Sports

You are currently browsing the archive for the Sports category.

“So He Has Come To Turkey To Resurrect Not Only His Basketball Career, But His Life”

January 4, 2011 in Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

"Iverson had hit rock bottom. At 34—having nearly exhausted his athletic gifts — he’d washed out of the NBA." (Image by Keith Allison.)

Beset by personal problems and in possession of seriously diminished skills, former NBA great Allen Iverson finds himself playing minor-league basketball in Turkey. Philadelphia magazine writer Robert Huber visited Istanbul to file a report about the troubled, faded star as he attempts to revive his life in an unlikely locale. (Thanks Longform.) An excerpt:

“IVERSON IS AT A CROSSROADS IN HIS LIFE. There is no going off into the sunset for him, no taking his vast millions and his fame and finishing off the job of raising his five kids in splendor and ease. Nothing works that way for him.

In fact, last spring — just after Iverson abandoned the Sixers following a short second stint with the team — Gary Moore said publicly that things were very bad for Iverson. His young daughter Messiah was quite sick with an undisclosed illness. His wife had filed for divorce. There were stories that he was gambling and drinking himself into oblivion. At one point, Moore beseeched a reporter with a chilling request:

‘Please pray for us. We need all the prayers we can get.’

(Image by reeb0k2008.)

Iverson had hit rock bottom. At 34—having nearly exhausted his athletic gifts — he’d washed out of the NBA, largely seen as too troubled and demanding to finish his career with some team needing to get a few more fannies in the seats. That failed last year in Philly, after Iverson had already been pushed out of Detroit and bolted from Memphis. His career seemed done, and maybe he was, too.

So he has come to Turkey to resurrect not only his basketball career, but his life. In … Istanbul? How is he going to survive camped out in a Friday’s in Istanbul?

As one NBA official put it, the guy spent the past five years pretty much living in either bars or casinos. But word has it that his family is coming, that he and Tawanna have reconciled and she’s about to arrive with all five kids, ranging in age from two to 16. The team has checked out schools and is finding the family a villa to live in. It’s a new beginning.”

Tags: , ,

“The Waiters Rallied Round Tunney’s Table Shamelessly”

December 30, 2010 in Books, Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

I own several different paperback editions of Janet Flanner’s Paris Was Yesterday: 1925-1939, some purchased, some gleaned. Flanner, the correspondent who wrote for the New Yorker under the pen name Genêt, chronicled European politics and culture from her vantage point in the City of Lights. In one diary-style entry, she records the night in 1928 when heavyweight boxing champ Gene Tunney drank beer with playwright Thornton Wilder. An excerpt:

“Gene Tunney broke up the shop at Lipp’s when he recently entered there one night with Mr. Thornton Wilder. The heavyweight champion ordered and obtained a schooner of light beer; Mr. Wilder, because he was with Mr. Tunney, also received something to drink, doubtless not what he ordered, for service was paralyzed. The cashier, ordinarily a creature of discretion, ceased making her change; the waiters rallied round Tunney’s table shamelessly. All the French women stared, whispering, ‘Comme il est beau!’ ‘Quel homme magnifique!’ their escorts murmured without jealousy. It was a triumph which the champion accepted without too much grace. Nervously doffing and donning his hat as if the bay leaves irked him, he talked loudly, intelligently, for a half hour, and left.”

Tags: , ,

Recently Posted On NYC’s Craigslist

December 15, 2010 in Misc., Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

"I'm too 'yough' and too stressed out."

golf clubs..wanted – $1

hello there. i’m looking for a golf club set with bag for free. i want to take up golf to bring down my blood pressure. i’m too yough and too stressed out. please help…..

“There Would Be Dogfights In The Basement, Rooster Fights On An Upper Floor, And We Would Be Fighting On The Ground Floor”

December 14, 2010 in Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

“Just Enough Liebling” has a foreword by current “New Yorker” editor David Remnick. (Image by North Pointe Press.)

