Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Comments About Potentially Losing His Sight In A Year

July 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Glenn Beck: Breathes through his ass. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.

Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.

Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.

Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.

Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”

Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.

Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…

Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.

Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.

Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.

Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.

Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.

J.C.: That breakfast burrito isn't sitting right, Glenny. (Image by Jack Merridew.)

Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…

Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.

Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.

Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.

Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.

Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.

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