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Decoder: Ted Nugent Discusses The State Of America On The Sean Hannity Show

July 6, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Ted Nugent: Tough guy who loves guns, requested a draft deferment during Vietnam. (Image by Lenny Francioni.)

Ted Nugent: I’ve been 61 years clean and sober, celebrating the American Dream, simply of being the best that you can be.

Decoder: The best I can be is an immature, miserable jackass. I know, not great, right?

Ted Nugent: Everybody I hang with–the ranchers, the farmers, the cops, the teachers, the plumbers…

Decoder: I’d like to establish my working-class bona fides.

Ted Nugent: …everybody I hang with, they got an alarm clock…

Decoder: Or they’d be late for functions. Although some people have an internal alarm clock. It’s kind of spooky.

Ted Nugent: …they put their heart and soul into being the very best that they can be, they want to be an asset to their families, their neighborhoods, they want to be productive members of society.

Decoder: I’m romanticizing people who agree with me on issues, artificially empowering my arguments. Most people have good and bad sides.

Ted Nugent: And then they see an Administration that is spitting on the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule.

Decoder: Of course, I may be judging this President with some prejudice since in 2007 I said, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun.”

Dr. Martin Luther King: If you own a crossbow, do not quote me. (Image by Dick MeMarsico.)

Ted Nugent: I’m going to quote my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King: “We who engage in non-violent direct action are not the cause of tension but rather bringing to the surface a tension that already exists.”

Decoder: I want to criticize the first African-American President broadly and unfairly, so I’m going to claim Martin Luther King as my hero to preempt any suspicion that I’m motivated by racism. It’s an especially curious move since I’ve been a guest on the pro-white radio program, The Political Cesspool.

Ted Nugent: We, the Tea Partiers, we are the people who are speaking up.

Decoder: We’ve been speaking up ever since an African-American guy got to be President. We were strangely silent about corruption in Washington before then.

Ted Nugent: The government works for us, they’re absolutely out of control. The Tea Party and what you stand for, Sean, and what I stand for is one big “A” word–accountability. That’s our money. At least be honest with us.

Decoder: Except if you’re going to honestly point out that I enjoyed being a 13-year-old boy so much that I stayed there the rest of my life. I can’t handle that kind of honesty.

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Decoder: Comments By Nevada GOP Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle

July 2, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Harry Reid: Nevadans were desperate to vote me out of office. Thanks for saving my ass, GOP.

Sharron Angle: People are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying, “My goodness what can we do to turn this country around?” And I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

Decoder: Since the Second Amendment allows for the right to bear arms, it appears that I’ve just suggested that someone should murder Harry Reid.

Sharron Angle: We have 14% unemployment in the state of Nevada, the highest foreclosure rate in the nation, and the highest rate of bankruptcy in Nevada. That is where people must hold Harry Reid accountable, because Harry Reid doesn’t care about their jobs. He doesn’t care that they are having trouble staying in their homes and that’s why Harry Reid needs to be fired.

Decoder: This might have been the average campaign rhetoric if I hadn’t also said this: “As your U.S. Senator, I [won’t be] in the business of creating jobs. People ask me what I’m going to do to develop jobs in my state. Well that’s not my job as U.S. Senator.”

Sharron Angle: [I oppose abortion for victims of rape and incest] because I’m a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.

Decoder: Treating victims of horrific sex crimes to moronic platitudes is my idea of Christianity.

Sharron Angle: The separation of church and state is a doctrine meant to protect the church.

Decoder: It’s actually meant to protect that state from religious nuts like me who want to force my idiotic beliefs on others.

Sharron Angle's lemonade stand.

Sharron Angle: [We should bury the nation’s most radioactive waste 90 miles outside of Las Vegas to create jobs] because we need to make lemonade out of lemons.

Decoder: Why won’t anyone ever drink the lemonade I make? It’s so tangy and refreshing. They think it’s radioactive, don’t they?

Sharron Angle: They keep extending unemployment benefits to the point where people are afraid to go out and get a job because the job doesn’t pay as much as the benefit. There are jobs that do exist. We have [created] so much entitlement that we have spoiled our citizenry that they don’t want the jobs that are available. You can make more money on unemployment than you can make by going down and getting one of those jobs that are honest jobs. What we really need to have them do is take those jobs that are entry-level jobs, build up their seniority.

Decoder: When I lose the race for Senator, I am going to go get a minimum-wage job in the fast-food industry. I will gradually work my way up to running the french-fry machine by myself. Even for this, I will be underqualified.

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Decoder: Congressman John Boehner’s Recent Comments To The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

June 30, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

John Boehner: Strange orange hue.

John Boehner: The American people have written off the Democrats. They’re willing to look at us again.

Decoder: They’ve forgotten what complete creeps members of the GOP are. Of course, we’ll remind them almost immediately. And they might eventually recall that I’m the sack of shit who handed out campaign checks from the tobacco industry to Representatives on the House floor who were in the process of deciding whether they should cut a tobacco subsidy.

John Boehner: They’re snuffing out the America that I grew up in.

Decoder: An America where untalented boobs like myself could use connections to profit inordinately from my position.

John Boehner: Right now, we’ve got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history.

Decoder: The Tea Party protests were tiny compared to Civil Rights protests and anti-Vietnam protests, but it sounds good when I say that, and it’s unlikely that journalists will call me on my bullshit.

John Boehner: There’s a political rebellion brewing, and I don’t think we’ve seen anything like it since 1776.

Decoder: Again: idiotic hyperbole from someone who’s full of crap.

Boehner from the neck down. (Image by QuinnHK.)

John Boehner: We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this [Health Care Reform] law never really takes effect.

Decoder: I will do everything in my power to ensure that there is never affordable health care for poor and working-class people. Only a lying bag of horsecrap like me who puts lobbyists before citizens deserves health care.

John Boehner: This [Wall Street reform] is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.

Decoder: An ant that nearly led us into another Great Depression–and still might.

John Boehner: We need to look at the American people and explain to them that we’re broke. If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you’re retired, why are we paying you at a time when we’re broke? We just need to be honest with people.

