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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Comments On Fox News Sunday

April 13, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Michele Bachmann: The second professional wrestler to be elected in Minnesota.

Michele Bachmann: This is the most radical President, and the most radical Speaker, and the most radical Senate leader we have ever seen in the history of the country.

Decoder: I know nothing about the history of the country.

Michele Bachmann: I mean, clearly, the country has never gone this far in taking over this much of the private economy. And it is changing the way that we’re doing business in the United States forever.

Decoder: I like to speak in paranoid extremes. It distracts from my inarticulateness and incoherence.

Michele Bachmann: If you look at the approval numbers for President Obama, he’s fallen faster and farther than any previous President in the polling.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings are pretty much even with Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in their first term.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think [the Republicans] are going to have a full bench of great candidates coming into 2012.

Decoder: There’s the resentful lady who can’t pronounce “nuclear,” the human woodblock Bobby Jindal, serial groom Newt Gingrich and bat-shit crazy Ron Paul.

Away from me, you vampiress!

Michele Bachmann: And I don’t know that we fully yet know who our frontrunner will be, although the results that came out yesterday point to Mitt Romney.

Decoder: He’s the one who spearheaded socialized health care in Massachusetts and was pro-choice until it wasn’t politically expedient anymore. But his hair is very Reaganesque.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think part of [the reason I’m a lightning rod] may be because when I talk about what is happening in Washington, D.C., I use the actual statements or comments or the data that Nancy Pelosi or President Obama or Harry Reid refer to.

Decoder: Or it could be because in 2008 I suggested that members of Congress should be investigated to determine if they’re “anti-American.”

Michele Bachmann: I’m really more about making sure that our nation follows our Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence.

Decoder: Unlike my political opponents, who want to tear up the Declaration of Independence and have the British rule America again. Wow, even by my low standards that statement was incredibly stupid.

Michele Bachmann: I see that our nation has strayed.

Decoder: Although I might be confusing our nation with Tiger Woods.

Michele Bachmann: I want to make sure that going forward we get back to our constitutional roots.

Decoder: Which allowed slavery and excluded women from having the vote. Those damned Amendments ruined everything!

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Decoder: Newt Gingrich’s Comments At The Southern Republican Leadership Conference

April 10, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Like a human duffel bag. (Photo by Pete Souza.)

Newt Gingrich: Obama is the most radical President in American history.

Decoder: Obama is actually a lot less radical than Ronald Reagan, but I’m not of the same political persuasion as Obama, so I will label him an extremist, whereas Reagan’s radicalism made him a “great leader.”

Newt Gingrich: Elections have consequences.

Decoder: It turns out that the person who garners the majority of the votes has the ability to govern in a way that is not afforded to the losing candidate. I must make a note of this fact on parchment with my quill pen and the blood of a small child.

Newt Gingrich: What we need is a President, not an athlete. Shooting three-point shots may be clever, but it doesn’t put anybody to work.

Decoder: Except for that guy Wayne who polishes the court. He’s the one with the small scar on his right cheek. You’ve probably seen him. He’s always around the Rec. Center somewhere. You go, Wayne!

Newt Gingrich: The longer Obama talks, the less the American people believe him.

Decoder: I speak from experience. America’s been tuning out my bullshit since 1996.

Newt Gingrich: Quite frankly, I’m tired of finding new ways to help [Americans] who aren’t working,

Decoder: These unemployed pigs should die in the streets. We can use their entrails as jump ropes. Maybe Wayne can paint the Rec. Center with their blood. Just thinking out loud, people.

Newt Gingrich: We will have a Republican Congress in January which will refuse to fund any of the radical efforts.

Decoder: Except that a large number of Americans don’t think Obama’s efforts are so radical. And if we stall funding based on partisanship, it will make us even less popular than we already are. If you recall, that time I shut down the government in 1995 didn’t turn out so well for us.

Newt Gingrich: Stage two of the end of Obamaism is that we must be prepared to offer in a positive way positive solutions that fit the values of the American people.

Decoder: Hypocritically judging the morality of others during my three marriages and numerous extramarital affairs has taught me a great deal about values.

Newt Gingrich: A Republican President and a Republican Congress in 2012 and 2013 will repeal every radical bill passed by this machine.

Decoder: Except for the ones that turn out to be popular. We’ll leave those alone to ensure our own careers. Just like we did with Medicare.

Newt Gingrich: Obama has now thrown down the gauntlet to the American people. He has said, “I run a machine, I own Washington and there’s nothing that you can do about it.”

Decoder: Though he might have just been talking to me. People talk to me that way sometimes because I am such a lying, hypocritical sack of shit.

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Decoder: Rudy Giuliani’s Recent Comments About President Obama In National Review

April 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Tough on crime and on the eyes.

Rudy Giuliani: President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs and have a peace symbol.

Decoder: I know Obama has been forceful militarily in the Middle East, but this tired old argument is the best I can do. Anyone who followed my jackass Presidential campaign knows how out of touch I am.

Rudy Giuliani: North Korea and Iran are not singing along with the President. Knowing that, it just doesn’t make sense why we would reduce our nuclear arms when we face these threats.

Decoder: Our nuclear and non-nuclear arsenal could destroy these countries many times over. And Obama has made those outlier nations exceptions to his nuclear rules.

Rudy Giuliani: The President doesn’t understand the concept of leverage.

Decoder: Like how I leveraged the horrible tragedy of 9/11 into great personal wealth for myself and my friends.

Rudy Giuliani: Leverage means the other guy has to be afraid of you.

Decoder: I manage through fear and intimidation because I know what an unlikable prick I am. Even my prostate despises me.

Rudy Giuliani: This President has taken so many steps backward in dealing with national security.

Decoder: For instance, he hasn’t accepted my recommendation that Bernie Kerik be Director of Homeland Security.

Rudy Giuliani: Beyond this nuclear policy, this is still an administration in a state of confusion about how to deal with terrorism.

Decoder: I know how to deal with terrorists. Business deals, I mean.

Rudy Giuliani: The [Obama administration has] shown an inability to make tough decisions. It’s not inconsequential how the President dithers over so many issues.

Decoder: I don’t dither. I make poor decisions quickly and I stick to them, no matter how stupid they are. That’s how I got to be President of parts of Broward County.

Rudy Giuliani: With Israel, [Obama] has been extremely hostile. His treatment of the Israeli Prime Minister [during his recent Washington visit] was shocking.

