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Shocker: Sarah Palin Murders, Effs A Caribou

December 7, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Uses guns to compensate for small penis. (Image by Therealbs.)

Just a couple of weeks after clubbing a fish to death on her reality TV show, Sarah Palin attempted to demonstrate her superiority over yet another species when she shot and murdered a caribou. If you’ve followed Sarah Palin closely, you can tell that she’s very insecure because the average member of the reindeer family is brighter than she is and more qualified to be President of the United States. In order to mask her fears, Sarah Palin uses firearms to demonstrate that she is a member of the superior race.

After needing just 43 shots to kill the caribou, Sarah Palin opened its chest with a bowie knife and drank some of its blood. She smeared the rest of the blood on her chest and face like war paint. Then she lowered her trousers and straddled the dead reindeer and violated it repeatedly.

In addition to her utter stupidity, another thing that bothers Sarah Palin is that she has a pretty small penis. I mean, it’s big for a woman, but it’s still not very big. While her ding-dong may be tiny, it’s still functional and worked fine as she humped the newly murdered deer. Bristol stood by and watched proudly as her mom penetrated the slaughtered animal, but she did not participate for fear that she would become pregnant with the child of a dead caribou.

Fuck you, Snowflake Jr. You’re next.

For her part, Sarah Palin tried to preempt any criticism she would receive about the episode with a post on her blog. “Unless you’ve never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather couch or eaten a piece of meat, save your condemnation of tonight’s episode,” she wrote. “I remain proudly intolerant of the hypocrisy of those who would oppose the fucking of dead livestock.”

After she was done doing the deed with the dead deer, Sarah Palin strutted around bottomless for a while and ordered her lackeys to tell her that her cock is very gigantic. Then she waved her johnson all around and took a leak in a pond to remind nature that it is her bitch. Sarah Palin hasn’t decided what kind of animal she wants to kill and fuck next, but it will probably be a lamb. Their meat tastes good and they’re kind of plush and sexy.

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Shocker: The Pope Getting All Crunk And Nasty

November 21, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Pope Benedict XVI: Works blue. (Image by Rvin88.)

Many people were stunned to learn that Pope Benedict XVI justified condom use for male prostitutes with AIDS in a recent interview. It’s the first time the Vatican has ever acknowledged that there’s a circumstance when condoms are acceptable. Some pundits think this may be a sign that the Catholic Church is showing progress when it comes to sexuality, but based on some other statements he made, it seems that the Pope may have just been effed up like Charles Barkley during the Q&A. Here are some more comments from the Pope about other times it’s okay to use condoms:

When Boning Sarah Or Bristol:
“These two get pregnant if you sneeze on them. Even Octomom snickers. You might even want to double-bag it, or you could find yourself on the Levi Johnston Election Committee. And now that she’s constantly prancing around in the great outdoors pretending to like nature for the reality show cameras, Governor Snooki is especially horned up.”

When Fisting A Porn Star Outside Of Marriage:
“This is an instance where you need latex gloves instead of condoms, but we’re still talking rubber. Listen, if you marry the porn star, you can go raw fist. But if this is, say, a one-off thing at a Halloween party, you need to wrap that hand. I recommend Rubbermaid, but anything with a latex base will suffice.”

When Having Butt Sex With A Midget:
“If we’re talking, like, under four feet tall or something like that, then you need to use a lubed-up sack for comfort’s sake. I’m not suggesting that butthole size is completely determined by height, but let’s err on the side of caution in this matter.”

When Watching Tiger Woods Golf:
“You can’t be too careful. He’s like Caligula with a 3-iron.”

When Being Counseled By A Catholic Priest:
“Do you not read the papers?”

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Exclusive: Charlie Sheen Attending Medical School, Aims To Become Renowned Pussy Doctor

November 13, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Yet to lose a patient.

Charlie Sheen held a press conference this weekend not to announce that he’s entering rehab but to reveal that he’s been attending a Los Angeles medical school, hoping to become one of America’s foremost pussy doctors.

“I’m not entirely abandoning show business,” announced an earnest, pantless and clearly inebriated Charlie Sheen, “but I can’t stress how important it is to me that I dedicate most of my time to treating pussy and pussy-related illnesses.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that the term for a doctor who treats women’s reproductive organs is actually “gynecologist,” the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

Most people are shocked that Charlie Sheen is still alive let alone attending medical school, but he’s clearly impressed his fellow students. He’s an unorthodox rebel who rails against the rigid, uncaring traditions of the medical establishment and has set up a free clinic for unwed mothers in a Malibu condo. He’s pretty much become the Patch Adams of pussy.

Armed with only a speculum, a video camera and a bowl of cocaine, Sheen treats women as they gyrate around the stripper pole he’s installed in his examining room. He even throws in a free breast exam, though he hasn’t yet formally studied tit medicine.

Charlie Sheen’s rebellious streak isn’t only directed at the powers that be in the medical world but also at the gender politics that oppress women. He decries the inequality that females face in society.

“Because of the sick, misogynistic world we live in,” Charlie Sheen said, “all women are forced to become either porn stars or prostitutes. And those professions can be particularly tough on the pussy.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that all women are not in fact either porn stars or prostitutes, the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

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Exclusive: Larry King Talking Into A Breadstick At The Olive Garden

October 5, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Bonnie Hunt just brought me a Chicken Marsala. (Image by Chad J. McNeeley.)