An indifferent student from a wealthy Upper East Side family, A.J. Liebling had an endless curiosity of all things, especially French food, press criticism and pugilism. “The University of Eighth Avenue” is a piece from the latter category though not from the New Yorker. It’s a great two-part story from a pair of December 1955 issues of Sports Illustrated, about an old-school fighter named Billy Ray, who was soon to turn 90. In it, Ray recalls the raffish, cold-blooded side of the 19th-century Brooklyn sporting scene. (Read the full article, part one and part two.) An excerpt:

“Ray grew up in the gracious old Brooklyn of Henry Ward Beecher, in which prizefighting was as much against the law as cocking mains or dogfights, but less frowned upon, since there were no Humane Societies needling the police to stop the fist fighters. Left to their own devices the police were lenient. ‘A fellow named Hughie Bart ran a great place around 1882,’ Mr. Ray said. ‘It was right across the street from Calvary Cemetery and there would be dogfights in the basement, rooster fights on an upper floor, and we would be fighting on the ground floor, all at the same time. Mourners would stop in on their way back, to take their mind off their loss. The gravediggers were old tads with beards. They’d sit in Hughie’s drinking between jobs, and when they were watching a fight you dassn’t quit, because they would split your skull with a spade.'”

See also:

Tags: , , , ,

‘The One Time I Really Got Hurt Was In Honolulu. I Was Fighting This Girl, And She Must Have Gotten Me With Her Fingernail.”

December 10, 2010 in Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Derby women take a leap during the sport's first heyday in the 1950s, when it was a TV staple.

In addition to a million other things he’s done in his amazing career, the legendary journalist Frank Deford was a pioneering writer about roller derby. I’ve seen Five Strides on the Banked Track, his out-of-print book about the roller sport for sale online for anywhere from $55 to $700. That volume grew out of a 1969 Sports Illustrated article of the same name. Deford was fully aware of the feminist appeal of the pseudo-sport and its then-greatest star Ann Calvello, whom he profiled. An excerpt from the article about Calvello:

“‘The one time I really got hurt was in Honolulu. I was fighting this girl, and she must have gotten me with her fingernail. I didn’t even know it was my eye till all this blood came pouring out, so right away—this one time—I went to the doctor at the hospital, because eyes are the one thing I don’t want to fool around with. Well, the doctor took one look at me, with the blue hair, the blue lipstick, the red blood pouring out of my eye, the green-and-gold uniform, and he had to figure I was straight into Honolulu from outer space.’

Frank Deford was the editor of the short-lived, much-lamented sports daily, "The National." (Image by Bridgeport Public Library.)

Little escapes Calvello. The acid comment she spills forth is the product of her wit and is not related to the meanness that she exhibits on the track. She is certainly a leader by any standard, astrological or otherwise. As soon as she reaches the bar with her silver chalice she is in charge. She directs the conversation, sometimes two conversations at a time—the one she is dominating and the adjoining one that she overhears. She distributes nicknames to everybody. She outlaws shoptalk. ‘No skating talk while drinking’ is the first Calvello law.

While she is hardly just another pretty face, Calvello is still slim and attractively winsome after 20 years on the tour. She dresses exceptionally well and is able to get away with wearing youthful clothes that most women her age would be afraid of. Divorced many years ago from a former Derby referee, Ann also likes her men young. On the tour, in the company of Eddie Krebs, a wistful, temperamental Leo himself, Ann sparkled, particularly when the other skaters kidded Krebs that he was starting to look 40 and Calvello 20. Krebs, slim to start with, had lost almost 40 pounds on the tour. With his handsome, chiseled face, long page-boy hair and a haunting high-pitched giggle, he and the blue-haired, hoarse-throated Calvello made a couple that seemed straight out of an avant-garde French movie. It was the only tour romance.”

Tags: , ,

“Evel Knievel Is Now In Southern Nevada Memorial Hospital, Recovering From Compound Fractures Of The Hip And Pelvis”

November 30, 2010 in Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Evel Knievel aboard a less lethal cycle. (Image courtesy of Bill Wolf.)

I’ve long admired “He’s Not a Bird, He’s Not a Plane,” a fun profile of the late, great motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel from the February 5, 1968 issue of Sports Illustrated. The piece was penned by Gilbert Rogin, a novelist who was also SI‘s managing editor.

The article relays what a sensation Knievel was in the ’60s and ’70s. He dressed like Elvis and escaped death like Houdini, although the dark side of his appeal was the sick fascination of watching what would happen if he couldn’t avert disaster, as he jumped his motorcycle over rows of cars, hotel fountains and actual rivers.

Knievel had none of the sociopolitical significance of Muhammad Ali, but he shared the boxer’s keen understanding of Hollywood, hoopla and the hard sell. He went through a lot of money, broken bones, personal problems, a rock opera and a late-life religious conversion before his death in 2007. In Rogin’s piece, Knievel touted his desire to jump across the Grand Canyon (which never happened). An excerpt about his not-so-successful jump over the fountains at Caesar’s Palace on the last day of 1967:

“On New Year’s Eve, Knievel jumped the ornamental fountains in front of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, which are billed as the World’s Largest Privately Owned Fountains. Several weeks earlier he had said, ‘I know I can jump these babies, but what I don’t know is whether I can hold on to the motorcycle when it lands. Oh, boy, I hope I don’t fall off.’