Decoder: Unless you read the newspapers. Then it’s not so shocking. Netanyahu embarrassed America during Biden‘s visit there in March. The tall man will ice you if you do that to him.

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Decoder: GOP Chairman Michael Steele’s Comments On Good Morning America About The Bondage Club Controversy

April 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Michael Steele: Fit to be tied.

Michael Steele: We have begun to put controls in place on some of our spending.

Decoder: We’ve rounded up the Republicans who spent excessively on bondage clubs and placed them in handcuffs. They will duly be spanked.

Michael Steele: A lot of our major donors are used to a particular type of event; we’ve been scaling those back.

Decoder: No fur on the handcuffs anymore. That’ll save some change. And we’ve downsized to a cat o’ eight tails. It’s slightly cheaper that way.

Michael Steele: Those 71% of Republicans who don’t like me, well, I understand that.

Decoder: I told you I would unite the party.

Michael Steele: Barack Obama has a slimmer margin for error [because he’s black]. A lot of us do. That’s just the reality of it.

Decoder: You know all those times I accused Obama of playing the race card? I was playing the bullshit card.

Michael Steele: I’m a little bit more streetwise and I’ve rubbed some feathers the wrong way.

Decoder: And some of those feathers were supposed to be used to tickle the handcuffed people. I apologize for rubbing them.

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Decoder: Dan Quayle’s Op-Ed About The Tea Party In The Washington Post

April 3, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Dan Quayle: Dumb before being dumb was an asset.

Dan Quayle: Many remember the Reform Party of the 1990s, which formed around the candidacy of Ross Perot. I sure do, because it eliminated any chance that President George H.W. Bush and I would prevail over Bill Clinton and Al Gore in 1992.

Decoder: Of course, the reality that a genius like me would continue to be a heartbeat from the Presidency didn’t help the ticket, either. I was like Palin with a penis.

Dan Quayle: Democrats in the White House and in Congress recognize [the Tea Party] for what it is–a spontaneous and pointed response to the Obama agenda.

Decoder: Obama’s agenda, especially his fiscal policies, favor these largely low-to-moderate income people, so maybe they don’t like him for other reasons.

Dan Quayle: Republican leaders still aren’t sure what to make of it, as tea partiers have risen on their own and stirred up trouble in GOP primaries.

Decoders: Republican leaders are sure of what to make of it. They’d like to use the Tea Party in an opportunistic way, but it’s too combustible.

Dan Quayle: Sometimes in politics it’s easier to recognize foes than friends, and this may be why Democrats have been quicker to figure out the movement’s potential.

Decoder: Spitting, racial slurs, Hitler posters and death threats are potential for something alright.

Dan Quayle: Democrats assumed they had redrawn the political map forever, and they took this as a mandate to remake the federal government forever. To the surprise of millions of their supporters, they plowed ahead with federal control over health care.

Decoder: It really was pretty surprising that a Presidential candidate actually followed through on a campaign promise after taking office.

Dan Quayle: There’s a well-worn path of third-party movements in American history, and it leads straight to a dead end.

Decoder: Speaking of dead ends, that’s where your political career heads if you pick arguments with sitcom characters.

Dan Quayle: The tea partiers are concerned, above all, with fiscal matters and national security.

Decoders: But not so much with spelling.

Dan Quayle briefly mentions that he is opposed to lawlessness by Tea Party protestors, but he mostly sees a golden opportunity. (Image by Sage Ross.)

Dan Quayle: Republican leaders between now and 2012 should reach out, as Sarah Palin has done, to an independent grass-roots movement whose energy and conviction the party badly needs.

Decoder: It will require a great deal of energy to drive a major political party completely into the ground.

Dan Quayle: Potential presidential contenders such as Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, John Thune and Bobby Jindal have records of serious reform that square with the tea party agenda, and in a general election they could draw tea party votes as part of a broad and victorious coalition.

Decoder: None of these people will ever be President, especially if they align themselves with scary fringe groups.

Dan Quayle: The movement has enlisted Americans of every background in political activism.

Decoder: Well, not every background. Pretty much just middle-aged and older white people. It’s like the audience at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert.

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann At The “Win Back Washington” Rally In Duluth, Minnesota

March 31, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

I won 47% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota, so I speak for all of America.

Michele Bachmann: On Sunday, on the Sabbath, that was when Speaker Pelosi decided we had to have the [health care] vote.

Decoder: Jesus is probably very pissed off that the day of the Sabbath was used to ensure health care for poor people. He would have stepped on their throats.

Michele Bachmann: Democrats said that they were called the N-word, which of course would be wrong and inappropriate, but no one has any record of it, no witness saw it and it’s not on camera. They said they were spat upon; I walked right through the gauntlet of where they were walking.

Decoder: People who support me didn’t spit at me or insult me, so they couldn’t have done those things to anyone else.

Michele Bachmann: Are you taxed enough already?

Decoder: I don’t mean by my shrill delivery and poor facility with the English language. I was talking about tariffs, silly.

Michele Bachmann: Obama is like a kid in a candy store.

Decoder: He’s like the tall kid in the candy store, trying to buy cigarettes with a fake ID.

Michele Bachmann: If we had a 9% corporate tax, a 0% death tax and a 0% capital gains tax, do you know what we would have?

Decoder: Remarkable inequity. A historical separation between haves and have-nots. No money for basic services.

Michele Bachmann: Federal employees make twice what those of you in the private sector are making.

Decoder: And that’s why I want to eliminate those jobs. They pay well.

Michele Bachmann: One out of five federal employees makes over $100,000 a year.

Decoder: I know because I’m one of them

Michele Bachmann: The Democrats made ridiculous promises about the health care bill.

Decoder: Of course, we made some whoppers, too. Remember death panels and how America would be destroyed if health care passed? That might have been hyperbole.

Michele Bachmann: We now own the entire student-loan industry. It used to be private. Today it’s been nationalized.

Decoder: Big banks will no longer be able take $68 billion of tax money for being middlemen who risk nothing.

Michele Bachmann: If you want a student loan, you now have to go crawling to the government.

Decoder: Or you could file a loan request online. That would eliminate the crawling part. Unless your netbook isn’t near your futon.

Michele Bachmann: When you feel your pulse racing and you’re thinking something’s not right in America, that’s because spending is out of control.

