2011

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Spittoon under bench, because ladies also enjoy spitting.


“New Pattern Britannia Parlor Spittoons–More the pity that such articles should be needed, but while some persons who expect to rate as gentlemen frequently expectorate on the carpets, there’s a necessity for parlor spittoons. A new and beautiful pattern just received at the Brittannia hardware store of Lucius Hart, 4 and 6 Burling Slip.”


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"Will gladly travel." (Image by Downtowngal.)

i will come get your broken shit (staten island)

I will come haul away all your broken shit, lawnmowers, weed eaters, leaf blowers, mini bikes, snowmobiles, jet skis, whatever, I will get it out of your back yard. Let me know, i live on staten island, but will gladly travel.

 

THE LAUGHING HEART

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

•••••••••

“You are marvelous…the gods wait to delight in you.”

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For roaches, the Singularlity has arrived. (Thanks IEEE Spectrum.)

"The upper 1 percent of Americans are now taking in nearly a quarter of the nation’s income every year."

From “Of the 1%, by the 1%, for the 1%,” a cogent takedown in Vanity Fair of the rising wealth inequality by economist Joseph Stiglitz:

“It’s no use pretending that what has obviously happened has not in fact happened. The upper 1 percent of Americans are now taking in nearly a quarter of the nation’s income every year. In terms of wealth rather than income, the top 1 percent control 40 percent. Their lot in life has improved considerably. Twenty-five years ago, the corresponding figures were 12 percent and 33 percent. One response might be to celebrate the ingenuity and drive that brought good fortune to these people, and to contend that a rising tide lifts all boats. That response would be misguided. While the top 1 percent have seen their incomes rise 18 percent over the past decade, those in the middle have actually seen their incomes fall. For men with only high-school degrees, the decline has been precipitous—12 percent in the last quarter-century alone. All the growth in recent decades—and more—has gone to those at the top. In terms of income equality, America lags behind any country in the old, ossified Europe that President George W. Bush used to deride. Among our closest counterparts are Russia with its oligarchs and Iran. While many of the old centers of inequality in Latin America, such as Brazil, have been striving in recent years, rather successfully, to improve the plight of the poor and reduce gaps in income, America has allowed inequality to grow.”

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As we await the merciful arrival of spring, let’s recall the scary winter.

"From 1987."

VAN JOHNSON’S HAIR FROM 1987 (Chelsea)

A summer day in 1987, Van Johnson arrived at my hair cutting shop for a trim – he was performing in La Cage aux Folles at the time… I recognized him, got his autograph and kept the hair that was cut. These items are now being sold to all interested parties as collectable memorabilia. These are completely authentic and a must have for any fan of Van Johnson.

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Some search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:

••••••••••

March Traffic Report (the most popular searches on Afflictor according to category):

Top 5 Famous People Searches:

  1. Muhammad Ali
  2. Serge Gainsbourg
  3. David Soul
  4. Groucho Marx
  5. Sitting Bull

Top 5 Most Unimaginative Searches:

  1. pictures of a toothpick
  2. woman
  3. doorknob
  4. stuff
  5. whatever

Top 5 Obscene Searches:

  1. kingkongdongs
  2. boobs pointing in different direction
  3. groping
  4. snooki – leather
  5. japanese panties

Afflictor: Trying to convince the Great Omi that his tramp stamp hasn’t gotten out of hand, since 2009.

  • Paul Allen pinpoints 1968 as the year digital technology changed forever.
  • Listeria: Definition of words from a 1912 reference book (OP + Q + R).

"No matter how tightly they clung to the surrogate mothers, however, the monkeys remained psychologically abnormal."

A note about an important shift in child rearing that occurred during the 1950s from “Hellhole,” a 2009 New Yorker article about solitary confinement by the Brooklyn-born surgeon and excellent writer Atul Gawande:

“Well into the nineteen-fifties, psychologists were encouraging parents to give children less attention and affection, in order to encourage independence. Then Harry Harlow, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, produced a series of influential studies involving baby rhesus monkeys.