He was once one of the most highly paid and ill-prepared hosts on television, but these days Larry King is known as that creepy old guy at the Olive Garden who keeps trying to interview people with a breadstick. When a group from the office is trying to celebrate someone’s birthday, Larry King plops himself down and tells them that they are on the air with Ryan Secrest, even though they’re not.

The manager at the Olive Garden was sort of thrilled the first time Larry King walked into the restaurant. You don’t see too many celebrities there. He took a photo with Larry King and hung it on the wall. But now he pretty much calls the police as soon as Larry King pulls into the parking lot.

Hot, tasty microphones.

Larry King thinks his waitress is Lady Gaga. Yeah, his waitress is blond, but she’s also a 48-year-old mother of five. He probably should realize the difference. Larry just asked his waitress if she wrote “Poker Face” because she likes playing poker. She just wants to take his order and finish her shift, but Larry King finds her “entrancing, one of her generation’s most exciting performers.”

Larry King thinks the kitchen is his dressing room, and he hangs out in his underpants and regales the cooks with stories of his days running around Miami with Jackie Gleason. Most of them are trying to put poison in his Lasagna Classico. They long for his death.

Larry King really needs this Olive Garden gig to work out, even though it’s not really a gig. He stares out of the window in fear that Anderson Cooper or Piers Morgan is arriving. But it’s just the police, so he quickly pulls on his trousers.

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    Shocker: Glenn Beck Uncovers Socialist Threat

    September 14, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Glenn Beck: It's Murray Sunshine who threatens our very way of life. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

    He may be controversial, but you have to give that fat-necked scumbag Glenn Beck some credit. While the necrophiliacs in our so-called government are busy spending tax dollars on flag-burning fluid and members of the liberal media are having gay orgies on gunboats, Beck has singlehandedly uncovered one of the most dastardly socialist threats our country has seen in decades. And the most stunning news of all is that menace is present on our own land.

    After tireless research on the computer in his office during a coffee break, Beck spent half of a recent episode of his Fox News show outing 92-year-old New York City resident Murray Sunshine as a dangerous radical on par with Osama bin Laden and the Taliban. Sunshine, a retired upholsterer who for decades did volunteer work as a community organizer, is apparently determined to destroy our sacred ideals.

    “This Murray guy is a one-man Al-Qaeda, but the liberal elite doesn’t report it.” Beck said. “He’s the kind of dangerous operative leading the Obama Administration around on a leash. He is now infiltrating the government as he has previously infiltrated the education and legal systems. He is a threat to our once-great nation, which already needed to have its honor restored.”

    Murray Sunshine: I met Gus Hall once. He wasn't as tall as you might think.

    For his part, Sunshine isn’t denying the charges that he’s a card-carrying member of the Socialist Party, even taking out his wallet and showing the card to representatives of the media who gathered outside his Bensonhurst apartment.

    “Oh sure, I’m a socialist,” Sunshine said with a smile, an evil socialist smile. “I have been forever. I still like to sit in the diner and read my Weekly Worker. And I have several buttons with slogans about laborers uniting.”

    For many years, Sunshine registered voters in poor communities, trying to allow them a representative voice in their government, probably pleasing Castro to no end. He also worked in soup kitchens, gave out free turkeys at Thanksgiving and was active in maintaining a neighborhood public garden. Sometimes he would attempt to converse with recent Dominican immigrants in Spanish Harlem about Karl Marx and they would look at him funny.

    It began to rain and as the reporters dispersed, Sunshine offered them an umbrella and bus fare, just the way Stalin taught him to.

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    Shocker: Snooki Sentenced To Death By Drowning

    September 9, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Snooki: Judge threw the book at her. She didn't read it. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    That fucking idiot Snooki received a surprisingly harsh sentence today in her disorderly conduct case when the Judge ordered that she be executed by drowning on the beach at Seaside Heights on Christmas Day. It’s going to be really freezing when she sinks into the ocean and the life drains from her body.

    The moron has no idea what the sentence means. When she heard the verdict, she was piss drunk and had just hit her head on the ceiling of a tanning bed. She thinks it may have something to do with drowning as many cocktails as she can. The one positive is that she probably won’t even know what is happening as the executioner leads her into the water in front of a large crowd of gawking slobs.

    Local Seaside Heights merchants are thrilled about the forthcoming holy day execution because they thought Labor Day would be the last time this year they’d profit from the disgusting behavior displayed on Jersey Shore. Originally, they were angered that their town was depicted in such a disgraceful way, but once everyone starting making money, the moral outrage quickly subsided.

    Executioner's hood is no protection from Bon Jovi music. (Image by Piotrus.)

    But no one is more thrilled about the drowning than MTV and its parent company Viacom. They’re going to broadcast the killing live and think they can sell ads at several times the usual price–maybe even at Super Bowl rates! A colorful assortment of derelicts will be on hand to drink gasoline during the pre-game show. And Bon Jovi is going to perform at halftime. They’ll do that song they do about the working-class couple with the dreams.

    After Snooki sinks and dies, a crane is going to lift her bloated corpse from the water so that her body can be stuffed by a taxidermist. If you want to have a look at the stuffed Snooki, it’s going to cost you a quarter. But having sex with her remains will run you fifty cents. In a heartwarming twist, Viacom has promised that part of the proceeds from the necrophilia will go toward rebuilding the town dump.

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    Mr. Trump Is Indeed A Very Classy Individual

    August 23, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Mr. Trump: Paint those tits green, ASAP. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

    I think we can all agree that gorgeous women in skimpy bikinis and high heels is neither sexy enough nor classy enough in this advanced day and age. They need to whip out their breasts and slap some paint on those hooters.