Decoder: Or it could be the meth. Meth is a really bad drug. Do not use it.

Michele Bachmann: America has always been a country of renewal, of innovation, of finding the new mouse trap.

Decoder: Which, by the way, is in the foyer, behind the bookcase. It’s the kind with the glue. If people properly disposed of their food wrappers, we wouldn’t need one.

Michele Bachmann: Barack Obama’s promises aren’t working really well. I think he’s batting about zero.

Decoder: Except for that little promise he made about health-care reform. He kind of came through on that one.

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Recent Comments At The John McCain Reelection Rally And Other Venues

March 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Gun violence is a subtle metaphor for encouraging voting.

Sarah Palin: Nobody gave us a Teleprompter this time around. I had to write my notes on my hand again.

Decoder: Every time I try to make an obviously intelligent person like Obama seem stupid, I end up revealing how dumb I am. Maybe I should realize that I’m in no position to question anyone else’s intelligence.

Sarah Palin: I couldn’t wait to get some of the McCain-Palin team back together again.

Decoder: Some of them but not most of them. Most of them thought I was unfit and unintelligent.

Sarah Palin: John McCain is leading the party of ideas.

Decoder: Like his idea that Republicans should no longer cooperate with Obama on any issue, even issues they actually agree on. That way the whole country can be spited.

Sarah Palin: We know violence isn’t the answer. When we talk about taking up our arms, we’re talking about our vote.

Decoder: I’ve purposely not made that clear in the past. I’ve said it in a way that sends a mixed message of gun violence to the crazier elements of the crowd.

Sarah Palin: When I talk about it’s not a time to retreat, it’s a time to reload, I was trying to inspire people to get involved in their local elections and these upcoming federal elections.

Decoder: I wasn’t actually encouraging gun violence; I just wanted it to sound that way.

Sarah Palin: [Don’t believe] this BS coming from the lamestream media.

Decoder: They accurately reported that I put rifle scope targets on a map of Democratic representatives on my Facebook page. They also dared to report facts about Tea Party members using racial and homophobic slurs and spitting on congresspersons they didn’t agree with.

Sarah Palin: This is just the beginning of our efforts to take back our country.

Decoder: We must take back our country from a non-white guy who’s worked really hard to educate himself and achieve. He dares to govern after being chosen by a majority of Americans in a free election.

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Decoder: Mitt Romney’s Recent Remarks On “Larry King Live”

March 25, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Larry King: I forgot my suspenders at Duke Zeibert's.

Mitt Romney:
Some elements in the bill are good and many are bad. And the Democrats want to talk about the couple of maraschino cherries that are on top of the pile of dirt. But let’s talk, also, about the pile of dirt.

Decoder: Every time I look at you, Larry, I think of a pile of dirt. Usually it is being shoveled on top of a coffin.

Mitt Romney: Health care is no longer going to be the purview of states and individuals and families.

Decoder: Or the blood-sucking, money-grubbing health-care industry.

Mitt Romney: What I am is a defender of the truth.

Decoder: Like a Mormon Superman.

Mitt Romney: [Sarah Palin] is an energetic, positive force in the Republican party, a leader in our party, and having a positive impact on bringing out a lot of folks that were in the silent majority.

Decoder: They’re actually an annoyingly loud minority. But I like her because she isn’t actually going to run for President because then she’d be exposed as a fringe candidate, a Ron Paul in a dress.

Mitt Romney: I think [the Tea Party] is a good thing. I think it’s a good thing to see people becoming more involved in the political process.

Mitt Romney: Great hair and fungible politics.

Decoder: I used to be a basically decent guy if no rocket scientist. But I am now prepared to say anything and pander to anyone to become President. I’ve flipped my opinions on abortion and health-care reform with the casual ease of someone with no integrity.

Mitt Romney: But overall, the Tea Party movement is about reasonable men and women who are very concerned about the excessive growth of government.

Decoder: Yes, they’re the reasonable bigots.

Mitt Romney: I think my party’s basic core philosophy is much more attuned to [the Tea Party] than that of the Democratic party.

Decoder: We don’t have any non-white members, either.

Mitt Romney: [John McCain] is one of those guys that’s able to move things and make things happen.

Decoder: Except if you need someone to produce a steady stream of urine. He can’t make that happen.

Mitt Romney: I know some people say, gee, your Massachusetts health care plan isn’t conservative. I say oh, yes it is.

Decoder: Oh, no it isn’t.

Mitt Romney: [Running for President in 2012] is not a decision I have made yet.

Decoder: Of course I’m running. Do your think I’d be willing to stare at your reptilian face without a payoff?

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Decoder: Rep. John Boehner’s Speech To Congress After The Health-Care Reform Bill Was Passed

March 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

John Boehner: So angry that he is orange in the face.

John Boehner: Have you read the bill? Hell no, you haven’t!

Decoder: But you really probably should have. It was kind of a big deal, and it is sort of our job and all.

John Boehner: Can you go home and tell your constituents that this bill respects the sanctity of all human life?

Decoder: I know I couldn’t tell them that when I voted to authorize military action in Iraq, even though there were no terrorists or WMDs there. I knew that through no fault of our soldiers, thousands and thousands of civilians would die from unavoidable collateral damage, many of them children and infants.

John Boehner: I rise tonight with a sad and heavy heart.

Decoder: That’s just a metaphor. I’m not getting all Dick Cheney on you.

John Boehner: We have failed to reflect the will of our constituents

Decoder: You know, our constituents who lobby for the health-care and the pharmaceutical industries.

John Boehner: Millions of Americans lifted their voices [about the health-care issue].

Decoder: Oddly, I only heard the ones who agreed with me. The other ones were kind of nasal and whiny,

John Boehner: What [Americans] are seeing today frightens them.

Decoder: But there’s not much I can do about my big orange head. I went to a dermatologist. It is what it is.

John Boehner: Americans are struggling to build a better life for their kids.

Decoder: And now they’ll have to somehow accomplish that without a lack of health care.

John Boehner: Shame on each and every one of you who substitutes your will and your desires above those of your fellow countrymen.

Decoder: Well, either way you voted you would have been putting your will above some of your fellow countrymen, since people don’t agree on the issue.

John Boehner: I ask each of you to vow to never let this happen again.

Decoder: Again: I’m talking about my big orange head. Get me help. Do not let this continue to occur. I’m like a pumpkin.

