Michele Bachmann: Won 46% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota in 2008.

Michele Bachmann: People can’t wait until November. They’re practically lining up for polls now. They can’t wait to go out and vote. The only thing is people wish Barack Obama was up for re-election right now, because they’d honestly love to have a chance to throw him out of office.  Everywhere I go, people ask me, “Michele, can we impeach the President?” They want a referendum on him.  I also had someone today say, “There’s no way he’ll run for a second term.  No way.  No one would vote for him.”  I don’t know if the White House understands how the floor has dropped out under support for this President.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings have been equal to or slightly better than Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in his first term.

Michele Bachmann: It’s Barack Obama’s agenda that lit the match on voter discontent today. People have never seen the government take over over 50% of the private economy.  But that’s what’s actually happened over the last 18 months either through direct ownership of private industry or though control of private industry.

Decoder: People aren’t content because there aren’t enough jobs. This line about the government taking over the private economy is never going to be a winner.

Michele Bachmann: The [American people] are really voting for the original foundation block of our Constitution that brought us prosperity.

Decoder: The original foundation of the Constitution allowed for slavery and didn’t permit women to vote. No one with half a brain would want to return to that.

Master says ancient art of karate not to be wasted on angry lady from Minnesota PTA.

Michele Bachmann: I took karate when I was 17 years old. I am dangerous.

Decoder: I am dangerous for many reasons, but none of them have to do with karate.

Michele Bachmann: It’s an infantile response for the President to point blame at BP when the President has given over full authority to BP to deal with and manage the cleanup. If the President wanted to, he could intervene and he clearly hasn’t.

Decoder: I probably should mention that it was infantile for Sarah Palin and the entire Republican National Convention to chant “Drill, Baby, Drill,” but I won’t. I also should note that it wasn’t befitting of adults to deregulate the oil industry the way the GOP has, but I won’t. You know why I won’t mention these things? Because I’m a petty, hypocritical sack of shit.

Michele Bachmann: That’s the elixir of the Tea Party movement. People are telling the truth.

Decoder: Like when we say that Obama wasn’t born in the United States or is a Muslim.

Michele Bachmann: So far, you’d have to say [Obama] is the worst President in United States history.

Decoder: I know nothing about United States history or Presidential history or history in general. I just throw a lot of shit against the wall and hope something sticks.

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Rep. Michele Bachmann: Her head is one of two pointy things in this photo.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton gave a speech and he was talking about the anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing by Tim McVeigh–only Democrats would do this, we don’t celebrate these kinds of things.

Decoder: I’m either suggesting that Bill Clinton was celebrating innocent people being murdered by a domestic terrorist–which would be utter slander–or I’m stating that Republicans don’t care about the survivors of the people who were murdered, which is incredibly stupid. Also: I should probably stop referring to Timothy McVeigh as “Tim.” It makes him sound like a harmlessly mischievous nephew.

Michele Bachmann: Bill Clinton [said] that Michele Bachmann made a statement during the Tea Party rallies that what Barack Obama is doing is “gangster government” and because I’m using a phrase like gangster government, I’m responsible for creating the kind of climate of hate that could lead to another Tim McVeigh and another Oklahoma City Bombing. I’m in my second term as a congresswoman and the former President of the United States decides that I’m important enough to take out.

Decoder: Even when attempting to convince people that I don’t try incite violence, I have to use a phrase like “take out,” which is often synonymous with murder. And Bill Clinton was just suggesting that I tone down my rhetoric, not that he was on a crusade to eliminate me. As usual, I see everything only in extremes.

Michele Bachmann: To the Democrats, violence is when American people want to topple them from positions of political power.

Decoder: Also when “Tim” McVeigh blows up people and buildings.

Michele Bachmann: If only we could hold the election right now this afternoon, President Obama would be out the door so fast.

Decoder: Because he’d be running to the polls to vote. And if I know him at all, he’d probably be voting for himself.

Michele Bachmann: [Obama] wouldn’t make it over the border. There would be border police.

Decoder: Why did I just suggest that Obama would be stopped by border police? Am I insinuating he’s foreign and not a citizen of America? What else could I be saying?

Michele Bachmann: The [Obama Administration] is a gangster government. There are no two ways about it.

Decoder: Well, there are two ways about it, but I’m sticking to the bullshit way.

Michele Bachmann: I’ve decided I’m gonna win [reelection] just to spite [the Democrats].

Decoder: Let others run on the issues. I’m the spite-based candidate.

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Michele Bachmann: The second professional wrestler to be elected in Minnesota.

Michele Bachmann: This is the most radical President, and the most radical Speaker, and the most radical Senate leader we have ever seen in the history of the country.

Decoder: I know nothing about the history of the country.

Michele Bachmann: I mean, clearly, the country has never gone this far in taking over this much of the private economy. And it is changing the way that we’re doing business in the United States forever.

Decoder: I like to speak in paranoid extremes. It distracts from my inarticulateness and incoherence.

Michele Bachmann: If you look at the approval numbers for President Obama, he’s fallen faster and farther than any previous President in the polling.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings are pretty much even with Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in their first term.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think [the Republicans] are going to have a full bench of great candidates coming into 2012.

Decoder: There’s the resentful lady who can’t pronounce “nuclear,” the human woodblock Bobby Jindal, serial groom Newt Gingrich and bat-shit crazy Ron Paul.

Away from me, you vampiress!

Michele Bachmann: And I don’t know that we fully yet know who our frontrunner will be, although the results that came out yesterday point to Mitt Romney.

Decoder: He’s the one who spearheaded socialized health care in Massachusetts and was pro-choice until it wasn’t politically expedient anymore. But his hair is very Reaganesque.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think part of [the reason I’m a lightning rod] may be because when I talk about what is happening in Washington, D.C., I use the actual statements or comments or the data that Nancy Pelosi or President Obama or Harry Reid refer to.