Decoder: Dismantling Social Security would be almost as great as denying health care coverage. And we need the money for wars I want to support that we don’t necessarily need to wage.

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Sally Field Is Still Having Problems With Her Bones

June 28, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Sally Field: Limping around like Barbaro. (Image by Kristin Dos Santos.)

I know you’re busy with your own lives, but it’s important that you be aware that Sally Field is still having really bad problems with her bones. Boniva, a fine product with the active ingredient, Ibandronic acid, is helping somewhat, but her bones are still all fucked up and hurt her like a bastard most of the time. It isn’t really surprising since for most of her life Field lived on a remote island where calcium was unavailable. Now she’s got shit-bone disease. Her bones don’t have any density and she recently had to give up riding a moped. Her ankles are like potato chips.

Field is even suffering from bone loss. The other day her femur fell out of her left pant leg. It just popped the fuck out and now her ass is lopsided. If you come across Sally Field’s femur lying on the sidewalk, could you do me a big favor and pick it up? Make sure you don’t step on it or use it to play fetch with your dog. It’s really brittle and you’ll crack the motherfucker into tiny pieces. Just throw it in a bag and mail it to California. Those dipshits will get it back to her. Otherwise, she’ll have to continue to cope with slanted-ass syndrome.

Femur: Remember to slap a stamp on it.

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Decoder: Thomas Sowell’s Recent Column Comparing President Obama To Adolf Hitler

June 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

David Soul. No public-domain images of Thomas Sowell are available.

Thomas Sowell: A democracy needs informed citizens if it is to thrive, or ultimately even survive.

Decoder: Of course, informed people will be able to see through my bullshit, so scratch that idea.

Thomas Sowell: In our times, American democracy is being dismantled, piece by piece, before our very eyes by the current administration in Washington, and few people seem to be concerned about it.

Decoder: Few people seem concerned by things going on in my head and not in reality.

Thomas Sowell: Just where in the Constitution of the United States does it say that a President has the authority to extract vast sums of money from a private enterprise and distribute it as he sees fit to whomever he deems worthy of compensation? Nowhere.

Decoder: Just where in the in the Constitution of the United States does it say that a President doesn’t have the authority to talk sternly to a multinational corporation that behaved irresponsibly? Nowhere. BP could have said “no,” but they figured it would be easier this way.

Thomas Sowell: And yet that is precisely what is happening with a $20 billion fund to be provided by BP to compensate people harmed by their oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Decoder: Um, not precisely. “Precisely” means “exactly.”

Thomas Sowell: Our government is supposed to be “a government of laws and not of men.”

Decoder: And people from my party made sure that there were fewer and fewer laws that regulated the oil industry.

Paul Michael Glaser: I played Starsky, the dark-haired one.

Thomas Sowell: But the Constitution says that private property is not to be confiscated by the government without “due process of law.”

Decoder: The private property wasn’t confiscated. If BP had said “no” and the government had taken the $20 billion without consent, that would have been confiscation. That didn’t happen.

Thomas Sowell: Technically, it has not been confiscated by Barack Obama, but that is a distinction without a difference.

Decoder: It’s actually a big difference, but I’ll try to gloss over that with a cliche.

Thomas Sowell: When Franklin D. Roosevelt arbitrarily took the United States off the gold standard, he cited a law passed during the First World War to prevent trading with the country’s wartime enemies. But there was no war when FDR ended the gold standard’s restrictions on the printing of money.

Decoder: I’m awake at night worrying about the gold standard like a nudnik.

(Image by Stephen Foskett.)

Thomas Sowell: At about the same time, during the worldwide Great Depression, the German Reichstag passed a law “for the relief of the German people.” That law gave Hitler dictatorial powers that were used for things going far beyond the relief of the German people–indeed, powers that ultimately brought a rain of destruction down on the German people and on others.

Decoder: Obama talking tough to an incredibly irresponsible oil company will lead to Nazism in America. Or maybe I just see everything in ridiculous extremes like a child.

Thomas Sowell: Those who cannot see beyond the immediate events to the issues of arbitrary power–vs. the rule of law and the preservation of freedom–are the “useful idiots” of our time.

Decoder: By labeling those who disagree with me as “idiots,” I am attempting to peremptorily avoid any debate of my very dubious opinions.

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Decoder: Eliot Spitzer And Kathleen Parker Discuss Their New CNN Show With The Huffington Post

June 24, 2010 in Humor, Misc., Politics | Permalink

The show's working title: "Governor Sexy Socks and the Right Wing Lady Earn a Paycheck for a Little While."

Kathleen Parker: We’re going to be an organic talk show where we sit around the kitchen table.

Decoder: The kitchen is the furthest room from the bedroom, right? I don’t want to be with Spitzer near a bedroom.

Eliot Spitzer: We all agree: BP is bad. That’s the easy part. Then you say OK, so what do you do? How do you actually solve the problem? How do you plug the hole?

Decoder: I shouldn’t have used that “plug the hole” phrase, right? But I’m not known for prudence. Except for that hooker named Prudence.

Eliot Spitzer: There’s still a lot of people who are not watching either [Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann]. So somehow we’re figuring there’s still a little reservoir there, we’ll put our fishing rods in.

Decoder: That also sounded suggestive, didn’t it? Because of the stuff I did with all the whores.

Kathleen Parker: Actually, I think that we complement each other very well, and bring completely different perspectives and life experiences.

Decoder: Most of Spitzer’s experiences involve paying and humping.

And don't forget to watch "Heidi Fleiss 360°" at 10pm. She's no dumber than Greta. (Image by Daniel Dacumos,)

Eliot Spitzer: You put my name [on the show] and people will watch one night. I’m expendable.

Decoder: Just like I was when I was Governor of New York.

Kathleen Parker: I don’t really care if a Democrat or a Republican comes up with the right answer, I just want the one that works. And I think Eliot comes from that same place.

Decoder: He actually just came from a place called Madame Vanessa’s.

Eliot Spitzer: The way I look at it, if you want to be validated in your underlying world view, you go to [O’Reilly and Olbermann] and you feel good and they’re great shows. If you want to see something different, be challenged, be pushed…

Decoder: Or be choked–like a call girl for instance.

