Barack Obama

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“The Republicans Won’t Try To Beat [Obama] From The Center And Will Thus Nominate A More Extreme Candidate”

May 3, 2011 in Excerpts, Politics | Permalink

Damn, those Kenyans are good. (Image by Pete Souza.)

Economist Tyler Cowen’s instant reaction to the political ramifications of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, posted at 11:30pm on May 1:

“My quick take is that that Obama will be re-elected (getting Osama is way more important than Iraq, or Saddam in the American mind, attacks on American soil, etc.), at this point the Republicans won’t try to beat him from the center and will thus nominate a more extreme candidate and lose badly, and the most important effects will be on Pakistan, not this country.”

 

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“[She] Died At 52, Never Knowing Who Or What He Would Become”

April 20, 2011 in Excerpts, Urban Studies | Permalink

An excerpt from “Obama’s Young Mother Abroad,” Janny Scott’s detailed Sunday Times Magazine piece about Stanley Ann Dunham, who lived an unorthodox and all-too-brief life and was mom to our 44th President:

“To describe Dunham as a white woman from Kansas turns out to be about as illuminating as describing her son as a politician who likes golf. Intentionally or not, the label obscures an extraordinary story — of a girl with a boy’s name who grew up in the years before the women’s movement, the pill and the antiwar movement; who married an African at a time when nearly two dozen states still had laws against interracial marriage; who, at 24, moved to Jakarta with her son in the waning days of an anticommunist bloodbath in which hundreds of thousands of Indonesians were slaughtered; who lived more than half her adult life in a place barely known to most Americans, in the country with the largest Muslim population in the world; who spent years working in villages where a lone Western woman was a rarity; who immersed herself in the study of blacksmithing, a craft long practiced exclusively by men; who, as a working and mostly single mother, brought up two biracial children; who believed her son in particular had the potential to be great; who raised him to be, as he has put it jokingly, a combination of Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi and Harry Belafonte; and then died at 52, never knowing who or what he would become.”

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Shocker: Donald Trump Shaves Bo The Dog, Burns Down White House

April 20, 2011 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

 

Donald Trump: Using the Republican Party the same way he used Marla Maples. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

That orange-headed fuckface Donald Trump upped the ante early today in his fake run for the Presidency, bringing his ridiculous unilateral feud with President Obama directly to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Trump sneaked onto the lawn and took an electric razor to First Dog Bo, shaving profanities into his coat, and set fire to the White House, burning to the ground what the homely narcissist dubbed “that old, unclassy dump.”

“I can’t prove that Obama wasn’t born in America if I don’t desecrate his Portuguese Water Dog,” said Trump, as he stood near the charred remains of the Lincoln bedroom. “I’m a very smart man. I went to the best schools. I got very good grades. I know what I’m doing.”

Because President Obama is aloof the way many Kenyans are, he ignored the fire and refused to confront his make-believe rival. That won’t stop Trump, though. He is going forward with a round of debates without Obama, hiring the homeless man with the golden voice Ted Williams as a suitable stand-in for the incumbent. The debate will be moderated by Trump’s fellow NBC celebrity, Guy Fieri, who is both stupid and useful.

Tracking polls are showing that Trump is already drawing strong support from gigantic assholes across the country. Now he can probably add to his constituency arsonists and people who own dogs with the word “cocksucker” etched into their back. Still, it won’t be easy to win the Republican nomination with strong competition from Sarah Palin, the other lady who’s even crazier than Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Haley Barbour and Brett Favre’s penis. They’re all equally qualified to run the country. But Republicans are just happy to have a candidate who makes Newt Gingrich look morally upstanding by comparison, even though Trump is actually more liberal than Obama on almost every issue.

For their part, NBC executives love the free publicity that Trump brought the network by burning down the White House, and are only disappointed that he didn’t also defecate into the lap of the Lincoln Memorial.

