Ideas and technology and politics and journalism and history and humor and some other stuff.
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10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
This week, one set of guardians proved popular…
…and another not so much.
Hooray!
Should I quit doing this blog when I get to 10,000?
Have you just about had enough?
Jonas Salk’s fourth cousin inventing a cure for polo.
Die, you dreaded disease!
Has anyone seen Chestnut?
Nuns assassinating President McKinley 2.0.
We believe in a vengeful God.
No, not again!
A second circumcision.
But I already had it done.
I come for the rest of it, sonny boy.
Abortions performed in the greenroom at Chelsea Lately.
Bye, embryos.
But my sister and I are already born.
Auto-correct changing I need a tetanus shot to I need a tennis shot.
Return my volley.
That moment in a criminal trial when the prostitution rests.
My vagina needs a nap.
Objection, your honor. I have a huge boner.
Sustained. I could use a piece myself.
Okay, but then I’m closing the store for the evening.
I’m on trial for murder. Please stop focusing on whores.
You’re murdering our good time. I find you guilty.
Starving children reciting Twitter complaints about Hollywood casting.
Extremely disappointed in the casting of Fifty Shades of Grey. They couldn’t find 2 better looking people to play Christian & Anastasia? Eww.
Ben Affleck as Batman?! Just when you thought that film wasn’t going to be a big enough disaster.
Colonel Sanders directing a chicken porno.
That’s it. Keep going.
The Wendy’s girl being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
But I’m only morbidly obese on the inside.
Just to be safe, let’s take both her legs.
Noted male impersonator Rosie Charles being sexually harassed.
Europe and the U.S. are imposing sanctions and you say…
How big is your strap-on? This big?
I’m not telling you.
But it’s longer than this pen, right?
I will not respond.
So big it hits you in the eye when you go jogging?
Lemonade stands raising money for right-wing extremism.
Immigrants aren’t like you and I.
Mother will never disobey Father that way again.
I should call that nice man from the John Birch Society.
I think I murdered that social worker.
Just made a fresh pitcher.
A Beatles reunion, in 2014.
Watch out, Ringo…TRUCK!
Sewer rats haggling over the price of a blowjob.
Nine dollars for the both of you.
We’ll give you six.
Take your pants off, boys.
So i came home from work, laid down on couch and pushed out 3 small farts, said excuse me and my wife called me disgusting.
She got up out of her seat after dinner and farted in the kitchen.
I called that classless because it’s the kitchen.
She said she couldn’t control it.
What bullshit.
Satan getting a blowjob and ejaculating fire.
Hope I didn’t burn your face.
A dictator’s twisted sexual past.
No, I have no idea why I have chlorine and dog semen in my lungs.
You’re looking lovely, Mr. Butterscotch. Why don’t you join me in the pool?
A rare moment of candor from Jimmy Fallon.
I hate entertaining your fat, stupid American faces so much that after each show I drink gasoline from a bedpan and penetrate prostitutes dressed like Nazi prison guards.
I am ready for your cock, Herr Fallon.
A coven of witches, binge-watching Steven Seagal movies.
Let’s watch Half Past Dead first. That one has Ja Rule and Nia Peeples.
My acting causes ball cancer.
A tiny pimp turning out his grandmother.
That trick made me oatmeal this morning.
Eight dollars for a half and half. Ten if it’s bareback.
Rick Perry having a horrible accident while shaving his pubes.
If I’m gonna be elected President in 2016, I’ll need to be smooth.
Ouch!
Damn, I took out a big chunk.
Well, I ain’t gonna waste it.
A giant tub of popcorn taking a dump.
Did the popcorn just drop a deuce?
That breakfast burrito wasn’t sitting right.
SAMPLE:
“Didn’t I tell you that these cars had to be finished and out of the shop by this morning?” screamed Dean. The entire shop cowered as he walked in and began screaming.
“What are you low lives doing around here? Oh, I bet I know, are you all gawking at my wife? Anybody want to take a try at getting her? She’s such a whore I bet you she’ll actually let you!!”
“I know why you’re all distracted, look at what you’re wearing today?” He grabbed Mary Jane by the arm, pulling her up out of her chair in the front of the office. Her face turned bright red.
“What, Dean? What did I do?”
“What did you do? What did you do? Didn’t I tell you before that your shorts shall be no shorter than the top of your knees? If you bent over in these shorts, everyone in here is going to see the blood from your period, the reason why you couldn’t give YOUR HUSBAND any sex last night. Go change, NOW!!” He screamed. Mary Jane, kept her head low, and went into the back of the office, to find another pair of pants.
Dean was in a nastier mood than usual this morning. This usually happened when he wanted some the night before and got turned down. Mary Jane tried to explain to him that it was that time of the month, and she just wasn’t in the mood, but that didn’t matter. He always forced her to dress and act conservative no matter where they were, or where they were going. Even in the bedroom, he never allowed any sexy nighties even.
He thought that if he allowed her to get them, she could sneak them out and wear them for someone else.•