Recently Posted On NYC’s Craigslist

September 2, 2010 in Misc., Urban Studies | Permalink

This wiseguy actually sounds very happy despite all his complaining.

Buy the Cool Stuff My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Keep

One of the most bittersweet moments of my life was when my girlfriend and I officially decided it was time to move in together. We tenderly embraced, and she looked at me with a delicate twinkle in her eye and said, “I am NOT living in a house with a Yankee chair.” The parking brake had been released, and my bachelorhood began rolling downhill toward a brick wall.

With more than 30 years of the afore-mentioned bachelorhood under my belt, I’m not ashamed to say that I have a lot of stuff. Guy stuff. As you can imagine, most self-respecting women are offended by the very thought of allowing these items to eye-rape their guests. My woman, alas, is no exception.

With just two bedrooms in our new place and no hope for a dedicated “man space” in my immediate future, it seems that my only option (short of returning to a sexless existence) is shedding some of this Bachelor Baggage. That’s where you come in. Some lucky guy with a van/pickup truck and a shred of free will is going to profit immensely from my misfortune.

(Please note that while picking up the merchandise, the lucky buyer will be forbidden to make eye contact with me as I sit slumped in the corner, sobbing gently. Thanks in advance.)

Here’s the rundown of the haul:

1. Yankee La-Z-Boy Chair: There is simply no better way to communicate to the world your love of heated buttock massages and America’s Pastime (in that order). This little beauty has all of the high-tech accoutrements that 1999 had to offer – heat/massage, a working speaker phone in the armrest and ample magazine/remote control storage space. This chair is pretty much the ultimate wingman for those “I’m not moving from this very spot for the next eight hours” football Sundays. I used to have those.

The chair’s in good shape and everything works, but its stellar condition left my lady completely unmoved. Do me a favor, give it a good home and think of me next time you’re sipping a beer and eating a bag of chips that you’ve got stored in the armrest. I’ll probably be whiling away my day at Target, or another similarly soul-deadening establishment.

Price: $275 (local pickup only – I’d offer to deliver but I drive a two-door sports car and I don’t feel like winding up on YouTube as I comically attempt to make the delivery. And yes, in case you were wondering the sports car’s days are numbered as well.)

2. NEW 40.5” x 25” Samuel Adams Mirror in Wooden Frame: I honestly thought I’d get away with this one, since my sweetie and I won it in a raffle together. Guess again. This thing is brand-new, has never been displayed, and it’s HUGE (it measures 40.5” x 25”). It’s the perfect finishing touch to any bar or man cave. I’ve seen these things on eBay for over $350. I’m parting with it for much less. Just give it a prominent spot on your wall for all to admire, raise a pint to a fallen comrade, and we’ll both feel like we came out ahead.

Price: $230

3. Video Game Chair: This one comes with an important caveat –near as I can tell, it’s only compatible with last-generation game systems like Playstation 2 and X-“don’t call me 360”-Box. That being said, what’s the only thing better than wreaking havoc in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? You guessed it, wreaking havoc in San Andreas while the screams of your innocent victims cascade upon you from built-in speakers located just behind your ears.

Someone with a bit of electronics knowledge may (note, I said MAY) be able to figure out how to hook this up with a current-gen system. Me, I’m still annoyed that they made the prongs in electrical outlets two different sizes.

Price: $75

BREAKING NEWS – Yet another awesome-but-unacceptable belonging has been sniffed out and put on the endangered list:

4. Margarita Lamp: Nothing says “party time” like this tasteful and understated lamp. From the lime slice to the giant straw to the artfully-rendered salt on the rim, the manufacturers spared no detail in their quest to re-create this beloved beverage in lamp form. If you have a basement bar and/or questionable taste, this is the item for you.

Price: $20

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