if u cant afford a real place to stay (bedstuy)
sleep on floor ……..80 a week
hit the couch 100 a week
for the love of mike please start text with name and age so i can see what im working with
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A dictator’s twisted sexual past.
No, I have no idea why I have chlorine and dog semen in my lungs.
You’re looking lovely, Mr. Butterscotch. Why don’t you join me in the pool?
“I’ll pay you 50 bucks to let my friend Chloe hold your baby.”
Need a baby to hold – $50 (Midtown West)
My friend Chloe has never held a baby before. Can anyone help her? She has never experienced the feeling of looking into a newborn baby’s eyes and seeing God. I’ll pay you 50 bucks to let my friend Chloe hold your baby. Supervised, public visit of course. This is no joke! 50 bucks for about 15 min of your time. Email me back with any questions.
Being accused of indecent behavior by pond scum.
You urinated on my wife and children.
Looking for a gassy girl (paying gig) (NYC)
I’m looking for a female that will fart in front of me or on my lap, hands. Please no bbws. No sex wanted. Send me your height/weight and pic if possible. I am willing to pay for your time just let me know how much you would want.
A rare moment of candor from Jimmy Fallon.
I hate entertaining your fat, stupid American faces so much that after each show I drink gasoline from a bedpan and penetrate prostitutes dressed like Nazi prison guards.
I am ready for your cock, Herr Fallon.
Human Kidney (Very Healthy) – $500
I am very healthy and just a little short on cash. Buyer will arrange for pickup by a professional, or at least someone who’s done it before. No BS offers. Price is very reasonable!
I will consider a trade for a PS3 with some good games.
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
- jacques tati’s playtime 1967
- when was steve jobs first mentioned in the new yorker?
- no one born in or after 2000 can ever be sold cigarettes
- creepy robots with realistic facial expressions
- alvin toffler future shock film version
- people who have apologized to donald trump
- john le carre on to tell the truth game show in 1964
- what is the title of the new movie about john du pont?
- people magazine article about jerzy kosinski
- cher and andy kaufman acting in a skit together
Afflictor: Thinking now that the New York Times has published peace activist Vladimir Putin, other dictators may get bylines at the Gray Lady.
What about me? I can write for the Times about food, theater and parenting. I have experience in all three.
You know what tastes like chicken? My enemies.
It’s very moving when Hamlet talks to Yorick’s skull.
Of the 43 children I fathered, only one has been convicted in the vicious gang murder of a Somali youth.
You’re hired.
- Old Print Articles: Educated monkey plays vaudeville (1909) + Eccentric inventor tries to live without food, starves to death (1903) + Unusual inventions aimed at helping the blind and deaf (1903).
- Featured Videos: Alan Whicker interviews “Papa Doc” Duvalier (1969), Butch Cassidy’s sister (1978), Harold Robbins (1971) and a lottery winner (1966) + Muhammad Ali and Joe Louis briefly form a detente (1966) + J.Z. Knight pretends to channel Ramtha (1985) + Beyond the Fringe changed comedy on (at least) two continents (1964) + Mike Wallace visits the Washington Post in the aftermath of Watergate (1974) + Peter Sellers in ads for TWA as an international playboy, an enthusiastic Scotsman and a jolly if condescending Brit (1970s) + Harold “Odd Job” Sakata destroys Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show set (1960s) + A report on the fledgling solar-power industry (1976).
- Recently Posted on NYC’s Craigslist: Of course, you could just make your own + That’s right, I have a landline + Please help us document that moment when it all went wrong + Anthony Recker is getting awfully zaftig.
- Apart from money, J. Paul Getty wasn’t a very rich man.
- David Epstein, author of the Sports Gene, did an Ask Me Anything.
- Julian Assange manages his empire from a ladies’ room in a London embassy.
- Margalit Fox has an obituary about America’s oldest typewriter repairman.
- Facebook is supposed to make us more satisfied, but it doesn’t.
- Interstellar archaeologists look for lost civilizations in space.
- Like it or not, the micro-drone revolution is coming.
- You can’t yet shoot down drones in Colorado.
- Errol Morris discusses Donald Rumsfeld’s obsession with words.
- Astrophysicist Roger Angel wants the American Southwest to power the world.
- Contrarian conceptualist John Baldessari rethinks art-world branding.
- As Pico Iyer points out, tragedy only occasionally has meaning.
- Jellyfish may be taking over the oceans.
- Space farming may be the key to species survival.
- Google is competing with traditional automakers in the autonomous sector.
- Autonomous vehicles will arrive incrementally.
- A look into the environmental impact of Tesla Motors.
- Journalist Caspar Henderson discusses The Techno-Human Condition.
- Today’s hackers are engaged in serious cyberwar.
- DARPA is planning underwater, autonomous military systems.
- An interactive timeline about the history of the Dow.
- Charles Bukowski was investigated by the FBI.
- Cal Worthington sold cars, was great at hoopla.
- Photographer Jim Mangan captures the desert’s otherworldy beauty.
- Robotic maggots can eat your brain tumors.
- A brief note from 1911 about a wealthy baby.
- A brief note from 1908 about a hardware store.
- A brief note from 1883 about a ticklish woman.
- This week’s Afflictor keyphrase searches.
Sewer rats haggling over the price of a blowjob.
Nine dollars for the both of you.
We’ll give you six.
Done.
Mets player with a body like a woman’s (Queens)
I don’t know who he is but there’s a guy on the Mets who has a female shaped body. I don’t know his name or number. I’m curious who he is. It’s kind of fascinating. He’s white or Hispanic/Latin. Any idea who he might be? Thanks.
The Wendy’s girl being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
But I’m only morbidly obese on the inside.
Just to be safe, let’s take both her legs.
come and video my wife and i making love (staten island)
We are in need of cash and some fun.
If u want to have some fun come join in on it.
We are in need of some cash..so we are asking for 100.
Email us now.
Vladimir Putin making a dolphin sex tape.
Put it in your mouth.
I think I saw something very wrong.
I am
Going to your house, you’re going to feed me and pay me just to sit there. And you can kiss your momma mia ass. That’s what I am talking about!!!!! See ya daddy!!!!! I got my blue jacket all ready to go!
Gayle King interviewing Bashar al-Assad.
Tell me about that sexy new fragrance you’ve just released.
You mean sarin?
A bro named Chad visiting a country named Chad.
Beer me, broheim.
DO U HAVE A URINE FETISH? – $50 (East Harlem)
Urine for you. 50$ a bottle.
“Puppy mill, kitty mill, here kitty kitty.”
Nasty crazy lady (NY & MASS)
I just got a new phone line in my house. I am getting phone calls from a woman who calls me obscene names, threatens to come beat my family up, sings and yells puppy mill, kitty mill, here kitty kitty. I have an elderly Mom and when the phone rings at 1:10 am, 2:15. am 4:55 am and all throughout the day I panic. No one has my new number yet. She calls from 8 different phone numbers in NJ, NY and Mass. Has anyone had this problem with this insane woman calling at all times of the day and night and does anyone know who she is?
10 search-engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
- contempt jean-luc godard 1963
- do they still make the baby-laugh-a-lot doll?
- marilyn chambers interview 1979
- can you sweat blood?
- did pan am offer flights to the moon?
- clifford irving discusing indian chief red fox’s hoax
- will rogers comedian
- stanley milgram’s experiments about human aggression
- paul schrader discussing bret easton ellis
- this has to be the most historic phone call ever made
Afflictor: Thinking Rush Limbaugh’s children’s book is already having an impact.
I hate welfare moms.
But we’re on welfare, son.
- Old Print Articles: Electricity used as an anaesthetic (1910) + Boston physician thinks he can weigh souls (1907) + Guglielmo Marconi suspects Martians are sending us Morse code (1920).
- Classic Photograph: Captain Henry Wirz, Erstwhile Warden (1865).
- Featured Videos: The Carpenters pretend to be happy to see Ralph Edwards (1971) + Merv Griffin is visited by Woody Allen (1969) + Joe Pyne “welcomes” Yippie Paul Krassner (1967) + Two Faye Dunaway commercials (1960s/1980s) + Hollywood agent Sue Mengers profiled on 60 Minutes (1975) + Muhammad Ali speaks dismissively of Malcolm X right before the latter man’s murder (1965) + David Epstein explains to Keith Olbermann why Jamaica has the best sprinters + Elon Musk demonstrates gesture-based, futuristic designing + Jack Benny meets Walt Disney (1964).
