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Cartoon rat in polo shirt. (Image by JSharp.)

CRAFTY FOLK: HAVE A RAT INFESTATION?? TV SHOW WILL HELP FOR FREE! (BK NYC BX QUEENS SI)

A new documentary science show is being created on rats in the 5 boroughs. Our accredited local pest control company 1st assesses your problem so that they can then get rid of your rats, and we follow this process of making your home or business rat-free.

Correspondence will be kept strictly confidential AND we won’t even need to mention or show the name or location of your place.

Milla Jovovich: "I love sabermetrics!" (Photo by Georges Biard.)

Astute ESPN baseball writer and all-around smartass Keith Law has published an impressive list of his Top 200 Rock Songs of the 1990s. Of course you’ll disagree with some of the choices since you didn’t compile it yourself, but it will likely bring back some good memories. It convinced me that rock in that decade was better than I thought. An excerpt of a few of his rock selections:

139. Milla – “Gentlemen Who Fell”
That’s Milla Jovovich, who has had a hell of a career jumping from modeling to music to acting to fashion. This has to be one of the five weirdest songs on the list from her on-and-off falsetto to the hints of European folk music interspersed with riffs from an electric guitar.

54. Smashing Pumpkins – “Cherub Rock”
They had a great run for four albums, but nothing quite matched this song’s combination of intensity and sludge for me, like grunge but distinct enough that they couldn’t be lumped into the Seattle scene. The words never made a lick of sense to me, though.

11. Butthole Surfers – “Who Was In My Room Last Night?”
If you know the Surfers at all, it’s probably because of alternative-radio hit “Pepper,” or perhaps from Gibby Haynes’ guest spot on Ministry’s “Jesus Built My Hotrod,” but this is by far their best track, the best song ever written about a bad dream, with a guitar riff that could have come from Tony Iommi’s best work with Black Sabbath.

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Just the name "Ru-Ter-Ba" is enough to loosen bowels.

Long before Jamie Lee Curtis was overly concerned with the regularity of your bowel movements, the chorus girls of the wildly popular 1901 Florodora Broadway stage musical were lending their good names to Ru-Ter-Ba, some sort of herbal laxative.

The Edwardian musical comedy, which had previously played in London, began its New York stint in 1900. The comedy and its sextet of show girls became a huge hit and opened avenues for product endorsements.

Although the ad claims the medicine is good for “calming nervousness” and creating “vim, vigor and vitality,” the final line acknowledges that they are “pellets for constipation.” An Albany outfit called Dr. J. C. Brown Medical Company sold Ru-Ter-Ba for 25 cents a pop. An excerpt from he ad:

“The necessary daily routine in the lives of all theatrical people is of the most exacting nature. Long weeks of study, rehearsals at inconvenient hours, the arbitrary, and oftentimes exasperating discipline of the manager, must all be endured before the artists can appear at a public performance and receive the encouragement from the plaudits of the audience.

Then comes the wearing hours of work on the stage. Anxiety to win success, the heartache that follows even the slightest failure to win the good will of the audience, unavoidable exposure to draughts of air; all these contribute to a constant depletion of physical and nerve force.

The necessity for sustaining and nourishing food at late hours, after the close of the performance, and the constant interruption to the normal hours for sleep, lay the foundation for Insomnia, Dyspepsia and Nervous Prostration…the hearty endorsement of ‘Ru-Ter-Ba’ as Nature’s Tonic, by the members of the Florodora Sextet, is the strongest possible proof of its merit.”

See other Old Print Ads.

Craig Newmark: Honesty is the best policy. (Photo by Dave Sifry.)

Contents of house/ “estate” (east islip)

Not a huge or fancy house.

BIG freezer, if you can move it you can buy it, locker type, 2.5’x4′

living room set and end tables

crappy kitchen table and 4 chairs

nicer dining room table and chairs

dumpy computer desk

ok computer chair

weed eater, electric

gas barbque

trundle bed

lousy dressers

Take a walk though, low ball us, leave happy.

Thanks for all the beer and fries and chocolate, Belgium.

While the visits from the good people of Russia continue to accumulate (please explain this to me!), we had a visit yesterday from a country that had never before graced us with its presence: Belgium. I can’t say for sure which of your estimated 10,827,519 citizens visited our idiot site, Belgium, but I’m surprised that any of your people had a free second when you have so much great local culture. After all, Belgium is renowned for its distinguished politicianswonderful museums, scenic towns, brilliant comedy and attractive locals. Well, now that you’ve been properly hazed, I can only say one thing: Welcome to Afflictor Nation, Belgium!

Meet other Afflictor Nations.

Women are present in this 1863 depiction of a New York City draft riot.

This old print article from the July 19, 1899 issue of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle is a special kind of chauvinistic crazy. New York in the 19th century was prone to riots of all kind (gang, labor, race, draft, drunken, etc.), and I guess this was some sort of op-ed warning to the fairer sex: Do not get involved or else! I would further have to assume one of the editors had an argument with his wife that morning. The piece in full:

“No man wishes to hurt a woman. No man will intentionally hurt one. But the kind of women who unsex themselves to mix with rioters and who throw stones and bottles at our motormen and passengers on our street cars incur danger to their lives. People who are assailed by overwhelming numbers do not and can not cooly select the enemies whom they will shoot or club, and if, in striking at random here and there, a policeman hits a woman’s head, the blame attaches to the woman, not the policeman.

During this strike in Brooklyn several harridans from the tenements have mixed with the loafers and the rowdies who have blocked the cars and attacked the passengers. They believe their skirts defend them. They have yelled profane and obscene epithets at the men who were trying to earn an honest living and have encouraged the disorderly element with voice and example.

When a woman debases herself to companion with drunkards, ruffians and dynamite sneaks, when she teaches her children to defy our ordinances and sets examples to them of disorder and brutality, the outraged law can hardly regard her as a woman at all. The same law sent one woman to the electric chair awhile ago for murder. Her case created a great deal of maudlinism though it deserved not a jot of it, for her crime was premeditated, cold-blooded and devilish. The same law may require harshness in its dealings with all rioters and would-be slayers of fellow creatures, whether they wear beards or not. The place for women in a time like this is at home.”

Look at how unobjectionable I am.

Do you want objectionable hair, women? Of course not! Everyone would object. That was the message sent in this 1915 print ad that appeared in women’s magazines. The depilatory powder, X Bazin, was made by a New York outfit called Hall & Ruckel. William Henry Hall and John H. Ruckel were a couple of chemists best known for Sozodont dentifrice and Walnut Leaf Hair Restorer, the latter of which I’m assuming didn’t work very well.

Two Hall & Ruckel revenue stamps were issued, one in 1865 and one in 1883. I hope no hairy women or bald men licked them. Think of the dishonor. The full ad copy:

“Summer Dress and Modern Dancing combine to make necessary the removal of objectionable hair.

X BAZIN depilatory powder has been used by women of refinement for generations for the removal of objectionable hair. It acts gently and effectively. It is harmless to the most delicate skin. It is easily applied.

Send us 10 cents for generous sample and our special offer. Sold by Druggists and Department Stores everywhere for 50 cents.”

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Craig Newmark: I’ve always wanted a free couch from a smart aleck. (Photo by Dave Sifry.)

I’LL PAY YOU TO TAKE MY HEAVY PULL-OUT COUCH – $5 (pleasantville)

I have a standard-ish, grey-ish pull-out couch. I think it’s about 80″ long or so–I’m about 6’1″ and can comfortably stretch out when it’s folded up. it’s very plain/neutral looking w/no horrid floral patterns or stains–but the fabric on a few cushions is torn, and should be patched or re-upholstered, depending on how much you care/how you like to spend your money. It doesn’t smell like ferrets or nag champa, it wasn’t cursed by a witch doctor, and it won’t spontaneously accelerate out of control on the highway. We’ve been holding onto it as our only option for guest sleeping, but after a holiday season of guests, I don’t want any more (guests or sleeper-sofas)–and if someone really needs to stay over, they can deal with our regular-ish crappy leather couch.

Here’s the thing–we got the couch from someone second-hand for free, and the cushions are torn (but very cushion-y), as I already said, so I don’t feel quite right asking for any significant amount of money for it in the first place. Also, I want NOTHING TO DO WITH LIFTING IT. At all. I have moved 7 times in 6 years, my wife has a bad back, and mine is on the way, and this thing is not worth a lifetime of pain to me. Don’t get me wrong–it’s not framed around lead, but it’s a pull-out couch–it’s heavy. Two reasonably healthy people should be able to carry it just fine, but I will NOT be one of those people. You also need to be able to get it out the door without taking a square foot of the doorframe off in the process. I will stand around with a beer in my hand and point and say mildly encouraging things to ensure this.

And then, once it’s safely in your truck, or strapped to the top of your geo metro, or whatever, I’ll give you five bucks. You can swing by the gas station on the way home and get yourself a small bottle of ibuprofen and a red-bull–for the pain relief and energy necessary to get it into wherever you live.

Perhaps it could bulge more, but it's completely functional as is, ladies.

Dear Mr. Keith Dykhoff,

Thank you for your recent spam email with the subject line: “Make knob bulging!” We at the Afflictor offices are a little embarrassed to ask, but you’re talking about the penis, right? If you’re talking about actual doorknobs, we’d like to apologize for being presumptuous. While the products your company offers are no doubt effectively bulge-inducing, Mr. Dykhoff, we have to pass on making an order at the present time. We just purchased some new jeans, and if we use your products, we’d have to go out and buy some bulging-knob jeans. In this tough economy, that wouldn’t be feasible. If America’s financial outlook should improve, we’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

Afflictor

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"The Turkish Giant Robbed of his Wife, his Educated Goat, his Money and his Horse and Carriage."

Arthur Caley, better known as P.T. Barnum’s “Arabian Giant,” was born in the 1820s or 1830s, though nobody knows for sure just when. His main stage name was “Colonel Ruth Goshen,” and he was billed as being near eight feel tall and weighing 600 pounds, but that was likely an exaggeration of some inches and pounds.

He traveled the world, adopted a daughter and was married several times (though one of his wives ran off with another man and stole his horse and goat). It was rumored that he was from Jerusalem or the Isle of Wight or several other places.

The Giant and Barnum had a parting of the ways at some point, and the massive man passed away in 1889 in Middlebush, New Jersey. This piece from the Brooklyn Daily Eagle concerns his ill-fated marriage which fell apart a decade before his death. An excerpt from the article, which is subtitled, “The Turkish Giant Robbed of his Wife, his Educated Goat, his Money and his Horse and Carriage”:

“That matrimonial misery may afflict the highest as well as the lowest was never better illustrated than in the affliction which has overtaken Colonel Ruth Goshen, the giant whose enormous figure has towered in Brooklyn for the past two weeks.

The Colonel is one of the most widely known celebrities of his class in the United States. His acquaintances agree that he has agreeable manners and a confiding disposition; and although his stature might easily vie with the inhabitants of Brobdignag, he is but a child in the dark and crooked ways of the wicked world.

Like the Thane of Fife, the Colonel had a wife, and well may he ask in tremulous tones, as he did this morning, ‘Where is she now?’ In fact, Mrs. Colonel Ruth Goshen has eloped with a showman and the gigantic hero of many gory fields has been compelled by perfidy of his spouse to assume the role of the injured husband and is taking steps toward the procurement of the divorce.”

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Craig Newmark: But I came prepared to play Donkey Kong. (Photo by David Sifry.)

VINTAGE PINBALL MACHINE – $895 (Fairfield, County)

Did you get your tax refund yet?