    Thankfully, a first-class individual like Mr. Trump has remedied this problem. Mr. Trump and NBC own the Miss Universe pageant, and they recently released a series of photos and videos that have contestants posed topless with their bare breasts painted a variety of colors, which is a blatant rip-off of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It caused an uproar, but it really is tough to tell which woman is the most beautiful unless you’ve seen her funbags when they’re maroon.

    A lot of people thought the stunt was just more of the same crass, stupid, egotistical hoopla that Mr. Trump engages in, which allows him to create faux controversies and get publicity for his mediocre entertainments and garish buildings and casinos. But they don’t understand how classy Mr. Trump is.

    Anyhow, breast-painting is just the start of the changes that will make the Miss Universe pageant even classier. Contestants will also be required to hump a stripper pole, have their beavers shaved on live television and go down on a cucumber. “The contestants who compete at Miss Universe are diverse and they represent more than 82 countries around the globe,” said a representative for Mr. Trump and NBC, defending the contest’s changes. “Many of their cultures embrace the idea of nasty ho’s with bald pussies. We have to be culturally sensitive and respect that.” To this point, fisting and genital mutilation have been discussed, but no final decision has been made.

    Miss Chloe needs to get her hoo-haa vajazzled. (Image by Pleple2000.)

    Improvements instituted in this year’s Miss Universe pageant may even make it to the world of show dogs if a rumored sale of the Westminster Kennel Club is finalized, and Mr. Trump and NBC gain control of the canine contest. The deal is apparently very close to fruition and everyone is hoping for the best. Westminster is a fierce competition held each year at Madison Square Garden, but it lacks the sizzle and sex appeal it needs if it is going to be the kind of first-rate contest that someone like Mr. Trump demands. Preliminary reports say that from now on beagles will be forced to have their nutsacs pierced and that cockapoos will be dressed in bondage gear. It will be very classy indeed.

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    Decoder: Recent Comments From Critics Of The So-Called Ground Zero Mosque

    August 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Sarah Palin: Dr. Laura's wingwoman. (Image by David Shankbone.)

    Sarah Palin tweet: Mr. President, why are they so set on marking an area w/ mosque steps from what you described, in agreement with many, as “hallowed ground”?

    Decoder: It’s amusing that I suddenly think New York has hallowed ground. Since gaining national recognition, I’ve made it clear time and again that I have only disdain for New York City, that I think it’s less American than other places in the country. But the second it became politically expedient to think New York City contains hallowed ground, I was happy to play my cards from that end of the deck.

    Sarah Palin: Nobody argues that the freedom of religion that the Muslims have [permits them] to build that mosque somewhere.

    Decoder: Yes, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion “somewhere.” Maybe in Trenton or someplace like that. Secaucus–that’s a good place for religious freedom.

    Newt Gingrich: You know, Nazis don’t have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There’s no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center.

    Decoder: I’ve just compared Muslim-Americans who haven’t broken any laws to Nazis. Abridging the rights of Muslim-Americans today because we are at war with Al-Qaeda is no different in principle than Japanese-Americans being denied rights during WWII.

    Terrorists want you to eat this delicious, delicious sandwich.

    Newt Gingrich: America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization.

    Decoder: Some guy just opened a falafel stand not four miles from where I live. It’s like Pearl Harbor with chickpeas.

    Rep. Peter King: There are too many mosques in America.

    Decoder: I have already tried to say this comment was taken out of context, but the unedited video makes it clear that it wasn’t. I am a sad and prejudiced man.

    President Obama: I was not commenting and I will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to put a mosque there. I was commenting very specifically on the right people have that dates back to our founding. That’s what our country is about.

    Decoder: I was being more honest and accurate when I said, “Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable.” But then some Democrats who are running for reelection this fall gave Rahm Emmanuel an earful, so I had to backtrack somewhat. I should stick to defending the Constitution.

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    Exclusive: Snooki Running For Mayor Of Wasilla

    August 16, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Campaign slogan: Wanna fuck? (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    Because every antisocial, opportunistic cretin contributing nothing to society feels compelled to run for Mayor of Wasilla, Snooki has just announced she’s throwing her snatch into the ring.

    Snooki has an unusual platform that has nothing to do with improving Wasilla’s primary school education or eldercare services. She plans to woo voters by giving a blowjob in public to a giraffe shipped in from the Alaska Zoo. It might sound strange, but there’s a method to her madness. Wasilla is a hardscrabble town that could use a great mayor to help it cope with the many social problems it’s facing, but short of that the locals need someone to make them feel better about themselves. Snooki blowing a giraffe will achieve that latter goal because it will enable the citizens of Wasilla to feel superior, since they won’t be the ones who’ll have giraffe semen in their mouths. Even though no one asked her to, Snooki has even volunteered to swallow the quadruped ejaculate. People are willing to give her handkerchiefs to spit into, but she won’t hear of it.

    For his part, Levi isn’t giving up without a battle. He’s agreed to finger the house pets (dogs, cats, ferrets, etc.) of any MILF who is willing to throw her vote his way. He has, however, asserted that he will not use his tongue on them. That could hurt him with swing voters, but no one will know for sure until Election Day. The one thing we do know for certain is the people who are considering creating a reality show that has Levi running a sham campaign for mayor of Wasilla are college graduates who should definitely know better. But they care nothing for the welfare of the people in the small Alaskan town.

    There'll also be assplay. (Image by Hans Hillewaert.)