Decoder: Or it could be because in 2008 I suggested that members of Congress should be investigated to determine if they’re “anti-American.”

Michele Bachmann: I’m really more about making sure that our nation follows our Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence.

Decoder: Unlike my political opponents, who want to tear up the Declaration of Independence and have the British rule America again. Wow, even by my low standards that statement was incredibly stupid.

Michele Bachmann: I see that our nation has strayed.

Decoder: Although I might be confusing our nation with Tiger Woods.

Michele Bachmann: I want to make sure that going forward we get back to our constitutional roots.

Decoder: Which allowed slavery and excluded women from having the vote. Those damned Amendments ruined everything!

I won 47% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota, so I speak for all of America.

Michele Bachmann: On Sunday, on the Sabbath, that was when Speaker Pelosi decided we had to have the [health care] vote.

Decoder: Jesus is probably very pissed off that the day of the Sabbath was used to ensure health care for poor people. He would have stepped on their throats.

Michele Bachmann: Democrats said that they were called the N-word, which of course would be wrong and inappropriate, but no one has any record of it, no witness saw it and it’s not on camera. They said they were spat upon; I walked right through the gauntlet of where they were walking.

Decoder: People who support me didn’t spit at me or insult me, so they couldn’t have done those things to anyone else.

Michele Bachmann: Are you taxed enough already?

Decoder: I don’t mean by my shrill delivery and poor facility with the English language. I was talking about tariffs, silly.

Michele Bachmann: Obama is like a kid in a candy store.

Decoder: He’s like the tall kid in the candy store, trying to buy cigarettes with a fake ID.

Michele Bachmann: If we had a 9% corporate tax, a 0% death tax and a 0% capital gains tax, do you know what we would have?

Decoder: Remarkable inequity. A historical separation between haves and have-nots. No money for basic services.

Michele Bachmann: Federal employees make twice what those of you in the private sector are making.

Decoder: And that’s why I want to eliminate those jobs. They pay well.

Michele Bachmann: One out of five federal employees makes over $100,000 a year.

Decoder: I know because I’m one of them

Michele Bachmann: The Democrats made ridiculous promises about the health care bill.

Decoder: Of course, we made some whoppers, too. Remember death panels and how America would be destroyed if health care passed? That might have been hyperbole.

Michele Bachmann: We now own the entire student-loan industry. It used to be private. Today it’s been nationalized.

Decoder: Big banks will no longer be able take $68 billion of tax money for being middlemen who risk nothing.

Michele Bachmann: If you want a student loan, you now have to go crawling to the government.

Decoder: Or you could file a loan request online. That would eliminate the crawling part. Unless your netbook isn’t near your futon.

Michele Bachmann: When you feel your pulse racing and you’re thinking something’s not right in America, that’s because spending is out of control.

Decoder: Or it could be the meth. Meth is a really bad drug. Do not use it.

Michele Bachmann: America has always been a country of renewal, of innovation, of finding the new mouse trap.

Decoder: Which, by the way, is in the foyer, behind the bookcase. It’s the kind with the glue. If people properly disposed of their food wrappers, we wouldn’t need one.

Michele Bachmann: Barack Obama’s promises aren’t working really well. I think he’s batting about zero.

Decoder: Except for that little promise he made about health-care reform. He kind of came through on that one.

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Michele Bachmann: A dictionary might help.

Michele Bachmann: The American people aren’t going to take this lying down.

Decoder: Except for the sick ones who don’t have health insurance. They probably won’t be well enough to sit up or stand.

Michele Bachmann: We are not the indentured servants of Pelosi, Reid or Obama.

Decoder: I’m going to look up “indentured servant” in the dictionary later. I may not be using that correctly.

Michele Bachmann: They are spending us into a bondage we can never dig our way out of.

Decoder: Bondage is a type of restraint. It doesn’t really have anything to do with being buried. But perhaps we could use the sharp end of the shovel to break the locks on the bondage thingy.

Michele Bachmann: No Republican in the House or Senate will vote for this. Now it’s down to one-party rule.

Decoder: Actually, it’s still a two-party rule even if the two parties vote differently. In that case, the party with the most votes prevails. They represent the majority of Americans. While it’s unfortunate that there’s such a stark ideological split, such a divide doesn’t constitute a one-party rule.

Michele Bachmann: You wait until 2012. This is a one-term President.

Decoder: Scary wackos like me, Palin and Beck will make a calm, studious person like Obama look really inviting again.

Michele Bachmann: They took over Chrysler. They took over GM. They’re running these companies into the ground.

Decoder: Those companies were already in the ground.

Michele Bachmann: Then they gave 3,400 decent, viable car dealerships across the country pink slips.

Decoder: Many, many more jobs would have been lost if the government hadn’t taken over Chrysler and GM and those companies had gone bust.

Michele Bachmann: I think we need IQ tests before these people go to Washington.

Decoder: But not for me. I’m busy that day.

Michele Bachmann: The government is not working for us.

Decoder: I define “us” as a small group of resentment-filled white people with a shaky grasp of history who want to blame someone else for their jackass lives. Instead the government is working for the non-screeching majority.

Michele Bachmann: This is dictatorial what they are doing.

Decoder: When I look up “indentured servant” in the dictionary, I’m going to look up “dictator” as well.

Michele Bachmann: This bill could be the stone that ends up sinking this country forever into a sea of debt.

Decoder: It will drown the skeletons of our pastry chefs. It will drink the blood of our midwives. It will disembowel our crossing guards. Wow, I am an adult who sees everything in absolute black and white, just like a child–a really stupid child.

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