1969: Nixon was President, The Stonewall Riots happened in Greenwich Village, NYC, launching the beginning of the Gay Rights Movement, the Beatles had their last performance on the roof top of Apple Records, men walked on the moon, it was the summer of Woodstock and the manufacture of our Pinball Machine!

This “Pirate Gold” vintage pinball machine was manufactured in 1969 by Chicago Coins/Chicago Dynamic Industries.

We have had it since June of 2001 (an anniversary present, don’t ask what was my husband thinking! Perhaps we should have started therapy then).

It was purchased from a wonderful dealer in Hamden, CT, who told us the value this many years later. Without the crash of 9/2008 it would have increased in value by 15% but this model in this condition is selling for what we paid 8 1/2 years ago.

It is in perfect working condition and looks as good as the day it was delivered. It is one of those oldie and goodies in the pinball world in which it is very easy to get extra balls during your game.

If you are not a collector, I have found out what you need to know to separate the top from the bottom for transport.

Serious inquiries only please.

You’ll get our family score sheet with it but watch out because Grandma Joan really kicked ass: gin & tonic in one hand and the highest score and quite competitive about it all too!

We’ll play Pinball Wizard for you by The Who when you come to check it out.

Walt Disney contracted and survived the illness.

The Spanish flu outbreak, which lasted from 1918-1920, was the greatest natural disaster in humankind, infecting a third of the world population and claiming the lives of at least 50 million people. It was likely a strain of the virus similar to H1N1.

The flu was a further burden on a world in the throes of WW1. Notable people who died from the illness were French poet Apollinaire, Detroit Tigers owner Bill Yawkey and German political economist Max Weber.

This 1918 public-health awareness advertisement was the beginning of a consciousness-raising effort to warn Americans about the illness. It features the image of a sickly looking man being given a lot of space by his fellow citizens. The copy in full:

“Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. As dangerous as poison gas shells. Spread of Spanish Influenza menaces our war production. U.S. Public Service begins nationwide health campaign.”

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Jennifer Garner was born in Texas in 1972. (Photo by Karen Liu.)

  • 1970: #1 (most popular girl’s name in America.)
  • 1971: #1
  • 1972: #1
  • 1973: #1
  • 1974: #1
  • 1975: #1
  • 1976: #1
  • 1977: #1
  • 1978: #1
  • 1979: #1
  • 1980: #1
  • 1981: #1
  • 1982: #1
  • 1983: #1
  • 1984: #1

See other Listeria lists.

I once recorded a radio segment that ended up in the garbage. How it got in the garbage, I don't know. (Image by Ralph F. Stitt.)

Rare Early Radio Comedy Discs Uncovered (Upper West Side)

A rare find of radio show segments featuring many of the great comedians of the 20th century has been uncovered. Dozens of legendary comedians and lesser-known comedians are represented on these plastic, homemade discs with handwritten labels. There is Milton Berle, Bob Hope, Martin-Lewis, Arthur Godfrey, Groucho Marx, Fred Allen, Jimmy Durante, Jack Paar, Eddie Cantor, Danny Thomas, Danny Kaye, Edgar Bergen, Myron Cohen, 3 Stooges, Victor Borge, Morey Amsterdam, Henry Morgan, Mel Blanc and so many more. Also on disc–Sinatra, Al Jolson, Bing Crosby, Bea Lillie, Sophie Tucker, Bette Davis, Gus Van, Hildegarde, Ethel Merman et al. There is even a speech given by Winston Churchill (not in good condition).

Bing Crosby and Al Jolson do a Rip Van Winkle skit; Danny Kaye performs Begin the Beguine (label notes “off-key”); Morey Amsterdam performs a Monkey Poem; one of Milton Berle’s contributions is “Gas Station”; Jack Carter does his Piccadilly Song.