Kathleen Parker: [We’ll book people] that we’ve interacted with in our personal lives and our work.

Decoder: Spitzer has already booked Ashley, Summer, Montana, Destiny, Jade, Angel and Candy. Oh, and Kandy.

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Lady Gaga Urinates On Home Plate At Yankee Stadium

June 22, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

Lady Gaga: There was a line at the restroom. (Image by Daniel Åhs Karlsson.)

Worried that someone somewhere in the world wasn’t paying attention only to her, Lady Gaga climbed down from the stands at Sunday’s Yankee game and urinated on home plate just before the start of the sixth inning. Taking off her clothes, grabbing her private parts and making obscene gestures in the luxury boxes for the game’s first two hours helped her make a spectacle of herself, but it wasn’t until she had downed a few large beers that Gaga was ready to unleash the piece de resistance. Imitating the squatting style of the late catcher Elston Howard, the New York-born singer gave the capacity crowd an amazing show.

“Wow, she’s a great entertainer,” said Yankee fan Phil Vacco, 21, of Bay Ridge. “That’s why I live in New York. To see big stars behave like filthy hobos.”

Yogi Berra: I'm sure glad I retired. Home plate smells like pee-pee.

Lady Gaga has enjoyed a meteoric rise over the past year, going from completely unknown to completely boring in record time. Now totally overexposed, she’s burned through Madonna’s whole tired act in a matter of months.

“My fans are everything to me, and I would die for them,” Gaga said, pulling up her torn underwear after she was finished taking a leak.

Then she headed to Monument Park where she set fire to a statue of Lou Gehrig and performed public sex acts with old timer Joe Pepitone.

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Decoder: Recent Comments About Fatherhood By President Barack Obama

June 22, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

President Obama: Just try to be a better dad than Michael Lohan.

President Obama: Our children don’t need us to be superheroes.

Decoder: But perhaps one of you dads is a superhero. For instance, maybe you’re Aquaman. If you are, could you do me a favor and swim to the Gulf of Mexico and stop that fucking oil spill? That would be cool. We’ll make sure your kids are fine until you return.

President Obama: But we also know what too many fathers being absent means.

Decoder: In my case, it meant that I would go to Harvard Law School, become a best-selling author, a Senator and the President of the most powerful country on the planet.

President Obama: [Children] don’t need us to be perfect. They do need us to be present.

Lindsay's doing great. (Image by Toglenn.)

Decoder: Just stand there like a block of wood. Seriously. No one will care. Remember: You’re not a mom, you’re a dad. The bar is set really low.

President Obama: They need us to show up and give it our best shot.

Decoder: I’m not kidding. They know you’re a screw-up. They’ve totally figured out your bullshit. Just go through the motions and that’s enough.

President Obama: We all have to remember being a father is not just an obligation and a responsibility.

Decoder: It’s also a great tax deduction. And it’s an opportunity to have small people bring you beers and help you pick lottery numbers.

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Decoder: Recent Comments By BP CEO Tony Hayward

June 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Tony Hayward: Colin Firth always wanted to play an evil corporate prick.

Tony Hayward: To be sure, neither I nor the company is perfect.

Decoder: BP is responsible for more than 97% of all flagrant violations committed in the refining industry during the past three years. That adds up to 760 serious violations.

Tony Hayward: The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.

Decoder: As of this moment, there is still more water than oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Please hold your applause.

Tony Hayward: I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.

Decoder: But don’t let your children eat seafood or they may turn green. I’m serious. Not even an anchovy.

Tony Hayward: Of course I can [sleep at night].

Decoder: I’m also really good at sleeping on the job.

Tony Hayward: We are unwavering in our commitment to fulfill all our responsibilities.

Decoder: Unless that commitment is going to cost more than we want it to. If that happens, we will be even more lawyered up than usual.

That tuna sandwich tasted sort of funny, Mom.

Tony Hayward: This was a complex accident, caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.

Decoder: I make several million dollars a year for being totally incompetent.

Tony Hayward: I’d like my life back.

Decoder: I am completely oblivious to anything beyond my own selfish existence the same way that I am oblivious that BP getting hundreds of serious violations during my tenure means that I suck at my job.

Tony Hayward: I’m so far unscathed.

Decoder: The last thing anyone cares about is my psyche. They care about the water and the marine life and the people who’ve lost their livelihoods. But I’m such a self-important dickwad that I think that my personal drama somehow ranks as important.

Tony Hayward: No one has actually physically harmed me. They’ve thrown some words at me. But I’m a Brit, so sticks and stones can hurt your bones but words never break them, or whatever the expression is.

Decoder: The expression is: My name is Tony and I’ve just murdered an ocean.

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Minnesota Congressperson Michele Bachmann

June 15, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Michele Bachmann: Won 46% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota in 2008.

Michele Bachmann: People can’t wait until November. They’re practically lining up for polls now. They can’t wait to go out and vote. The only thing is people wish Barack Obama was up for re-election right now, because they’d honestly love to have a chance to throw him out of office.  Everywhere I go, people ask me, “Michele, can we impeach the President?” They want a referendum on him.  I also had someone today say, “There’s no way he’ll run for a second term.  No way.  No one would vote for him.”  I don’t know if the White House understands how the floor has dropped out under support for this President.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings have been equal to or slightly better than Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in his first term.

Michele Bachmann: It’s Barack Obama’s agenda that lit the match on voter discontent today. People have never seen the government take over over 50% of the private economy.  But that’s what’s actually happened over the last 18 months either through direct ownership of private industry or though control of private industry.

Decoder: People aren’t content because there aren’t enough jobs. This line about the government taking over the private economy is never going to be a winner.

Michele Bachmann: The [American people] are really voting for the original foundation block of our Constitution that brought us prosperity.

Decoder: The original foundation of the Constitution allowed for slavery and didn’t permit women to vote. No one with half a brain would want to return to that.

Master says ancient art of karate not to be wasted on angry lady from Minnesota PTA.

Michele Bachmann: I took karate when I was 17 years old. I am dangerous.

Decoder: I am dangerous for many reasons, but none of them have to do with karate.