    MTV and its parent company Viacom are being very supportive of Snooki’s mayoral aspirations, because they’re not multi-billion dollar corporations just using the Jersey Shore cast members to make large sums of money before discarding them like trash. People might think that’s what’s happening, but it’s totally not. For instance, if one of the Jersey Shore kids should contract HIV from one of the drunken hook-ups that MTV and its parent company Viacom enables and encourages, the network will no doubt be there for them.

    And MTV and and its parent company Viacom have a sense of responsibility that goes far beyond just the cast, extending to the millions of young viewers who may emulate the disgusting behavior displayed on the show. The program is popular with a very young demographic, and let’s face it, not all of those tweens and young teens who watch have great parental guidance. Should the show inspire some of them to behave promiscuously and get an STD, maybe even AIDS, the corporations will definitely intercede and help them emotionally and financially, especially if they need expensive hospice care. Anything less would be incredibly negligent.

    It’s not easy for executives at MTV and Viacom these days because they all keep having the same recurring nightmare. It goes something like this: After cashing their paychecks for Season 3, the Jersey Shore cast members realize they’re going to be replaced by cheaper dummies the following year anyhow, so they decide to not put their health at risk for what is actually a small amount of money. They all conspire to give up drinking and behaving like pigs and instead go to libraries and do charity work for people in need. MTV and Viacom execs all wake up in a panic just as the kids become good citizens.

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    Decoder: Republicans Campaign To Extend The Bush Tax Cuts For The Wealthy

    August 12, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Sarah Palin: Recently outwitted by a salmon. (Image byTherealbs2002.)

    Sarah Palin: You don’t take money from the private sector and grow government with it and that’s exactly what Obama has in mind with this expiration of Bush tax cuts proposal of his. His commitment to let previous tax cuts expire will lead to even fewer job opportunities for Americans.

    Decoder: If these tax cuts for the wealthy, which have been around for nearly ten years, are so good at creating jobs, why has job creation declined during that time? Before they existed, during the Clinton years, job creation was much better.

    Sarah Palin: [Letting the Bush tax cuts expire] is going to result in the largest tax increase in U.S. history and again it’s idiotic and my palm isn’t large enough to write all my notes down on what this tax increase will result in. [I’ve written on my hand that it will raise taxes] 3.8 trillion over the next ten years so I didn’t say 3.7 trillion and get dinged by the liberals saying I didn’t know what I was talking about.

    Decoder: Of course, the liberals could say that I’m a lying, resentment-filled jackass who has a cheat sheet written on her hand like a small child.

    Sarah Palin: [The more] job creators are taxed, the fewer dollars they have to reinvest in their own businesses and hire more people the worse it is for more Americans.

    Decoder: Most of the people who will lose these tax cuts for the wealthy aren’t job creators, they’re bankers and brokers. If you give bankers and brokers extra spending money, most of the jobs they will create are in the cocaine and prostitution sectors.

    Bush tax cuts: Creating jobs. (Image by Tomas Castelazo.)

    John McCain: I think the worst thing we can do to the American people during these tough economic times is raise taxes which is what the effect of the expiration of the Bush tax cuts would be.

    Decoder: But this is what I said about these same Bush tax cuts in 2001: “I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief.”

    Senator Mitch MocConnell: The only way you narrow the deficit is to get the private sector moving again.

    Decoder: Or you could let the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy expire. That would reduce the deficit by roughly 30%. That would work, too.

    Rep. John Boehner: The only way we’re going to get our economy going again and solve our budget problems is to get the economy moving.

    Decoder: I was supposed to say the same thing as Mitch McConnell, but I’m such a moron I can’t even deliver rehearsed lines.

    Rep. John Boehner: What we have to do is we have to get our arms around the spending spree that’s going on in Washington, D.C.

    Decoder: Like, for instance, tax cuts for wealthy people.

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    NFL Rule Changes: Kidnappings Now Permissible

    August 9, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

    NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: I was just really tired of suspending everyone. (Image by Bradley Lail.)

    The NFL Rules Committee recently met and have made some changes to modernize America’s favorite sport and make it even more reprehensible. Commissioner Roger Goodell was tired of reprimanding everyone in football anyhow, so he decided to say fuck the rules to reduce the number of player suspensions and fan arrests. Dogfighting, gun and drug possession, beating up strippers, ticket holders behaving like boxcar hobos and players experiencing brain damage is just the beginning. Shit’s gonna get effed up, people!

    For one thing, kidnapping is now legal. If the other team has a player who’s really making it difficult for your team to win the game, your guys can get some guns and rope and kidnap that player from the opposing sidelines. Then they can have that player beg for mercy before the cameras to psyche out the other team. Fans will not only be able to bet money they don’t have on game outcomes but also on which players will emerge from their kidnappings alive.

    Players will no longer wear helmets. They’re getting brain damaged already anyhow, but it’s happening in a way that’s subtle, gradual and not entertaining. Now they’ll be a chance to literally see some of the damaged brains, should they ooze from a player’s gashed, bloody head. CT scans of the injured skulls will be taken as soon as players are carted off the field, and the head X-rays will be displayed on the scoreboard along with other stats.

    Who wants to pistol-whip the free safety? (Image by Belinda Hankins Miller.)

    Officials will be required to carry firearms, though they will only be able to use them to murder players at non-skill positions. If an official accidentally kills a quarterback or running back, he in turn will also be murdered. These executions will occur at mid-field via lethal injection, which will be administered by the referee the condemned official was least friendly with. Announcers will be encouraged to use profanities and talk trash about former announcers who have recently passed away. Those losers were weak and cowardly and their grieving families should know.

