I don’t want to hear no crying, sonny boy.

Damn you, Obamacare.

Your parents gave you away because they didn’t love you.

No big deal. I’m sort of a lone wolf, anyhow.

You really ruined that for me, you dick.

I need more time.

Time’s up, Jonny. Pay now or it’s a knife in the belly.

But I’ve got kids, man.

Nothing personal. It’s just business.

I beg of you!

Let’s go, baby.

How? My husband’s hogging the bed.

How about a three-way?

You got it, Fatty. I’m ready to operate.

I hate you, Obamacare.

Do you have ten minutes to save ten percent on your auto insurance?

There’s a break room in my urinary tract.

Immigrants aren’t like you and I.

Mother will never disobey Father that way again.

I should call that nice man from the John Birch Society.

I think I murdered a social worker.

Just made a fresh pitcher.

Monte Ball fumbling in the red zone nearly killed me, but Romo lit up the Rams’ secondary, so I’m good.

I hope there’s a heaven.

Assad says he will give up his chemical weapons and you say…

How big is your strap-on? This big?

I’m not telling you.

But it’s longer than this pen, right?

I will not respond.

So big it hits you in the eye when you go jogging?

Move it, Fatty. I’m going rogue.

I’ve been butchered. Damn you, Obamacare!

My vagina needs a nap.

Objection, your honor. I have a huge boner.

Sustained. I could use a piece myself.

Okay, but then I’m closing the store for the evening.

I’m on trial for murder. Please stop focusing on whores.

You’re murdering our good time. I find you guilty.

No, I have no idea why I have chlorine and dog semen in my lungs.

You’re looking lovely, Mr. Butterscotch. Why don’t you join me in the pool?

You urinated on my wife and children.

I hate entertaining your fat, stupid American faces so much that after each show I drink gasoline from a bedpan and penetrate prostitutes dressed like Nazi prison guards.

I am ready for your cock, Herr Fallon.

Nine dollars for the both of you.

We’ll give you six.

Done.

But I’m only morbidly obese on the inside.

Just to be safe, let’s take both her legs.

Put it in your mouth.

I think I saw something very wrong.

Tell me about that sexy new fragrance you’ve just released.

You mean sarin?

Beer me, broheim.

Everyone whose check clears gets an A+.

Tuition has left me deeply in debt. Maybe I’ll rob a liquor store and steal a car to fund my Spring Break trip.

Can I help you?

Empty the register.

I didn’t mean to murder the clerk. Oh, well. Next stop: Panama City.

Show me your tits.

What have I done? I’ll never be forgiven.

Put your hands up.

You’ll never take me alive!

I escaped lethal injection and found religion on the inside. Now I mentor other prisoners.

Aren’t these supposed to be funny?

I was in a parking lot the other day, and I see this black woman in a wheelchair. And that’s the way women and blacks in America are now. They all want to be in wheelchairs so that I have to pay their way.

Your contention is false. This was a random occurrence that you accepted as a rule because it concurred with and fed your preexisting prejudices. Further, you drink too much and have likely sustained many concussions.

Extremely disappointed in the casting of Fifty Shades of Grey. They couldn’t find 2 better looking people to play Christian & Anastasia? Eww.

Ben Affleck as Batman?! Just when you thought that film wasn’t going to be a big enough disaster.

Available at Macy’s and other fine dealers of nooses.