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Once retired from show business, John Hodgman, meals will be provided for you, although you will be required to take nourishment in solitude. You will have ready access to shampoo, rope and matches. Almanacs and other encouragements of excruciating minutiae will be verboten. You will die alone, in conversation with a sled.
John Hodgman: Ben Stein, with better politics.
Tags: John Hodgman
I had a dream that I was taking a shit on the floor of my apartment and a snake or something like it was in the feces. I am a male in my mid-30s and I think my girlfriend was there. I can’t entirely remember if it was her, but definitely a woman. Any ideas as to what this dream might mean? I’ve looked on some dream websites but they say different things.
It will be called: John Hodgman: I Have Agreed to Stop. Then you will be allowed to peacefully exit show business, like Idi Amin being exiled from Uganda on a full stomach. Your safe passage is ensured.
John Hodgman: Clearly there’s no point.
Tags: John Hodgman
That corn does not belong to you.
The gentleman makes a persuasive case.
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Hearing that Jean Stapleton passed away….
…soon after learning that the Bea Arthur tits painter had also profiled…
…Norman Fell’s nutsac.
John Hodgman seems like a very nice man. I just wish that he would stop.
Tags: John Hodgman
I’m looking for fighters who want to train and beat the shit out of each other…period. Controlled sparring. Must be at least 18.
“But other than that…”
Used 12 inch vibrator for sale. Used with a condom since I have herpes but other than that it’s in great condition. PRICE IS FINAL. Serious inquiries only.
“NYU graduate.”
NYU GRADUATE BARTERING /TRADE KNOWLEDGE ON ETFS TO BUY NOW!
AS A BONUS ILL ALSO INCLUDE:
TRADE FOR ANYTHING I CAN USE, JUST MAKE OFFERS!
ALSO LOOKING FOR A MENTOR!
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Thinking American tabloid culture finally came to a fitting conclusion in Manhattan this week when Amanda Bynes’ flying bong…
… coldcocked a campaigning Anthony Weiner.
Heh heh. He said “cocked.”
“Would sell them for much less.”
I am a IVF patient in PA who bought six frozen donor eggs from a reputable agency. I no longer need them as I became pregnant on my own. I invested over $15,000 in them and would sell them for much less. They are safely stored at my doctor’s clinic in Newark, DE but I can ship them to your clinic at any time. I have all of the donor information (Caucasian, blue eyes, brown hair, health info etc.) and will provide copies of the signed contract for their purchase. I hope someone can use them for an IVF cycle. If you are interested, please feel free to contact me. Thank you and good luck with your IVF journey.
“Caucasian, blue eyes, brown hair.”
Was working off a connection that was dead or dying. I’ll put up some posts now. You know, stuff about machines killing you, people selling their eyeballs on Craigslist, crap that happened 150 years ago that can’t possibly have any effect on your life, reliably Lefty politics, and satire that only Larry Flynt could appreciate.
We have a great deal on right eyeballs today.
“I can help you out.”
i can help you out,,,, i am the porn remover, simply stated i come by before your sale and get rid of those magazine,,,dvds..books ect… that you really just cannot toss out on the curb or display or sell in a tag/garage sale … if the collection is quality i will pay you cash for the mags/books etc. contact me and i will call you right back…
“I’m a matchmaker.”
Hi, I’m a Matchmaker who would like to begin my journey in Real Estate Investing and I’m looking to build a team which consists of individuals who are successful in their area of expertise to assist me.
So if you’re a credible, Real Estate Attorney, Mortgage Broker, Insurance agent, Tax Accountant, or Bookkeeper and you’re willing to share your education and experience to help guide a young, soon-to-be Real Estate investor, then please get back to me!
In exchange I can help match you up with the type of men or women you want.
10 search-engine keyphrase searches bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Wondering why Mitt Romney is so concerned about IRS audits of Tea Party groups…
…but was fine with the GOP trying to suppress the African-American vote in 2012.
“Why am I going through so much difficulty in life?”
Would you like free lunch?
I would like to treat you. We can meet at a eatery in Manhattan.
I would like to talk to you about questions every person asks in life.
Questions such as:
If you are asking these questions, I would like to help you.
Please email me and let’s talk over lunch.
“Will allow you to cut it or be present for cutting.”
Looking for buyer for my hair.
About me: Approx. 18-20in, straight, untreated, light brown hair. 32yo healthy, athletic male, good diet, good natural oils.
Will allow you to cut it or be present for cutting.
“You would grab the cheapest bottle of gin from a liquor store.”
Listen, my buddy and I have been in Beth Israel dealing with some recovering from a bad accident. However, we’ve been here FOREVER, and have some time to go. We would love a nice drink at night while playing cards. Can anyone help us out? You would grab the cheapest bottle of Gin from a liquor store, then bring it up. Easiest $20 you can make!!
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Hoping this Mother’s Day that you weren’t born to…
…the Tan Mom…
…nor the Teen Mom, but, you know, a wise mom.
Please don’t let another one of my sons be President.
“No counting calories.”
And Very Happy! No counting calories. I’m about to eat some steak with fries that my fat wife is cooking. I’m rubbing my feet together because I’m so Excited!!!! OHH BABE!!!!
“She is unsanitary and you will be crapping liquid for days.”
I would like to barter my Grandma. Currently I am living with her. She is independent and does not need to be taken care of. Just be prepared for her ignorant rants about how everyone is stupid and things used to be so much better. You will hear about how she is glad her husband is dead and probably some racist stuff also. She will be nice to you and everyone else’s face but will badmouth everyone behind their back in the six hours she spends on the phone a day. She will do gross stuff like use your kitchen sponge to wash everywhere and put it back in the sink. Also never eat her cooking. She is unsanitary and you will be crapping liquid for days. She does stuff like dipping raw chicken in bread crumbs and then putting the remainder back in the box to be used again. Grandma is a pack-rat who blows through money recklessly and then complains she is poor but uses the excuse that the bible says the world will end soon. And speaking of the bible if you ever cross her she will say you have the demons in you. She believes that she was diagnosed with MS in her thirties and overcame it. (First case I ever heard of) Dont try and argue with her. She is always right. If you have any type of headache ever she will insist you are a drunk even though you never drink.
Doesn’t sound too great huh. Maybe we can barter for some yard work exchange for the next sixty years and you could maybe just push her down the stairs. Be creative…will entertain all offers.