    Only fans have been able to get disgustingly drunk during games in the past, but players will now be permitted to drink booze and smoke weed on the sidelines. The liquor they drink will, however, have to be made by an NFL sponsor. It’s a great way to raise revenue through product placement. Cheerleaders are being replaced by prostitutes, who will provide players and coaches with blowjobs and quickies at halftime. Fans will likewise be permitted to have sex in the stands between halves, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes or purchase prostitutes from the concession stand. Fans who have grown too obese to perform sexually will be able to watch a porno on the Jumbotron so that they can remember what arousal felt like.

    The NFL will be much more interactive since fans will help determine when games are over. The 60-minute playing time will no longer be observed. Games will continue until 100 players and/or spectators have died from cardiac arrest or alcohol poisoning. The team with the most points at that juncture will win, and the deceased will be buried in a mass grave beneath the 30-yard line before carrion can have at them.

    Are you ready for some football?

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    Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle

    August 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Sharron Angle: Photo fuzzy, as is her reasoning. (Image by Steve Wainstead.)

    Sharron Angle: We need people to really stand for faith and trust, not hope and change.

    Decoder: By telling people to not vote for change, I seem to be encouraging them to support my opponent, the incumbent Harry Reid. That can’t be good for me.

    Sharron Angle: Harry Reid is a consummate politician.

    Decoder: Unlike me. I’m a total stumblefuck.

    Sharron Angle: And these programs that you mentioned–that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward–are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment.

    Decoder: Why wait to see if I’m elected before blurring the line between church and state?

    Sharron Angle: I know people are very frightened about what’s going on in this country.

    Decoder: Most of them are frightened of me.

    Sharron Angle: Harry Reid’s plan to save the Nevada economy is coked-up stimulus monkeys.

    Decoder: I’m trying to twist a legitimate university drug-research project that involves monkeys into a scandal for my political gain. According to the Washington Post: “Bonnie Davis, a spokeswoman for The Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, told ABC the ‘small grant has helped protect very important research that will have significant impact on public health in regards to cocaine addiction and the issue of relapse.'”

    Please do not stop your cocaine research. I love science so very much. (Image by Jorge Perez.)

    Sharron Angle: [Harry Reid] reinvents himself at each one of his elections.

    Decoder: This time he’s running as the person who’s not the crazy lady.

    Sharron Angle: We know that once we have a majority that are dependent upon the government, we will lose our freedom.

    Decoder: But think of all the extra time we’ll have. We won’t have to rush around when buying cocaine for our monkeys.

    Sharron Angle: We need to have the press be our friend. We want them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.

    Decoder: The press will probably never be my friend, but Harry Reid seems to like me more every time I open my mouth.

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    Exclusive: Huge Changes Ahead For America Idol

    August 3, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Gen. Petraeus: You sing like Cher after she's been to a Taliban dentist.

    The news is everywhere that a shakeup has gone down behind the scenes at American Idol. With ratings starting to decline and Simon leaving the program, producers knew that they had to take some drastic measures.

    So, judges Ellen and Kara are out and replacing them will be J-Lo and Steven Tyler. What hasn’t been reported is that General Petraeus will also be joining the show as a judge. Already assigned with the twin burdens of successfully completing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Petraeus will be expected to rescue the disaster that Idol has become.

    Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri: Your pants are on the ground, infidel.

    Some people think Petraeus is too nice like Ellen, but this is a four-star general who is used to talking tough with some of the most evil terrorists in the world. If you sing a song and you sound like a bunch of cats murdering a bird, Petraeus isn’t going to lie to you.

    He’s also up for the ratings challenge. “We will pursue Dancing with the Stars relentlessly,” Petraeus said at a press conference. “We will target them and their leaders. We will fight hard and with discipline until we reach our achievable goals.”

    In order to further liven things up, Ryan Seacrest has been let go to make room for new host, Al-Qaeda member Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri. Unlike Ellen, this enemy combatant is definitely not too nice. In fact, he’s a terrorist hellbent on destroying Western culture. The banter between Al-Marri and Petraeus will no doubt be deliciously bitchy. Fox has its fingers crossed.

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    Environmental Disaster In Gulf Worsens In July As…Oh Wait, Snooki Just Crapped Her Pants!

    July 26, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Snooki: The turlet was all the way over there. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    Something really bad was happening to the environment recently, but then Snooki crapped her pants. She’s the best! It happened either on a boardwalk or in a parking garage–there are conflicting reports. It wasn’t an accident if that’s what you’re thinking. Snooki can control her bowel movements; she just chose not to. Having been rewarded handsomely for sub-literate, antisocial behavior, she feels like she needs to constantly up the ante. And anyhow the bathroom was about 40 feet away, so why not just use her clothes as a toilet and do something to entertain her many fans.

    According to eyewitness accounts, Snooki had downed some booze and a veal parm a few hours earlier and felt she needed to evacuate her intestines, so that she could be light on her feet during a planned broken beer bottle fight with another woman. Despite her diminutive size, Snooki craps like a herd of alpacas. Her thong couldn’t catch the poop, and it oozed out onto the ground. The Smithsonian has called about it; they’d like to acquire the stool and permanently keep it floating in one of the museum’s toilets. It’s just like when they acquired Fonzie’s leather jacket if Fonzie’s leather jacket had been made of feces.

    Only losers use them. (Image by Downtowngal.)

