Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: A tsunami of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Decoder: Tsunamis are really destructive and kill people and destroy property. Why would anybody vote for conservatives if it would cause them to be dashed against rocks and have their garages knocked down? Next time I will compare conservatism to something pleasant, like Labradoodles or cupcakes.

Sharron Angle: The problems we’re seeing with our children and these shooting incidents–such as at Columbine–psychotropic drugs are linked to them.

Decoder: You know what else is linked to school shootings? Guns. But I can’t be honest about that fact since I’m in the Tea Party. Remember: Psychotropic drugs don’t kill people, people on psychotropic drugs with guns kill people.

Sharron Angle: [My father’s] small business was a motel. And so we did those things as a kid growing up that Americans don’t do. We cleaned bathrooms and made beds and swept floors, did laundry, those kinds of things.

Decoder: Americans are disgusting filthbags with dirty toilets. Hand them a mop and some Top Job.

A Labradoodle of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Sharron Angle: I am the Tea Party.

Decoder: Incoherent, judgemental, hypocritical, whiny and lacking in basic history and self-awareness.

Sharron Angle: My message is what the people want.

Decoder: Except maybe, for example, the part about abolishing Social Security. That might not be so popular with the people, especially in a state like Nevada with such a high percentage of senior citizens. And if any of these seniors have filthy toilets, I may have doubly offended them.

Sharron Angle: I really don’t trust big government. When big government gets in control, we know those great ideas turn out to be something that hits us right in the pocketbook.

Decoder: Like the lower taxes that working-class people have paid under President Obama.

Sharron Angle: These people in the government, at the United States level…should be the least powerful in the nation rather than the most powerful because of the way our founders set up our government.

Decoder: People have much more power with regard to voting rights and representation right now than they did at our nation’s birth. And what the fuck did I mean by “at the United States level” anyhow? Did somebody think I was discussing Iceland?

Sharron Angle: I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong. I don’t think you can get away from that: People make value judgments.

Decoder: Which is unfortunate because the people voting in Nevada might make a value judgement about me, and my values are complete bullshit.