Other comedians include Phil Foster, Henny Youngman, Al Bernie, Lenny Kent, Peter Donald, Irwin Corey, Myron Cohen, Peter Lind Hayes and Mary Healey, Garry Moore, Billy DeWolfe, Joe Besser, Abe Burrows and Doodles Weaver. Some discs contain a few women comedians or comedy actresses. There is much more.
These recordings probably have never been issued commercially.

There are more than 230 of these rarities. Some are on 7″ discs and most on 10″ discs that play at 33 1/3 rpm. They are all in sleeves and look good and the ones that I have played seem to play well. Many of them look like they have never been played.

They are being offered for sale as a collection.

If interested please call me. If you know of anyone else that might be interested kindly advise.

New York Post–Sunday May 31, 2009 P.6

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Despite being "blind," Josh Groban is a great singer and fine hockey player. He's also of part-Russian descent. (Image by Captain-tucker.)

Some things are tough to explain. Like that three-year period where I thought Josh Groban was blind. It turns out that he just squints a lot when he sings, but I somehow didn’t realize that.

Another thing I can’t explain is why our site is so popular in the Russian Federation. In the nearly four months of Afflictor’s existence, Russia is surprisingly the foreign country that has visited us most often.

I know there currently isn’t a lot to read in Russia because many journalists have been poisoned during the Putin years, but there’s still no excuse for Russians to be paying our site so much attention. You comrades should use your free time to meet some new friends.

But if you insist on coming back and reading more of our crap, Afflictor Nation will be here for you, Mother Russia!

Meet other Afflictor Nations.

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An illustration from the 1840s that show the effects of chloroform. Kids, don't try this at home.

Love, lust, adultery, chloroform, gunplay, a hatchet and insurance money were a lethal combination (of course!) for a dentist in Detroit, Michigan, in 1895. An excerpt from a story in that year’s February 3 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle:

“Dr. Horace E. Pope, a dentist, with an office on Michigan avenue, where he resided, was killed this morning by William Brusseau, Mrs. Pope’s nurse. Brusseau says he found the dentist sitting on the side of his wife’s bed, holding a cloth saturated with chloroform over her mouth. The nurse says that when he entered the room Dr. Pope fired at him. Brusseau says he seized a hatchet and struck the dentist in the head. It is said that the deceased and his wife frequently quarreled over the attention paid the latter by the nurse.

In unearthing the circumstances surrounding the murder, it is learned that Mrs. Pope had urged her husband to place heavier insurance on his life. He had accordingly been insured for $9,000 and but a few days ago transferred the payment of his policies from his estate to his wife.”

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You obviously have two good hands. What do you need us for?

Dear Ms. Meridith Mendia,

Thank you for your recent spam email. You know, the one informing us that “the ancient secret of pleasing a woman 10 times a day has been discovered.” We were wondering if you also discovered the ancient secret of making a day last 13 months. That would be helpful because today we have to do some work and go to the Key Food and mail some bills. So there might not be enough hours in the day to please her 10 times. But if we should ever move to a city constructed entirely of water beds where women crave manual and oral stimulation around the clock, we will certainly be in touch.

Sincerely,

Afflictor

Should not be worn by pregnant men.

I don’t have a protruding belly or I’d waddle into my time machine and head back to 1952 to purchase one of these guy girdles known as the Chevalier Health Supporter Belt. Aimed at “men in their 30s, 40s, 50s who want to look slimmer and feel younger,” this belt helped dudes suck in their guts so they wouldn’t have to eat right or exercise.

For just $3.98 plus postage and handling, you could try this truly embarrassing undergarment for 10 days. If you weren’t completely satisfied with your boy bodice at that point–or you developed some dignity–then your money would be returned in full. An excerpt from the captivating copy:

“Does a bulging ‘bay window’ make you look and feel years older than you really are? Then here, at last, is the answer to your problem! “Chevalier,” the wonderful new health supporter belt is scientifically constructed to help you look and feel years younger.

