Glenn Beck: Mayor of all the assclowns. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: Do you believe our Constitution was divinely inspired?

Decoder: Oh, you don’t believe that? You think it was written by brilliant but flawed men? That if it was divinely inspired it wouldn’t have allowed for slavery and it wouldn’t have reduced women to second-class citizens?

Glenn Beck: If God is with us, who can possibly stand against us? The answer is no one.

Decoder: But maybe God isn’t with me, in particular. Maybe God has reason to be mad at me. According to Salon, I’m the jackass who mocked a woman’s miscarriage on live radio. I like to blame my poor behavior on my former coke addiction, but maybe I’m just a cruel, cynical prick who wants to collect money and satisfy my massive ego.

Glenn Beck: We must remember who we are. We must remember what brought us here. We must remember what protected us. We must remember these rights do not belong to us–they come from God.

Decoder: I have trouble remembering things because I was a cokehead for many years and my brain is fried.

Glenn Beck: I have no thought of what God has in store for these people, our children, our grandchildren. He just questions you to stand in place and that is our job–to stand where he wants us to stand.

Decoder: But what if he wants us to stand in the river? You know, the one by the sewage plant. That would suck.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: Secessionist jackhole with excellent hair.

Texas Governor Rick Perry: If you care about America, if you care about taking this country back, you find you a Tea Party. Get involved. The Tea Party is an army I’m proud to be in.

Decoder: I really, really want to be President and I think that somehow pandering to the Tea Party will help. It’s another wrong bet in a long career of wrong bets.

Texas State Representative Leo Berman: I believe that Barack Obama is God’s punishment on us today.

Decoder: There is no bigger punishment from God for a racist like me than our country having a brilliant African-American guy as President. I liked the country a lot better before it was a meritocracy.

More Decoders:

• Michele Bachmann
• Sarah Palin
• Jon Voight
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Newt Gingrich
• Rudy Giuliani
• Michael Steele
• Dan Quayle
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Sarah Palin
• Mitt Romney
• Rep. John Boehner
• Rep. Michele Bachmann
• Rep. Steve King
• Rick Santorum
• Karl Rove
• Eric Massa
• Glenn Beck
• Jay Leno
• Tom DeLay
• Gov. David Paterson
• Tiger Woods
• Dick Cheney
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad