An unairconditioned subway car, in which Dracula just defecated.
Why did you do such an awful thing?
Because in addition to being a vampire, I’m also sort of a jerk.
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A pen of swine, bearing witness to a naked Geraldo selfie.
The towel drops on three, guys.
Please take our eyes.
A gang of armed nuns, assassinating President McKinley 2.0.
We believe in a vengeful God.
No, not again!
Piers Morgan, interviewing Nicolae Ceausescu’s exhumed corpse.
How many times have you been properly in love?
A coven of witches, at a Steven Seagal film festival.
Let’s watch Half Past Dead first. That one has Ja Rule and Nia Peeples.
My acting causes ball cancer.
A garbage strike, in Mussolini’s ass.
Hurry, boys. It’s getting bad down there.
Not even for time-and-a-half and a matching 401k.
Babe Ruth’s jockstrap, that season he contracted syphilis.
The chorus girls in Cleveland are particularly ridden with disease.
Grandma’s funk, after several hours of target practice at the shooting range.
Who moved my cigarettes?
A pig farmer who just committed a bestial act behind a filling station.
We are to be betrothed.
Hitler’s corpse, rotting in a bunker.
And I totally forgot to wear deodorant.
Used head bandages, soaked with the blood of Satan.
So, I’m manscaping and I sneeze and the razor catches me above the eyebrow. I mean, you know, duh.
Red onion slices, vomited by a werewolf.
I thought they were the fancy potato chips.
A box of popcorn taking a dump.
Did the popcorn just drop a deuce?
Why, yes, I did.
Many carnival workers experiencing simultaneous diarrhea.
We must have eaten some bad clams.
Donald Trump: Lost a Rolex once while fisting.
Donald Trump recently got into trouble when he sent out a tweet that seemed anti-Semitic.
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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump
I promise you that I’m much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz – I mean Jon Stewart @TheDailyShow. Who, by the way, is totally overrated.
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That does sound sort of prejudiced, like he’s trying to “expose” Stewart as Jewish, as if that were a negative thing to be, something shameful that must be hidden. But maybe Donald Trump didn’t intend it that way. I mean, it’s not like he referred to Stewart with an anti-Semitic stereotype by calling him “pushy” or something like that.
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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump:
Jon Stewart(?) nothing funny or smart just loud & obnoxious, a pushy dope.
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Okay, yes, Donald Trump is anti-Semitic in addition to being an orange-headed racist buffoon. But give him credit for one thing: He is a stud nonpareil. He says so himself and why would Donald Trump lie?
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@ChrisCJackson: @realDonaldTrump I’m pretty sure your wife is cheating on you at this exact second.” Sorry, no-one else can satisfy her!
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Generous man that he is, Donald Trump is ready to share his sex tips with aspiring hounds.
Okay guys, remember to wear form-fitting clothes to show the ladies your rock-hard abs. You’ll have them salivating like I do.
If that doesn’t work, introduce them to your only really attractive quality.
Next you kiss the pussy like this.
Then you put the thing in the hole.
But will it work for an average joe like me, Mr. Trump.
Of course. Just try it on the next hot mess you meet in a singles bar.
I did what you said and got terrible crabs. My stuff really itches.
Not to worry. Just use some of my new Trump Crab Spray for Men. It’s classy. Just remember not to ingest it. Highly toxic.
But it tastes so freaking good.
Do not drink it!
Does it come in a bigger size?
Stop drinking my delicious crotch spray or someone will die!
Sen. Ted Cruz, a McCarthy-esque wackjob, has formed an exploratory committee to see if he should run for President in 2016.
But so has his left testicle.
Who can forget the great job the testicle did during the hearings to weed out imaginary traitors in our government?
General, I’m going to need you to name names.
Wait, am I being interrogated by part of somebody’s junk?
You are, General.
What happened to the peen?
Never mind, you traitor!
Ted Cruz’s left testicle has also been tough on undocumented workers.
¿por qué me odias, Senor Ballo?
Ted Cruz’s left testicle just needs a good running mate.
Perhaps Allen West’s right nut might be interested.
I’m Ted Cruz’s left testicle and I approve this message.
More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:
Tags: Ted Cruz
It’s been a tough stretch at CNN: bad ratings, awful reporting about the Boston Marathon bombing and new network president Jeff Zucker saying that he wants to “broaden the definition of news,” while adding a lot of entertainment shows to the schedule. But at least CNN has an exciting new correspondent.
I’m Billy Eichner, from Billy on the Street, reporting from outside the former American Embassy in Syria for CNN.
Assad is going to murder you, you gays!
The American homosexual is correct.
For a dollar, who has had more work done, Joan Rivers or Sarah Palin?
My children have died from a lack of potable water and my husband was boiled in acid.
Wrong, you moron. It was Sarah Palin.
For a dollar, the best way to wreck a political prisoner’s genitals is by using a ball-peen hammer or rusty pliers?
I have been using a ball-peen hammer. but these rusty pliers sound interesting.
Correct!. You win a dollar!
Great. In Syria these days, a dollar will buy many pairs of rusty pliers.
Assad is going to murder you, you gays!
Jeff Zucker: I’m just trying to broaden the definition of news.
Rupert: Good job, Jeff.
More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:
Tags: Billy Eichner, Jeff Zucker
My fellow Americans, if you could put down your hand grenades and cheeseburgers for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.
I ran for the highest office in the land in order to improve this country. But I’ve come to the conclusion that you violent half-wits deserve to continue sitting in your shit-filled diapers. So I am resigning.
I have seen some horrors during my time as President of this deeply stupid country.
Social drinkers with violent mood swings.
Senators with delicate lips who seem to have a lot of repressed energy.
People who love their assault weapons so much that they might as well fuck them and give birth to their children.
Dipshits who are unaware that the Joker is a fucking character in a fucking movie.
And whatever this thing is.
It’s me!
You fat stumblefucks have aged me horribly. I look like Dr. J’s grandfather.
You tell ’em, Pop-Pop.
In summation, I hate you all so much. In addition to resigning, I’m renouncing my American citizenship and moving to Kenya.
I knew it.
Now you jackasses will get what you so richly deserve.
More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:
Tags: Barack Obama
Donald Trump: Could put a casino in the Lincoln bedroom.
The only time Donald Trump seems to tell the truth is in legal depositions when he acknowledges that he may be given to exaggerating just a tiny bit. Otherwise, he inflates everything about himself to match his distended ego. Take, for instance, the ratings of his idiotic TV show. Donald Trump was very happy with the numbers for the premiere episode.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
@CelebApprentice wins 10-11 o’clock hour in all key ratings demographics, including, most importantly, the 18-49 age group.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Additionally, @CelebApprentice ranked as the #1 program in the 9-11 pm time period with adults in the 25-54 age group.
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Reality, however, may be slightly at odds with Trump’s accounting. From TV By The Numbers:
‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Returns Down
| Time | Net | Show | 18-49 Rating/Share | Viewers (Millions) |
| 9:00 | FOX | Family Guy – R | 1.9/5 | 4.11 |
| CBS | The Good Wife | 1.6/4 | 8.94 | |
| NBC | Celebrity Apprentice (9-11PM) – Season Premiere | 1.6/4 | 5.08 | |
| ABC | Red Widow (9-11PM) – Series Premiere | 1.4/4 | 6.92 |
| 10:00 | CBS | The Mentalist | 1.5/4 | 9.10 |
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But being trounced by The Good Wife and The Mentalist in key demos can’t get Donald Trump down. He’s excited about putting up one of his tasteful buildings right near the White House. From Conservative Read, that bastion of journalistic excellence:
“A couple of years ago, I saw a major, major state dinner — and it was in tent on the White House lawn. A bad tent. Probably a tent that the guy who owns the tent made a fortune. (He) probably rented it for one night for more than it cost him. I said to myself, ‘Here’s China in a tent.’
I called up the White House, someone I know very well, very high position, and I said, ‘I will offer to build, free of charge, the most beautiful ball room in the country, anywhere. I will do it. It’ll cost anywhere from 50-100 million dollars. You can get the greatest architects. We’ll make it perfectly sympathetic with the White House and the architecture. It’ll be fabulous.’ They said, ‘Thank you very much! What an offer!’ We never heard from them.”
What an amazing building it would be! But Donald Trump still has one problem. He wants to place a fountain out front and he has to work out some details. Perhaps his friend Glenn Beck can help him.
Glenn, it’s Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of classy, golden liquid. What do you suggest?
How about using my urine, Donald?
Great idea. You start knocking back the Snapple. I need a geyser’s worth.
Classy!
Wow, it looks great. And no one would be stupid enough to drink from the fountain.
Obama doesn’t want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I’m gonna.
Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy beverage and I don’t? I’m a very important man.