He happened upon the findings in the mid-fifties, when he decided to save money for his primate-research laboratory by breeding his own lab monkeys instead of importing them from India. Because he didn’t know how to raise infant monkeys, he cared for them the way hospitals of the era cared for human infants—in nurseries, with plenty of food, warm blankets, some toys, and in isolation from other infants to prevent the spread of infection. The monkeys grew up sturdy, disease-free, and larger than those from the wild. Yet they were also profoundly disturbed, given to staring blankly and rocking in place for long periods, circling their cages repetitively, and mutilating themselves.

At first, Harlow and his graduate students couldn’t figure out what the problem was. They considered factors such as diet, patterns of light exposure, even the antibiotics they used. Then, as Deborah Blum recounts in a fascinating biography of Harlow, Love at Goon Park, one of his researchers noticed how tightly the monkeys clung to their soft blankets. Harlow wondered whether what the monkeys were missing in their Isolettes was a mother. So, in an odd experiment, he gave them an artificial one.

In the studies, one artificial mother was a doll made of terry cloth; the other was made of wire. He placed a warming device inside the dolls to make them seem more comforting. The babies, Harlow discovered, largely ignored the wire mother. But they became deeply attached to the cloth mother. They caressed it. They slept curled up on it. They ran to it when frightened. They refused replacements: they wanted only ‘their’ mother. If sharp spikes were made to randomly thrust out of the mother’s body when the rhesus babies held it, they waited patiently for the spikes to recede and returned to clutching it. No matter how tightly they clung to the surrogate mothers, however, the monkeys remained psychologically abnormal.”

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The BBC having April Fools’ Day fun 54 years ago.

"I will listen and help if I can."

Are you looking to start over? (everywhere)

Is your life not going in the direction you wish, to the point that at times you just wish you were someone else and elsewhere? We’ve all been there, so just drop a line and I will listen and help if I can. Talk to you soon!

 

A stunning example of the form.

Raccoon: A plantigrade carnivorous mammal, common to the American continent. Is about two feet long, with a bushy ringed tail, and sharp snout. Its skin is valuable. The raccoon has the peculiar habit of dipping its food in water before eating it.

Race Suicide: A term that came into popular use, referring to the view of Ex-President Roosevelt and others in regard to the willful limitation of offspring by married couples, which has been denounced as a great crime against the nation. Ex-President Roosevelt asserts that the average family should consist of four children, while others have demanded that the mother should produce, during her natural maternal period, eight children. Those who inveigh against race suicide, however, make no allowance for the necessity of limiting the human product to those who are fitted for the perpetuation of normal specimens of the race–which is the real crux of the whole question of raising the desirable citizens and so conserving the nation’s most valuable natural asset in its infant product.

Rachel: Properly Elise Rachel Félix (1820-1858), she is a celebrated French tragic actress of Jewish birth. Singing for coppers on the streets of Paris, when ten years old, she attracted attention, was educated, and became queen of the tragic stage. In character, she was neither exemplary nor amiable. Her immense popularity enabled her to dictate her own terms to managers and she used this power without scruple. Many stories are told of her greed and rapacity, nor was she ever known to make a present that she did not afterwards take back.

Rowing: A popular sport and useful art. One of its chief advantages is that it affords uniform exercise to the entire muscular system. Those who have access to a suitable boat on any safe water should cultivate it, for good oarsmanship not only affords much gratification but brings much physical benefit.

Rinks, Roller Skating: They began to be popular in 1875, and in the course of the next ten years many rinks were started all over the country, but died down after a few years, to witness a revival, more recently.

•Taken from the 1912 Standard Illustrated Book of Facts.

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Their style is reminiscent of Boris Becker.

The Emperor of Ice-Cream

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month’s newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

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"The beauty of it is that there is a large stock to choose from."

