Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.
Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.
Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.
Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.
Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”
Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.
Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…
Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.
Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.
Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.
Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.
Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.
Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…
Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.
Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.
Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.
Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.
Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.
More Decoders:
- John Cornyn and Pete Sessions
- Sarah Palin
- Newt Gingrich
- Rush Limbaugh
- Ted Nugent
- Sharron Angle
- John Boehner
- Thomas Sowell
- Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker
- Barack Obama
- Tony Hayward
- Michele Bachmann
- Sharron Angle
- Rand Paul
- Larry King and Lady Gaga
- Sharron Angle
- Rand Paul
- Rep. Mark Souder
- Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly
- Elisabeth Hasselbeck
- Jeff Zucker
- Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity
- Glenn Beck
- Michele Bachmann
- Sarah Palin
- Jon Voight
- Rep. Michele Bachmann
- Newt Gingrich
- Rudy Giuliani
- Michael Steele
- Dan Quayle
- Rep. Michele Bachmann
- Sarah Palin
- Mitt Romney
- Rep. John Boehner
- Rep. Michele Bachmann
- Rep. Steve King
- Rick Santorum
- Karl Rove
- Eric Massa
- Glenn Beck
- Jay Leno
- Tom DeLay
- Gov. David Paterson
- Tiger Woods
- Dick Cheney
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Tags: Glenn Beck