Decoder: The Recent Op-Ed Piece By Kentucky Senate Candidate Rand Paul

June 8, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Rand Paul: Receives radio transmissions via cavity fillings. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Rand Paul: In the end, all that remains of any of us is our reputation. Mine has been sullied over the past week by lies and innuendo.

Decoder: And by my very real belief that private business owners shouldn’t have to serve people of races or creeds they don’t like.

Rand Paul: Our body politic has enough pragmatists, we need a few idealists.

Decoder: It’s not that pragmatists don’t have ideals; they just consider whether the ideals they have in their heads will be good for people living in reality.

Rand Paul: Segregation ended only after a great and momentous uprising by idealists like Martin Luther King Jr., who provoked weak-kneed politicians to action.

Decoder: Like Martin Luther King, I too have a dream. But mine concerns a giant chicken throwing eggs at my head. I have to stop eating so close to bedtime.

Rand Paul: In 2010, there are battles that need to be fought, and they have nothing to do with race or discrimination, but rather the rights of people to be free from a nanny state.

Decoder: I stay up at night worrying about seat-belt laws like a crazy person.

I sacrifice my young to besmirch you, Rand Paul. (Image by Daniel Postellon.)

Rand Paul: Think about it–this overreach is now extending to mandates about fat and calorie counts in menus. Do we really need the government managing all of these decisions for us?

Decoder: Oh, yeah. We look like fucking pigs.

Rand Paul: Now the media is twisting my small government message, making me out to be a crusader for repeal of the Americans for Disabilities Act and The Fair Housing Act. Again, this is patently untrue. I have simply pointed out areas within these broad federal laws that have financially burdened many smaller businesses. Should a small business in a two-story building have to put in a costly elevator, even if it threatens their economic viability?

Decoder: I would be happy to name a single American small business in a two-story building that was forced to install an elevator and was driven to bankruptcy, but I’m too busy right now dodging eggs thrown by that giant chicken. You’d think he’d eventually run out of eggs, but there are always more eggs. That’s the strange part.

Rand Paul: When I read history I side with abolitionists such as William Lloyd Garrison and Frederick Douglas who fought for 30 years to end slavery and to integrate public transportation in the free North in the 1840s.

Decoder: Of course, if I had really spent time reading Frederick Douglass, I might have spelled his name correctly.

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