    Everyone has been tweeting about Snooki dropping a deuce in her pants and fans are making a pilgrimage to the Jersey Shore to see it for themselves. The dung has been roped off to protect it from being stolen, but the masses can get close enough so that they can take photos in front of it.

    People who watch her TV show claim to like Snooki, but it’s unlikely they would ever want to trade places with her. It seems they just enjoy laughing at someone who makes them feel superior. But what kind of message does that send to children who might think they can thrive by acting like pigs rather than developing their minds. Democracy can’t survive without an informed citizenry and …oh wait, The Situation just pissed himself! There are conflicting reports, but it happened either on a bar stool or in a bowling alley. He’s the best!

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    Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Comments About Potentially Losing His Sight In A Year

    July 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Glenn Beck: Breathes through his ass. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

    Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.

    Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.

    Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.

    Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.

    Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”

    Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.

    Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…

    Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.

    Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.

    Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.

    Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.

    Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.

    J.C.: That breakfast burrito isn't sitting right, Glenny. (Image by Jack Merridew.)

    Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…

    Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.

    Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.

    Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.

    Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.

    Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.

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    Lindsay Thinks She’s In A Really Lousy Airport

    July 22, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Lindsay: I'd like a window seat.

    Lindsay doesn’t know she’s in jail, so you probably shouldn’t mention it to her if you happen to wind up in the cell next to hers. She just thinks she’s in a very bad airport, like, the worst one she’s ever been in. Her lawyers didn’t want to bum her out, so they didn’t really tell her the whole truth and stuff. Maybe they should have.

    Lindsay thinks the plane must be very delayed. Perhaps there was a bad storm or something. And to make matters worse, this crappy airport has no magazine stand where she can buy an Us Weekly and a Red Bull. It’s odd that all the Passenger Service Agents have guns and handcuffs and the Ground Crew gives her strip searches, but in this age of terrorism, you can’t be too careful.

    The plane will be here soon, pumpkin. (Image by Glenn Francis.)

    Lindsay thinks it’s good of the airline to give her free food and a place to sleep while she waits for her plane, but the meals and accommodations are pretty subpar. She hopes the plane will get here soon because waiting around is such a drag. Lindsay isn’t sure where the plane she’s waiting for is going, but she hopes it’s someplace really cool. Maybe she’ll be making a movie there or hosting a party or something.

    Sometimes Lindsay wishes she could fly without an airplane. Then she wouldn’t have to wait around for anyone. She would just flap her arms and soar into the sky where everything is quiet and peaceful and blue. There would be birds to talk to and she could get close enough to the rainbows to touch them. And it would be just completely great and make her really happy if all the clouds she flew into were made of marshmallows and vanilla ice cream and crystal meth.

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    That Dick Cheney Sex Tape Finally Surfaces

    July 21, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    The fans respond. (Image by Landii.)

    That Dick Cheney sex tape that’s been rumored to be out there for a while has finally emerged on the Internet. It’s not great quality video footage–kind of grainy–but you can clearly see it’s the former Vice President.

    Some people think that Cheney’s political enemies have released the tape to embarrass him, but others believe that Cheney himself has leaked the video to boost his popularity. Nobody has any sympathy for him even though he has a ferret heart and arteries fashioned from a vacuum cleaner bag. Maybe having a sex tape in circulation will improve his standing with the public like it did for that Kardashian woman.

    I’ve already had a look at the footage and it’s as graphic as you might expect. It’s certainly not for the squeamish, as there’s no pixelation. Cheney likes using his mouth a lot on the private parts and he’s really into doing it doggy style. He seems unduly proud of his blotchy skin and tiny wang. There’s a tattoo of a scorpion on his ass. He sneers throughout.

    Cheney: Fuck me harder.

    You have to give the former Veep credit for being pretty athletic considering he lacks a pulse and a heartbeat and shit. During the climactic scene, Cheney appears to ejaculate bat blood instead of semen. It’s possible it’s snake venom, but it really looks to have the texture and consistency of bat blood. I don’t know for sure; I’m not a bat scientist.

    If the video goes viral, then perhaps Cheney will get to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars or maybe decide to run for the Presidency in 2012. Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who’s done soft-core photo spreads and videos, can be his running mate. Obama only does tasteful topless shots, so they’d have that advantage over him.

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    Decoder: Recent Positive Comments By Leading Republicans About George W. Bush’s Legacy

    July 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Sen. John Cornyn: Also fondly recalls his 2006 colonoscopy.

    Sen. John Cornyn: Bush’s stock has gone up a lot since he left office.

    Decoder: I mean the stock market has gone up a lot since he left office. It tanked during his administration. When it comes to Bush’s own stock as a leader, 71% of Americans who were recently polled by Time think Bush’s policies were responsible for the Great Recession.

    Sen. John Cornyn: I think a lot of people are looking back with a little–with more fondness on President Bush’s administration.

    Decoder: Even I can’t believe we’re going to try to push the Bush administration as the “good old days.” The Siena Research Institute recently released a poll of leading Presidential scholars and W. was named as the worst President of modern times and one of the worst in U.S. history.

    Rep. Pete Sessions: We need to go back to the exact same agenda that is empowering the free enterprise system rather than diminishing it.

    W.: Available for children's parties.

    Decoder: Having so little regulation is what led us into this colossal financial mess. Why would return to that exact same agenda? Why not try something better?

    Rep. Pete Sessions: People had jobs when Republicans were not only in charge but George Bush was there.

    Decoder: Well, weapons inspectors had jobs, but we didn’t actually use them. Most other people lost their jobs when Bush was President.

    Sen John Cornyn: I think history will treat [George W. Bush] well.

