Governor Paterson: Bros before hos, allegedly.
Governor Paterson: For the past 25 years, it has been my highest privilege to serve the people of New York.
Decoder: Except for all the times I did blow. I felt even more privileged to be high those times.
Governor Paterson: All the while I have tried to improve the quality of lives of families and fought special interests.
Decoder: By “special interests,” I mean women who were allegedly trying to file complaints against my buddies for allegedly abusing them.
Governor Paterson: I have laid the foundation for our fiscal economic rescue.
Decoder: And many women who are not my wife. That’s how D-Patz swings, baby.
Governor Paterson: We have eradicated the Rockefeller Drug Laws.
Decoder: I’m like a one man Cheech & Chong. What did you expect?
Governor Paterson: I am ending my campaign for governor of the state of New York.
Decoder: My unwinnable, unwanted, vomit-inducing campaign.
Governor Paterson: It has become clear that I cannot run for office and manage the state’s business at the same time.
Decoder: Actually, I can’t do either one separately. Not competently.
Governor Paterson: I am looking forward to a full investigation into actions taken by myself and my administration.
Decoder: I am likewise looking forward to someone performing exploratory surgery on my groin with a pickaxe.
Governor Paterson: I believe when the facts are reviewed, the truth will prevail.
Decoder: But, oh god, I hope not.
Governor Paterson: There are 308 days left in my term. I will serve every one of them fighting for the people of the state of New York.
Decoder: Until I step down in the next couple of weeks. Get ready, Dick Ravitch. Tag, you’re it, bitch.
Governor Paterson: I would like to thank New Yorkers for the wonderful opportunity to serve them.
Decoder: Though no one actually voted for me to be in this office. I walked into it ass backwards when Governor Sexy Socks got tossed out on his jockstrap.
Governor Paterson: I hope that history will remember that I fought the good fight and did what was hard.
Decoder: Especially hard drugs and hard alcohol.
Read other Decoders.