John Boehner: It’s not too late to begin to restore the bonds of trust with our nation.

Decoder: Just follow my example. Like that time I handed out money from tobacco industry lobbyists on the floor of the House during a vote on tobacco subsidies. The strengthened the Congress’s bonds of trust with the people.

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Decoder: Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Speech At The “Kill The Bill” Anti-Health Care Reform Rally

March 21, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

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Michele Bachmann: A dictionary might help.

Michele Bachmann: The American people aren’t going to take this lying down.

Decoder: Except for the sick ones who don’t have health insurance. They probably won’t be well enough to sit up or stand.

Michele Bachmann: We are not the indentured servants of Pelosi, Reid or Obama.

Decoder: I’m going to look up “indentured servant” in the dictionary later. I may not be using that correctly.

Michele Bachmann: They are spending us into a bondage we can never dig our way out of.

Decoder: Bondage is a type of restraint. It doesn’t really have anything to do with being buried. But perhaps we could use the sharp end of the shovel to break the locks on the bondage thingy.

Michele Bachmann: No Republican in the House or Senate will vote for this. Now it’s down to one-party rule.

Decoder: Actually, it’s still a two-party rule even if the two parties vote differently. In that case, the party with the most votes prevails. They represent the majority of Americans. While it’s unfortunate that there’s such a stark ideological split, such a divide doesn’t constitute a one-party rule.

Michele Bachmann: You wait until 2012. This is a one-term President.

Decoder: Scary wackos like me, Palin and Beck will make a calm, studious person like Obama look really inviting again.

Michele Bachmann: They took over Chrysler. They took over GM. They’re running these companies into the ground.

Decoder: Those companies were already in the ground.

Michele Bachmann: Then they gave 3,400 decent, viable car dealerships across the country pink slips.

Decoder: Many, many more jobs would have been lost if the government hadn’t taken over Chrysler and GM and those companies had gone bust.

Michele Bachmann: I think we need IQ tests before these people go to Washington.

Decoder: But not for me. I’m busy that day.

Michele Bachmann: The government is not working for us.

Decoder: I define “us” as a small group of resentment-filled white people with a shaky grasp of history who want to blame someone else for their jackass lives. Instead the government is working for the non-screeching majority.

Michele Bachmann: This is dictatorial what they are doing.

Decoder: When I look up “indentured servant” in the dictionary, I’m going to look up “dictator” as well.

Michele Bachmann: This bill could be the stone that ends up sinking this country forever into a sea of debt.

Decoder: It will drown the skeletons of our pastry chefs. It will drink the blood of our midwives. It will disembowel our crossing guards. Wow, I am an adult who sees everything in absolute black and white, just like a child–a really stupid child.

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Response To A Recent Actual Spam Email From Keith Dykhoff

March 20, 2010 in Humor, Misc. | Permalink

Perhaps it could bulge more, but it's completely functional as is, ladies.

Dear Mr. Keith Dykhoff,

Thank you for your recent spam email with the subject line: “Make knob bulging!” We at the Afflictor offices are a little embarrassed to ask, but you’re talking about the penis, right? If you’re talking about actual doorknobs, we’d like to apologize for being presumptuous. While the products your company offers are no doubt effectively bulge-inducing, Mr. Dykhoff, we have to pass on making an order at the present time. We just purchased some new jeans, and if we use your products, we’d have to go out and buy some bulging-knob jeans. In this tough economy, that wouldn’t be feasible. If America’s financial outlook should improve, we’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

Afflictor

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Decoder: Glenn Beck And Iowa Congressman Steve King Discuss Health Care Reform

March 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Confident and stupid. (Photo by Gage Skidmore.)

Steve King: I have a fair amount of anxiety about what’s happening to our liberty in America this week, Glenn, but other than that, I’m healthy.

Decoder: Though it doesn’t matter if I’m healthy or not, because every member of congress has wonderful health care thanks to the taxpayers.

Steve King: If tens of thousands pour into [Washington D.C.] again, like they have numerous times before, pack this capital, jam this capital, surround this place, don’t let anybody in or anybody out, they will have to capitulate.

Decoder: Okay, I didn’t realize how illegal that would sound. It sounds like we’re taking hostages. I mean, I want it to be a cool kind of hostage-taking. You know, like Denzel Washington in that hospital movie, John Q. Okay, bad example.

Steve King: Drop your plows and your hammers and get on a plane or a bus or drive your pickup truck. Come into Washington DC, fill this city up.

Decoder: Leave behind your covered wagons, your gas lamps and your charwoman. Come forth upon a chariot and a mighty wind. Or just take the Acela. It has wi-fi now.

Steve King: They intend to vote on the sabbath, during lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God.

Decoder: The God-given freedom to drop dead without health care.

Glenn Beck: You know, I sense we’re talking to Congressman Steve King from Iowa, one of the good guys.

Decoder: One of the good guys who made derisive comments about the IRS right after a terrorist rammed a plane into an IRS building, killing a U.S. military veteran. One of the good guys who complained when deportation of Haitian illegal aliens was temporarily halted in the days after the earthquake. One of the good guys who said that the “optics” of someone who looked like Barack Obama winning the Presidency would please terrorists.

Glenn Beck: They’re going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the sabbath, during lent. You couldn’t have said it better. Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity that it is an affront to God.

Decoder: Even Fox is embarrassed of me.

Steve King: I don’t know how they can hole up and go into their private meetings in these secret formerly smoke filled rooms and with the guards on the outside of the door and put these things up and keep it a secret.

Rep. Steve King: Rated tickle-worthy by Eric Massa.

Decoder: The entire health care bill is online and available to the public. Just put down your plow and hammer for a second and log on.

Glenn Beck: You’re not a dirt bag, are you?

Decoder: Because that’s my act and bad enough I have to share it with Hannity.

Glenn Beck: How have we never met? I don’t know, Steve King, how we never brushed up against each other.

Decoder: That sounded gay. I didn’t mean for it to sound gay.

Steve King: In Czechoslovakia and Prague, people came to the town square and they just stood there and they held up their keys and shook their keys and the rattle of those keys was the rattle of the breath of liberty emerging in Czechoslovakia and there were so many of them and they came in such great numbers that in the end the communist government fell and freedom prevailed in Czechoslovakia and it prevails today.

Decoder: I know that all of our current leaders were freely elected. I just don’t like when they turn out to be non-white or try to do things I don’t agree with. When that happens, there should be a Velvet Revolution.

