Misc.

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Many of you have eaten dog and horse.

Probably rat, too, if you went to school on west Long Island in the 70’s and 80’s and bought school lunches.

Oh yeah. You’ve eaten those animals.

Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:

Afflictor: Looking forward to next week's Time magazine cover about gun control. (Image by François R. Cambuzat.)

  • Kevin Kelly explains how we can influence the character of technology.

Is this the life or what (Midtown)

Sooo…I just masturbated at work, and then after I went to go get a sandwhich. Is this life or what!

I need urine!

I need a pregnant chick’s urine…

Serious replies only. Need it ASAP!

"I want to live in the Big Apple to do my stand-up."

I have 300$ Can i live with you in nyc? (NYC)

Is that enough? Then i get a job or two and start rockin. Im a taper and a cook for now but i want to live in the big apple to do my stand-up and acting and music and blah blah i suck. But i do wanna try it. Let me know guys!!! 

Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:

Afflictor: Thinking it might be best that Chen Guangcheng can't see...

...if he's granted asylum in New Jersey.

  • Some thoughts about the furor over President Obama’s bin Laden campaign ad. And one more thing about Arianna Huffington’s “despicable” comment.
  • Paul Krugman hates income inequality, loves beard maintenance.
  • Robert Reich doesn’t believe we are in the endgame of the Republic.
  • Atul Gawande examines a transforming moment in medical history.

"George Clooney got old or something." (Image by Efloch.)

Where are the Rock Hudsons? (Downtown)

I don’t care that Rock Hudson was gay – he was made for the movies. I’m a straight female who wonders where are those gorgeous guys that used to headline the movies? They were something to look at. Now we have Tom Cruise – ok – he’s got big blue eyes. But let’s face it, he’s medium height, yes, he’s fit, but if he were walking down the street and wasn’t a celebrity – I don’t think anyone would notice. Then we have Brad Pitt. Now he’s got body but the face, come on now, that’s the face of a kid. Can you really get thrilled by Brad Pitt? Where are the Cary Grants, Paul Newmans? I think you follow me. Not only did they have looks, they had real talent too. I’m a frustrated woman left with no one to admire. No one to close my eyes at night and dream about. George Clooney got old or something, but yeah, he had it for a while there. I’m 51 – maybe I got old? Anyone agree about the men in movies?

"I figured you were all assholes."

dear dead baby birds: sorry (cos cob)

i know that you probably wont read this because you are dead and most likely wouldn’t understand english.

but I am sorry. Sorry i let you build a nest under my air conditioner. sorry i yelled and beat the air conditioner. you were probably just tweeping at all hours because you were hungry.

i figured you were all assholes, but by the time i plugged up the sides of the air conditioner to keep you away, i realized that i sealed you in.

this resulted in much more verbal abuse (sorry), as i thought you sneaked through somehow. nope. my fault.

also, sorry i then shoveled your nest into a shoe box using a spatula (since thrown away). you probably thought I was your mother and it was fresh worm time.

finally, I am sorry for leaving you in the shoe box outside. actually i dont know if you are even dead. someone took the shoebox before i could check it in the morning. maybe it was your avian folks. to be fair it was probably my landlord.

anyway, hope this note finds you well and that you arent mad and considering any ghost tweeping.

 

Piers Morgan: Heaven knows he tries. (Image by Pete Riches.)

The foreign countries sending the most unique visitors to Afflictor during April:

  1. Great Britain
  2. Canada
  3. Germany
  4. Netherlands
  5. Sweden

NO NEWS!

Anyone else notice the lack of news? There is no news for the average man on the street.

"I don't want to throw these out, but I'm not drinking this crap either."

Free Tropicana ‘light’ juice (Harlem / Morningside)

There was a sale. Tropicana Fruit Punch juice, 2 for $3.
But there was a catch, it said ‘light’ on the carton.
I thought it was odd, but I didn’t care, I was getting a deal.
I brought it home. I opened it. I tasted it.

It. Is. Disgusting.

It’s gross. It has a nasty after taste. I guess ‘light’ means light on deliciousness, because I can’t stomach this crap.
My little daughter can’t either. She spit it out. My husband gagged.
I bought 6 of these. And I can’t find the receipt.

I don’t want to throw these out, but I’m not drinking this crap either. So it’s yours. Five half gallon cartons of Tropicana ‘light’ Fruit Punch.

I live near 150th and riverside. Come and get it and it’s yours. I’m sorry if my ad isn’t very appealing, but i couldn’t lie to you. 
Who knows, maybe you might like it!
First come, first serve.


Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:

Afflictor: Wondering why so many Secret Service agents have been volunteering to guard the antiquities room.

  • Sherry Turkle is concerned that technology is making us “alone together.”
  • Apple is building its own private Cupertino restaurant.
  • Vint Cerf shepherded the Internet from proprietary to public.

warning (new york city)

something is wrong , many people can feel it! get out of new york city while you can. what ever it is it’s coming soon, you don’t have much time left save your family,get out now!!!

"I had a great cut and still had $10!"

LOOKING FOR MY BARBER……INFO? – $1000 (reward for your help,thanks)

(1993)… I was a college student at St. Rose University located in Albany, NY. And like most college kids: I had no car, very little money, and no real desire to be in school. I really needed a haircut so I went back a barber shop where I was brought only once before by some of my classmates who played on the St. Rose Baseball team.

There was no one waiting so the barber waived his hand to come right over and sit down. Though I had met him only once before, he remembered my name.”Your name is Jimmy, right?” Yes I replied surprisingly. “The guys from the baseball team brought you in a few months ago. Great to see you!” Boy, was this a cheerful guy, I thought to myself. For the next 20 minutes he cut my hair and neither of us spoke a word. When he was done, he spun me around to face the mirror and smiled. He could tell I was very happy. So we walked over to the register, again the barber surprised me with his memory. “I think one of your friends mentioned to me that you do amateur stand-up comedy at the St. Rose once a month in the gymnasium, right?” …that’s right I said.

