“Clean.”

I am looking for a clean and beautiful girl to have my babies (Jersey City, NJ)

“Urine or piss.”

Healthy Male Urine/Piss Sample Specimen – $30 (Nassau)

Do you need a urine or piss sample for your own personal testing? I’m a healthy male guranteed. If you come to me it is the price listed and if I have to come to you it is more depending on the distance. Do what you will with the sample. Just email me your number and I will get back to you very shortly I check my email every hour just in case you need one ASAP.

I Resent Being Alive

“Two heads / one body.”

Small weird/unusual/freaky taxidermy

“I’ve begun to realize how obnoxious a drunk person can really be.”

question for the bar tenders/bar goers of nyc (ny)

so my dearest of drinking partners recently developed our weekly binge drinking sessions in to full blown alcoholism. he has been drinking pretty much every day of the week recently and as a result has been placed into recovery, so i can’t rely on him for being my go to guy when i need a boozing partner.as a result i’ve been going to bars by myself lately and i have to say the experience is…different. i still end up leaving the places shit faced drunk, but without having my friend with me i’ve begun to realize how obnoxious a drunk person can really be, especially considering that most of the people i see at the bar are no where near as drunk as i am. many nights i will socialize but i can kind of tell most people i talk to just want to cut the conversation short as fast as possible because they see how plastered i am.

bartenders are a bit more forgiving and tend to initiate convo with me, but mostly because they’re paid to and/or they’re just trying to gauge whether or not they should cut me off.

and here arises my question…

am i better off being that drunken dude that is somewhat obnoxious but great for a laugh, or that sullen, quiet drunk who goes out of his way to not initiate conversation with anybody, looking somewhat creepy in the process?

the irony of it all? the nights i try to start convo everybody seems to want to cut it short….the nights where i just want to get hammered and stare off into space everybody and their mother starts talking to me.

“Go Andy!” (Image by Carine06.)

Need a date for US Open Final? I’m sexy! – $1 (Midtown)

So you scored these amazing tennis tickets, but if you really want to impress your friends and clients you’ll need a lady on your arm…. And while I realize this shameless Craig’s List posting is evidence to the contrary, I’m actually a well-educated, classy (but not too classy) lady who will make an amusing date for the final. Did you hear about the Prince Harry scandal? I was there. He answered “Need a Date to Cirque du Soleil…” …and look how much fun he ended up having. I’ll even play along with whatever story you have about how we met. Harvard? Done. “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not” induction ceremony for largest penis? Done. Photos are available on request. Send me an email, your name, and a promise that you’re not going to put me in your dungeon or make a suit from my skin. Go Andy!

“LOL.”

Used panties pregnant – $20 (Staten Island )

“Intelligent, athletic stud.”

Better (Fairfield)

Life has it’s ups and downs, crying about the downs will get you nowhere. Real men stay up through the downs! It’s called intestinal fortitude or guts and that’s why I have…

• Private jets
• Long black limousines
• Rolex watches 
• 9 cars
• Alligator shoes, my newest pair were on sale for $3,800
• Only the finest looking women (for my wife and I)
• The biggest house on the biggest side of town

Intelligent, athletic stud

Custom made from head to toe

You’re looking at the man!

“The item is an answering machine, with the voice of the dead on it.”

Own the RAREST paranormal item (New York)

I offer a item so rare AND GENUINE that I felt New York was the best location to offer it at. I reside in Las Vegas, as does the item. The item is an answering machine, with the voice of the dead on it. This is no joke…it is real. My name is Kurt Mayne, and the entire story of this item (as well as some of my strange life) can be found by a you tube search of my name. The featurete is called Beyond The Strip. My financial woes put me in this position of offering something I swore I would never part with. Make me a offer I truly can not refuse. It MUST be a very serious offer…this is for the dicerning collector of the paranormal, or the macabre. STARTING BID..$5,000.

“Puppy mill, kitty mill, here kitty kitty.”