Knievel’s fears were justified. Shortly after the motorcycle hit the landing ramp, he fell and rolled 165 feet across an asphalt parking lot. Knievel is now in Southern Nevada Memorial Hospital, recovering from compound fractures of the hip and pelvis. ‘Everything seemed to come apart,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t hang on to the motorcycle. I kept smashing over and over and over and over and over, and I kept saying to myself, ‘Stay conscious, stay conscious.’ But, hey, I made the fountains!'”

••••••••••

Knievel “jumps” the Snake River Canyon, 1974:

Tags: ,

Prodigy Plays Pool At Grand Central Station (1966)

November 24, 2010 in Photography, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Jean Balukas puts on a special exhibition at Grand Central Station in 1966.

Jean Balukas is the Brooklyn-born pool prodigy who was wowing spectators from the time she was tiny. In this photograph. six-year-old Jean puts on a display of her cue work at Grand Central Station. And her amazing talents didn’t dry up in youth: Balukas had one of the greatest careers in the game’s history. She was also known as a strong-willed individual who rebelled against the accepted dress codes for the sport’s women and eventually burned out on the game because of too much self-imposed pressure to win each match. She retired to manage her family’s pool hall in Bay Ridge.

In the video below, Balukas shares her talents (and great Brooklyn accent) with Steve Allen on I’ve Got a Secret.

Tags: ,

Can Sports Teams Uplift A Troubled City?

November 24, 2010 in Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Derrick Mason holds the record for all-purpose yards by a wide receiver in a single season.

The Sports Economist pulled a smart exchange from a recent Baltimore Sun Q&A that Kevin Van Valkenburg conducted with Derrick Mason, a member of the Ravens. The Sun wisely asked the NFL veteran about that awful cliche that you hear announcers use when a team from a downtrodden city wins a championship–that a victory by a local sports franchise will somehow uplift the area and solve its problems. Mason wasn’t having it. An excerpt:

“Q: You’re from Detroit. You were born there, grew up there, went to college at nearby Michigan State, and still have family there. Obviously Detroit is a city that’s dealt with its share of problems in recent years. I’ve seen a lot of people in my profession write stories about how the success of a profession sports franchise can uplift a city, and inspire it’s residents in difficult times. We saw it happen a ton when the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl last year, but those same stories were written when the Tigers made the playoffs, when the Pistons won an NBA title, and when Michigan State made the Final Four. What do you think about that?

A: I don’t think there is any truth to it. When you’re winning, honestly, people are excited. But it’s not going to do any good for jobs. It’s not going to bring General Motors, Chrysler and Ford back. If their team is winning, that just gives them something to enjoy on a Sunday. Or something to talk about. But as far as uplifting a city, I haven’t seen it happen. Even in New Orleans. People said when the Saints won the Super Bowl it would regenerate the economy down there in the city. For a time being, it did help the city. But New Orleans is still in the same situation they’re in now, just like a lot of other cities. Especially in this economy, a sports team is not going to lift up a city to where it’s going to come out where it was. It will lift it up to a point, but once the season is over with, they’re done. That uplifting is gone.”

Tags: ,

Elephant Versus Donkey In Race From Luna Park In Coney Island To Washington D.C. (1911)

November 11, 2010 in Photography, Politics, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Sheets draped on the animals read: "To The White House Or Bust!"

In July 1911, Luna Park in Coney Island, Brooklyn, was the starting line of a race between an elephant and a donkey, which was to conclude in Washington D.C. The stunt was supposed to be a predictor of the following year’s Presidential election. Luna Park owner Frederic Thompson backed the Dems’ beast of burden, while “Uncle” Joe Cannon, the Republican stalwart and former Speaker of the House, seconded the GOP pachyderm. The two men wagered a cigar on the outcome, and the race received national attention.

The contest was threatened when Jennie the Donkey died from heatstroke on the eve of the battle and had to be replaced by Jennie II. Judy the Elephant showed up ready and willing as expected. The animals strode over the Manhattan Bridge, down Broadway and rode aboard the Staten Island Ferry. Jennie II took an early lead, but the rivals were soon even once more. Frustratingly, both archived articles on the New York Times site (here and here) focus only on the early part of the race, and don’t provide the result.