“Apprentice has nearly doubled its ratings from last season and is now averaging almost 8 million viewers an episode,” said one network exec, pulling his head out of his ass long enough to speak. “It’s one of the very few shows we have that is in the zeitgeist and gets those kinds of numbers. So, we certainly want him back. And we’d also like to develop a sitcom for that cocksucker dog.”

Trump is either using his fake Presidential run to boost his ratings and fame by being an even a bigger whore than usual, or perhaps he’s having a complete mental breakdown as the result of suddenly realizing that he’s spent his life renting wives and somehow losing money on casinos.

Whatever the reason, Trump has vowed that when he becomes President he will build a new White House, which won’t be white but gold, and he will install in each bedroom a slot machine and an Eastern European model who swallows. The new building, it can be sure, will look like a huge bag of shit.•

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Decoder: Recent Comments From Critics Of The So-Called Ground Zero Mosque

August 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sarah Palin: Dr. Laura's wingwoman. (Image by David Shankbone.)

Sarah Palin tweet: Mr. President, why are they so set on marking an area w/ mosque steps from what you described, in agreement with many, as “hallowed ground”?

Decoder: It’s amusing that I suddenly think New York has hallowed ground. Since gaining national recognition, I’ve made it clear time and again that I have only disdain for New York City, that I think it’s less American than other places in the country. But the second it became politically expedient to think New York City contains hallowed ground, I was happy to play my cards from that end of the deck.

Sarah Palin: Nobody argues that the freedom of religion that the Muslims have [permits them] to build that mosque somewhere.

Decoder: Yes, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion “somewhere.” Maybe in Trenton or someplace like that. Secaucus–that’s a good place for religious freedom.

Newt Gingrich: You know, Nazis don’t have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There’s no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center.

Decoder: I’ve just compared Muslim-Americans who haven’t broken any laws to Nazis. Abridging the rights of Muslim-Americans today because we are at war with Al-Qaeda is no different in principle than Japanese-Americans being denied rights during WWII.

Terrorists want you to eat this delicious, delicious sandwich.

Newt Gingrich: America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization.

Decoder: Some guy just opened a falafel stand not four miles from where I live. It’s like Pearl Harbor with chickpeas.

Rep. Peter King: There are too many mosques in America.

Decoder: I have already tried to say this comment was taken out of context, but the unedited video makes it clear that it wasn’t. I am a sad and prejudiced man.

President Obama: I was not commenting and I will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to put a mosque there. I was commenting very specifically on the right people have that dates back to our founding. That’s what our country is about.

Decoder: I was being more honest and accurate when I said, “Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable.” But then some Democrats who are running for reelection this fall gave Rahm Emmanuel an earful, so I had to backtrack somewhat. I should stick to defending the Constitution.

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Decoder: Criticism Of President Obama For Appearing On The View

July 30, 2010 in Politics | Permalink

President Barack Obama: I hope Sherri liked me. (Image by Steve Jurvetson)

Sarah Palin tweet: President w/no time to visit porous US/Mexican border to offer help to those risking life to secure us, but lotso’ time to chat on The View?

Decoder: I was Alaska Governor w/no time to finish my only term in office ’cause I needed lotso’ time to make money as loudmouth media celebrity. #uselesssackofcrap

Rush Limbaugh: Obama is trying to get his numbers up. Obama is out there. He’s going to tape an appearance on The View. A lot of Democrats say, “This is not dignified. You’re not dignifying the office of the Presidency.” The dirty little secret is that for every day Obama is in that office, he denigrates it. He becomes less and less Presidential with each passing day.

Decoder: I know that Obama has done nothing to denigrate the office. People can agree or disagree with his policies, but he’s a classy guy who’s carried himself well as President. Now I would have a case if he behaved like I do. I was helplessly addicted to QxyContin and detained for several hours of questioning by authorities after returning from a trip to the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra that didn’t have my name on the prescription.

Rush: Kneepads and dildos available for overnight shipping.

Rush Limbaugh: I followed through, by the way, and sent some kneepads to Maude Behar by FedEx. She ought to get ‘em today in advance of the taping of the show tomorrow.

Decoder: I’m a man who owns kneepads. I have many pairs and can spare a few.

Michelle Malkin: It’s telling that he goes to cry on the shoulders of the sympathetic women of The View.

Decoder: Why did I never criticize Bush for doing interviews with friendly Fox News? Also: I don’t seem to have a problem with The View when I go on that show to promote my books. Maybe I’m just another weirdo opportunist.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell: I think the President should be accessible, should answer questions that aren’t pre-screened, but I think there should be a little bit of dignity to the Presidency. I wouldn’t put him on Jerry Springer, too, right?

Decoder: I’m the great media analyst who praised Fox News for its objectivity during the 2008 Presidential election.

Fox News: It’s the one hundredth anniversary of the Boy Scouts, but instead of honoring the future leaders of our country, President Obama sat down with the ladies of The View.

Decoder: Obama sent a videotaped message to the Boy Scout Jamboree instead of attending in person, just as W. did in the summer of 2001.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Recent Comments At The John McCain Reelection Rally And Other Venues

March 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Gun violence is a subtle metaphor for encouraging voting.

Sarah Palin: Nobody gave us a Teleprompter this time around. I had to write my notes on my hand again.

Decoder: Every time I try to make an obviously intelligent person like Obama seem stupid, I end up revealing how dumb I am. Maybe I should realize that I’m in no position to question anyone else’s intelligence.

Sarah Palin: I couldn’t wait to get some of the McCain-Palin team back together again.

Decoder: Some of them but not most of them. Most of them thought I was unfit and unintelligent.

Sarah Palin: John McCain is leading the party of ideas.

Decoder: Like his idea that Republicans should no longer cooperate with Obama on any issue, even issues they actually agree on. That way the whole country can be spited.

Sarah Palin: We know violence isn’t the answer. When we talk about taking up our arms, we’re talking about our vote.

Decoder: I’ve purposely not made that clear in the past. I’ve said it in a way that sends a mixed message of gun violence to the crazier elements of the crowd.

Sarah Palin: When I talk about it’s not a time to retreat, it’s a time to reload, I was trying to inspire people to get involved in their local elections and these upcoming federal elections.

Decoder: I wasn’t actually encouraging gun violence; I just wanted it to sound that way.

Sarah Palin: [Don’t believe] this BS coming from the lamestream media.

Decoder: They accurately reported that I put rifle scope targets on a map of Democratic representatives on my Facebook page. They also dared to report facts about Tea Party members using racial and homophobic slurs and spitting on congresspersons they didn’t agree with.

Sarah Palin: This is just the beginning of our efforts to take back our country.

Decoder: We must take back our country from a non-white guy who’s worked really hard to educate himself and achieve. He dares to govern after being chosen by a majority of Americans in a free election.

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Decoder: Glenn Beck And Iowa Congressman Steve King Discuss Health Care Reform

March 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Confident and stupid. (Photo by Gage Skidmore.)

Steve King: I have a fair amount of anxiety about what’s happening to our liberty in America this week, Glenn, but other than that, I’m healthy.

Decoder: Though it doesn’t matter if I’m healthy or not, because every member of congress has wonderful health care thanks to the taxpayers.

Steve King: If tens of thousands pour into [Washington D.C.] again, like they have numerous times before, pack this capital, jam this capital, surround this place, don’t let anybody in or anybody out, they will have to capitulate.

Decoder: Okay, I didn’t realize how illegal that would sound. It sounds like we’re taking hostages. I mean, I want it to be a cool kind of hostage-taking. You know, like Denzel Washington in that hospital movie, John Q. Okay, bad example.

Steve King: Drop your plows and your hammers and get on a plane or a bus or drive your pickup truck. Come into Washington DC, fill this city up.

Decoder: Leave behind your covered wagons, your gas lamps and your charwoman. Come forth upon a chariot and a mighty wind. Or just take the Acela. It has wi-fi now.