Before every infant was required by law to be accounted for by public authorities, “baby farms,” unlicensed businesses where unwanted newborns exchanged hands via shadowy doorstep adoptions, were prevalent. These were often the unwanted offspring of prostitutes. Before the transaction could be completed, these babies were not often cared for well, and the ones who perished were usually buried surreptitiously on the grounds of the farms. It was a dark practice that led to numerous shocking scandals in that era. One such adoption story which had an odd twist was covered in surprisingly sanguine fashion in the February 18, 1891 Brooklyn Daily Eagle. An excerpt:

“What is known as the ‘baby farm’ is not an entirely modern institution. Nor has it escaped its share of criticism; but it serves one excellent purpose in supplying babies at small cost to lonely couples which Providence has not blessed with children. The beauty of it is that there is a large stock to choose from and it is just as easy to obtain a bouncing little girl, with the customary blue eyes and golden hair, as it is to acquire title to a rosy, roaring and frolicsome boy. It is with keen appreciation of these advantages that Mrs. Huber of Lorimer street, this city, negotiated for a baby warranted to give satisfaction and, having taken it home, succeeded in convincing her husband that the visitor was his son and heir. Mr. Huber appears to be one of those gentle, confiding creatures who are quite willing to believe that the moon is made of green cheese, and it is absolutely certain that he would still be celebrating his newly acquired dignity as a ‘parent’ had not an unlooked for incident disturbed the serenity of his repose.

"Mr. Huber then had the pleasure of ascertaining that while Mrs. Walson Schermerhorn had changed her mind and wanted her baby back."

A few days after the appearance of the crowing youngster at the Lorimer street domicile, Mr. Huber was surprised to find his quarters invaded by strangers. There was a hack in front of the door, and upstairs, in his wife’s room, was a dashing young woman who, strange to say, made claim to Mr. Huber’s baby, and announced her intention to take it away with her, kindly promising, however, to leave another infant in its place. It is, of course, unnecessary to submit that Mr. Huber did not immediately recognize the young woman as the mother of his child, and after settling this point to his own satisfaction, came to the conclusion that he was harboring a lunatic. It was in vain that he appealed to Mrs. Huber. That estimable person, instead of becoming highly indignant at the unexpected turn of affairs, was disposed to accept the situation in a philosophical mood, and sat on the edge of the sofa closely studying the pattern of the carpet. Finally the truth was told, and Mr. Huber then had the pleasure of ascertaining that while Mrs. Watson Schermerhorn had changed her mind and wanted her baby back, Mrs. Kate Burke, polite and obliging as she was, was willing to let her baby be exchanged for it.

We do not believe that people will be disposed severely to blame the wife for the deception of which she was guilty, because her desire to be proud possessor of a prattling baby was really pathetic. It was the consuming passion of her life, for, as she innocently puts it, ‘there can be no happiness when there is no baby.’ But would it not have been advisable to consult the husband before surreptitiously introducing the stranger into the household?”

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Seems like a million things could go wrong. (Thanks Singularity Hub.)

English comic Russell Brand: Planning to live into his 40s. (Image by Brian Solis.)

England, once an empire, has gone downhill in many ways, but that country is still very good at wasting its time on Afflictor. In March, England once again delivered more unique visitors to this site than any other foreign country. Here are the Top 5 nations:

  1. Great Britain
  2. Canada
  3. Netherlands
  4. Australia
  5. Germany

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"They need you and your wisdom desperately."

Wanted: Your wisdom..

Hi, I am doing a study on wisdom and I would love to hear what you think are the most important lessons in life you have learned. Won’t you take the time to share your advice with our younger generation? I would greatly appreciate anyone willing to take the time to help our young people, some of which have no adult role models to look up to. They need you and your wisdom desperately.

 

Bob Dylan and Allen Ginsberg get attuned in 1975. (Image by Elsa Dorfman.)

Great find by the Essayist, which uncovered an online version of “The Great Marijuana Hoax,” Allen Ginsberg’s 1966 Atlantic essay in defense of the illegal herb, which was then vilified to hysterical proportions. An excerpt:

“This essay, conceived by a mature middle-aged gentleman, the holder at present of a Guggenheim Fellowship for creative writing, a traveler on many continents with experience of customs and modes of different cultures, is dedicated to those who have not smoked marijuana, who don’t know exactly what it is but have been influenced by sloppy, or secondhand, or unscientific, or (as in the case of drug-control bureaucracies) definitely self-interested language used to describe the marijuana high pejoratively. I offer the pleasant suggestion that a negative approach to the whole issue (as presently obtains in what are aptly called square circles in the USA) is not necessarily the best, and that it is time to shift to a more positive attitude toward this specific experience. If one is not inclined to have the experience oneself, this is a free country and no one is obliged to have an experience merely because friends, family, or business acquaintances have had it and report themselves pleased. On the other hand, an equal respect and courtesy are required for the sensibilities of one’s familiars for whom the experience has not been closed off by the door of Choice.”

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Urban planning students in the house.

"Hewlett-Packard introduced the first programmable desktop calculator."

In Paul Allen’s forthcoming memoir, Idea Man, which is excerpted in the new Vanity Fair, the Microsoft co-founder pinpoints ten months when the technology we know today first became possible:

“That year, 1968, would be a watershed in matters digital. In March, Hewlett-Packard introduced the first programmable desktop calculator. In June, Robert Dennard won a patent for a one-transistor cell of dynamic random-access memory, or DRAM, a new and cheaper method of temporary data storage. In July, Robert Noyce and Gordon Moore co-founded Intel Corporation. In December, at the legendary ‘mother of all demos’ in San Francisco, the Stanford Research Institute’s Douglas Engelbart showed off his original versions of a mouse, a word processor, e-mail, and hypertext. Of all the epochal changes in store over the next two decades, a remarkable number were seeded over those 10 months: cheap and reliable memory, a graphical user interface, a ‘killer’ application, and more.”

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Quarantine: The detention of a ship or crew supposed to be infected with pestilence until the peril is over. Before science had ascertained periods of incubation it was made 40 days, which was unreasonably long. The period now observed in the United States is 10 to 15 days for plague, with disinfection and fumigation of all suspected goods, as fleas introduce it; for yellow fever 5 to 7 days, for cholera 5. The great immigration from Europe renders precaution especially needful in New York. Every vessel must bring a clean or foul bill from the last port’s health authorities, and outbreaks in a foreign city are known at once by cable the world over. Russia, from its proximity to Asia and the unsanitary conditions of its own population, is rigidly guarded at the German and Austrian frontiers. Venice was the first to institute quarantine in 1403; Genoa followed in 1467. Austria tried to drive back Turkish pestilences with cordons of troops. In the United States the word quarantine is also applied to the isolating and placarding of a house in which contagious disease exists, until its final disinfection. Sanitation has nearly doubled the average of human life in a century, and we cannot imagine former conditions. Quarantine overrides ordinary rules of Law. No action can be brought for delay or destruction of goods against a sanitary agent who has acted in good faith, even if he be mistaken.

Quicksand: Sand with water-worn granules, which have no friction, do not pack, and when wet resemble a liquid. A locomotive which fell into such a sand was sounded for in vain to a depth of fifty feet.

•Taken from the 1912 Standard Illustrated Book of Facts.

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"He saw that his pants were torn and blood was running down his leg."

An excerpt from “The Million-Dollar Nose,” William Langewiesche’s 2000 Atlantic article about the sometimes-perilous life of oenophile Robert Parker, who holds great sway among the grape-squashing set:

“Parker was in his hotel room in Bordeaux one night, working on the day’s notes, when he got a phone call from Jacques Hébrard, the family manager of a famous chateau called Cheval Blanc,whose recent vintage Parker had described as a disappointment. Because Hébrard was very angry, Parker agreed to visit the chateau the following night, after his regular schedule of work, in order to retaste the wine. At the agreed-upon time he knocked on the chateau door. When it opened, a snarling schnauzer came out, leaped into the air, and clamped onto Parker’s leg. Hébrard stood in the doorway, staring into Parker’s face and making no attempt to intervene. After several attempts Parker managed to shake off the dog, which went tumbling into the night. Parker followed Hébrard into an office, where he saw that his pants were torn and blood was running down his leg. He asked Hébrard for a bandage. Hébrard came across the room and glanced disdainfully at the wound. Without saying a word, he went to the far side of a desk, pulled out a copy of The Wine Advocate, and slammed it down hard. He said, ‘This is what you wrote about my wine!’

In his simplified French, Parker said, ‘That’s why I’m here. To retaste it. Because you think I’m wrong.’

‘Well, I’m not going to let you retaste it.’

Parker got as belligerent as he gets. He said, ‘Look. I came here at the end of the day. You said I could taste your wine. I’ve been bitten by your dog. If I was wrong about this wine, I will be the first to say so.'”

•••••••••

Parker queried in 2003 by Charlie Rose, who seems fairly fermented himself.

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