Michele Bachmann: It’s an infantile response for the President to point blame at BP when the President has given over full authority to BP to deal with and manage the cleanup. If the President wanted to, he could intervene and he clearly hasn’t.

Decoder: I probably should mention that it was infantile for Sarah Palin and the entire Republican National Convention to chant “Drill, Baby, Drill,” but I won’t. I also should note that it wasn’t befitting of adults to deregulate the oil industry the way the GOP has, but I won’t. You know why I won’t mention these things? Because I’m a petty, hypocritical sack of shit.

Michele Bachmann: That’s the elixir of the Tea Party movement. People are telling the truth.

Decoder: Like when we say that Obama wasn’t born in the United States or is a Muslim.

Michele Bachmann: So far, you’d have to say [Obama] is the worst President in United States history.

Decoder: I know nothing about United States history or Presidential history or history in general. I just throw a lot of shit against the wall and hope something sticks.

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada Tea Party Member And GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle

June 11, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim-Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: I feel the same about legalizing alcohol. The effect on society is so great that I’m just not a real proponent of legalizing any drug or encouraging any drug abuse.

Decoder: Yet the thought of me being Senator is enough to make anyone want to get wasted.

Sharron Angle: I’m elected by the people to protect, and I think that law should protect.

Decoder: Although I vilify Obama for universal healthcare, which is aimed at protecting people.

Sharron Angle: There are new people who got into politics after Obama won.

Decoder: Sure, I know, the timing seems funny. A black guy gets to be President and all of a sudden a lot of fringy white people get interested in politics. But it’s completely a coincidence.

Sharron Angle: Right now, we say in a traditional home one parent stays home with the children and the other provides the financial support for that family. That is the acceptable and right thing to do. If we begin to expand that, not only do we dilute the resources that are available, we begin to dilute things like health care, retirement, all the things offered to families that help them be a family.

Oh no, dude! Sharron Angle might get elected Senator! (Image by Dota.)

Decoder: In addition to being completely unrealistic, this statement is aimed at making sure that no families with two working parents will vote for Republicans. We’ve already alienated Latinos, African-Americans and many other groups, but there are still too many people who might vote for the Party. I want to be certain that the GOP has the narrowest base possible, so that we will never win any elections. In this way, we will take back the government.

Sharron Angle: I’ve never been a Sunday only kind of Christian.

Decoder: I’m preachy and annoying 24/7.

Sharron Angle: I’m tired of some people calling me wacky.

Decoder: I’m not tired of being wacky–just of people accurately calling me that.

Sharron Angle: Government is not the answer.

Decoder: And the question is: Where should I be working?

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Decoder: The Recent Op-Ed Piece By Kentucky Senate Candidate Rand Paul

June 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rand Paul: Receives radio transmissions via cavity fillings. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: In the end, all that remains of any of us is our reputation. Mine has been sullied over the past week by lies and innuendo.

Decoder: And by my very real belief that private business owners shouldn’t have to serve people of races or creeds they don’t like.

Rand Paul: Our body politic has enough pragmatists, we need a few idealists.

Decoder: It’s not that pragmatists don’t have ideals; they just consider whether the ideals they have in their heads will be good for people living in reality.

Rand Paul: Segregation ended only after a great and momentous uprising by idealists like Martin Luther King Jr., who provoked weak-kneed politicians to action.

Decoder: Like Martin Luther King, I too have a dream. But mine concerns a giant chicken throwing eggs at my head. I have to stop eating so close to bedtime.

Rand Paul: In 2010, there are battles that need to be fought, and they have nothing to do with race or discrimination, but rather the rights of people to be free from a nanny state.

Decoder: I stay up at night worrying about seat-belt laws like a crazy person.

I sacrifice my young to besmirch you, Rand Paul. (Image by Daniel Postellon.)

Rand Paul: Think about it–this overreach is now extending to mandates about fat and calorie counts in menus. Do we really need the government managing all of these decisions for us?

Decoder: Oh, yeah. We look like fucking pigs.

Rand Paul: Now the media is twisting my small government message, making me out to be a crusader for repeal of the Americans for Disabilities Act and The Fair Housing Act. Again, this is patently untrue. I have simply pointed out areas within these broad federal laws that have financially burdened many smaller businesses. Should a small business in a two-story building have to put in a costly elevator, even if it threatens their economic viability?

Decoder: I would be happy to name a single American small business in a two-story building that was forced to install an elevator and was driven to bankruptcy, but I’m too busy right now dodging eggs thrown by that giant chicken. You’d think he’d eventually run out of eggs, but there are always more eggs. That’s the strange part.

Rand Paul: When I read history I side with abolitionists such as William Lloyd Garrison and Frederick Douglas who fought for 30 years to end slavery and to integrate public transportation in the free North in the 1840s.

Decoder: Of course, if I had really spent time reading Frederick Douglass, I might have spelled his name correctly.

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Decoder: Larry King’s Interview With Lady Gaga

June 3, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Larry King: I should have retired when Jackie Gleason died.

Larry King: We have a Tweeter question for Lady Gaga that was Twitted to us.

Decoder: I think my pocket calculator just exploded.

Lady Gaga: I am good friends with Deepak Chopra who I speak to a lot about my dreams. And he seems to think it’s nothing really to worry about. He tells me that I’m very creative and I should learn to embrace my insanity and not worry so much because I always call him and say, Deepak, I had this most horrible, morbid dream. What does it all mean? And he says you’re just very creative. Put it on stage.

Decoder: Deepak Chopra is getting a new unlisted number.

Lady Gaga: I probably should take a break and go on vacation. But I’d rather die on stage, not under a palm tree.

Decoder: Talking to you, Larry, makes me fixate on death.

Lady Gaga: I hope when I’m dead I’ll be considered an icon.

Decoder: You are like a walking casket, Larry. You fill me with thoughts of mortality. I can see your breath when you speak.

Lady Gaga: Ready to sit shiva for Larry. (Image by Danielåhskarlsson.)

Larry King: Is there any boundary you won’t cross?

Decoder: Would you, for instance, be open to being the fourteenth wife of a desiccated talk-show host?

