Tony Hayward: Colin Firth always wanted to play an evil corporate prick.

Tony Hayward: To be sure, neither I nor the company is perfect.

Decoder: BP is responsible for more than 97% of all flagrant violations committed in the refining industry during the past three years. That adds up to 760 serious violations.

Tony Hayward: The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.

Decoder: As of this moment, there is still more water than oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Please hold your applause.

Tony Hayward: I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.

Decoder: But don’t let your children eat seafood or they may turn green. I’m serious. Not even an anchovy.

Tony Hayward: Of course I can [sleep at night].

Decoder: I’m also really good at sleeping on the job.

Tony Hayward: We are unwavering in our commitment to fulfill all our responsibilities.

Decoder: Unless that commitment is going to cost more than we want it to. If that happens, we will be even more lawyered up than usual.

That tuna sandwich tasted sort of funny, Mom.

Tony Hayward: This was a complex accident, caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.

Decoder: I make several million dollars a year for being totally incompetent.

Tony Hayward: I’d like my life back.

Decoder: I am completely oblivious to anything beyond my own selfish existence the same way that I am oblivious that BP getting hundreds of serious violations during my tenure means that I suck at my job.

Tony Hayward: I’m so far unscathed.

Decoder: The last thing anyone cares about is my psyche. They care about the water and the marine life and the people who’ve lost their livelihoods. But I’m such a self-important dickwad that I think that my personal drama somehow ranks as important.

Tony Hayward: No one has actually physically harmed me. They’ve thrown some words at me. But I’m a Brit, so sticks and stones can hurt your bones but words never break them, or whatever the expression is.

Decoder: The expression is: My name is Tony and I’ve just murdered an ocean.

More Decoders:

• Michele Bachmann
• Sharron Angle
• Rand Paul
• Larry King and Lady Gaga
• Sharron Angle
• Rand Paul
• Rep. Mark Souder
• Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck
• Jeff Zucker
• Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity
• Glenn Beck
• Michele Bachmann
• Sarah Palin
• Jon Voight
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Newt Gingrich
• Rudy Giuliani
• Michael Steele
• Dan Quayle
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Sarah Palin
• Mitt Romney
• Rep. John Boehner
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Rep. Steve King
• Rick Santorum
• Karl Rove
• Eric Massa
• Glenn Beck
• Jay Leno
• Tom DeLay
• Gov. David Paterson
• Tiger Woods
• Dick Cheney
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad