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Decoder: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Boasts About Iran’s Growing Nuclear Prowess

February 13, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

I got this blazer on sale at Korvette's. Such savings you would not believe!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: With the U.S. and the U.S.S.R., one was just as bad as the other. Both contributed to the destruction of world values. They talked about prosperity and wealth, but they killed more than 120 million individuals in the last 120 years and made many more homeless and injured.

Decoder: I’m the only person on the planet annoying enough to make Russia agree with Obama on anything. I mean, the Russians side with North Fucking Korea over the U.S. And Kim Jong-il is one suspicious Happy Meal from being Idi Amin.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I am proudly announcing today that our scientists have gotten laser technology and will be manufacturing and providing the Iranian nation with new equipment.

Decoder: Lazer Zeppelin is upon us, and we will have the technology to produce Lazer Floyd within six months.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Today many of our cities enjoy electricity, schools, health, activities in villages that were on the verge of destruction. I do not want to offer figures and statistics; you are all aware of them.

Decoder: You’re not all aware of them? Let me see if I have them on me. Oh, I know, I must have left them in the pocket of my other Members Only jacket. But they are so very awesome, I swear.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I want to proudly announce that in the next few days we will have celebrations for electricity being transferred to all villages with more than 20 households.

Decoder: 1934, here we come!

The Tehran planetarium will be rocking. (Image by Dina Regine.)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Due to the blessings of God Almighty, today the convoy of the Iranian nation’s progress and prosperity is moving forward more swiftly and no power can resist the power of the Iranian nation.

Decoder: I am not going to stop talking until I get this whole fucking country blown up.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: With no doubt, the future belongs to the Iranian nation. Its enemies have no chance for victory.

Decoder: My penis, it is very small, so I talk really big. You should hear me in clubs and bars.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Liberalism is trying to turn all nations into laborers to fill the pockets of capitalists. They want to make a modern slavery.

Decoder: Though Casual Fridays are really fun. And that new lady in HR doesn’t seem bad. I think her name is “Carol.”

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The Allies’ victory in WWII was due to plundering the energy resources of the Middle East.

Decoder: I know even less about history than Sarah Palin.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: They want us to be kept weak and under the domination of atrocious dictators.

Decoder: No, not me, Mr. Funnypants. The other atrocious dictators.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Hopefully, the Western wing of the hegemonic system has come to its end and this malicious system will hopefully collapse.

Decoder: Actually, it kind of already has, but they seem to still be way richer than us, which has me baffled.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: From a scientific view we have made the swiftest signs of progress in the world.

Decoder: Did I mention only six months to Lazer Floyd?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I am proud to announce that, the day before yesterday, we began to enrich the 20% fuel. The first convoy of 20%-enriched fuel was produced.

Decoder: It was very likely not produced, but again: little penis = big talk.

Thinks he's agreed to host an Aziz Ansari roast. (Image by Scott LaPierre.)

Mahmoud Ahmajinedad: They should know that our nation is so courageous that if we make a nuclear bomb, we will openly announce it.

Decoder: And Charles Barkley has agreed to do color commentary. No, seriously, he actually agreed to do it. He’s apparently crazy.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: We will never allow the West to dominate this region.

Decoder: And by oppressing my own people and creating such a sick society, I will make sure we never dominate this region, either.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The Iranian youth have a right to seek justice and truth. They have a right to build their own future on the foundations of love, compassion and tranquility.

Decoder: And when they finally do, I am so totally fucked.

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Ruining The Classics: Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man And The Sea

February 10, 2010 in Books, Humor | Permalink

Side effects may include: back pain, blurred vision, cough, decreased sexual ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, lightheadedness, runny or stuffy nose, sinus inflammation, trouble sleeping and weakness.

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. Every time he could have caught a marlin, he was too busy going to the men’s room. It made the boy sad to see the old man come in each day with his skiff empty and he always went down to help him either carry the coiled lines or the gaff and harpoon and the sail that was furled around the mast. Then the old man would rush to the can in the Red Lobster because he felt like he needed to take a leak.

Everything about him was old except his eyes which were the color of the sea and were cheerful and undefeated. But his prostate was defeated–enlarged and badly defeated. The old man was thin and gaunt and had deep wrinkles behind his neck, which he noticed one day in a restroom mirror. He sat on the Terrace and many of the fishermen made fun of him but he was not angry. He thought he had a going problem, but then his doctor told him that he had a growing problem. That’s when he discovered Flomax.

‘Bad news for you, fish,’ he said and shifted the line over the sacks that covered his shoulders. ‘I am a tired old man. But I have killed this fish which is my brother.’ Later, up the road in his shack, the old man was sleeping again, dreaming about the lions. He had taken a Cialis, so he rested upon a gigantic boner.”

Read other Ruined Classics.

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Ruining The Classics: Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway

February 8, 2010 in Books, Humor | Permalink

Maybe Septimus couldn't stand your jibber-jabber.

“Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. It was pretty fucking obvious nobody else was gonna do it. Try to get people to move their asses.

For Lucy had her work cut out for her. The doors would be taken off their hinges; Rumpelmayer’s men were coming. And then, thought Clarissa Dalloway, what a morning—fresh as if issued to children on a beach. But cold as fuck. Was it supposed to be so cold? That’s not what it said in the papers.

She had reached the Park gates. She stood for a moment, looking at the omnibuses in Piccadilly. The park, it smelled like shit, thought Mrs. Dalloway. They probably should clean that place more often. You think bums don’t urinate in there?

She would not say of any one in the world now that they were this or were that. She felt very young; at the same time unspeakably aged. Which really makes very little sense. I mean, I guess she was being poetic, but maybe she’s just middle-aged and confused. She sliced like a knife through everything; at the same time was outside, looking on. She had a perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day. Especially if you don’t even know basic stuff like if you’re young or old. Life really is very fucking dangerous when you don’t even have rudimentary knowledge.

Her only gift was knowing people almost by instinct, she thought, walking on. If you put her in a room with some one, up went her back like a cat’s; or she purred. Which inevitably creeped out everyone. She remembered once throwing a shilling into the Serpentine. Because poor people had no use for that money. I bet one of the urinators in the park would have been really grateful for it. But every one remembered; what she loved was this, here, now, in front of her; the fat lady in the cab. But I’ll say one thing for the fat lady, I bet she at least knows if she’s young or old. She might be overweight, but she probably has some concept of time.

But what was she dreaming as she looked into Hatchards’ shop window? Was it that dream where you’re naked but nobody else notices? I hate that one. What was she trying to recover? What image of white dawn in the country, as she read in the book spread open:

Fear no more the heat o’ the sun
Nor the furious winter’s rages.

This late age of the world’s experience had bred in them all, all men and women, a well of tears. But it had not bred in them the ability to use a rhyming dictionary to save their fucking lives.”

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Decoder: Sarah Palin’s Keynote Address At The Tea Party Convention

February 7, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

This is a party of the people--working-class people who will pay me $100k for a speech. Ka-ching!

Sarah Palin: I look forward to attending more Tea Party events in the near future. It is just so inspiring to see real people.

Decoder: Real white people, that is. Real racist white people who aren’t really good spellers and who are resentful about having an African-American President.

Sarah Palin: Now, in many ways, Scott Brown represents what this beautiful movement is all about. You know, he was just a guy with a truck and a passion to serve our country.

Decoder: A guy without pants. A guy who did bottomless stuff. A guy who let it flap in the breeze. Also: Pointing out that he owned a truck makes it look like I’m connecting to working-class people, when I’m collecting $100K for a speech.

Sarah Palin: The Tea Party movement is not a top-down operation. This is about the people, and it’s bigger than any king or queen of a Tea Party. And it’s a lot bigger than any charismatic guy with a Teleprompter.

Decoder: But not bigger than a charismatic woman with notes scribbled on her hand.

Sarah Palin: The stakes are too high right now, and your voice is too important. So work hard for these candidates, but put your faith in ideas.

Decoder: Or vague buzzwords and catchphrases that have no real meaning.

Sarah Palin: Because that’s not how radical Islamic extremists are looking at this. They know we’re at war. And to win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor of law standing at the lecturn!

Decoder: I don’t like professors, with their gotcha questions. They were always giving me bad grades at all five of the colleges I attended.

Sarah Palin: And you know, it’s no wonder that our President only spent about nine percent of his State of the Union Address discussing national security and foreign policy, because there aren’t a whole lot of victories that he could talk about that night.

Decoder: He hasn’t started any cool wars yet.

Sarah Palin: Just like you…probably just so tired of hearing the talk talk talk…Tired of hearing the talk!

Decoder: Although I can’t shut my resentful piehole for five minutes.

Sarah Palin: We need clear foreign policy that stands with the people and for democracy—one that reflects both our values and our interests, and it is in our best interest, because democracies—they don’t go to war with each other. They can settle their differences peacefully.

Decoder: Actually, democracies do go to war with each other. I am a complete fucking idiot–a complete fucking idiot with a $100K check in my pocket!

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Ruining The Classics: Franz Kafka’s The Trial

February 6, 2010 in Books, Humor | Permalink

Worst of all, the topping was anchovies.

“Someone must have been telling lies about Josef K., he knew he had not ordered a pizza but, one evening, a man delivering a pizza showed up at his door. Every day at eight in the evening he was brought his dinner by Mrs. Grubach’s cook–Mrs. Grubach was his landlady–but today she didn’t come. That had never happened before. K. waited a little while, looked from his pillow at the old woman who lived opposite and who was watching him with an inquisitiveness quite unusual for her, and he grew both hungry and disconcerted.

There was a knock at the door and a man holding a pizza box stood there. Josef K. had never seen the man in this house before. He was slim but firmly built so that he could carry many pizzas, his clothes were black and close-fitting, with many folds and pockets, buckles and buttons and a belt, all of which gave the impression of being very practical but without making it very clear what they were actually for. But probably they had something to do with pizza delivery.

‘Who are you?’ asked K. The man, however, ignored the question as if his arrival simply had to be accepted. K. refused payment. He was living in a free country, after all, everywhere was at peace, laws were decent and were upheld, who was it who dared to accost him in his home with a pizza? K., wrenching himself back from his daydreaming, said to the pizza guy, ‘I really don’t know what it is you want of me.’ The strange man in the doorway replied: ‘How about $11.50 plus tip, Dillweed?'”

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Decoder: Jay Leno’s Speech About The Late Night Controversy

January 20, 2010 in Humor, Misc. | Permalink

My chin grows when I lie.

Jay Leno is probably no more insincere and greedy than anyone else in show business. But he tries so hard to prove he’s a solid working-class American who’s above the fray that he comes across as passive-aggressive and manipulative. His recent speech about the late-night talk show wars is a good example of his bullshit. The following is a decoded version of the least-honest moments of Leno’s address.

Jay Leno: I said, Well, I’ve been No. 1 for 12 years. They said, We know that, but we don’t think you can sustain that. I said, Okay. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me? No, we made this decision.

Decoder: I actually hadn’t been number one for all 12 years. I struggled mightily during my first couple of years. Thankfully, Johnny Carson wasn’t hovering over me every second, campaigning to get his job back. Especially since he was pushed out of the job in favor of me while he was still number one in the ratings.

Jay Leno: Don’t blame Conan O’Brien. Nice guy, good family guy, great guy.

Decoder: I’m the one everyone is blaming, so I am going to pivot and pretend Conan is somehow the object of scorn. Then I will absolve him of the fictional blame to make myself look magnanimous. Also: I am the kind of solid American who can judge the family values of others. Didn’t you notice my American flag lapel pin?

Jay Leno: I said, All right, can I keep my staff? There are 175 people that work here.

Decoder: It’s not about my ego. It’s about me keeping my staff employed during these difficult economic times. I am very thoughtful that way.

Jay Leno: Conan’s show during the summer…we’re not on…was not doing well.

Decoder: My historically poor lead-in is not responsible for Conan trailing David Letterman. I also trailed Letterman during my first couple of years as Tonight Show host, so I speak from experience.

Jay Leno: They said, Well, look, how about you do a half-hour show at 11:30? Now, where I come from, when your boss gives you a job and you don’t do it, well…

Decoder: I am just a working stiff like Joe Lunchpail. A working stiff with hundreds of millions of dollars and hundreds of vintage cars, but I’ve still got to punch the clock and support my wife because I’m a good family man.

Jay Leno: I said okay. Shake hands, that’s it. I don’t have a manager, I don’t have an agent, that’s my handshake deal.

Decoder: I’m a regular guy like you, not one off these show biz phonies with managers and agents. At one point, I did have a manager and she worked tirelessly to get Carson pushed out of the Tonight Show so I could have the job, even though Johnny was number one in the ratings.

Jay Leno: Yeah, I’ll take the show back. If that’s what he wants to do. This way, we keep our people working, fine.

Decoder: Again, it’s about my staff keeping their jobs, not about my ambitions.

Jay Leno: But through all of this, Conan O’Brien has been a gentleman. He’s a good guy. I have no animosity towards him.

Decoder: In a couple of days, I will make a joke about what an overrated millionaire Conan is. He’s not a working class hero like me.

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Afflictor.com Advertising Blitz Paying Dividends Already

December 17, 2009 in Humor | Permalink

Paper cuts lead to lawsuits.

Paper cuts lead to lawsuits.

By now you’re probably tired of seeing Afflictor.com’s advertising blitz everywhere. We’ve pretty much saturated TV, radio, billboards, blimps and the web with our brilliant and some would say titillating campaign. In our goal to be the most visited site, we have spared no expense. How is the effort going so far? Pretty well. The first tangible sign of success was seen on Tuesday when somebody tore off a strip of paper bearing the URL from the lower left-hand side of our flyer at the copy shop. Boo-yeah, people! You are the wind beneath our fucking wings!

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