Lady Gaga: So much of what I do is hinged on show business. I believe so much in it–people ask me, what do you dress like when you’re alone? Do you ever just wear sweatpants or whatever they say. And I’m thinking that they–the concept of show business is lost. Michael Jackson, when he was being wheeled out of the ambulance when he was burned, he held his glitter glove up high above his head to was to his fans, because he was show business.

Decoder: More than anyone else, Michael Jackson needed to throw on some sweatpants and not be a freak for five minutes. He’s a terrible role model for anyone in or out of show business.

Lady Gaga: I’m very religious. I was raised Catholic. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I’m very spiritual. I pray very much.

Decoder: I pray that you won’t touch me with your bony fingers, Larry.

Larry King: Lady Gaga has a special relationship with her fans.

Decoder: My fans, however, have all died from natural causes, as have their children.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Recent Comments About Arizona’s Immigration Law And The Gulf Oil Spill

June 1, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: Spill, baby, spill. (Image by David Shankbone.)

Sarah Palin: We’re all Arizonans now.

Decoder: No wonder why it’s so fucking hot outside today. I was just thinking that it was like an Arizona desert out there. I’m sweating my balls off. I’ve got the ceiling fan going, but I’m probably going to have to turn on the A.C.

Sarah Palin: There has been a great deal of misinformation out there about Arizona’s effort to address the consequences of illegal immigration.

Decoder: I should know since I’ve been spreading a lot of that misinformation. It’s similar to when I claimed that I was the one who put a stop to the “Bridge to Nowhere” when I was Alaska Governor. That was complete bullshit.

Sarah Palin: The rest of the world is watching what’s going on in Arizona.

We're all sweating like Arizonans now. (Image by Tallguy1982.)

Decoder: Malta is fascinated and Andorra is transfixed. Seriously, I will not stop until I have completely marginalized and ruined the Republican Party. And there is seemingly no one in the GOP with the gumption to stand up to blather from me and Glenn Beck the way Obama stood up against the the drumbeat of war prior to the invasion of Iraq. That’s the Republican who could be an architect for rebuilding the party.

Sarah Palin: Government can and must play an appropriate role [in the Gulf oil disaster]. If a company was lax in its prevention practices, it must be held accountable. It is inexcusable for any oil company to not invest in preventative measures. They must be held accountable or the public will forever distrust the industry.

Decoder: Wouldn’t it make more sense if the government regulated the industry beforehand so they we could avoid disasters rather than holding them accountable afterwards? Oh, that’s right. I’ve spent the last couple of years screaming that government must deregulate all industries and labeling anyone who disagrees as a socialist.

Sarah Palin: I repeat the slogan “drill here, drill now” not out of naivete or disregard for the tragic consequences of oil spills….I continue to believe in it because increased domestic oil production will make us a more secure, prosperous, and peaceful nation.

Decoder: Actually, the idiotic slogan I used during the election was “drill, baby, drill.” I am trying to distance myself from that phrase in wake of the Gulf disaster because it makes me sound more foolish than ever. But the word “baby” has never seemed more appropriate.

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle

May 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: A tsunami of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Decoder: Tsunamis are really destructive and kill people and destroy property. Why would anybody vote for conservatives if it would cause them to be dashed against rocks and have their garages knocked down? Next time I will compare conservatism to something pleasant, like Labradoodles or cupcakes.

Sharron Angle: The problems we’re seeing with our children and these shooting incidents–such as at Columbine–psychotropic drugs are linked to them.

Decoder: You know what else is linked to school shootings? Guns. But I can’t be honest about that fact since I’m in the Tea Party. Remember: Psychotropic drugs don’t kill people, people on psychotropic drugs with guns kill people.

Sharron Angle: [My father’s] small business was a motel. And so we did those things as a kid growing up that Americans don’t do. We cleaned bathrooms and made beds and swept floors, did laundry, those kinds of things.

Decoder: Americans are disgusting filthbags with dirty toilets. Hand them a mop and some Top Job.

A Labradoodle of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Sharron Angle: I am the Tea Party.

Decoder: Incoherent, judgemental, hypocritical, whiny and lacking in basic history and self-awareness.

Sharron Angle: My message is what the people want.

Decoder: Except maybe, for example, the part about abolishing Social Security. That might not be so popular with the people, especially in a state like Nevada with such a high percentage of senior citizens. And if any of these seniors have filthy toilets, I may have doubly offended them.

Sharron Angle: I really don’t trust big government. When big government gets in control, we know those great ideas turn out to be something that hits us right in the pocketbook.

Decoder: Like the lower taxes that working-class people have paid under President Obama.

Sharron Angle: These people in the government, at the United States level…should be the least powerful in the nation rather than the most powerful because of the way our founders set up our government.

Decoder: People have much more power with regard to voting rights and representation right now than they did at our nation’s birth. And what the fuck did I mean by “at the United States level” anyhow? Did somebody think I was discussing Iceland?

Sharron Angle: I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong. I don’t think you can get away from that: People make value judgments.

Decoder: Which is unfortunate because the people voting in Nevada might make a value judgement about me, and my values are complete bullshit.

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Decoder: Rand Paul’s Recent Comments On “Rachel Maddow” And Other Venues

May 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rand Paul: Keeps a ham radio in the basement. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: I don’t want to live in a nanny state where people are telling me where I can go. 

Decoder: Especially that British lady on the GPS thing. She pisses me off.

Rand Paul: I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners–I abhor racism, I think it’s a bad business decision to ever exclude anyone from your establishment–but I do believe in private ownership.

Decoder: Seriously, only the douchebag son of Ron Paul, who may be a poltergeist, could revive a 45-year-old debate about racial discrimination at lunch counters. That issue was sort of already decided, and it made the country stronger in every way.

Rand Paul: Even though I was a year old at the time, I like to believe I would have marched with Martin Luther King. 

Decoder: That would have been the slowest fucking march ever. Fucking baby steps all over Selma. 

Rand Paul: These attacks prove one thing for certain: The liberal establishment is desperate to keep leaders like me out of office, and we are sure to hear more wild, dishonest smears during this campaign. 