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Decoder: Rick Santorum’s Comments From “On The Record With Greta” And Other Venues

March 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Unintelligent, yet believes in intelligent design.

Rick Santorum: Ordinary people realize that what you’re talking about here is taking away choices from them about health care. And I remember one [woman who said] “You know, my father has very bad cancer and has a 15 percent survival. He’s at the Mayo Clinic. We may lose the farm. You know what? In Norway, you can’t get this drug. In Britain, you can’t get–it’s illegal in Canada. Because it’s an expensive drug. And there’s one thing worse than losing your farm, and that’s losing your dad!”

Decoder: Another good way to lose your dad: Let him be one of the tens of millions of Americans who can’t afford ridiculously high insurance premiums. If he gets cancer–even the kind with a good cure rate–you will lose him.

Rick Santorum: But if you’re saying things about what the President’s bill is about, and you’re in most cases, probably telling the truth, unlike what they are doing, you’re now going to be reported to the White House. That’s not good!

Decoder: What I just said is bullshit. Also: I hope no one remembers I supported the Patriot Act loosening restrictions on wiretapping Americans. I also voted to extend the wiretap provision.

Rick Santorum: There’s one part of Medicare, it’s called Medicare Advantage, that is private sector. It’s private sector-run. It’s a managed care program that is completely private sector experience in Medicare. [Obama] wants to shut it down.

Decoder: If I had been a Senator when Medicare was established, I would have voted against it and called all of it socialism.

Rick Santorum: Political correctness is reigning in the military right now.

Decoder: Despite the strain of two long-term wars and helping people victimized by natural disasters, our military is doing a tremendous job. Some of those soldiers doing the great work are gay. I want to prevent them from continuing their service to their country.

Rick Santorum: I am considering putting my name in for the 2012 presidential race.

Decoder: I’m also considering putting my name on my towels. “His” and “Hers” are pronouns and pronouns are the devil’s handiwork.

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Response To A Recent Spam Email From Meridith Mendia

March 16, 2010 in Humor, Misc. | Permalink

You obviously have two good hands. What do you need us for?

Dear Ms. Meridith Mendia,

Thank you for your recent spam email. You know, the one informing us that “the ancient secret of pleasing a woman 10 times a day has been discovered.” We were wondering if you also discovered the ancient secret of making a day last 13 months. That would be helpful because today we have to do some work and go to the Key Food and mail some bills. So there might not be enough hours in the day to please her 10 times. But if we should ever move to a city constructed entirely of water beds where women crave manual and oral stimulation around the clock, we will certainly be in touch.

Sincerely,

Afflictor

Decoder: Karl Rove’s Comments On Fox News And Other Venues

March 15, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

It appears that Butterbean has written a book.

Karl Rove: But if [Obama] passes this health care reform, I think [the Democrats] lose the House of Representatives this fall.

Decoder: And I am something of an expert on how lose the House of Representatives.

Karl Rove: Embedded in that view is the belief that the American people can be easily manipulated by those kind of [smear] tactics. And frankly, I got greater respect for the voter than that.

Decoder: My career has proven time and again that I have zero respect for voters. I used to pander to the Christian conservative base even though I’m agnostic.

Karl Rove: If you’re going to attack somebody, it has to be seen as fair and appropriate and relevant and credible.

Decoder: I steadfastly defend the TV commercials that were used against former Georgia Senator Max Cleland, the ones that had footage of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and claimed Cleland didn’t have the courage to lead. You know, the Max Cleland who lost three limbs while fighting for our country in Vietnam, while I was doing everything possible to avoid the draft.

Karl Rove: Oh, I think the world of [Colin Powell]. I think he is a great leader and I think he was a terrific secretary of state. But I did get under his skin.

Decoder: He’s apparently allergic to doughy, lying pricks.

Karl Rove: Harry Reid and I share a common Nevada root. I tried to develop a cordial relationship with him but he was, as you will see in episodes in the book, breathtakingly political in his approach to virtually everything and unreliable even when he was with you.

Decoder: He’s almost as partisan as I am. I hate people like that.

Karl Rove: [Waterboarding] is not torture. But reasonable people can disagree.

Decoder: But if they do, I will torture them.

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Decoder: Eric Massa’s Comments To Glenn Beck

March 12, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Representing New York's slap-and-tickle district.

Eric Massa: I wasn’t forced out. I forced myself out. I failed. I didn’t live up to my own codes. I own this. I take full and complete responsibility for my misbehavior. And goodness only knows what allegations they are going to throw at me.

Decoder: I’ve done so much stuff even I can’t remember it all. God knows what they’ll find out.

Eric Massa: Now, they’re saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and four guys jumped on top of me.

Decoder: It was the best date ever.

Eric Massa: We all lived together, all the bachelors and me.

Decoder: Unfortunately, they weren’t confirmed bachelors.

Eric Massa: If somebody on my staff was offended, was uncomfortable, thought I was inappropriate–I own that. That’s why I resigned.

Decoder: I resigned for stuff much worse than that.

Eric Massa: Yes, I do believe in God.

Decoder: Especially his sexy, long-haired son, Jesus.

Eric Massa: I mean, I don’t know how else to put it. I own this misbehavior.

Decoder: I also own a lot of sex toys and pornos.

Eric Massa: At this point, people will be told to say anything about me.

Decoder: Mostly the truth. And that won’t make me look good.

Eric Massa: [Being a congressmen] literally for me is 120-hour workweek.

Decoder: Taking my pants off so frequently is time-consuming.

Eric Massa: Congressmen spend five to seven hours a day on the phone, begging for money.

Decoder: And for phone sex.

Eric Massa: And, by the way, when you are a freshman, you have to fill out sheets of everybody you call and how much money per hour, and they have coaches to teach how to get more money from each one of your phone calls and who to call and what data points they have on them to tickle them, to make them more apt to give you money.

Decoder: Wow, I can’t stop talking about tickling.

Eric Massa: I mean, people say that I’m making this stuff up. I’m just telling you what I learned in 14 months in the United States Congress–by the way, a Congress I deeply love.

Decoder: I want to love many congressman very, very deeply.

Read other Decoders.

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Decoder: Jay Leno’s Remarks About The Oscars While Interviewing Richard Roeper

March 9, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Are you ready to take the green car challenge?

