"No, not the bees!" (Image by Kirk Weaver.)

Attn: Nic Cage – Book Proposal

Dear Mr. Cage,

I recently read that you have developed your own school of acting, which you call ‘Nouveau Shamanic,’ and that you would like to write a book in which you explain this style and the philosophy behind it. I know that you are a busy man and may not have the time to make this dream a reality, so I would like to offer you my services. As a professional writer with experience in the media industry as well as a longtime fan of your work who has seen almost every film you have appeared in, I believe I am the right person for this task. I will be able to bring to life your unique voice. Every page of this book will scream with all the vividness of the voice that begged “No, not the bees!” in The Wicker Man, the righteousness of the man who asked “Why didn’t you just put the bunny down?” in Con Air, and the three-dimensionality of the man who made love while firing a sawed-off shotgun in Drive Angry 3-D.

I understand that you have experienced some financial difficulty in the last few years. I assure you I don’t need a dinosaur skull or German castle. The honor of working with you will be enough.

If this letter does not reach you promptly, I will print it out on the reverse side of copies of the Declaration of Independence and leave a copy in every cocktail bar in the French Quarter, as I understand that is the best way to reach you.