Decoder: Although everything they’re saying about me is accurate, taken directly from quotes I made about the Civil Rights Act. 

Martin Luther King Jr: Who was that crazy-looking white baby marching with us? (Image by Dick DeMarsico.)

Rand Paul: I think that we should try to do everything we can to allow for people with disabilities and handicaps. And I think when you get to solutions like that, the more local the better, and the more common sense the decisions are, rather than having a federal government make those decisions.

Decoder: The federal government had to make those decisions since local decision makers were often guided by prejudice instead of common sense. 

Rand Paul: What I don’t like from the President’s administration is this sort of, I’ll put my boot heel on the throat of British Petroleum. I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business. 

Decoder: Nothing could be more American than a President standing up to the abuse of people and resources by big business. Just ask Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower. And why exactly am I more worried about BP’s hurt feelings than the disgraceful pollution of the ocean? We can live without an irresponsible oil company, but we can’t live without the ocean.

Rand Paul: It’s difficult to have an intellectual debate in a political sense because what happens is it gets dumbed down to three words.
 
Decoder: The three words: Tea Party jackass.
 
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Decoder: Rep. Mark Souder’s Resignation Speech

May 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rep. Mark Souder: Tiger Woods' new swing coach.

Rep. Mark Souder: I can never thank enough the people who worked so hard and have given me so much.

Decoder: Especially the lady in the abstinence video. She gave me so much.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been an honor to be a part of the battle for the freedom and values we share.

Decoder: Well, the values you share. My penis goes rogue.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been all-consuming for me to do this job well…

Decoder: And even then I wasn’t really very good at it.

Rep. Mark Souder: …especially in a district with costly, competitive elections every two years…

Decoder: Wait a minute. I’m not going to blame my affair on having a busy schedule, am I?

Rep. Mark Souder: …I do not have any sort of normal life…

Decoder: Yeah, I’m going to blame it on the job. Here comes the money shot, so to speak.

Rep. Mark Souder: …for family, for friends, for church, for community.

Decoder: But I sure made time for that mistress.

Rep. Mark Souder: I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff.

Decoder: Why did I mention that she was a part-time member of my staff? That makes it not as bad, somehow?

Rep. Mark Souder: In the poisonous world of Washington D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, twisted for political gain.

Decoder: Well, when a guy who does abstinence videos gets caught having an affair, it does make for good copy. And remember when I called on Sen. Larry Craig to resign for hitting on men in an airport bathroom?

Rep. Mark Souder: I’m sick of politicians who drag their spouses up in front of the camera rather than confronting the problem they caused.

Decoder: Wow, this is a bad time for me to play the self-righteous scold, but I’ve been doing it for so long that I can’t help myself. I have a deep need to feel like some sort of hero, and it will always get me into trouble. 

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Decoder: Sarah Palin And Bill O’Reilly Discuss The National Day Of Prayer Controversy

May 11, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: "Unalienable" right to be loud and stupid. (Image by Tricia Ward.)

Sarah Palin: You can just go to the early documents of our Founding Fathers and see how they crafted a Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. They knew our unalienable rights don’t come from man, they come from God.

Decoder: Perhaps if I had actually read these documents, I would know that it’s “inalienable” rights.

Sarah Palin: I think we should just kind of keep this clean, keep it simple. It’s pretty simple.

Decoder: I’m pretty simple.

Sarah Palin: Go back to what our Founders and founding documents meant–they’re quite clear we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.

Decoder: God must have thought that slavery should be legal and women shouldn’t have the vote. Or maybe those documents were drawn up not by God but by really smart but really fallible men.

Sarah Palin: I have said all along that America is based on Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Decoder: Certainly the Founding Fathers who had Judeo-Christian beliefs were informed by them, but they didn’t think this was a country specifically designed for people with any particular religious beliefs. And the Founders were pretty aware of the dangers of blurring the lines between church and state.

Sarah Palin: It’s ironic that here on National Day of Prayer, there is so much controversy about whether or not we’re a nation built on Judeo-Christian beliefs and whether or not we can even talk about God in the public square.

Deocder: I mostly use the public square to mock community organizers who try to help the poorest people and give them hope. Jesus would have crotch-punched these losers.

Bill O'Reilly: Screamed God's name a lot during phone sex.

Bill O’Reilly: On the National Day of Prayer, you can pray to a tree.

Decoder: God is completely okay with my phone sex habit.

Sarah Palin: Well that new kind of world view that I think is a kind of step toward the fundamental transformation in America that some want to see today it is an attempt to rewrite and revisit history.

Decoder: Like when I tried to rewrite history and claim that I opposed the Bridge to Nowhere project in Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: America has transformed a great deal since 1776 and it’s a much more secular society.

Decoder: That woman who sued me for sexual harrassment said that I bragged about owning a vibrator shaped like a cock.

Sarah Palin: Margaret Thatcher and other foreign leaders think that America is so great and exceptional because we base our laws on God of the Bible, the Old and the New Testament.

Decoder: If I had read the Declaration of Independence, I would know that America doesn’t have to try to impress the British. Also: Making laws based on the Bible would lead to huge amounts of bloodshed and suffering.

Bill O’Reilly: We can only trust in God in our own homes, but we once we got outside, we can’t.

Decoder:  I have a hands-free device so I can talk and masturbate at the same time.

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Decoder: Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Erin Andrews

May 6, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is your most brilliant idea, Barbara. She's like Debbie Matenopolous reborn as a belligerent milkmaid. (Photo by Christopher Peterson.)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: To her credit, [Erin Andrews] wore gorgeous, classic gowns on Dancing with the Stars. But for the past three weeks, she has been wearing like next to nothing.

Decoder: And as someone who got famous for being the bikini girl on Survivor, I know what I’m talking about.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: As inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room, I mean, in some way if I’m him, I’m like, “Man! I just could’ve waited 12 weeks and seen this–a little bit less–without the prison time!”