If the subsequent election was any indication, Jennie II won easily: Democrat Woodrow Wilson trounced Republican William Taft and Theodore Roosevelt.

Tags: , , , ,

“Of The Dozens Of Rookies Signed By NFL Teams This Summer, Perhaps The Most Unlikely One Is A 24-Year-Old Punter From Romania”

November 8, 2010 in Excerpts, Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

Zoltan Mesko at Michigan. (Image by cgilmour.)

Billed by the Wall Street Journal as “the most interesting man in the NFL,” Romanian immigrant Zoltan Mesko was a standout punter at Michigan before being drafted by the New England Patriots. He has one of the more unusual backgrounds among NFLers. An excerpt from John U. Bacon’s WSJ piece:

“Of the dozens of rookies signed by NFL teams this summer, perhaps the most unlikely one is a 24-year-old punter from Romania who stands 6-foot-4 and sports what he calls ‘a buzz cut and a big, goofy smile.’

The wonderfully named Zoltan Mesko speaks five languages and grew up dreaming of being an aerospace engineer before graduating from Michigan with a business degree and a master’s in sports management. He got lured into football only after he smashed a ceiling light with a kick ball in his Twinsburg, Ohio, junior-high-school gym.

‘When I was 10 years old, I barely knew American football existed,’ he adds. ‘If you would’ve told me I’d get two degrees and a pro contract for kicking a ball in the air, I probably would have said, ‘Oh yeah? Are you going to disappear into thin air for your next act?'”

Tags: ,

Featured Video: Bruce Lee Playing Ping Pong

October 5, 2010 in Sports, Videos | Permalink

Videos of Bruce Lee playing ping pong (really well) with nunchucks surface occasionally, but they’re always amazing to watch. How exactly did he do it?

More Videos:

Tags:

Miscellaneous Media: Jim Otto Football Card

September 22, 2010 in Misc., Sports | Permalink

"In the off season, Jim breeds horses and works in bowling public relations."

I briefly got my long, elegant fingers on a 1965 Topps football card of Jim Otto of the Oakland Raiders of the American Football League. The card is kind of strange because the palindromic center is wearing number “50” in the picture even though Otto wore “00” for his entire career after his rookie year in 1960. Otto had a very distinguished career until his retirement in 1974–never missing a single game due to injury or illness–but he never could have envisioned during his playing career that decades later he would become a recurring symbol in the work of Cremaster artist Matthew Barney. It’s funny sometimes how people invent themselves and then are later reinvented in surprising ways by others. Here’s the copy on the reverse side of the card:

“Jim is one of the three original players still performing for the Oakland Raiders. He is considered to be one of the best all around centers in the in the American Football League. He has been an All-Selection every year. An excellent blocker, Jim handles his position with poise and pride. Jim starred at Miami where he performed as an offensive center and a defensive linebacker. In the off season, Jim breeds horses and works in bowling public relations.”

More Miscellaneous Media:

  • Miniature Aircraft Quarterly. (1998)
  • Howeird Stern 50 Ways to Rank Your Mother LP. (1982)
  • A Knight’s Hard Day. (1964)
  • The Lowbrow Reader remembers Ol’ Dirty Bastard. (2004)
  • LP record about the 1972 Oakland A’s.
  • Madison Square Garden professional wrestling program. (1981)
  • Spy magazine. (1989)
  • Artis Gilmore ABA basketball card. (1973-74)
  • San Francisco cable car ticket stub. (1990s)
  • Bronx high school newspaper. (1947)
  • Mad magazine. (1966)
  • Vancouver Blazers hockey guide. (1974-75)
  • John Hummer NBA card. (1973)
  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

    • Tags: ,

    Featured Video: “Bruce Lee’s Adventures In Oakland”

    September 13, 2010 in Sports, Urban Studies, Videos | Permalink

    Oakland Mayor Ron Dellums is trying to reclaim some of his city’s history, hoping to gain landmark status for Bruce Lee’s famous Oakland martial arts studio, which has been an auto dealership for the last 25 years. The studio was long ago the site of hand-to-hand combat between a 24-year-old Lee and fellow Bay Area instructor Wong Jack Man, who was enraged that Lee accepted Caucasian students. It was the moment that Lee began to become famous. The following is excerpt from a Bay Citizen article about the encounter. (Thanks to boing boing.)