Steve King: They intend to vote on the sabbath, during lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God.

Decoder: The God-given freedom to drop dead without health care.

Glenn Beck: You know, I sense we’re talking to Congressman Steve King from Iowa, one of the good guys.

Decoder: One of the good guys who made derisive comments about the IRS right after a terrorist rammed a plane into an IRS building, killing a U.S. military veteran. One of the good guys who complained when deportation of Haitian illegal aliens was temporarily halted in the days after the earthquake. One of the good guys who said that the “optics” of someone who looked like Barack Obama winning the Presidency would please terrorists.

Glenn Beck: They’re going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the sabbath, during lent. You couldn’t have said it better. Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity that it is an affront to God.

Decoder: Even Fox is embarrassed of me.

Steve King: I don’t know how they can hole up and go into their private meetings in these secret formerly smoke filled rooms and with the guards on the outside of the door and put these things up and keep it a secret.

Rep. Steve King: Rated tickle-worthy by Eric Massa.

Decoder: The entire health care bill is online and available to the public. Just put down your plow and hammer for a second and log on.

Glenn Beck: You’re not a dirt bag, are you?

Decoder: Because that’s my act and bad enough I have to share it with Hannity.

Glenn Beck: How have we never met? I don’t know, Steve King, how we never brushed up against each other.

Decoder: That sounded gay. I didn’t mean for it to sound gay.

Steve King: In Czechoslovakia and Prague, people came to the town square and they just stood there and they held up their keys and shook their keys and the rattle of those keys was the rattle of the breath of liberty emerging in Czechoslovakia and there were so many of them and they came in such great numbers that in the end the communist government fell and freedom prevailed in Czechoslovakia and it prevails today.

Decoder: I know that all of our current leaders were freely elected. I just don’t like when they turn out to be non-white or try to do things I don’t agree with. When that happens, there should be a Velvet Revolution.

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Decoder: Rick Santorum’s Comments From “On The Record With Greta” And Other Venues

March 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Unintelligent, yet believes in intelligent design.

Rick Santorum: Ordinary people realize that what you’re talking about here is taking away choices from them about health care. And I remember one [woman who said] “You know, my father has very bad cancer and has a 15 percent survival. He’s at the Mayo Clinic. We may lose the farm. You know what? In Norway, you can’t get this drug. In Britain, you can’t get–it’s illegal in Canada. Because it’s an expensive drug. And there’s one thing worse than losing your farm, and that’s losing your dad!”

Decoder: Another good way to lose your dad: Let him be one of the tens of millions of Americans who can’t afford ridiculously high insurance premiums. If he gets cancer–even the kind with a good cure rate–you will lose him.

Rick Santorum: But if you’re saying things about what the President’s bill is about, and you’re in most cases, probably telling the truth, unlike what they are doing, you’re now going to be reported to the White House. That’s not good!

Decoder: What I just said is bullshit. Also: I hope no one remembers I supported the Patriot Act loosening restrictions on wiretapping Americans. I also voted to extend the wiretap provision.

Rick Santorum: There’s one part of Medicare, it’s called Medicare Advantage, that is private sector. It’s private sector-run. It’s a managed care program that is completely private sector experience in Medicare. [Obama] wants to shut it down.

Decoder: If I had been a Senator when Medicare was established, I would have voted against it and called all of it socialism.

Rick Santorum: Political correctness is reigning in the military right now.

Decoder: Despite the strain of two long-term wars and helping people victimized by natural disasters, our military is doing a tremendous job. Some of those soldiers doing the great work are gay. I want to prevent them from continuing their service to their country.

Rick Santorum: I am considering putting my name in for the 2012 presidential race.

Decoder: I’m also considering putting my name on my towels. “His” and “Hers” are pronouns and pronouns are the devil’s handiwork.

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Urban Studies: Harlem Children’s Zone

March 10, 2010 in Politics, Urban Studies | Permalink

President Obama has set aside $10 million in matching funds to replicate the Harlem Children's Zone in other areas. It's a good first step, but the amount is too paltry. (Photo by Steve Jurvetson.)