Jay Leno: I am so glad [Jeff Bridges] won. He’s a good guy, he’s been married, he has a nice family.

Decoder: I like to rate the quality of other people’s family lives, like when I’ve pointed out in past that Conan O’Brien and others are good family guys. Judging which Americans have the right level of family values is a job that should be handled by someone like myself. You know, a childless TV comic with an exaggerated sense of self-importance who’s trying to pander to Middle America in the same desperate way that politicians do.

Jay Leno: I’ve seen all these [war] movies and, I’m sorry, they all end with the American soldiers doing something wrong, doing something for the wrong reason, accidentally killing someone–they’re always the bad guys. Here’s a film [Hurt Locker] about Americans that are going out and risking their lives to save Iraqis. I watch it and I feel good about the people in it, whereas some of these other movies, I come out depressed.

Decoder: I know all war movies don’t end that way; I’m just being manipulative. It’s not that I don’t care about the troops, but this statement has nothing to do with them. I will wrap myself in the flag and stick the pole up my ass if that’s what it takes to make gullible Americans love me and watch my show. Patriotism–at least this pandering type of patriotism–is the last refuge of a lout. Politicians always behave this way when trying to win votes, but in my case the election never ends.

Jay Leno: I thought Avatar was treated unfairly [at the Oscars]. I would guess that last night’s telecast was the highest rated in five years was because you had Avatar fans wanting to see their picture win. Hurt Locker is a great picture and I saw it, but not many people have.

Decoder: When something is really popular–like my show for instance–it should be given awards even if it isn’t of the best quality. Despite my popular success, I’m still insecure about the lack of critical acclaim I’ve received.

Read other Decoders.

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Decoder: Tom DeLay’s Recent Comments On CNN’s State of the Union And Elsewhere

March 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

I seem less criminal-ish when I smile and dance.

Tom DeLay: I would have loved to be right in the middle of the health care reform fight.

Decoder: Health care industry lobbyists have tons of cash.

Tom DeLay: Dancing with the Stars was the best fun I ever had.

Decoder: Except for the time I posed for that mug shot. Dang, that was good times.

Tom DeLay: There is an argument to be made that these unemployment benefits keep people from going and finding jobs.

Decoder: The non-existent jobs that don’t exist.

Tom DeLay: There is a rage in this country–I’ve been sitting out of D.C. for a long time–that I have never seen before.

Decoder: Maybe there’d be less rage if I hadn’t turned the Republican Party into an ATM machine to be filled by K Street lobbyists and Russian oil barons. Man, I hope my senior aides convicted in the Abramoff scandal are having fun in prison.

Tom DeLay: The rage against Republicans is that they want to see Republicans stand on principles and fight for the principles.

Decoder: I am completely fucking unprincipled, but maybe one of the other Republicans can do it. Is that guy Herb around? Maybe he can give it a try.

Tom DeLay: We have budget considerations that are incredibly important now that Obama is spending monies we don’t even have.

Decoder: I helped Bush turn a budget surplus into a $600 billion deficit.

Tom DeLay: I am rooting for the Tea Party activists. I think it’s a great opportunity for the Republicans if they will take it.

Decoder: Other people see hatred, racism, paranoia and incoherence, but I see opportunity. Maybe other Republicans are put off by weirdos blaming the government for all the problems in their jackass lives, but not an unethical scumbag like me.

Tom DeLay: [Republicans] ought to be reaching out to [Tea Party activists], accommodating them.

Decoder: Pander to the dummies, throw them a bone. That’s what I was doing with the birther movement and the Terry Schiavo case. Use them like we used born-again Christians to get W. elected. Opportunists need zealots to carry the water.

Tom DeLay: You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I really don’t care. I am who I am and I did what I did. I’m proud of what I did.

Decoder: Yeah, I really am crazy. Maybe I’ll plead insanity if my Texas money-laundering case ever comes to trial.

Read other Decoders.

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Response To A Recent Spam Email From Anthony Litner

March 3, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Curvature is completely normal. (Image by David Wilmot.)

Dear Mr. Anthony Litner,

While all the men in the Afflictor offices appreciated your recent spam email that promised we could have “stronger bone-ons” if we purchased items from you online store, we’re happy to report that our “bone-ons” are plenty strong already. While we are indeed “sick and tired of being sick and tired” as the body of your email suggests, our sickness and tiredness have thus far had no debilitating effect on the potency of our “bone-ons.” We assume a lifetime of jogging and not smoking or abusing alcohol and drugs has allowed for our continued “bone-on” strength. To sum up: Your concern for our “bone-ons” is appreciated, Mr. Litner, but unnecessary. Please be advised that if any “bone-on” issues should arise (so to speak) in the future, you will be the first to know.

Sincerely,

Afflictor Office

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Decoder: Governor David Paterson Announces The End Of His Campaign

March 1, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

 

Governor Paterson: Bros before hos, allegedly.

Governor Paterson: For the past 25 years, it has been my highest privilege to serve the people of New York.

Decoder: Except for all the times I did blow. I felt even more privileged to be high those times.

Governor Paterson: All the while I have tried to improve the quality of lives of families and fought special interests.

Decoder: By “special interests,” I mean women who were allegedly trying to file complaints against my buddies for allegedly abusing them.

Governor Paterson: I have laid the foundation for our fiscal economic rescue.

Decoder: And many women who are not my wife. That’s how D-Patz swings, baby.

Governor Paterson: We have eradicated the Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Decoder: I’m like a one man Cheech & Chong. What did you expect?

Governor Paterson: I am ending my campaign for governor of the state of New York.

Decoder: My unwinnable, unwanted, vomit-inducing campaign.

Governor Paterson: It has become clear that I cannot run for office and manage the state’s business at the same time.

Decoder: Actually, I can’t do either one separately. Not competently.

Governor Paterson: I am looking forward to a full investigation into actions taken by myself and my administration.

Decoder: I am likewise looking forward to someone performing exploratory surgery on my groin with a pickaxe.

Governor Paterson: I believe when the facts are reviewed, the truth will prevail.

Decoder: But, oh god, I hope not.

Governor Paterson: There are 308 days left in my term. I will serve every one of them fighting for the people of the state of New York.

Decoder: Until I step down in the next couple of weeks. Get ready, Dick Ravitch. Tag, you’re it, bitch.

Governor Paterson: I would like to thank New Yorkers for the wonderful opportunity to serve them.

