More posts mocking Larry King for no good reason:

• Larry King talking into a breadstick at the Olive Garden.

• Decoding Larry King’s interview with Lady Gaga.

"Can anyone help a poor soul with a kilt in a large size?"

Kilt wanted (Harlem / Morningside)

Can anyone help a poor soul with a kilt in a large size? I don’t know what size I would actually wear cause I never had, nor, wore a kilt

But dreamed of owning one, however I cannot afford $400. for one. I wear 34″ w L. Please help! Thank you.

"I was a victim of a bunch of things and murders that happened."

Original Corrupt Letter From The International Criminal Court – $2000000 (Anywhere)

I had the International Criminal Court open up a case on my behalf against the United States of America in September of 2007. Through out the course of 2008 someone from the International Criminal Court entered my residence without my knowledge and changed my letter. The date was also changed on the letter from September 23, to October 1st. I was a victim of a bunch of things and murders that happened. I’m interested in selling this letter the French translation page and the English translation page separately to 2 different buyers. That way the letter will be more valuable. I’m looking for offers of $2million dollars and higher per letter.

tattoo wanted (queens)

vampire tattoo small maybe on my arm,willing to pay something but not alot.

"I can't pay pigloads of dosh for one."

Anyone want to sell me a decent starter ukulele?

Hey, I’m looking for a decent, workable ukulele suitable for a beginner. I do genuinely want to learn, rather than plonk around randomly on it when bored and/or drunk. I can’t pay pigloads of dosh for one – maybe up to $75?

One thing I will say is that I’d rather not get one that’s pink or that has flower decals or any of that nonsense on it.