    Decoder: WMDs; Iraq War; “Mission Accomplished”; waterboarding; America despised abroad; attempts to destroy Social Security; “Heckuva job, Brownie”; economic collapse; relentless partisanship; the failure to pronounce the word “nuclear”; etc.

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    Decoder: Sarah Palin Defends The Tea Party Against Charges Of Racism From The NAACP

    July 16, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Sarah Palin: Community organizers deserve to be mocked by a celebrity loudmouth. (Image by Tricia Ward.)

    Sarah Palin: I am saddened by the NAACP’s claim that patriotic Americans who stand up for the United States of America’s Constitutional rights are somehow “racists.”

    Decoder: It’s merely a coincidence that a group of white citizens discovered that there is corruption in Washington at the very second that the first African-American President took office. And the Birther movement, which I’ve encouraged, that states Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen has nothing to do with seeing him as illegitimate because of his race.

    Sarah Palin: This is some typical divisive politics that is so absolutely unnecessary.

    Decoder: Everything I do is about being divisive. When I stood up at the Republican National Convention and mocked young people who work as community organizers, trying to bring some hope to our poorest communities, that was divisive. When I tried to sidetrack health-care reform with the death-panel nonsense, that was divisive. When I told tea Party members to “don’t retreat, reload,” I was being divisive.

    Sarah Palin: The Tea Party Movement is a beautiful movement, full of diverse people.

    Decoder: Some of the white Tea Party members are tall and some not as tall.

    With liberty and justice for all. (Image by dbking.)

    Sarah Palin: Both Todd and I were raised to measure a person according to their capacity and willingness to love, work, forgive, contribute, and show good character.

    Decoder: But I outgrew that stuff and became a resentment-driven, lying, accusatory selfish creep.

    Sarah Palin: I know how Tea Party Americans feel to be falsely accused

    Decoder: I was once accused of not being a complete tool. False.

    Sarah Palin: [The Tea Party is made up of] folks of all walks of life who, for the most part, happen to oppose President Obama’s policies. Not the color of his skin. They don’t care that he’s half-white or half-black.

    Decoder: They don’t care about the half-white part.

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    Shocking Ending On The Office This Season: Michael Scott To Be Brutally Murdered

    July 16, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    Blood everywhere. (Image by Greg Hernandez.)

    It’s been reported elsewhere that the Michael Scott character is exiting from The Office at the end of this season, but we’ve learned exclusively that his departure will be as the result of a particularly brutal murder. The shocking crime is to occur at the hands of Meredith, Dunder-Mifflin’s troubled Supplier Relations representative, whose deeply rooted personal problems have long been a source of mirth.

    In the episode, Michael will be collecting his personal effects at approximately five in the afternoon, preparing to head home to his condo after another day at the Scranton branch when he is accosted by a knife-wielding Meredith, who is no longer able to cover up her pain with alcoholism and promiscuity. Having felt the sting once too often of Michael’s cruel taunts about her physical unattractiveness, Meredith lunges at him and can’t stop stabbing until her mania subsides minutes later. The warehouse guys have their hands full trying to clean up the mess.

    No man will harm me again. (Image by Angela George.)

    Although Pennsylvania maintains the death penalty, very few murderers are executed, so it’s possible Meredith will escape lethal injection. She had displayed the type of aberrant behavior in regards to alcohol and sex that people engage in to try to mollify acute suffering. This pattern of behavior most likely resulted from some trauma or abuse that occurred in childhood, and no one should have been making light of it.

    In a subplot, smirking prankster Jim decides to use the situation to irk thick-headed rival Dwight, placing Michael’s decapitated head on his desk and challenging his co-worker to defeat it in a staring contest. “Fact,” says Dwight, “If you put pennies on my eyes, I will simply blink and knock them off whereas a disembodied head will not be able to do so.” Dwight eventually takes the bait, but office tight-ass Angela becomes irritated with Jim, telling him that “it’s hard enough working here after the slaying and you keep making it harder.” That’s what she said.

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    Decoder: Newt Gingrich’s Recent Comments About President Obama

    July 13, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Newt Gingrich: Moonlights as a scarecrow. (Image by Pete Souza.)

    Newt Gingrich: [President Obama] is not like Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton was an Arkansas, Southern Baptist, sort of understood middle Americans. While he had some Yale overtones of being liberal, the truth is Bill Clinton was quite happy to move to the right.

    Decoder: What’s funny is during the 1990s, I called Bill Clinton an “enemy of normal” and painted him as a radical, a socialist and an extremist. So I was either lying about him then or I’m lying now. Also: If I thought Bill Clinton was really a middle-of-the road guy, why did I spend so much time trying to force him out of office? That kind of makes it look  like I’m a partisan windbag who’s not to be trusted.

    Newt Gingrich: The people [Obama] appoints are more radical than he is and less competent.

    Decoder: Hillary Clinton, Janet Napolitano, Kathleen Sebelius and Sonia Sotomayor all seem like competent and reasonable people, but I disagree with them philosophically so I have to label them as radical rather than intelligently argue the issues.

    Newt Gingrich: [President Obama] is a disaster. His principles are fundamentally wrong.

    Decoder: My principles are the right ones. Like, remember how I used to lecture everyone about family values? All three of my wives agree that it was the right thing to do.

    Corncobs: Newt keeps us safe.

    Newt Gingrich: It’s fair to say that by February the groundwork will have been laid to consider seriously whether or not to run [for President]. I’ve never been so serious.

    Decoder: It’s fair to say that I threaten to run for President every six months or so because I love my ego very, very much.