Nasty crazy lady (NY, NY & MASS)

I just got a new phone line in my house. I am getting phone calls from a woman who calls me obscene names, threatens to come beat my family up, sings and yells puppy mill, kitty mill, here kitty kitty. I have an elederly Mom and when the phone rings at 1:10 am, 2:15. am 4:55 am and all throughout the day I panic. No one has my new number yet. She calls from 8 different phone numbers in NJ, NY and Mass. Has anyone had this problem with this insane woman calling at all times of the day and night and does anyone know who she is? 

“Screw Gates and Jobs for taking away the last vestiges of youth.”

Taking back Brooklyn (Can’t find my way home.)

Did you ever dry your clothes on a radiator, grow basil on your back porch, maybe float something down the gutter after a rainstorm. Have an egg cream made in front of you while spinning around on a stool. Buy 2 pieces of Bazooka w/ a penny. Going out to play like a bat outta Hell after Sat. morning cartoons, kicking the sawdust around the butcher shop floor. Maybe you carved your name into hot tar on a July afternoon, that’ll last forever. Filled a sock w/chalk to make some crazy designs in the street, or shot your brother w/ a pea shooter. Yeah I go back, but this ain’ t some trip down memory lane, read on. Come in when it gets dark, no way we’re playing ringelerio, and I’ll get caught. Buy a frozen custard off a truck that would be condemned today for carrying some sort of virus. Ever buy a Good Humor bar from some old drunk on a 1/2 bike 1/2 cooler on wheels. How about burning your tongue on a Buittoni Instant Pizza. TANG. I loved to spin a Whizzer top and stick it in my brothers hair, fucking hysterical. Sorry bro. Hey does your little back hurt from carrying that back pack. Shit you should have tried carrying that leather schoolbag you know, the one w/the flap latch, bigger than any briefcase you ever saw. Some lightweights had to use both hands and carry it in front of them they we’re easy to tip over in rubber goulashes in the slush for 6 blocks. Not uphill both ways but true nonethless. NEVER used an umbrella let alone one w/ a nike swoosh,you’d get your ass handed to you w/it.Black socks w/sneakers! Don’t ask. Yeah I go back, a little. I don’t wanna go to the 21st. century. Well maybe not all the way. Cellphone, check laptop check, Ipod check, social networking, check, hey it’s all I’ve got after being gone 9 yrs. Social networking was going to your aunt’s house w/ your parents for coffee. Eat at one set of grandparents home on Sunday then go over to your moms side of the family for coffee and cake. Vice versa next Sunday, lest anyone get upset. WE bought bagels @ night not @ 7:00 am with some $5 latte. Hurrry up and order you idiot. Yeah I’m gettin there stay w/me. Chinese take out? No way. We’d make the little fuckers serve us. They must have used every Chinese curse word in the book while they watched the mess they had to clean up being made right in front of them. Eat at a luncheonette? I have yet to taste a better burger fries and coke. Fuck McDonalds, Wetsons brought your shit out to your car, on a tray, on rollerskates. I recall the first time I was ridiculed for the clothes I wore or my sneakers. I knew things had changed for good and the rest of my innocense was gone too.You never had to think about that shit before 70/71. Yes my eyes are open. I see the 21st century got here like, what 12 /13 yrs ago. So much has happened in that time, yet so little .Yeah I’m talkig to you, the one waiting in line for the next Apple product. Screw Gates and Jobs for taking away the last vestiges of youth, my youth. No not Utes, those we’re guys like me who went to New Utrecht High. They took away our vinyl ALBUMS, and no a cd is not an ALBUM. Typewriters and books too! But what, you say vinyl is making a comeback, typing classes too. Books? Hey they can’t burn down any libraries, well not yet any way. Not for practical 21st century use but for fun , yes fun. Does anbody remember laughter? Now you little hip Brooklyn Appleites wanna go back to my youth and have fun? FUCK YOU! I won’t let you get away w/it. You’ll probably claim you invented it all. You think you know my Brooklyn? You NEVER will. Some of you assholes will live there your whole sorry exsistence and NEVER experience what I did from age 6 to 12. Yeah I go back …..and forth. Sure we had mob wives, but they kept their mouthes shut. They didn’t go on T V and beat each other w/Prada handbags after a bad Botox treatment. It was an honor if your old man was mobbed up. You were shown respect. Screw John Gotti 21st century mob man. He should have put it on a silver platter for the Russians . The F B I is loving those guys, NYET! But I do have hope for the future, for my grandkids. I will be there to tell them about those days for as long as they will listen. Hopefully they won”t think I’m some old fool. You? I don’t really care what you think. I’d love to take them to a church bazaar like the ones we used to have right out in the street. Yeah boys I’m still here. The same guy who used to hang out on the corner. Hopefully I’m a little older and wiser but even that doesn’t happen for everyone. But I am 51 now a little tired and I’m going home. I’m not taking my ball though. I was NEVER that fucking guy. Yeah I go back.