That’s more like it. Cheers.
Oh, no! I just drank Genn Beck’s whiz. I better call my doctor.
Dr. Morey’s office.
Gloria, It’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It’s an emergency!
Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine wants to speak to you.
Put Trump through, Gloria.
Am I gonna survive, Doc?
I’ve got good news and bad news, dum-dum.
What’s the bad news?
You’re ugly. Oh, and you’ve got six months to live.
That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Think of the situation as a business opportunity.
Morey’s right!
Donald Trump Breath Spray. For times when you’re tongue tastes like Glenn Beck’s piss.
Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. I accidentally drank urine again.
More recent fake, comedy crap:
Donald Trump: Tic Tac Dough still thinks he’s a scumbag.
It’s usually the last person who should be pointing fingers who points them first. Like when Donald Trump scolds other people for adultery or accuses someone else’s restaurant of having bad food. Recently, Donald Trump has been trying to get revenge on Brian Williams because the NBC anchor chided him for his disgraceful Twitter antics on Election Day. He’s been insulting the newsman because of his low-rated primetime show, Rock Center.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Looks like @bwilliams is having some problems with his Rock Center with Brian Williams show–I hate to see such bad ratings for @NBC.
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Of course, Brian Williams has consistently had the number one network evening newscast, drawing nearly 10 million viewers a night to a non-primetime show. If only Donald Trump’s show was drawing such numbers for NBC in primetime:
“On NBC, the finale of Celebrity Apprentice was up four-tenths, drawing a 2.2 compared to last week’s 1.8 among adults 18-49. However, this was the lowest-rated finale episode of the series to date.” (TVbythenumbers.com.)
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But there’s some good news for Donald Trump: A major news organization recently conducted a scientific survey and discovered that Donald Trump is the third most envied person in America.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Wow—Family Feud said I am the third most envied man in America. I respectfully disagree—I am very modest.
Wow—Family Feud said I am the third most envied man in America. I respectfully disagree—I am very modest.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
If I’m the third most envied man in America, the small group of haters and losers must be nauseas.
Donald J. Trump
Great going.
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I myself am feeling a little “nauseas” right now. However, Donald Trump shouldn’t get too excited–the same 100 people who were too dumb to get out of answering that Family Feud survey also gave these responses when asked the following question: “When someone mentions ‘the King,’ to whom might he or she be referring?”
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But Donald Trump is being too modest. He was mentioned on the Family Feud another time. It’s time to play the Feud.
The category is “Things You Would Ingest to Avoid Seeing Donald Trump Naked.” And your answer is “Butt Brownies.” The survey says…
Butt Brownies is the top answer!
Can I get real with you for a minute, woman?
I wish you would.
I mean, can I get very real?
I’ve already stated my preference that you become more real.
What if there was no other option? What if it became an existential nightmare and there was no way for you to avoid looking at Donald Trump naked? What would you do?
Blechh!
If I wasn’t already dead, I’d shoot myself.
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More recent fake, comedy crap:
How you doing, girlfriend?
My pussy is wet.
Mine, too.
Wait, I thought you were the guy.
Oh, right. Hold on, I’ve got another call.
Hi, can you take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?
Woman, I told you to not call me here. What if my girlfriend finds out?
I’m a telemarketer.
I don’t care what you do for a living. As long as it makes you happy, girl.
I’m hanging up now.
I’ll talk to you later.
No, you won’t.
I’m back.
Was that one of your sluts?
Don’t crowd me, woman.
But I want us to be exclusive.
We could, if you weren’t dying from fake cancer.
I forgot. Will you at least come to my funeral?
I’d love to, but I’m going to Mars on a secret mission for NASA.
More recent fake comedy crap:
Tags: Manti Te'o
Donald Trump: Emboldened by stupidity.
Donald Trump is completely full of shit, yet there’s still a void within him. He will do anything for attention, even filing frivolous lawsuits. He recently threatened to sue the rapper Mac Miller, who recorded a song called “Donald Trump,” seemingly irked because the performer made critical but not slanderous remarks about him.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Little @MacMiller, I’m now going to teach you a big boy lesson about lawsuits and finance. You ungrateful dog!
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Little @MacMiller, you illegally used my name for your song “Donald Trump” which now has over 75 million hits.