Some stories get covered a lot but can’t get covered enough. That’s the case with sociologist and educator Geoffrey Canada‘s amazing two-decade-old anti-poverty initiative, Harlem’s Children Zone, which has won plaudits from both sides of the political aisle.

More importantly, it’s working. Children enrolled in HCZ grow to be healthy, well-educated adults, whereas previous generations who grew up on their same blocks, often got lost in the system, their dreams deferred until they were all but lost.

Newsweek is the latest to shine a light on the HCZ (and other pioneering programs like it). An excerpt from Raina Kelley’s article “The Future of Black History“:

“What the HCZ does is first recognize that the amelioration of poverty does not begin and end with an excellent education, but also requires a full belly, parental education, safety, advocacy, and the expectation that every student will succeed.

‘We help parents and kids through the system,’ HCZ founder Geoffrey Canada says. ‘We get them past every hindrance put in their way, whether it be at home or with social services. We can advocate on a child’s behalf, whether it be at home or in the classroom or with the juvenile justice system.’

Indeed, the HCZ starts early: it provides new parents with a Baby College to teach parenting skills during the crucial first three years of a child’s life and a preschool Gems program, where kids learn not only French and Spanish but healthy eating habits to combat childhood obesity. The Zone also offers the HCZ Asthma Initiative to provide medical care and education to families, thus drastically cutting down on the number of school days missed by students suffering from asthma.

And it has a network of afterschool programs that teach media literacy, karate, and computer skills. It’s called the pipeline–once familes enter, it’s hoped that they’ll stay until their child graduates from college.”

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Decoder: Dick Cheney’s Comments On This Week

February 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Let me handcuff you to a chair and slap you around. It's for national security purposes, of course.

Dick Cheney: The White House must stop dithering.

Decoder: Obama needs to quickly make bad decisions without thinking them through and stubbornly stick to them. That’s how it’s done.

Dick Cheney: I was and remain a strong proponent of our enhanced interrogation program.

Decoder: Americans are queasy about the word “torture,” so I’ve started referring to it as “an enhanced interrogation program.” Sounds classier.

Dick Cheney: I think the President made the right decision to send troops into Afghanistan. I thought it took him a while to get there.

Decoder: He paused to think. W. never gave me trouble like that. My incredible sense of arrogance tells me that I’m smarter than everyone else despite my unimpressive track record, so I think people should do what I want without question. Also: Bush and I never got around to focusing the military on terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan because we were too busy fighting an unnecessary war in Iraq, which was based on incorrect evidence about nonexistent WMDs.

Dick Cheney: But I do repeatedly see examples that there are key members in the administration, like Eric Holder, for example, the attorney general, who still insists on thinking of terror attacks against the United States as criminal acts as opposed to acts of war.

Decoder: Eric Holder has not ruled out prosecuting me, so he’s officially a meanie. I will try to paint him as an out-of-touch liberal despite the fact that he worked in the Reagan administration.

Dick Cheney: I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do. We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century. We took down his government, a man who’d produced and used weapons of mass destruction.

Decoder: There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq in 2003 even though I insisted there were. So I’ll try to divert from that by mentioning that there were once weapons there. Worth a shot.

Dick Cheney: I think the–the proper way to–to deal with the Christmas Day bomber would have been to treat him as an enemy combatant. I think that was the right way to go.

Decoder: The Bush administration didn’t put shoe bomber Richard Reid into military custody, but that was nine years ago, so people probably forgot.

Dick Cheney: I was a big supporter of waterboarding. I was a big supporter of the enhanced interrogation techniques.

Decoder: I forgot to call it “enhanced interrogation techniques” the first time, but I quickly caught myself.

Dick Cheney: Twenty years ago, the military were strong advocates of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I think things have changed significantly since then.

Decoder: Every now and again, I like to take another man to a quiet place on a ranch and give it to him in the face really hard.

Dick Cheney: The reason I’ve been outspoken is because there were some things being said, especially after we left office, about prosecuting CIA personnel that had carried out our counterterrorism policy or disbarring lawyers in the Justice Department who had helped us put those policies together.

Decoder: The reason I’ve been outspoken is because if my underlings get prosecuted, then it’s just a matter of time until they come for me. And Dick Cheney ain’t going to the Graybar Hotel.

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Decoder: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Boasts About Iran’s Growing Nuclear Prowess

February 13, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

I got this blazer on sale at Korvette's. Such savings you would not believe!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: With the U.S. and the U.S.S.R., one was just as bad as the other. Both contributed to the destruction of world values. They talked about prosperity and wealth, but they killed more than 120 million individuals in the last 120 years and made many more homeless and injured.

Decoder: I’m the only person on the planet annoying enough to make Russia agree with Obama on anything. I mean, the Russians side with North Fucking Korea over the U.S. And Kim Jong-il is one suspicious Happy Meal from being Idi Amin.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I am proudly announcing today that our scientists have gotten laser technology and will be manufacturing and providing the Iranian nation with new equipment.

Decoder: Lazer Zeppelin is upon us, and we will have the technology to produce Lazer Floyd within six months.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Today many of our cities enjoy electricity, schools, health, activities in villages that were on the verge of destruction. I do not want to offer figures and statistics; you are all aware of them.

Decoder: You’re not all aware of them? Let me see if I have them on me. Oh, I know, I must have left them in the pocket of my other Members Only jacket. But they are so very awesome, I swear.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I want to proudly announce that in the next few days we will have celebrations for electricity being transferred to all villages with more than 20 households.

Decoder: 1934, here we come!

The Tehran planetarium will be rocking. (Image by Dina Regine.)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Due to the blessings of God Almighty, today the convoy of the Iranian nation’s progress and prosperity is moving forward more swiftly and no power can resist the power of the Iranian nation.

Decoder: I am not going to stop talking until I get this whole fucking country blown up.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: With no doubt, the future belongs to the Iranian nation. Its enemies have no chance for victory.

Decoder: My penis, it is very small, so I talk really big. You should hear me in clubs and bars.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Liberalism is trying to turn all nations into laborers to fill the pockets of capitalists. They want to make a modern slavery.

Decoder: Though Casual Fridays are really fun. And that new lady in HR doesn’t seem bad. I think her name is “Carol.”

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The Allies’ victory in WWII was due to plundering the energy resources of the Middle East.

Decoder: I know even less about history than Sarah Palin.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: They want us to be kept weak and under the domination of atrocious dictators.

Decoder: No, not me, Mr. Funnypants. The other atrocious dictators.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Hopefully, the Western wing of the hegemonic system has come to its end and this malicious system will hopefully collapse.

Decoder: Actually, it kind of already has, but they seem to still be way richer than us, which has me baffled.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: From a scientific view we have made the swiftest signs of progress in the world.

Decoder: Did I mention only six months to Lazer Floyd?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I am proud to announce that, the day before yesterday, we began to enrich the 20% fuel. The first convoy of 20%-enriched fuel was produced.

Decoder: It was very likely not produced, but again: little penis = big talk.

Thinks he's agreed to host an Aziz Ansari roast. (Image by Scott LaPierre.)

Mahmoud Ahmajinedad: They should know that our nation is so courageous that if we make a nuclear bomb, we will openly announce it.

Decoder: And Charles Barkley has agreed to do color commentary. No, seriously, he actually agreed to do it. He’s apparently crazy.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: We will never allow the West to dominate this region.

Decoder: And by oppressing my own people and creating such a sick society, I will make sure we never dominate this region, either.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The Iranian youth have a right to seek justice and truth. They have a right to build their own future on the foundations of love, compassion and tranquility.

Decoder: And when they finally do, I am so totally fucked.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Keynote Address At The Tea Party Convention

February 7, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

This is a party of the people--working-class people who will pay me $100k for a speech. Ka-ching!