“Our issues aside, we’re awesome together.”

I love my wife, but I wonder (East Village)

So, yes, I know my wife loves me. And I love her. Incredibly. If you’re lucky, you find that one person that you want to share everything with. I can honestly say that everything I do would be better if my wife was there to share it with me. I dont think a love like that comes along very often.

Of course, Im a red blooded American man, and I love women. I love to look. I love to imagine. Friends say that my personality can be an asset to me hooking up with beautiful women, were I to decide to seek greener pastures. I dont consider myself a ‘good looking’ man. But I’m not a hideous C.H.U.D. either.

So, if Im so in love with my wife, and she’s so in love with me, why do I look? Cuz I’m a guy? Sure. Cuz whenever we fight, the word divorce is thrown out quite a bit. Yes. Sometimes I wonder if we were just meant to be really good friends, and maybe we veil our wants for divorce, so as not to admit it, even to ourselves. After all, there’s some pride that goes along with having a ‘successful’ marriage. We see our friends come and go, fight and separate, date and split up, and we feel we’ve got a good handle on how to keep a happy home.

The problems are two fold. On my end, I suffer from major depression, medicated but not controlled. My mood swings on a dime, happy to sad, content to yearning, pleased to angry. I go from normal to furious or suicidal at the drop of a hat. Thats me. Mr. Fucked Up Head.

On her end, she is sexually stunted and has zero self esteem. So, needless to say, I never get laid, and when I do, it’s very vanilla. I’m not looking to swing from the ceiling, but I like a woman with some confidence in her sexuality. This is sorely lacking. Which I think, more than anything else, is why I look. I wont have an affair. I dont think thats fair to my partner. I wouldnt like it, so I wont do it.

The worst of it is that I work with these really cute awesome women, and because I’m in a service industry, I’m constantly meeting new people, which include a lot of pretty ladies.

I guess, I’m afraid to take the plunge. To see whats out there. I’m afraid of not finding someone as compatible than my wife. Our issues aside, we’re awesome together. And I always said I’d only get married once. One time. I dont believe in divorce, but I’d respect the decision if thats what we came to. But I wont be walking down that aisle again, so not only do I have to find a pretty lady that I like, who will deal with my mental nonsense, my not so fair figure, who will accept me and love me unconditionally, as my wife does, but who doesnt want to be married.

Am I fooling myself? Should I just resign myself to 80% in the relationship? Is it worth it to try and throw it all away and start again, at 38?

“Why would a fat, cheap, dirty, broke guy want to date a knock-out like me?”

knock out (Cranbury)

Realistic dilemma: Stunning, intellegent, independent woman attracts the dredges. Why would a fat, cheap, dirty, broke guy want to date a knock-out like me? Most men my age wind up in a one bedroom apartment in the worst section of town, while the ex’s took the best of them. Second time around sucks for women. And you men who have a little jingle want women in their 30’s even though you can’t have an erection.

“I’m 21, young and beautiful.”

appendix for sale – $500 (anywhere, everywhere)

some asshole stole my iphone and I’m selling my appendix, i figured i have no use for it so might as well sell it. im 21 young and beautiful, so my appendix is healthy and in great condition. we can also do a trade off, my appendix for your iphone 4s…the phone has to be in a good condition, im not taking a crappy phone for my beautiful and healthy appendix.