    Newt Gingrich: I think likable is a word you have to think about a lot. If people believe their country is in trouble, they want a captain of the lifeboat, they don’t want a fraternity brother.

    Decoder: Even I know that I’m a hateful, hypocritical, lying sack of crap. I’m just hoping things get so bad that it won’t matter. Maybe if there’s a plague of frogs or an apocalypse.

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    New Weekly Program Coming Soon To ESPN: Lebron James Discusses His Pecker Variety Hour

    July 11, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

    Lebron James: South Beach has much better pecker weather than Cleveland.

    Coming off the ratings bonanza of Lebron James’ The Decision show, in which he revealed which NBA team he would play for next, ESPN has greenlighted the latest program idea from Camp Lebron, a show that has the newest member of the Miami Heat discussing his pecker. While James’ ego was somewhat satisfied by the non-stop attention from journalists and billionaire team owners and his ability to talk about his “talents” in front of millions of people, there was precious little time left for him to discuss his pecker. James is hoping the new show will remedy that oversight and help his pecker build a global brand.

    ESPN President George Bodenheimer quickly cleared the programming slate when he found out Lebron and his pecker were available, especially since King James agreed to donate proceeds from the ad sales of his program to charity. “Not only will this be groundbreaking programming,” Bodenheimer said from ESPN headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut, “but just think of the good Greenpeace can do with all that pecker money.”

    Host Jim Gray will be on hand to ask Lebron tough questions about his pecker’s life on and off the court. The program will be immediately followed by Charles Barkley’s Vampire Disco Bullfight Execution Hour, in which the former forward will get effed up and just wing it.

     

    Charles Barkley: I decide which matadors get to live. 

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    Thank You, BestMax@padhit.ru, For The Spam Email That You Just Sent To The Afflictor Inbox

    July 9, 2010 in Humor, Misc. | Permalink

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    Decoder: Rush Limbaugh Accuses President Obama Of Willfully Harming The Country

    July 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

    Rush Limbaugh: Feeling no pain in his 2006 Palm Beach booking photo.

    Rush Limbaugh: We’re now governed by people who do not like the country, who do not have the same reverence for it that we do. Our greatest threat (and this is saying something) is internal.

    Decoder: I can’t just disagree with Obama on the issues. I can’t simply say that I favor deregulation and other facets of an unfettered free-market system because even though such policy can lead to periods of economic turmoil, it is the best way to foster wealth creation in the long term. I need to demonize Obama with ridiculous ad hominem attacks because I have made my living catering to a base of simpleminded hatemongers.

    Rush Limbaugh: [Obama’s] going to do everything in his power to help our economy create jobs? You mean like shutting down offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska that’s going to wipe out a hundred thousand jobs?  Is that what you mean?  You mean all the other regulations that you are placing on other areas of business that are going to result in a loss of jobs?

    Decoder: Actually it was a lack of regulations that allowed banks to sink our economy and ruin the job market and likely also led to the Gulf oil disaster. And if anything, Obama has been reluctant to step up regulations in the financial sector.

    Rush Limbaugh: We have plenty of external threats, enemies across oceans, but we have a threat inside as well.

    Decoder: Well, I do, anyhow. It’s called my heart. I’ve ingested a lot of pizza delivery and pain pills in my day.

    That'll be $22.50, Butterbean. (Image by Axelv.)

    Rush Limbaugh: Bill Clinton and Hillary were and are pedal-to-the-metal liberals.  But they didn’t want to destroy things. This bunch does.

    Decoder: If Hillary Clinton had won the Presidency, I would be accusing her of willfully destroying the country as payback for sexism.

    Rush Limbaugh: It is exactly how I think Obama looks at the country: It’s payback time. I think that he’s been raised, educated, and believes on his own that this country has been (as you know) immoral and unjust…we have become as large as we are not because of any uniqueness or exceptionalism or greatness but because we’ve simply discriminated against the real people that made the country work, all the minorities…there’s no question that payback is what this administration is all about, presiding over the decline of the United States of America, and doing so happily.

    Decoder: Obama wants to purposely harm the country because he thinks white people need to be taught a lesson for a slavery, and that is why he ruined the economy. Except, of course, the economy collapsed under a white Republican President who I endorsed and supported. Oh, whatever. I just say stupid, irresponsible crap and people give me bags of money.

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    Despite Bitter Breakup, Bachelor Jake And Vienna To Continue Their Joint Cancer Research

    July 7, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

    These cancer researchers will soon have Bachelor Jake and Vienna back in the fold. (Image by Quintote.)

    Despite seeming to be two of the more useless sacks of shit on the planet, Bachelor Jake and Vienna have been secretly using their well-hidden intelligence for several years to try to find a cure for cancer. Many in the medical-research field were worried that the pair’s bitter public breakup might cause them to abruptly halt their joint research, but that appears to not be the case. Even though Bachelor Jake has accused Vienna of trying to undermine and embarrass him and Vienna has insinuated that her former boyfriend is a fame whore who gets all woo-hoo in the underpants whenever a handsome guy walks by, the duo knows that they must continue their work for the good of humanity.

    Assume the position, Mr. Beano.

    “I’m so disgusted with Vienna,” acknowledges Jake. “She sold me out to a tabloid. But those bald, unattractive people really need us. I don’t feel like loving on Vienna anymore, but I will cure cancer with her.”

    Once the duo has licked this scourge of an illness, they plan on getting more attention any way they can, perhaps by fucking a horse in public.

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