Why go on day after day with an old man’s mid-section bulge…or with a tired back that needs posture support? Just see how ‘Chevalier’ brings you vital control where you need it most! ‘Chevalier’ has a built-in strap. You adjust the belt the way you want. Presto! Your ‘bay window’ bulge is lifted in…flattened out–yet you feel wonderfully comfortable!”

See other Old Print Ads.

Put that hammer down this instant, Craig Newmark, you squirrelly genius. (Photo by Dave Sifry.)

MOLLY EPSTEIN–ENGLISH TEACHER AT BRONX HIGH SCHOOL OF SCIENCE (Chelsea)

Does anyone know what happened to her? Did she die? If so–how? I used to substitute teach there and we passed many interesting afternoons chatting in the teacher’s cafeteria. Time frame is in the 1960’s. Thanking you in advance.

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"Phebe's culinary knowledge did not extend beyond the cooking of that particular kind of sausage known as Frankfurter."

This bizarre article in the March 15, 1890 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle tells the story of newlyweds Henry Niedhammer and Phebe Ruff, who broke up because she only knew how to cook one meal–a particular type of sausage dish known as “Frankfurter.” An excerpt:

“No sooner, however, had the young couple commenced to live together than Henry was annoyed to find that his wife was oftener in her mother’s home than her own and that Phebe’s culinary knowledge did not extend beyond the cooking of that particular kind of sausage known as Frankfurter. It was Frankfurter for breakfast, Frankfurter for dinner, and Frankfurter for supper, and all his remonstrances he said, were unavailing.

About a week ago he succeeded in having a change in the daily menu, but when, on Friday last, having had Frankfurter for breakfast, more Frankfurters were produced for dinner, Henry’s patience gave way, and, having hurled the dish of sausages at his wife, he, she alleges, caught up the carving knife and chased her out of the house.

The furniture was thereupon taken back and Henry having bade his father and the rest of his family farewell, made a beeline for the Navy Yard, and there, having enlisted as a marine, is supposed just now to be frisking in a capful of wind outside of Sandy Hook on his way to the Azores.”

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Reasonably priced and poison-free!

There’s no specific date attached to the advertisement for this so-called temperance aid, but it seems likely that it was from the Prohibition era in the 1920s or during the run-up to that “noble experiment.” The ad suggests that news of Boston Drug’s wonders “should be scattered broadcast through the land and everywhere the curse of strong drink prevails.” The cost was $1 per box. An excerpt from the creepy copy:

“Free from the desire to drink of alcoholic liquors are the many who have used Boston Drug. This is the positive remedy for the evils of intemperance. It cures the liquor habit! Thousands have used it and been cured. Physicians, minsters, temperance advocates endorse it. Used in public and private hospitals and state institutions. Everywhere with success. May be administered secretly in any food or drink. Patients treated without their knowledge when desired. A tasteless powder, colorless and pure. Contains no poison.”

Either I start getting more oral sex or they'll be more wars. (Photo by Charles Haynes.)

There are those moments when you hear a talking head on TV say something so stupendously wrong-minded that it’s stunning. Since most of cable news is aimed at attention-grabbing shock, it’s not easy to stand out as colossal bonehead, but it happens occasionally.

I thought of one such occasion today when I read Thomas Friedman’s op-ed piece in the New York Times. He uses the column to try to convince readers that he was in favor of the Iraq War because he hoped it would bring about democracy in that nation, one that would be supported and sustained by Iraqis themselves.

But Friedman had a very different rationale in 2003 for his loud urging of an American invasion. That was when the columnist and best-selling author guested on the Charlie Rose Show to explain why the U.S. needed to go to war. The comments still stand out to me for their irrationality, immaturity and immorality. Every time Friedman tries to revise his reasons for being an Iraq War cheerleader, these statements should be brought up. An excerpt:

“We needed to go over there, basically take out a very big stick right in the heart of that world and burst that bubble, and there was only one way to do it.

What they needed to see was American boys and girls going house to house, from Basra to Baghdad and basically saying, ‘Which part of this sentence don’t you understand?’ You don’t think, you know, we care about our open society, you think this bubble fantasy, we’re just gonna to let it grow? Well, Suck. On. This.