    “It’s a Toyota dealership now. But 45 years ago, 4175 Broadway was the site of a kung fu showdown that changed martial arts forever. Bruce Lee, a 24 year-old dropout from the University of Washington had recently landed in North Oakland, where he opened a martial arts studio not far from Oakland Technical High School. The school quickly attracted students. It also made enemies. The Bay Area’s martial arts establishment vilified Lee for accepting non-Chinese pupils.

    The beef came to blows when Wong Jack Man crossed the bay from San Francisco to fight in a pre-arranged match with Lee’s livelihood at stake. If Lee lost the bout, he’d have to close the studio. Depending on whose account you believe, Lee either won the fight, or it ended in a draw. But it was because of his experiences during this duel that Lee later developed the fighting style that would make him a worldwide legend, the style of no style.”

    More Featured Videos:

    Tags: , ,

    Old Print Ad: Pro Football Game Tickets (1947)

    September 7, 2010 in Misc., Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

    The New York Giants finished 2-8-2 that season.

    This very bare-bones print ad appeared in the same 1947 Bronx high school newspaper that I posted from earlier. It was a special offer to students who wanted to see the New York Giants play pigskin. The game–as well as the Giants’ season–ended up a disappointment, with the New York squad being shut out 14-0. But the price was right. The ad copy in full:

    “FOOTBALL

    Polo Grounds
    Sunday
    October 19 2:05pm

    New York Football Giants

    vs.

    Boston Yanks

    School students will be admitted for 50 cents at special entrance. 159th Street and 8th Avenue only.”

    More Old Print Ads:

    Miscellaneous Media: “Finley’s Heroes” LP (1972)

    August 26, 2010 in Misc., Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

    Finley wanted MLB to use orange balls for night games. Not such a crazy idea if you think about it.

    Because you didn’t already have enough long-playing records featuring baseball players Dal Maxvill, Joe Rudi and Matty Alou, Fleetwood Sounds rushed out this quickie LP in 1972 in the wake of the extremely hirsute Oakland A’s winning their first World Series. The “Finley” of the title is, of course, the late owner of the team, Charlie Finley, who was bold and innovative and a real prick.

    The A’s broadcast team narrates the story of the team’s winning season, with play-by-play action, highlights and interviews. An excerpt from the jacket copy:

    Charlie Finley later had LASIK surgery on his forehead.

    “With their shaggy hair, bold mustaches and eye-catching uniforms, the swingin’ A’s acquired a reputation in 1972 as one of the most colorful teams in the history of baseball. But far more important than being colorful, the A’s also proved that they were the best in baseball in bringing to the Bay Area its first world championship.

    As told by A’s announcers Monte Moore and Jim Piersall, this is the story that excited the entire Bay Area as nothing ever had before. It’s the story of the swingin’ A’s–the world champion A’s.”

    Tags: , , , , ,

    Miscellaneous Media: Madison Square Garden Professional Wrestling Program (1981)

    August 22, 2010 in Misc., Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

    There's a picture inside of Andy Kaufman posing with canine-ish wrestlers known as the Moondogs.

    I briefly got my bent, bony fingers on a copy of a pro wrestling program for a card that was presented at Madison Square Garden on July 20, 1981. The cover has a photo of a grappler named Magnificent Muraco. This fellow appeared to be something of a braggart who thought he was superior to his opponents and the fans in attendance. I’m sure the arrogance was just his way of covering up his insecurities, but I hope he received a sound thrashing just the same.

    Inside the pub there are a variety of stories hyping different wrestlers and matches. Page three contains a thoughtful essay about legendary bad guy George “the Animal” Steele. An excerpt:

    “He has earned the nickname of ‘The Animal’ for his completely unruly and unpredictable actions in the rings. Many feel that the man is actually a bit crazy. He has been known to actually bite apart the turnbuckle covers with his teeth on a number of occasions! It has been noted that Steele usually has a far away look in his eyes, and appears to have some strange green substance on his tongue. As Pat Patterson recently suggested, it should be looked into. Either he is not too healthy, or he has some foreign substance in his mouth that he may intend to use on his opponents.”

    Tags: , , , ,

    Miscellaneous Media: Artis Gilmore ABA Card

    August 14, 2010 in Misc., Sports | Permalink

    Card insert shows off Gilmore's amazing Afro.

    I recently got my long, elegant fingers on an Artis Gilmore basketball card from 1973-74, when the 7′ 2″ center was entering his third season with the Kentucky Colonels of the American Basketball Association. Gilmore played 17 seasons in the ABA and NBA and was one of the greatest big men of all time, making the All-Star team 11 times. He played one additional season in Italy. It’s a perplexing oversight that the Gilmore has never even been close to being voted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Perhaps his strong game has been overshadowed by his even stronger Afro.

    In 2007, Gilmore joined the staff of his alma mater, Jackonsville University. That’s the last reference to him I can find. The following is the text on the reverse side of his card:

    “The top vote-getter in balloting for the 1972-73 ABA All-Star Team, Artis was the only repeater from the 1971-72 First Team. A dominating man in the middle on defense and off the boards, he led the league in Rebounding, 2-Point Field Goal Shooting and Blocked Shots for the second consecutive season. Artis also was 10th in Scoring with 20.8 Average. Artis and his wife became parents for the 1st time 1-26-73.”

    More Miscellaneous Media:

  • San Francisco cable car ticket stub. (1990s)
  • Bronx high school newspaper. (1947)
  • Mad magazine. (1966)
  • Vancouver Blazers hockey guide. (1974-75)
  • John Hummer NBA card. (1973)
  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

    • Tags:

    NFL Rule Changes: Kidnappings Now Permissible

    August 9, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

    NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: I was just really tired of suspending everyone. (Image by Bradley Lail.)

    The NFL Rules Committee recently met and have made some changes to modernize America’s favorite sport and make it even more reprehensible. Commissioner Roger Goodell was tired of reprimanding everyone in football anyhow, so he decided to say fuck the rules to reduce the number of player suspensions and fan arrests. Dogfighting, gun and drug possession, beating up strippers, ticket holders behaving like boxcar hobos and players experiencing brain damage is just the beginning. Shit’s gonna get effed up, people!

    For one thing, kidnapping is now legal. If the other team has a player who’s really making it difficult for your team to win the game, your guys can get some guns and rope and kidnap that player from the opposing sidelines. Then they can have that player beg for mercy before the cameras to psyche out the other team. Fans will not only be able to bet money they don’t have on game outcomes but also on which players will emerge from their kidnappings alive.

    Players will no longer wear helmets. They’re getting brain damaged already anyhow, but it’s happening in a way that’s subtle, gradual and not entertaining. Now they’ll be a chance to literally see some of the damaged brains, should they ooze from a player’s gashed, bloody head. CT scans of the injured skulls will be taken as soon as players are carted off the field, and the head X-rays will be displayed on the scoreboard along with other stats.

    Who wants to pistol-whip the free safety? (Image by Belinda Hankins Miller.)

    Officials will be required to carry firearms, though they will only be able to use them to murder players at non-skill positions. If an official accidentally kills a quarterback or running back, he in turn will also be murdered. These executions will occur at mid-field via lethal injection, which will be administered by the referee the condemned official was least friendly with. Announcers will be encouraged to use profanities and talk trash about former announcers who have recently passed away. Those losers were weak and cowardly and their grieving families should know.

    Only fans have been able to get disgustingly drunk during games in the past, but players will now be permitted to drink booze and smoke weed on the sidelines. The liquor they drink will, however, have to be made by an NFL sponsor. It’s a great way to raise revenue through product placement. Cheerleaders are being replaced by prostitutes, who will provide players and coaches with blowjobs and quickies at halftime. Fans will likewise be permitted to have sex in the stands between halves, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes or purchase prostitutes from the concession stand. Fans who have grown too obese to perform sexually will be able to watch a porno on the Jumbotron so that they can remember what arousal felt like.

    The NFL will be much more interactive since fans will help determine when games are over. The 60-minute playing time will no longer be observed. Games will continue until 100 players and/or spectators have died from cardiac arrest or alcohol poisoning. The team with the most points at that juncture will win, and the deceased will be buried in a mass grave beneath the 30-yard line before carrion can have at them.

    Are you ready for some football?

    More Entertainment and Sports News:

    Tags:

    Miscellaneous Media: The 1974-75 Illustrated Guide For The Vancouver Blazers Of The WHA

    July 17, 2010 in Misc., Sports | Permalink

    The Blazers, which had relocated from Philly, shared an arena with the Canucks of the NHL.

    I briefly got my bruised, double-jointed fingers on a copy of a 1974-75 guide for the Vancouver Blazers of the old World Hockey Association. As I’ve stated before, I’m no big fan of hockey, but why not take a gander at an old piece of miscellaneous media?