Sarah Palin: I look forward to attending more Tea Party events in the near future. It is just so inspiring to see real people.

Decoder: Real white people, that is. Real racist white people who aren’t really good spellers and who are resentful about having an African-American President.

Sarah Palin: Now, in many ways, Scott Brown represents what this beautiful movement is all about. You know, he was just a guy with a truck and a passion to serve our country.

Decoder: A guy without pants. A guy who did bottomless stuff. A guy who let it flap in the breeze. Also: Pointing out that he owned a truck makes it look like I’m connecting to working-class people, when I’m collecting $100K for a speech.

Sarah Palin: The Tea Party movement is not a top-down operation. This is about the people, and it’s bigger than any king or queen of a Tea Party. And it’s a lot bigger than any charismatic guy with a Teleprompter.

Decoder: But not bigger than a charismatic woman with notes scribbled on her hand.

Sarah Palin: The stakes are too high right now, and your voice is too important. So work hard for these candidates, but put your faith in ideas.

Decoder: Or vague buzzwords and catchphrases that have no real meaning.

Sarah Palin: Because that’s not how radical Islamic extremists are looking at this. They know we’re at war. And to win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor of law standing at the lecturn!

Decoder: I don’t like professors, with their gotcha questions. They were always giving me bad grades at all five of the colleges I attended.

Sarah Palin: And you know, it’s no wonder that our President only spent about nine percent of his State of the Union Address discussing national security and foreign policy, because there aren’t a whole lot of victories that he could talk about that night.

Decoder: He hasn’t started any cool wars yet.

Sarah Palin: Just like you…probably just so tired of hearing the talk talk talk…Tired of hearing the talk!

Decoder: Although I can’t shut my resentful piehole for five minutes.

Sarah Palin: We need clear foreign policy that stands with the people and for democracy—one that reflects both our values and our interests, and it is in our best interest, because democracies—they don’t go to war with each other. They can settle their differences peacefully.

Decoder: Actually, democracies do go to war with each other. I am a complete fucking idiot–a complete fucking idiot with a $100K check in my pocket!

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Great Photography Online: Boston.com’s “The Big Picture”

December 15, 2009 in Misc., Photography | Permalink

Say "cheese," planet Earth.

Say "cheese," you damned planet Earth.

I don’t know if it was Boing Boing or Kottke that first pointed me in the direction of the great photography site, The Big Picture, but I’m grateful to whichever it was. Currently featured is the amazing “2009 in Photos,” which covers everything from Obama’s inauguration to the June political riots in Tehran. My personal favorites are the eye-popping shots from the Hubble Space Telescope. Feast on the three-part feature.

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Sarah Palin May Finally Be Wrong About Something

December 3, 2009 in Misc., Politics | Permalink

ME WANT PIZZA!

ME WANT PIZZA!

Everyone hates a know-it-all. The kind of person who has the answer for everything and makes the rest of us feel like baboons. Sarah Palin is such a person. She excelled at all 12 colleges she attended, continually moving on in pursuit of greater intellectual challenges. Brainiac. But I think I finally caught her at something less than 100 percent accuracy. No, I swear.

On a recent Fox News appearance, Palin said the following to into the petrified rock that is Greta Van Susteren’s head:

“There’s been a lack of acknowledgment by our president in understanding what it is that the American military provides in terms of, obviously, the safety, the security of our country. I want him to acknowledge the sacrifices that these individual men and women — our sons, our daughters, our moms, our dads, our brothers and sisters — are providing this country to keep us safe.”

Well, smarty pants, you may have whiffed on this one.

  • Obama praises troops for progress in Iraq.
  • Obama praises troops during surprise visit to Iraq.
  • Obama visits wounded U.S. troops in Germany.
  • Obama praises troops bravery after base attack.
  • Obama visits wounded soldiers at Walter Reed.
  • Obama honors fallen soldiers.
  • Obama praises military during visit to a Florida naval base.

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