We could have hit Saudi Arabia. It was part of that bubble. Could have hit Pakistan. We hit Iraq because we could. That’s the real truth.”

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We're sweet-looking young men who enjoy pugilistic displays.

Why would I even comment on this insane article from the June 4, 1873 issue of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle when I could never, ever do it justice? Unfortunately, it’s not bylined, but here’s an excerpt from “Pugs at Gothic Hall”:

“The sporting fraternity, at least that portion given to pugilistic displays and wrestling encounters, was out in all its glory at Gothic Hall last night. The entertainment, which called together this distinguished crowd of first citizens, was somewhat facetiously termed by its originators a ‘grand international boxing and wrestling festival.’

The assemblage was more respectable in its general character than are usually met on such occasions. Among the audience were numerous young men dressed in the height of fashion, and looking quite decent in their new clothes. The Fulton street dry goods clerks were represented by a large delegation of real sweet looking young men, made particularly prominent by their loud red neckties and low necked shirts. It was noticeable that the majority of these promising youths wore their hats on the right sides of their respective heads at an angle of about forty degrees.

And then they talked in a free and easy sort of way about ‘good’uns’ and  ‘bad’uns,’ of ‘duffers’ and ‘snoozes,’ calculated to convey the impression that they were very reckless and altogether dangerous young men to meddle with.

Those who chewed tobacco chewed heavy cuds, and when they walked around the room they walked like men determined to push a house over, or bite someone’s ear off, or something equally horrifying and dreadful.”

The gun's not real, but my gout is.

This 1926 print advertisement touted a fake-but-realistic-looking gun that had a compartment for cigarettes and “liquid refreshment.”

It was essentially an elaborate, winking way to sell an undetectable flask during Prohibition. The copy suggested that you fill the handle with buttermilk or cider, but the implication was clear. Because the coppers would never suspect that you had booze in your gun.

The firearm sold for $1.79 and came with a full guarantee, but who would willingly return an alcohol/gun combo? An excerpt from the insane ad copy:

“You can have lots of fun sticking up your friends with this ugly ‘Gat’ and then soothing their startled nerves with a nice cool smoke or liquid refreshment. You’ll be the life of the party even if you scare a few to death.”

You better keep me away from the time machine. (Image by Brett Weinstein.)

“Magistrate’s Ire Aroused,” declares the sub-heading of this article from the December 1, 1902 issue of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. It seems that several days before he turned 16, a boy married a bride several years his senior and then saw fit to abandon her. The judge wasn’t a fan of these May-December relationships, especially when the groom was a minor. There may have been steam shooting out of his ears during the hearing. An excerpt:

“‘There should be some way of punishing ministers who marry children,’ said Magistrate Furlong, in the Myrtle avenue court yesterday, when Mrs. Tessie Mich Gordon, who says she is 18 years old, caused her 16 year old boy husband, James C. Gordon of 262 Fifteenth street, to be arraigned on a charge of abandonment.

The Magistarte’s face was flushed, and it was obvious he was not in favor of early marriages–at least, early marriages, of that kind. Young Gordon, the groom, who is a mere stripling, both in years and in size, and who has not even the suspicion of a mustache, stood in front of the judge in a semi-dazed way, as if he were not thoroughly conscious of the important step which he had taken in life. His bride, whom he married less than three months ago, was a Miss Tessie Mich, who gives her age at 18, but is thought to be two years older, is a pretty blond, with bright expressive eyes and a rich head of hair falling in innumerable ringlets. She is petite in figure.

When Court Officer William J. Wyse arrested young Gordon at his father’s house, 262 Fifteenth street, on Saturday night, the boy was at supper, with other members of his family.

‘I have seen a great many strange things over the course of my career on the police force,’ said Oficer Wyse, ‘but I can tell you I was surprised on finding out that the man I was in search of on a charge of abandonment was only a boy.'”

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