    The WHA operated in  the U.S. and Canada in the 1970s, trying to compete with the NHL. The Vancouver Blazers were only a fleeting part of that city, soon moving on to become the Calgary Cowboys.  It was a different sport in those days, with small salaries and an emphasis on toughness and fighting. One player listed under “Future Blazers” was Rick Jodzio, who was the son of a middleweight boxer and spent a good amount of off-ice time hitting the heavy bag. When the team moved to Calgary, Jodzio was involved in one of the sport’s most infamous moments, in which he was taken to court after beating Quebec Nordiques player Marc Tardif so badly that he was hospitalized. (Of course, footage of that brawl exists online.)

    A more typical player was veteran right winger Johnny McKenzie. An excerpt about him from the guide:

    “Whether they call him ‘Pie’ or ‘Cowboy,’ just two of his nicknames, they’ve been calling McKenzie a big-leaguer since he broke in with the Chicago Black Hawks in 1958. He also spent time with Detroit Red Wings and New York Rangers before joining the Boston Bruins in 1965. Although he never weighed more than 175 pounds, he became the symbol of the Bruins’ toughness and one of the most feared checkers in the National Hockey League. Born in High River, Alberta, he makes his year-round home in Vancouver. At one time he broke broncs and rode Brahma bulls in a rodeo circuit.”

    More Miscellaneous Media:

  • John Hummer NBA card.
  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

    • Tags: , ,

    Listeria: Prices Of Athletic Goods In Brooklyn Right Around 1900

    July 15, 2010 in Sports | Permalink

    Ordinary bicycle.

    Based on the Brooklyn Daily Eagle.

    • Rambler Bicycles…$40.
    • Boys and Girls Bicycles…$9.98
    • Punching Bags (with tested bladders)…$5, $1.98, 98¢
    • Ice Skates…$3.25
    • Tether Tennis Set…$2.23
    • Newport Tennis Racquets….$1.49
    • Rugby Foot Balls…$1
    • Croquet Sets…98¢
    • Raymond’s Roller Skates…95¢
    • Foot Ball Pants…95¢
    • Boys Finger Baseball Glove (made of buckskin)… 71¢
    • Bicycle Oil Lamps…59¢
    • Lawn Tennis Rackets…50¢
    • Large Two Mast Boats for the Boys…39¢
    • Henley Golf Balls…25¢
    • Boys Catchers Mitt….25¢
    • Boys Catchers Mask…17¢
    • Bicycle Bell…15¢

    New Weekly Program Coming Soon To ESPN: Lebron James Discusses His Pecker Variety Hour

    July 11, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

    Lebron James: South Beach has much better pecker weather than Cleveland.

    Coming off the ratings bonanza of Lebron James’ The Decision show, in which he revealed which NBA team he would play for next, ESPN has greenlighted the latest program idea from Camp Lebron, a show that has the newest member of the Miami Heat discussing his pecker. While James’ ego was somewhat satisfied by the non-stop attention from journalists and billionaire team owners and his ability to talk about his “talents” in front of millions of people, there was precious little time left for him to discuss his pecker. James is hoping the new show will remedy that oversight and help his pecker build a global brand.

    ESPN President George Bodenheimer quickly cleared the programming slate when he found out Lebron and his pecker were available, especially since King James agreed to donate proceeds from the ad sales of his program to charity. “Not only will this be groundbreaking programming,” Bodenheimer said from ESPN headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut, “but just think of the good Greenpeace can do with all that pecker money.”

    Host Jim Gray will be on hand to ask Lebron tough questions about his pecker’s life on and off the court. The program will be immediately followed by Charles Barkley’s Vampire Disco Bullfight Execution Hour, in which the former forward will get effed up and just wing it.

     

    Charles Barkley: I decide which matadors get to live. 

    Tags: , , ,

    Listeria: 19th-Century Baseball Team Names

    July 6, 2010 in Sports, Urban Studies | Permalink

    The 1889 Brooklyn Bridegrooms led the American Association in fancy-looking mustaches.

    According to Baseball-Reference.com. Surviving teams are linked to their modern incarnations.

    • Boston Beaneaters
    • Brooklyn Bridegrooms
    • Cleveland Blues
    • Detroit Wolverines
    • Hartford Dark Blues
    • Kansas City Cowboys
    • Louisville Colonels
    • St. Louis Maroons
    • Troy Trojans
    • Worcester Ruby Legs

    Miscellaneous Media: John Hummer NBA Card

    June 27, 2010 in Misc., Sports | Permalink

    John Hummer: Today I sit on the board of Baynote, Birst and Elastra.

    I briefly got my long, elegant fingers on a 1972 John Hummer basketball card. Hummer was a forward who was playing with the NBA’s Buffalo Braves at that point. Averaging a pedestrian 6.9 points per game in his career, Hummer was no great cager on the pro level, but he was an exceptionally bright person.

