Jonas Salk’s fourth cousin inventing a cure for polo.
Die, you dreaded disease!
Has anyone seen Chestnut?
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Nuns assassinating President McKinley 2.0.
We believe in a vengeful God.
No, not again!
Abortions performed in the greenroom at Chelsea Lately.
Bye, embryos.
But my sister and I are already born.
Auto-correct changing I need a tetanus shot to I need a tennis shot.
Return my volley.
That moment in a criminal trial when the prostitution rests.
My vagina needs a nap.
Objection, your honor. I have a huge boner.
Sustained. I could use a piece myself.
Okay, but then I’m closing the store for the evening.
I’m on trial for murder. Please stop focusing on whores.
You’re murdering our good time. I find you guilty.
Starving children reciting Twitter complaints about Hollywood casting.
Extremely disappointed in the casting of Fifty Shades of Grey. They couldn’t find 2 better looking people to play Christian & Anastasia? Eww.
Ben Affleck as Batman?! Just when you thought that film wasn’t going to be a big enough disaster.
Colonel Sanders directing a chicken porno.
That’s it. Keep going.
The Wendy’s girl being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
But I’m only morbidly obese on the inside.
Just to be safe, let’s take both her legs.
Noted male impersonator Rosie Charles being sexually harassed.
Europe and the U.S. are imposing sanctions and you say…
How big is your strap-on? This big?
I’m not telling you.
But it’s longer than this pen, right?
I will not respond.
So big it hits you in the eye when you go jogging?
Lemonade stands raising money for right-wing extremism.
Immigrants aren’t like you and I.
Mother will never disobey Father that way again.
I should call that nice man from the John Birch Society.
I think I murdered that social worker.
Just made a fresh pitcher.
Sewer rats haggling over the price of a blowjob.
Nine dollars for the both of you.
We’ll give you six.
Take your pants off, boys.
Satan getting a blowjob and ejaculating fire.
Hope I didn’t burn your face.
A dictator’s twisted sexual past.
No, I have no idea why I have chlorine and dog semen in my lungs.
You’re looking lovely, Mr. Butterscotch. Why don’t you join me in the pool?
A rare moment of candor from Jimmy Fallon.
I hate entertaining your fat, stupid American faces so much that after each show I drink gasoline from a bedpan and penetrate prostitutes dressed like Nazi prison guards.
I am ready for your cock, Herr Fallon.
A coven of witches, binge-watching Steven Seagal movies.
Let’s watch Half Past Dead first. That one has Ja Rule and Nia Peeples.
My acting causes ball cancer.
A tiny pimp turning out his grandmother.
That trick made me oatmeal this morning.
Eight dollars for a half and half. Ten if it’s bareback.
Rick Perry having a horrible accident while shaving his pubes.
If I’m gonna be elected President in 2016, I’ll need to be smooth.
Ouch!
Damn, I took out a big chunk.
Well, I ain’t gonna waste it.
A giant tub of popcorn taking a dump.
Did the popcorn just drop a deuce?
That breakfast burrito wasn’t sitting right.
A garbage strike, in Mussolini’s ass.
Hurry, boys, it’s getting bad down there.
Not even for time-and-a-half and a matching 401k.
That moment when a parent gives up hope for her child.
Did I get green magic marker on my face, Mom?.
A woman in a burqa smiling broadly at Adam Sandler’s antics.
I’m urinating.
A student-teacher relationship at Trump University.
Teach me how to be a job creator just like you, Mr. Trump.
You have to kiss me first.
The Incredible Hulk abandoning his family.
I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes.
But you don’t smoke, Dad.
James Lipton interviewing Sean Penn’s condom.
What is your least favorite word?
Slobodan Milošević reading a Huffington Post headline.
50 Cent Replies ‘OK’ To Request To Pee In Girl’s Mouth
Yes, that way he will not require a toilet.