Decoder: That harlot hath inflamed the menfolk, and she must receive a torrent of stones upon her bosom.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: When we were talking about Erin, even though I must focus on the detestable criminal who’s behind bars and ended up making her life a living hell…

Decoder: I must focus on that detestable criminal now that I’ve gotten into trouble for what I said. But that’s a shame because I really enjoyed focusing on Erin Andrews’ skimpy outfits. It was my first and most honest response.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: …I ended up hurting her so I told [my five-year-old] Grace that “Mommy feels really bad ’cause I hurt somebody.” So I took out her little devotional Mommy always reads that says that “reckless words pierce somebody’s heart like a sword.” I promised [Grace] that I would use my words more mindfully…to build people up, not break them down.

Decoder: All I do is try to break down people who don’t live up to my lofty, irrational standards, because I’m a judgmental, unintelligent little twit who’s living in a bubble.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Thankfully [my daughter who is five] and so cute said, “Mommy, why don’t you just call Erin and tell her you’re sorry?” So I did.

Decoder: Even five-year-olds are brighter than I am.

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Decoder: NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker’s Recent Comments About Possibly Entering New York Politics

May 4, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Jeff Zucker: I'm ready for the Green Car Challenge, Jay.

Jeff Zucker: I do think that there would be a benefit to having people who have run businesses in office–who have a sense of how to how to get something across the finish line, make hard decisions that actually everybody can get behind.

Decoder: During my tenure at Universal, NBC managed to get behind all the other networks as well as the cultural zeitgeist.

Jeff Zucker: I think we just have to get the cynicism behind us [in politics] and we have to get some things accomplished and I think people who can do that would be very helpful and beneficial.

Decoder: And due to delusional arrogance, I actually believe I’m one of those people, despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary.

Jay Leno: Mavis and I both love the affiliates, Jeff.

Jeff Zucker: Well, [running for office] is something that I would certainly look at.

Decoder: Right after I finish looking at Jerry Seinfeld’s fabulous new show The Marriage Ref, which I greenlighted.

Jeff Zucker: [Whether I run for office is] all about the timing.

Decoder: As someone who okayed moving the Tonight Show to the next day, timing is obviously not my strong suit.

Jeff Zucker: [I would run for office] in New York.

Decoder: I will make even the worst New York politicians seem palatable by comparison.

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Decoder: Sean Hannity And Sarah Palin Discuss Arizona’s Immigration Law And Other Matters

April 29, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: Hunted for that fur at Neiman Marcus.

Sean Hannity: Now if protesters actually sat down to read the [Arizona immigration] law they would find that racial profiling is explicitly prohibited.

Decoder: Seems odd then that so many ultraconservatives–Karl Rove among them–think the law is unconstitutional.

Sarah Palin: And shame on the lamestream media again for turning this (Arizona immigration law) into something that it is not.

Decoder: Like when I tried to turn health-care reform into an argument about “death panels.”

Sarah Palin: I wish that our President would stand so strong and proud under one Constitution reminding America that we are all one America. We are all in this together. And instead of dividing, according to demographic or race or gender.

Decoder: I spent most of the Presidential campaign trying to appeal to what I called “the real America,” which was incredibly divisive.

Sarah Palin: We rattle them when we talk to these liberal elites about what it is that most Americans believe in.

Decoder: Oh, and that sounds pretty divisive, too.

Sean Hannity: Equipment manager for the lacrosse team.

Sean Hannity: You know, look, I watched with fascination and almost bewilderment, the attacks on the Tea Party Movement. Look, I’ve experienced a lot of this throughout my career. I — look, I’m on the air four hours a day, I can take it but to attack citizens that are just expressing that they think government is too big, our debt is out of control, and we’re on the wrong path on national security, seems bewildering to me.

Decoder: I am bewildered because I’m ignoring the racist overtones, the violence-laced language and the people comparing Obama to Hitler.

Sarah Palin: Yes, the President is looking for cover to allow him to break yet another campaign promise that he would not increase taxes.

Decoder: Although he actually seems to have stuck to all of his campaign promises so far. And my hero, Ronald Reagan, who explicitly promised “no new taxes,” raised them six times.

Sarah Palin: I’m sick and tired of hearing about Obama and the White House coming out with yet another crisis that has to be fixed by government, sticking it to the people and taking more of what we earn and produce.

Decoder: Middle-class taxes are at near-historic lows.

Sarah Palin: They’re, you know, community organizers. They’ve been spending other people’s money for so long that I think a lot of the free-enterprise principles that so many of us believe in, it’s all foreign to them.

Decoder: I will continue to mock people who help poor communities. I want them to feel a great sense of shame for trying to bring some hope to downtrodden neighborhoods. They deserve abuse from a highly paid celebrity loudmouth like me.

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Decoder: Glenn Beck And Other Speakers At The “Take Back America” Rally In Tyler, Texas

April 26, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Mayor of all the assclowns. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: Do you believe our Constitution was divinely inspired?

Decoder: Oh, you don’t believe that? You think it was written by brilliant but flawed men? That if it was divinely inspired it wouldn’t have allowed for slavery and it wouldn’t have reduced women to second-class citizens?

Glenn Beck: If God is with us, who can possibly stand against us? The answer is no one.

Decoder: But maybe God isn’t with me, in particular. Maybe God has reason to be mad at me. According to Salon, I’m the jackass who mocked a woman’s miscarriage on live radio. I like to blame my poor behavior on my former coke addiction, but maybe I’m just a cruel, cynical prick who wants to collect money and satisfy my massive ego.

Glenn Beck: We must remember who we are. We must remember what brought us here. We must remember what protected us. We must remember these rights do not belong to us–they come from God.

Decoder: I have trouble remembering things because I was a cokehead for many years and my brain is fried.

Glenn Beck: I have no thought of what God has in store for these people, our children, our grandchildren. He just questions you to stand in place and that is our job–to stand where he wants us to stand.

Decoder: But what if he wants us to stand in the river? You know, the one by the sewage plant. That would suck.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: Secessionist jackhole with excellent hair.

Texas Governor Rick Perry: If you care about America, if you care about taking this country back, you find you a Tea Party. Get involved. The Tea Party is an army I’m proud to be in.

Decoder: I really, really want to be President and I think that somehow pandering to the Tea Party will help. It’s another wrong bet in a long career of wrong bets.