    Hummer graduated from Princeton in 1970 and was selected by the new Buffalo franchise. He played for a handful of teams for a half-dozen years, being coached for a while by Hall of Famer Bill Russell in Seattle, before heading to Stanford to earn an MBA. In 1980, he co-founded a venture capital firm that invests in software companies. An excerpt from the back of his card:

    “The Braves’ first draft choice in 1970, John was a starting forward throughout most of the year and was an honorable mention for the NBA All-Rookie team. He has shown great promise on defense. He was All-Ivy League for two years at Princeton. John likes to read in his spare time.”

    More Miscellaneous Media:

  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

    • Tags:

    Lady Gaga Urinates On Home Plate At Yankee Stadium

    June 22, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports | Permalink

    Lady Gaga: There was a line at the restroom. (Image by Daniel Åhs Karlsson.)

    Worried that someone somewhere in the world wasn’t paying attention only to her, Lady Gaga climbed down from the stands at Sunday’s Yankee game and urinated on home plate just before the start of the sixth inning. Taking off her clothes, grabbing her private parts and making obscene gestures in the luxury boxes for the game’s first two hours helped her make a spectacle of herself, but it wasn’t until she had downed a few large beers that Gaga was ready to unleash the piece de resistance. Imitating the squatting style of the late catcher Elston Howard, the New York-born singer gave the capacity crowd an amazing show.

    “Wow, she’s a great entertainer,” said Yankee fan Phil Vacco, 21, of Bay Ridge. “That’s why I live in New York. To see big stars behave like filthy hobos.”

    Yogi Berra: I'm sure glad I retired. Home plate smells like pee-pee.

    Lady Gaga has enjoyed a meteoric rise over the past year, going from completely unknown to completely boring in record time. Now totally overexposed, she’s burned through Madonna’s whole tired act in a matter of months.

    “My fans are everything to me, and I would die for them,” Gaga said, pulling up her torn underwear after she was finished taking a leak.

    Then she headed to Monument Park where she set fire to a statue of Lou Gehrig and performed public sex acts with old timer Joe Pepitone.

    Tags: , , ,

    Miscellaneous Media: Carolina Cougars 1970 ABA Yearbook

    June 14, 2010 in Misc., Sports | Permalink

    Yearbook cost a buck back in 1970.

    I got my bent, bony fingers on a copy of the 1970 yearbook of the Carolina Cougars of the long-defunct American Basketball Association. Since no city in North Carolina had a large enough population to support a sports franchise, some local businesspeople decided to purchase the struggling Houston Mavericks in 1969 and turn it into a regional franchise that would alternate home games in four NC cities: Charlotte, Greensboro, Raleigh and Winston-Salem. The team had some success on the court and attracted national attention for the novelty of its regional operation, but it only survived from 1969-1974, before moving to St. Louis.

    What’s most interesting about the yearbook is the description of player Larry Miller, who later set the single-game record for ABA scoring in 1972, pouring in 67 against the Memphis Pros. The copy about Miller, however, focused more on his off-the-court scoring. An excerpt:

    “Here he is girls: Instant Party. The ABA’s most eligible bachelor. The Lochinvar in low cuts. Larry came to the Cougars from the Los Angeles Stars where he was one of the league’s All Rookie team members in his first season last year. Larry aspires to play guard and feels that he can do the job. Both Los Angeles and the Cougars have used him primarily as a forward but Larry has shown some proficiency with the three point goal.

    Larry Miller: "Instant Party."

    Off the court Larry is the blithe spirit of pro basketball. His wardrobe of mod attire rivals that of Joe Namath, but there are no mink coats in Larry’s closets. His off season activities include an acting career in Hollywood and a boys’ basketball camp in Charlotte. These keep him hopping between the east and west coasts.

    His Carolina abode is an evergreen surrounded country home located on a private lake. Larry shared the posh bachelors’ pad with teammate Rich Niemann, the Cougars’ 7-foot-1 center. Niemann’s upcoming marriage to a pretty young lady from Kansas City will leave Larry alone with Timmy, the German Shephard who was a pup when Larry was at UNC and has traveled back and forth across the country with him.

    But of course his loneliness in the posh pad will be dissipated with several thousand dollars worth of hi-fi equipment complete with special psychedelic lights and a collection of date books that is already approaching several volumes. How much suffering can a man take?”

    More Miscellaneous Media:

  • The Washington Senators Official MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.

    • « Older entries § Newer entries »