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10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor:
Afflictor: Thinking that in a more enlightened America, all mothers, not just teen moms, would have the opportunity to release sex tapes.
Piers Morgan: What if Morton Downey Jr. had been British?
The 5 foreign nations sending the most traffic to Afflictor in April:
Times are rough out here, and I’ve been without a steady job for almost 2 years and I am in desperate need of money. Since I have nothing left this is the only thing I can think of. I am willing to sell myself for your service for 24 hours or however long you like. The only rule is that I can’t do anything illegal or cause bodily harm to others or myself. Other than that I am all yours. A little about me: I am 25 year old college graduate male. Tall 6’2 and 260 pounds. If any questions or concerns let me know. Please I am desperate for money so don’t waste my time.
“I had terrible diarrhea. Must have been the eggs. Never again.”
They were poached.
A man in his 30s talking to a woman in her 30s at a Manhattan Starbucks:
“Ernest Hemingway was a very good writer…apparently.”
I’m going to shoot myself again.
Our customers pay $5 for a bad latte. Of course, they’re stupid.
“I metal detect as a hobby.”
Have you lost something in your yard? Let me bring my metal detector and help find it. I metal detect as a hobby and would enjoy helping you.
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Thinking that the only books Dubya needs in his Presidential Library are…
…The Pet Goat…
…and The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“The worst part was the BLOOD.”
I just got up at five AM to clean a couch. I woke up in the middle of the night and eventually decided to just get up, because I could not stand the fact that the smell of urine, yes urine, was on that couch.
I got this couch off craigslist. Buyer beware! It might seem awkward but it might be a good idea to take a sniff of the couch you are going to buy. Or don’t buy a couch secondhand at all. I went to ikea today for the first time and saw a comparable couch for just a little more.
The urine was not even the worst part. The worst part was the BLOOD. Yes, blood. All over the cushion on the right part, and some on the left. I discovered this when I tried to remove the covers for washing. I was not able to get the covers off because the zipper is too close to the frame on the front right. The left cover I can’t get off either. I know they do come off because there is blood on the cushion, but the cover is white and with no blood on the inside. So the owner must have gotten them off for cleaning.
When I emailed him about it, he said maybe the blood was from a mover’s hand. (What? And the moving was another headache I won’t even get into) I don’t know how he could possibly own this couch and not know that the entire cushion was covered in BLOOD. And to my question about how exactly to get the cover off, because it is stuck on the bottom right, he replied obtusely “the covers come off for cleaning.” I feel like I am talking to a robot that just spits the same answer at you and only has one line to say. I sent him a clear explanation of the situation- did not even blame him for not telling me about the blood- and he just gives this line back.
I got this couch on Saturday morning and spent Saturday night cleaning it. I took a break (and let it dry) on Sunday but then woke up in the middle of the night and finally got up to clean the cover as it was, partially unzippered from the couch. I just put some dishwashing soap on a sponge and wiped it over. It absorbed into the microfiber and I dont even know how to rinse it out properly.
I’ve spent several hours now cleaning this disgusting couch and needless to say it wasn’t worth it. I want to warn people on craigslist not to make my mistake. Don’t let anyone rush you through a purchase, and thoroughly examine the item before buying! Don’t be too polite to ask questions. If at all in doubt, don’t buy it. And if at all possible just buy a new couch. There were couches at ikea for $149 and $200. They may not be the exact or ideal couch you want, but at least they will not be biohazards!!
“…so that we can perform an at home insemination.”
Me and my girlfriend are looking for someone to provide sperm so that we can perform an at home insemination. You would have to sign a contract signing over any parental rights. You would also have to have a full physical to make sure that you are healthy and to test your sperm count level. Lastly, you would feel out a questionnaire upon meeting so that we could know more about you. If interested, please email me telling me a little about yourself. I am paying $500 for each time that you produce sperm even if we don’t get pregnant. We are lookin for someone that resembles me. I am African American … Very light skinned.. I have light brown eyes. Athletic build. Of course I’m not looking for my male twin but someone in resemblance.
Please feel free to send me a picture along with a little about yourself. I am paying $500. Thank you. Jay.
Tags: Jay
also looking for a clean in good working order v c r with its remote. its for an 86 year old man.
Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Believing that most of this week felt like a marathon without a finish line.
“DIY spirit.”
3 seater pullout couch, free, very stained with dogs period blood, gross i know but its free and with a little DIY spirit it can surely be revived yet again.
6th floor elevator.
peace.
“Would even consider human skulls and such.”
Hi,
I own a small antique store in Yardley Borough and am coming up on my store’s 1 year anniversary. Looking for unusual taxidermy (not deer), stuffed animal diorama pieces or animals in jars. Would even consider human skulls and such to use as display pieces at my store.
Just a quick reminder about the Revenge of the Mekons fundraiser party I told you about recently. It’s tonight at 7pm, so RSVP at events@alisoneighteen.com or call (212) 366-1818. In addition to beer, film, food, fun and Franzen, there will also be an auction of rare Mekons posters and art work. It will be a silent auction, so shut the fuck up.
Will there be any Mekons there? It’s a cash bar, so you do the math.
Tags: Joe Angio
“I live on a small farm, never left, don’t fuck with me.”
if the family that came here to find there great grand fathers sward and was turned away by a big dumb ass gets this message if you remember when you came here you went to the white house your grandfather built and my grandfather sold then you walked right by me to another house and asked permission to dig any way all i know is i heard you were from new york and you never talked to the right person that would have been me. you walked by me two times once to get lied to and once to leave. i dont know your name or can i get any information because you did not leave any this was around 2002. it has been on my mind, if you get ahold of me and describe what you came here in and can verify you are the right people by the story of what happened because i do know the story but any way your time is getting short. you did not try hard enough you talked to the wrong people you would get better results by not giving up so easy. email me.
note to others: if you are not the people that came here for the swards do not bother they are not for sale. i am trying to find the owners, besides me.i dont know new york & i may be posting in the wrong part i live on a small farm, never left, do not fuck with me, i dont care. thank you
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Fearing that LL Cool J and Brad Paisley, America’s two dumbest entertainers, are working on a new song to help us forget the Holocaust.
I hope it goes viral like “Harlem Shake.”
I’m always happy to answer your emails, be they positive or negative.
______________________________
[redacted] 4:17 PM (1 hour ago)
to me
In your piece on Babe Ruth, you say there were’nt a lot of great players in the early decades, in part because of the color line. What racist nonsense! So you have to be black to be great? There were many many stars from the very beginning. Come to grips with your prejudiced thinking.
Darren D’Addario <afflictor1@gmail.com> 5:23 PM (40 minutes ago)
to [redacted]
Your dishonest argument (that I stated or suggested that you had to be black to be great) shows how bankrupt your position is. Baseball didn’t have a critical mass of tremendous talent in the game’s early years for a variety of reasons (the lack of good salaries, its raffish nature, the paucity of a minor-league system as we know it), but the color line certainly was a huge factor in watering down the game. If you don’t acknowledge that basic fact, perhaps you need to come to grips with your prejudiced thinking.
“Think of me as an organizer of fun.”
I am born and raised in NY I live and breath NY. Nothing is home like walking around Manhattan. Well for the reason for the ad. I’be been unemployed for sometime now and not sure if I’m willing to get back in the rat race again looking for something more life satisfying. Really taking a good look at my desires and abitities and come to a few conclusions. Life is way to short and if not everyone most people feel like their in whole you just can’t escape. I want to make your goals my goals. I know tons of talented and not so talented people but we all have a talent we excell at. For me I love people the more time and variety of personalities I reach the more fulfilled I fell. I want to hear from you let me know what you would like out of life and I want to help from the mundane to the crazy 1 hour 1 NIGHT a trip with a friend.
Don’t misunderstand I will not perform any services myself. What I’m asking is maybe to have lunch ill pay I want to hear your fantasy and help you follow thru and ill put all the players to action.
You have a party, anniversary, looking to propose I’ll make you feel like the star you should be.
Want to hang with friends have a exotic night,male, female, gay, bi, swingers just a regular man/women and not sure how to get what you want.
I know how I’m in NYC and NJ I want to help you go to that place that you feel fulfilled and satisfied place. I don’t bite I’m not joking and it wont cost you to email and start some dialogue with me its free worst case you’ll meet a straight forward visionary who sees everyone as a person with desires just like me.
From the thug in the street to the matrede in the finest restaurant if I don’t know them I have a friend that will. Limos, boat rides, house party, DJ’s clubs, restaurants, strippers, you name it call me? I can only handle sooooo much need to shuffle thru the talkers to find some real honest people out there. By the way this is not free think of me as an organizer of fun. I want to hear from you. Tourist welcome I would also like to see real NYers like myself. Also always looking to meet new friends and associates email me with your talents and Lets talk.
I’m currently working with a limo company that has alot of there vehicles sitting Monday thru Thursday and will put together interesting treats for those days so if you have a restaurant, hall or room in manhaattan contact me I have some potential business for you Lets talk.
“Matrede.”
“Tricked.”
I will pay $20 for a clean sample and another $30 for a total of $50 for a clean sample for Monday. must test clean first before money exchanges and then must be a male under the age of 35.
I have tested clean for almost a year and unfortunately got tricked into doing something Wrong this weekend.
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Thinking NBC has an in-house candidate ready should Jimmy Fallon prove to not be edgy enough for the Tonight Show.
Let’s go Jaywalking.