Decoder: Though no one actually voted for me to be in this office. I walked into it ass backwards when Governor Sexy Socks got tossed out on his jockstrap.

Governor Paterson: I hope that history will remember that I fought the good fight and did what was hard.

Decoder: Especially hard drugs and hard alcohol.

Read other Decoders.

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Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Speech At CPAC

February 24, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Are you too afraid to debate me, Woodrow Fucking Wilson? (Photo by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: I have to tell you, I hate Woodrow Wilson with everything in me.

Decoder: I will dig up Woodrow Wilson’s grave and fuck his skeleton. Seriously, I’ll do it. I’m that nuts.

Glenn Beck: (Writes “Progressivism” on the chalkboard.) This is the disease. This is the disease in America.

Decoder: It caused an outbreak of Abolitionism, civil rights, workers’ rights, voting rights, women’s rights, gay rights, disability rights, Medicare, public education, public libraries, consumer protection, etc.

Glenn Beck: Somebody just sent this to me this week. (Holds up book.) It’s “Progress and Democracy for Rhode Island.” You can’t read the date here but it’s 1938.

Decoder: I’m going to read from an arcane book nobody read even back then and pretend it represents all contemporary progressives.

Glenn Beck: It is big government–it’s a socialist utopia. And we need to address it as if it is a cancer. It must be cut out of the system because they cannot co-exist. And you don’t cure cancer by–well, I’m just going to give you a little bit of cancer.

Decoder: Oh, crap. My colonoscopy is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I might have to get Janet to have them move that.

Glenn Beck: (Reacts to a towel being placed at the podium by staff.) I’m like Elvis.

Decoder: I mean Old Elvis: bloated, senseless, weepy, embarrassing. I just need a karate outfit. I’ll ask Janet to order me one of those.

Glenn Beck: I’m a–I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and um, I screwed up my life six ways to Sunday,

Decoder: Tough to believe I ever had a drinking problem, huh?

Glenn Beck: I mean, you know, if drinking wasn’t causing me a problem in my life I’d be drunk right now.

Decoder: Instead of just acting drunk right now.

Glenn Beck: When the Republican Party says, wow, I’ve got a problem, please don’t say you’re just like me. Oh, and I’m just like you. No you’re not. Because I would never go to Washington. You will.

Decoder: And then you’ll have to deal with the realities of governing. You won’t be able to hop around on stage in front of a blackboard like a brainless demogogue. You’ll have to think and reason and compromise like adults. I would never stoop to that.

Glenn Beck: America is not a clown show. America is not a circus.

Decoder: Of course, that makes it tough to explain my success.

Glenn Beck: America is an idea. America is an idea that sets people free.

Decoder: Free to think just like me–or else.

Glenn Beck: (Attempts to erase blackboard but eraser doesn’t work well.) This isn’t going to work out well.

Decoder: I mean erasing the blackboard but my life also.

Glenn Beck: When did it become something of shame or ridicule to be a self-made man in America?

Decoder: It never did, but it sounds really populist to say that. Also: I have personal issues about my lack of academic credentials.

Glenn Beck: The Roaring Twenties–it was the largest expansion of the middle class ever. It–people started having telephones, and that evil electricity, and cars, and radios.

Decoder: I really believe electricity is evil. It silently mocks me.

Read other Decoders.

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Ruining The Classics: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

February 24, 2010 in Books, Humor | Permalink

I will ward off the vampire, Bella, and then lustily remove my shirt. Just like the priest in "The Thorn Birds," but much fucking older.

“He bowed in a courtly way as he said, ‘I am Dracula, and I bid you welcome, young Ms. Bella Swan, to my house. Come in, the night air is chill.’

As he was speaking, he put the lamp on a bracket on the wall, and stepping out, he looked as old as fuck. He was not one of those hunky young vampires Bella was looking for on craigslist. He looked like an effing corpse. She had an opportunity of observing him, and found him of a very marked physiognomy.

Bella: How old are you?
Count Dracula: 17.
Bella: How long have you been 17?
Count Dracula: About 6,000 years.

His face was a strong, a very strong, aquiline, with high bridge of the thin nose and peculiarly arched nostrils, with lofty domed forehead, and hair growing scantily round the temples but profusely elsewhere. The mouth, so far as Bella could see it under the heavy moustache, was fixed and rather cruel-looking, with peculiarly sharp white teeth, though they might have been dentures. The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor.

Bella was completely grossed out. As the Count leaned over and his hand touched her, she could not repress a shudder. It may have been that his breath was rank, but a horrible feeling of nausea came over her.

The Count, evidently noticing it, drew back. And with a grim sort of smile, which showed more of his protuberant teeth, sat himself down again on his own side of the fireplace. They were both silent for a while, and there seemed a strange stillness over everything. But as Bella listened, she heard as if from down below in the valley the howling of many wolves. She really hoped they were hunky, shirtless werewolves, the kind that a teen girl would like, because so far this visit to Count Dracula had been a massive and creepy disappointment.

‘We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not Forks, Washington,’ said the Count. ‘Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.’ Especially that strange old man smell, thought Bella. It was really stanky. She felt uneasy and wished she were safe out of this place, or that she had never come.

I shall cut off his head and fill his mouth with garlic, and I shall drive a stake through his body, she thought. But, no. The old freak’s breath already reeked of garlic, so she just took the keys from his arthritic hands and let herself out. He hobbled after her on his artificial hip into the sunrise. It was there the ancient dude melted into a puddle–a really fucking old puddle.”

Read other Ruined Classics.

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Decoder: Tiger Woods’ Press Conference

February 19, 2010 in Humor, Sports | Permalink

Pardoned by Governor Mark Sanford. (Image courtesy of Tim Hipps.)

Tiger Woods: Good morning, and thank you for joining me.

Decoder: I wish I was anywhere else. Preferably a brothel.

Tiger Woods: Many of you in this room are friends.

Decoder: Friends with benefits.

Tiger Woods: I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

Decoder: Sometimes three or four times a night. Sometimes with two strippers at the same time in a hot tub. In all different kinds of positions. Except for 69. I don’t like that one. That looks like a trick they train seals to do.

Tiger Woods: My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners, to everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach.

Decoder: Why did I try to sell myself as a family man and philanthropist? I could have stayed single, partied hearty and been fine. Jeter is smarter than all of us.

Tiger Woods: Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night.