“Well, listen….at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning in Troy, NY, there is a professional audition being held for a pilot comedy show and they are looking for 13 young comedians.” He went on to tell me that a client of his (Donald Metzner, who owns a huge car dealership in Albany and has a lot of connections) is teaming up with Fox23-TV and Metroland Magazine to host a pilot for a comedy called “Metroland’s Loose Camera.” He suggested to me to go and audition. “Thanks Ron, but I don’t have a car or even know how to get to Troy.” He said that if I like, he would come to my dorm at 7:30 a.m., pick me up and bring me to the audition and introduce me to Donald Metzner, himself. This is kinda weird I thought to myself, but said “sure”. I gave the barber my dorm address and my last $10…..he took the address, but handed me back my $10….”NO charge, just be ready at 7:30.”

I had a great cut and still had $10!

So I went about my day and really didn’t give too much thought of this 7:30 a.m. audition stuff.

“WHO IS BEEPING THEIR HORN!!!! It’s only 7:45 in the morning, for crying out loud!… I look out my window only to see the barber waiting outside honking his horn….oh, yeah, the audition. I poked my head out and yelled I would be right out. Boy, I guess this guy wasn’t kidding. So I jumped into his car and we drove fast to somewhere called Troy. I remember we were late, I remember a 2-story house, going in and seeing about 200 people sitting everywhere waiting to audition. I signed my name on clip board. We sat down and waited while names were slowly being called. As we were waiting a really sharp guy comes in and my barber jumps up and says,” Donald!” as they shake hands . Ron whispered something to Donald, then came over and introduced me to him. “Donald, this my friend Jimmy, he does stand up comedy at his college.” “Nice to meet you, Jimmy. I stood and shook his hand. Then I sat back down and waited for my name to be called……3 days later after cuts and call-backs, I was picked as a member of the cast!

For the next several months, we shot the pilot. During the filming, myself, the 12 other cast members, and my barber, filmed a series of commercials in the Armory Garage Show room featuring the late-actor Geoffrey Holder. “You can’t get Armory off your mind” summer of 1994 campaign.

Finally the pilot was finished and had a big premier showing and though it was a very funny comedy, no networks were interested. But Donald Metzner and other talent scouts liked me and asked me to quit school and go to California where they would set me up with an agent and some comedy work…..I quit school immediately and flew off to CA!

Things happened very fast for me. 18 years have gone by since the day I walked in for that haircut by Razor Ron. I never really ever thanked him, or even paid for my haircut…..Just when you think you are going to have a boring, regular day, things can change in an instant….Thank you Razor Ron for taking the time to do more than just your job. You went out of your way for a stranger that day. Finding out later that you had sad things going on in your life at the same time you helped me and never let anyone know, you did a very self-less act of kindness which changed my life. I would like to have you on my late-nite talk show and thank you publicly. Sincerely, Jimmy Fallon

Tags:

"This will be a permanent situation."

SEEKING FEMALE WHO BUYS AND SELLS ON THE INTERNET (QUEENS)

or goes to flea markets etc. i am in need of someone who can help me out about once or twice a month with the following:

1. administer an enema and a full body deep tissue massage.

in exchange for these services i will swap various things that you can sell. this will be a permanent situation and i have quite a bit of things. each visit you can pick a certain amount of things to sell. the 2 treatments take about 3 hours. if interested please leave contact info. thank you kindly.

taxidermy for suit (bk)

i need a suit. i’m 5’10” and probably a 31″ waist or so. can do work trade (basic carpentry, fix-it type work etc). i also have a taxidermy pheasant i can trade for it. 

"No, not the bees!" (Image by Kirk Weaver.)

Attn: Nic Cage – Book Proposal

Dear Mr. Cage,

I recently read that you have developed your own school of acting, which you call ‘Nouveau Shamanic,’ and that you would like to write a book in which you explain this style and the philosophy behind it. I know that you are a busy man and may not have the time to make this dream a reality, so I would like to offer you my services. As a professional writer with experience in the media industry as well as a longtime fan of your work who has seen almost every film you have appeared in, I believe I am the right person for this task. I will be able to bring to life your unique voice. Every page of this book will scream with all the vividness of the voice that begged “No, not the bees!” in The Wicker Man, the righteousness of the man who asked “Why didn’t you just put the bunny down?” in Con Air, and the three-dimensionality of the man who made love while firing a sawed-off shotgun in Drive Angry 3-D.

I understand that you have experienced some financial difficulty in the last few years. I assure you I don’t need a dinosaur skull or German castle. The honor of working with you will be enough.

If this letter does not reach you promptly, I will print it out on the reverse side of copies of the Declaration of Independence and leave a copy in every cocktail bar in the French Quarter, as I understand that is the best way to reach you. 


Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:

Afflictor: Happy to see the Secret Service hard at work.

  • Dude who likes having sex with trees answers questions.

sparring club opening (medford)

Im looking for fighters who want to train and beat the shit out of each other…period. controlled sparring. must be atleast 18.

Are you looking to start over? (everywhere)

Is your life not going in the direction you wish, to the point that at times you just wish you were someone else and elsewhere? We’ve all been there, so just drop a line and I will listen and help if I can. Talk to you soon!

"I will hunt you down and make you miserable."

Turtle Tank for sale – $50 (pearl river)

dimensions are 25 X 25 X 10 inches

Also of you decide to send spam emails or keep my email for fruadulence i am famous for reporting to FBI and FCC….I will hunt you down and make you miserable.

Thanks for your interest.

"Thanks for your interest."

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