"We will come and pick up."

Pumpkins needed (Greenwich Village)

We need your pumpkins! We are doing a production at NYU that requires carving pumpkins and now that they’re out of season they are impossible to find.

Please help us. We will come and pick up. Thank you! 

"Head for the hills." (Image by Andrew Butko.)

The Robots are Coming!! (Your Mind)

The robots are coming to mindf*ck you. You cant tell them apart from humans and they are smarter than you.

Head for the hills while you still can.

"I will be at your door tomorrow with various carpet samples."

I hate my noisy neighbor (Inwood / Wash Hts)

You! Upstairs neighbor- I will be speaking with you tomorrow- but why are you walking around upstairs like you are 500 pounds! you drag your feet and walk around constantly and then every it sounds like you are dropping a small child on the floor- It is 1 in the morning!!!! And who is this kid who keeps coming around 11 at night- he keeps ringing the buzzer so what’s his deal

In my mind you are all engaged in some illeagal operation up there, but some days I have a heart and i think- the boy is taking care of an old uncle- what ever it is I am done guessing! Co-op says 80 percent of the floor should be covered in carpeting- I will be at your door tomorrow with various carpet samples.

I hate you people so much- SO MUCH 

And is it just me or does everyone have this experience 

"It is in a big jar."

MUMMIFIED MONKEY – $8000 (hardyston)

I have an authentic mummified money that is 75 years old available for sale. It looks just as it did when it passed. It is in a big jar but the glass is a bit cloudy. Rare piece.

Were you hypnotized in school?

Do you remember the hypnotist show coming in to the school auditorium? Did you volunteer?

"Some 420 wouldn't hurt either." (Image by T-bone.)

I need BOOZE pls help (Brooklyn)

Hey as the title says I need some booze I’m really stressed and broke I havnt drank in about a year not that I’m recovering alcoholic I just havnt had the need but now I’m stressed and broke and before I do something stupid thought I would get drunk and jus take a break from all the craziness in my life so if you have any booze you don’t want hit me up if your not to far I’ll come by and pick it up.

Some 420 wouldn’t hurt either.

Thanks for reading and thanks on advance.

"I have been turned down by a prostitute."

Why does the world hate fat men? (New York)

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my last date. I have answered hundreds of ads and have not even had one woman on the face of this earth that has wanted to even have a first date. I am fat. I am 450 pounds. I have an emotional problem obviously. I have been turned down by a prostitute. I was told by a dating service that I should save my money because they didn’t think they could do anything for me. Loneliness and depression are all I have day in and day out. My friends tell me that I am a nice guy. They tell me that there is someone out there for everyone. It seems that fat people are the last universally acceptable group to tease or ignore. Every other group has at least themselves that they can fall back on, to socialize within and find someone. Unfortunately, it seems even fat women want nothing to do with fat men. 

"I feel like something is crawling all over me even as I send this to you." (Image by ThisParticularGreg.)

Larvae Found In Imported African Bras (showing up in NY)

It is horrible. Guys tell your wife, sisters, girlfriends, and girl cousins to wash bra before wearing.

All please wash all bras, underwear when you buy before wearing them. We do not know what parasite is in our clothes when we buy them. Forward to everybody you know. Let me fore warn you. Thiis is so  squimish. I feel like something is crawling all over me even as I send this to you. Be aware. It is so grotesque. Please wash your underwear before wearing. Preferably in boiling hot water. 

I bought peanuts for the squirrels but ate them myself, is that wrong?

They were delicious. 

"I told her to go away. She threatened me."

woman who threatened me and wouldnt go away- (Upper West Side)

This woman sits around in the park all day, as though she has nothing else to do.

Her and I had an issue and I walked away. She kept comeing over to me and getting in front of my face. I told her to go away. She threatened me. What should I do?

She is always gossiping and telling people what to do who come into the park! It is unpleasant for me to come back and I enjoy the park so much!
Help! 

"I will not do black magic."

Wicca? Who beleives? Is there a spell on me? (Chelsea)

Someone told me a spell is on me.
What do you think!?
What the hell is going on here?!!!!!!!!
What are some ways to remove a love spell?
I will not do black magic. 

"Creepy." (Image by bretthpatrick.)

Guys With Guitars (Greenwich Village)

The next dude who pulls out a guitar and starts serenading me gets the Belushi Treatment! Creepy.

"Some people are afraid of chronic wasting disease."

eat deer

its a shame we dont eat deer. some people hate the idea because deer are so cute and some people are afraid of chronic wasting disease even tho there hasnt been a single case of deer to human transference that I heard of. still the deer populations can get large and eating deer would be the logical answer. 

"This way we can all die like Jim Henson."

Time For Humanity To Fold

We’re the worst thing to happen to this planet. Our raw naked greed is the problem. We want things and we want them enough to kill for them, to put lethal toxins in the environment for them, to allow others to starve for them. We suck. Nothing intelligent designed us, we are the product of a few billion years of random chance that almost worked. Almost.

Eventually the bacteria will kill most of us off, quicker because advertising has convinced us that bacteria is scary and we need to wash ourselves, do dishes and do laundry with anti-bacterial soaps, which of course, just makes the bacteria stronger in the long run. This way we can all die like Jim Henson. Or maybe a Captain Trips scenario ala’ Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’. However it happens, the sooner, the better. My sincere good wishes and good will to the next species that moves up the evolutionary ladder, I hope you do better than we did.

"No roadkill." (Image by FotoosVanRobin.)

Venison Wanted! (eastern LI)

Hi!
I’m looking for some venison for my family. Must be fresh…no roadkill.
Maybe you have more than you need?
Maybe you like to hunt but not eat the meat?
I’ll pay a fair price.

Thanks! 

Finger nails? (My loss is your gain!)

I have 10 freshly clipped finger nails. Any one want them for artwork, collections, to make jewelry, to make soup, to use as weapons, as holiday gifts, to decorate your tree this season, etc etc? If so contact me, they are free! I am trying to pay it forward and help my fellow man.