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Like the rest of Donald Trump’s existence, it is a stupid waste of everybody’s time. But he went even further with comedian Bill Maher, who jokingly promised to pay Donald Trump $5 million if the miserable mogul could prove that he wasn’t fathered by an orangutan. Even though there’s no legitimate basis for a suit, Donald Trump has indeed filed one.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
@BillMaher didn’t come through with his promised $5 million for chairty so today I will sue him.
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It’s easy to see where the legal proceedings are heading.
Hello, Gloria, it’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to my lawyer, Morey.
Morey, that horrible man who looks like calcified urine wants to file a frivolous lawsuit.
Put Trump through right away, Gloria. I need a new houseboat.
Morey was on fire during the trial.
Members of the jury were dazzled. It looked bad for Bill Maher.
But wait…I have a surprise witness.
Donnie boy! It’s me…Papa!
Jury foreman, how do you rule on Mr. Trump’s case?
I’ve been robbed! This never would have happened if Judge Judy was handling the case. She has a lot of money, so she’s a winner.
I presided over the landmark case of the missing potato chip.
THE END.
More recent fake comedy crap:
Tags: Bill Maher, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Is A Moron, Mac Miller
Donald Trump: It took 66 years to make this mess.
Donald Trump can urinate in a jug three feet from a toilet if he feels like. He has that kind of money. It’s Howard Hughes territory. What the orange-headed racist buffoon lacks, among other things, is happiness. He tries to fill that empty sack where a soul should be by drawing attention to himself at any cost. Often he engages in public feuds with celebrities who’ve never done a thing to him. Sometimes, for instance, he attacks them for doing things he himself has done.
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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!
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And so can all three of Donald Trump’s wives! But what grandpa really specializes in are large-scale embarrassing ploys, like the racist “business deal” he offered to President Obama during the election. The latest delusional idea hatched by the hideous hotelier is that he may purchase the struggling New York Times, something that will never happen. But what if it did? Of course, it would fail the way Trump’s magazines have always failed. But until then, it would be a classy publication.
Donald Trump’s
OP-ED COLUMNIST
Miss America’s Pussy Smells Good
By PAUL KRUGMAN
Published: January 29, 2013
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OP-ED COLUMNIST
I Met A Broad In A Casino. She Was Not Flat.
By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: January 29, 2013
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OP-ED COLUMNIST
Poor People Are Losers
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: January 30, 2013
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OP-ED COLUMNIST
Women Without Breast Implants Need Burqas
By GAIL COLLINS
Published: January 30, 2013
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OP-ED COLUMNIST
Mr. Cuddles Writes Words Good!!
By MR. CUDDLES
Published: January 29, 2013
Manti Te’o was having an affair behind his dead, fake girlfriend’s back…
…with that slut Jenny…
…even though she was already pregnant with Kanye’s baby.
But then Jenny was eaten by a shark.
We miss you, Jenny.
Fuck you, shark.
Tags: Manti Te'o
Donald Trump: Hypocrisy is a sham.
Perhaps it won’t end for Donald Trump the way it did for Gaddafi. Time will tell. Trump, who receives a lot of fan mail, feels that he can insult whomever he wants and never has to apologize for his boorish behavior. But others who say mean things about him need to beg his forgiveness.
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Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
If Sheena Monnin apologized for her mistake, as she should have, I would have treated her very nicely.
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Sheena Monin was a contestant in the Miss USA pageant who claimed that the contest was rigged. She was sued for defamation and lost her case. In all fairness, not even someone as dumb as Donald Trump would fix a contest like that. He knows that kind of behavior could get him into a lot of trouble. Of course, Donald Trump recently called a slightly more important competition–the U.S. Presidential election–a “sham” and a “disgusting injustice” when his candidate was defeated fair and square. He has never said he is sorry for defaming that contest.
But Donald Trump was right about the pageant: Sheena Monin should have apologized. In fact, a lot of people should tell Donald Trump they’re sorry.
Sal, Barber: My apologies for making you look like a turd blossom, Mr. Trump. I do it because I hate you.
Dottie, Retired Schoolteacher: I’m sorry I gave you passing grades, you toolbox, but I just couldn’t bear to look anymore at that cunt you call a face.
Dave, Animal Wrangler: I’m sorry I lined my bird’s cage with your photo, but I didn’t want to get ostrich diarrhea on old newspapers.
Vincent, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men’s cologne to kill roaches. My bad.
Tina, Biologist: I’m sorry I learned how to read, which has made me realize that your TV show, casinos and beauty pageants are all incredibly fucking stupid.
Dr. Benson, Obstetrician: I’m sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother’s crack.