Texas State Representative Leo Berman: I believe that Barack Obama is God’s punishment on us today.

Decoder: There is no bigger punishment from God for a racist like me than our country having a brilliant African-American guy as President. I liked the country a lot better before it was a meritocracy.

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Response To Bill Clinton’s Criticism

April 21, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rep. Michele Bachmann: Her head is one of two pointy things in this photo.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton gave a speech and he was talking about the anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing by Tim McVeigh–only Democrats would do this, we don’t celebrate these kinds of things.

Decoder: I’m either suggesting that Bill Clinton was celebrating innocent people being murdered by a domestic terrorist–which would be utter slander–or I’m stating that Republicans don’t care about the survivors of the people who were murdered, which is incredibly stupid. Also: I should probably stop referring to Timothy McVeigh as “Tim.” It makes him sound like a harmlessly mischievous nephew.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton [said] that Michele Bachmann made a statement during the Tea Party rallies that what Barack Obama is doing is “gangster government” and because I’m using a phrase like gangster government, I’m responsible for creating the kind of climate of hate that could lead to another Tim McVeigh and another Oklahoma City Bombing. I’m in my second term as a congresswoman and the former President of the United States decides that I’m important enough to take out.

Decoder: Even when attempting to convince people that I don’t try incite violence, I have to use a phrase like “take out,” which is often synonymous with murder. And Bill Clinton was just suggesting that I tone down my rhetoric, not that he was on a crusade to eliminate me. As usual, I see everything only in extremes.

Michele Bachmann: To the Democrats, violence is when American people want to topple them from positions of political power.

Decoder: Also when “Tim” McVeigh blows up people and buildings.

Michele Bachmann: If only we could hold the election right now this afternoon, President Obama would be out the door so fast.

Decoder: Because he’d be running to the polls to vote. And if I know him at all, he’d probably be voting for himself.

Michele Bachmann: [Obama] wouldn’t make it over the border. There would be border police.

Decoder: Why did I just suggest that Obama would be stopped by border police? Am I insinuating he’s foreign and not a citizen of America? What else could I be saying?

Michele Bachmann: The [Obama Administration] is a gangster government. There are no two ways about it.

Decoder: Well, there are two ways about it, but I’m sticking to the bullshit way.

Michele Bachmann: I’ve decided I’m gonna win [reelection] just to spite [the Democrats].

Decoder: Let others run on the issues. I’m the spite-based candidate.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Comments During April

April 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Intelligence at historically low levels. (Photo by Tricia Ward.)

Sarah Palin: Is this what their “change” is all about? I want to tell ’em, nah, we’ll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion.

Decoder: Because Jesus loved guns, especially assault rifles. He would shoot you in the head and use your skin to fashion a rucksack.

Sarah Palin: How’s that hopey, changey stuff working out?

Decoder: Oh, pretty good? You mean you like middle-class tax cuts, health-care reform, stem-cell research, the Lilly Ledbetter Act and a President who can pronounce the word “nuclear”? I didn’t realize those things would be popular.

Sarah Palin: We need to cut taxes so that our families can keep more of what they earn and produce, and our mom-and-pops, then, our small businesses, can reinvest according to our own priorities, and hire more people and let the private sector grow and thrive and prosper.

Decoder: Middle-class tax rates are near historically low levels.

Sarah Palin: Do you love your freedom?

Decoder: The freedom to ignore me. The freedom to realize that incoherent resentment has no purchase on leadership. The freedom to know that I will never, ever be President because I’m wholly unqualified.

Sarah Palin: Now, the President, with all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer, as a part-time senator, and as a full-time candidate, all that experience, still no accomplishment to date with North Korea and Iran.

Decoder: I love making fun of community organizers. Remember when I stood up at the Republican National Convention and ridiculed Obama for being a 22-year-old who dedicated three years of his life to working for Catholic charities? I want to make sure that young people who want to help others will be ashamed of themselves.

Sarah Palin: Don’t retreat, reload!

Decoder: Freud was really wrong about women having penis envy, except when it comes to me.

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Decoder: Jon Voight’s Letter To President Obama

April 14, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Angelina is starting to seem relatively well-adjusted. (Photo by Kristin Dos Santos.)

Jon Voight: Every loving American for peace and truth and the security of our nation must come out and join the Tea Parties in their states.

Decoder: Or they could stay home and watch the 2004 family comedy Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 on DVD. I play “Kane” and Scott Baio does some of his finest work yet.

Jon Voight: President Obama uses his aggression and arrogance for his own agenda, against the will of the American people when he should be using his will and aggression against our enemies.

Decoder: Al Qaeda and the Taliban might disagree.

Jon Voight: To think that this once great nation will be a third world country.

Decoder: A third-world country with iPads, frappacinos and high-speed internet access.

Jon Voight: Now the lie goes very deep and President Obama has been cleverly trained in the Alinsky method and it would be very important that every American knows what that method is. It is a socialistic, Marxist teaching and with it, little by little, he rapes this nation.

Decoder: Though I might be confusing him with Ben Roethlisberger. I know the charges were dropped, but when two different women have accused you of rape, wow, what’s going on there, Ben?

Jon Voight: The world looked up to us as a symbol of hope and prosperity now wonders what will become of the entire world if America is losing its power.

Decoder: Actually, people around the world have a much higher opinion of America since Obama became President. And applications for citizenship don’t seem to be down.

Jon Voight: The American people who understand exactly what is taking place have come together in the thousands, vowing to try to stay together as a unit of love and freedom for all men and women, from all walks of life.

Decoder: But really only some white people with a shaky grasp of history and the innate ability to blame their problems and insecurities on others.

Jon Voight: The opposition will continue their tactics.

Decoder: Running for office in free elections, thinking they should be able to govern if they get the most votes.

Jon Voight: They will lie and plant their own bullies amongst us.

Decoder: Strangely, those bullies will fit in seamlessly with many actual Tea Party members.

Jon Voight: Let us all stay in God’s light.

Decoder: Though you should remember to wear sunblock and a hat if you’re going to stay in God’s light for longer than 20 minutes. Sure, your body needs to produce Vitamin D, but you don’t want skin cancer, either.

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