Decoder: If I don’t deny it, she will beat me again. And she hits hard.

Tiger Woods: I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply.

Decoder: I’ve been hitting a golf ball like a robot since I was two. You expected normalcy?

Tiger Woods: Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point at me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology.

Decoder: My ego is still telling me that I need to be something more exalted than just a golfer and a good husband and dad. I don’t.

Tiger Woods: As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to–wants to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions, and answers, is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Decoder: This is the truest thing I’ll say today. I owe apologies to my wife, kids and business partners. Anyone else who wants an explanation should get a life.

Tiger Woods: Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.

Decoder: I shouldn’t be thinking about my athletic legacy at all today, but I just can’t help myself.

Tiger Woods: Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood.

Decoder: Buddhism is the one with the Karma Sutra, right?

Tiger Woods: I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year.

Decoder: It will be this year.

Tiger Woods: I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Decoder: Imagine how badly I will beat them if I actually focus more on golf than on arranging three-ways with waitresses in Olive Garden restrooms.

Read other Decoders.

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Decoder: Dick Cheney’s Comments On This Week

February 17, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Let me handcuff you to a chair and slap you around. It's for national security purposes, of course.

Dick Cheney: The White House must stop dithering.

Decoder: Obama needs to quickly make bad decisions without thinking them through and stubbornly stick to them. That’s how it’s done.

Dick Cheney: I was and remain a strong proponent of our enhanced interrogation program.

Decoder: Americans are queasy about the word “torture,” so I’ve started referring to it as “an enhanced interrogation program.” Sounds classier.

Dick Cheney: I think the President made the right decision to send troops into Afghanistan. I thought it took him a while to get there.

Decoder: He paused to think. W. never gave me trouble like that. My incredible sense of arrogance tells me that I’m smarter than everyone else despite my unimpressive track record, so I think people should do what I want without question. Also: Bush and I never got around to focusing the military on terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan because we were too busy fighting an unnecessary war in Iraq, which was based on incorrect evidence about nonexistent WMDs.

Dick Cheney: But I do repeatedly see examples that there are key members in the administration, like Eric Holder, for example, the attorney general, who still insists on thinking of terror attacks against the United States as criminal acts as opposed to acts of war.

Decoder: Eric Holder has not ruled out prosecuting me, so he’s officially a meanie. I will try to paint him as an out-of-touch liberal despite the fact that he worked in the Reagan administration.

Dick Cheney: I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do. We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century. We took down his government, a man who’d produced and used weapons of mass destruction.

Decoder: There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq in 2003 even though I insisted there were. So I’ll try to divert from that by mentioning that there were once weapons there. Worth a shot.

Dick Cheney: I think the–the proper way to–to deal with the Christmas Day bomber would have been to treat him as an enemy combatant. I think that was the right way to go.

Decoder: The Bush administration didn’t put shoe bomber Richard Reid into military custody, but that was nine years ago, so people probably forgot.

Dick Cheney: I was a big supporter of waterboarding. I was a big supporter of the enhanced interrogation techniques.

Decoder: I forgot to call it “enhanced interrogation techniques” the first time, but I quickly caught myself.

Dick Cheney: Twenty years ago, the military were strong advocates of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I think things have changed significantly since then.

Decoder: Every now and again, I like to take another man to a quiet place on a ranch and give it to him in the face really hard.

Dick Cheney: The reason I’ve been outspoken is because there were some things being said, especially after we left office, about prosecuting CIA personnel that had carried out our counterterrorism policy or disbarring lawyers in the Justice Department who had helped us put those policies together.

Decoder: The reason I’ve been outspoken is because if my underlings get prosecuted, then it’s just a matter of time until they come for me. And Dick Cheney ain’t going to the Graybar Hotel.

Read other Decoders.

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Ruining The Classics: Stephen Crane’s The Red Badge Of Courage

February 15, 2010 in Books, Humor | Permalink

Come sit by the fire with me, soldier. Why it's warm enough here that you could remove your shirt.

“The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs revealed an army stretched out on the hills, resting. As the landscape changed from brown to green, the army awakened, and began to tremble with eagerness at the noise of rumors. Rumors about gay stuff.

Once a certain tall soldier developed virtues and went resolutely to wash a shirt. He came flying back from a brook waving his garment bannerlike. That show-off was always looking for an excuse to be shirtless. And he was swelled with a tale he had heard from a reliable friend, who had heard it from a truthful cavalryman, who had heard it from his trustworthy brother, one of the orderlies at division headquarters. He adopted the important air of a herald in red and gold.

“They’re going to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” t’morrah–sure,” he said pompously to a group in the company street.

“It’s a lie! that’s all it is–a thunderin’ lie!” said another private loudly. His smooth face was flushed, and his hands were thrust sulkily into his trouser’s pockets. He took the matter as an affront to him. “I don’t believe the derned old army’s ever going to repeal. I’ve got ready to come out eight times in the last two weeks, and they ain’t repealed yet.”

The tall soldier felt called upon to defend the truth of a rumor he himself had introduced. He and the loud one came near to fighting over it. But they was always havin’ lovers’ quarrels.

Many of the men engaged in a spirited debate and some slow dancin’. Meanwhile, the soldier who had fetched the rumor bustled about with much importance. He was continually assailed by questions.

“What’s up, Jim?”

“Th’army’s goin’ t’ repeal.”

“Ah, what yeh talkin’ about? How yeh know it is?”

“Well, yeh kin b’lieve me er not, jest as yeh like. I don’t care a hang.”

There was much food for thought in the manner in which he replied. He came near to convincing them by disdaining to produce proofs. They grew much excited over it. Visibly excited.

There was a youthful private who listened with eager ears to the words of the tall soldier and to the varied comments of his comrades. After receiving a fill of discussions concerning the repeal, he went to his hut and crawled through an intricate hole that served it as a door. He wished to be alone with some new thoughts that had lately come to him. Thoughts about how incredibly gay the regiment was. The whole thing was like Charles Nelson Reilly Day at Fort Elton John. It was almost like being in the Navy.

The youth was in a little trance of astonishment. So they were at last going to repeal. He had long despaired of witnessing a Greeklike struggle. But if that’s what the Tall Soldier and the Loud Soldier wanted to do in their tent, who really cared, he thought. After all, I’m not an insecure child and the important thing is we’ve got a fucking war to win.”

Read other Ruined Classics.

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