- Recently Posted on NYC’s Craigslist: That cock-blocking lesbian did humanity a disservice + Why does this salad smell like pee? + I am pretending I lost a Halloween dare + It’s like trading recipes, except there’s a lot more penetration.
- Tyler Cowen predicts the victors in our increasingly autonomous age.
- Nicholas Carr believes paper will survive pixels.
- What’s more unfair in athletics, PEDs or genetics?
- Transcranial Direct-Current Stimulation may enhance performance.
- Is lab-grown meat unethical in any way?
- Tech items that were available 30 years ago in the Sears catalog.
- Some things Jeff Bezos said while visiting the WaPo offices.
- Next-wave prosthetics have the design genius of iPods.
- The idea of the Multiverse is rooted in ancient times.
- Malcom Gladwell believes American football will become marginalized.
- Lawrence Weschler meditates on David Hockney’s use of technology.
- Smartphone ubiquity may be permanent or perhaps not.
- Selfies seem to speak poorly of us or perhaps not.
- Slate global reporter Josh Keating did an Ask Me Anything.
- Regenerative medicine is better for the creation of Organoids.
- A brief note from 1901 about a yachting trip.
- A brief note from 1911 about apes dining.
- A brief note from 1911 about roast camel.
- Afflictor Nation: Great Britain rules in August.
- This week’s Afflictor keyphrase searches.
“The night I nearly banged my cousin.”
Controversial Epic Failures Book – $2 (Midtown)
The Chris Wheeler Stories. Its a compilation of all my funny stories that happened in my life, it is not for the faint of heart as it is very graphic and hilarious. Trust me when I say you will laugh your ass off. Its available on Ebook for $1.99, you will like it I’m sure if you give it a chance. Here’s the chapter list:
1. A cock blocking lesbian potentially saved my life.
2. I busted a nut in mid air.
3. My cage fight.
4. Truth or dare.
5. The night I nearly banged my cousin.
6. The day I almost died.
7. Her husband watched me bang her.
8. Why not to overdose on benadryll.
9. My first dance with mary.
10. I always remember to floss.
11. The ever so addicting webcam.
12. Strip clubs suck.
13. The wannabe gangsters.
14. Club descretions.
15. …And then her mom walked in.
16. My virginity gets taken, amongst other things.
17. My self evaluation.
18. Sex with a 40 year old.
19. The popular girl with immunity.
20. My great depression.
21. Facts of me.
22. I got robbed, yo!
“…And then her mom walked in.”
Spring break at Trump University.
Everyone whose check clears gets an A+.
Tuition has left me deeply in debt. Maybe I’ll rob a liquor store and steal a car to fund my Spring Break trip.
Can I help you?
Empty the register.
I didn’t mean to murder the clerk. Oh, well. Next stop: Panama City.
Show me your tits.
What have I done? I’ll never be forgiven.
Put your hands up.
You’ll never take me alive!
I escaped lethal injection and found religion on the inside. Now I mentor other prisoners.
Aren’t these supposed to be funny?
That moment when a parent gives up hope for her child.
Did I get green magic marker on my face, Mom?.
“Liquid gold.”
Pregnancy Urine – $50 (Hudson Valley)
Strange but true, the hormones in a pregnant woman’s urine can increase plant growth. It MUST be diluted in water though, or you will burn your plants–a little goes a long way. I have used 8oz. urine in one gallon of water with good results–giving each plant no more than 1/2 cup (less to small plants). Once per month for average houseplants, 2 times a month for orchids seems to work very well for me (finally got my orchids to bloom after 2 years of blossoms dropping off before opening). At the proper dilution it did not make the plants smell like pee–no one needs to know your secret for gorgeous orchids.
You could freeze it for next years tomato plants–online info seems to suggest it gives a bumper crop. However, the idea of saving urine in your freezer until spring may be sort of gross–label it well!
The urine comes in a clean glass mason jar, containing at least 8oz of urine. Yes, it will be “fresh” but use it up or freeze it. Handle it as any organic plant fertilizer: Wear gloves, don’t use it straight, and DON’T just leave it lying around–it will go “bad”.
For goodness sake, don’t email me with any weird sexual requests or I will NOT respond.
Put “liquid gold” in the subject line or I will not open email.
