Fake

You are currently browsing the archive for the Fake category.

A Special Family Christmas With President Trump

December 25, 2015 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

'Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

And all through the house / Not a creature was stirring

Not even a louse

Not even a louse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Jonathan_G_Meath_portrays_Santa_Claus

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

Lets visit the biggest liar since President Nixon

Let’s visit the worst jackoff since President Nixon

Santa, why did you put a lump of coal in my fist?

Hey Santa, why did you put a lump of coal in my fist?

Because it said you were a fuckface when I was checking my list

Because it said you’re a fuckface when I was checking my list

I hope you brought something for my daughter or that would be wrong

I hope you brought something for my daughter, or that would be wrong

I gave her what she asked for, my big, fat, red schlong

I gave her what she asked for, my big, fat, red schlong

How dare you! Thats disgusting, but it gives my an idea. Everyone wait while I go change my gear

How dare you, that’s disgusting, but it gives me an idea / Everyone wait while I go change my gear

Santas back, my darling, and my passion is strong / I havent a condom, but what could go wrong?

Santa’s back, my darling, and my passion is strong / I haven’t a condom, but what could go wrong?

A couple months passed and then there was joy!

A couple months passed, and then there was joy!

The President would be grandfather/father to a new baby boy!

The President would be grandfather/father to a new baby boy!

I hope hes handsome like me, what a wonderful sight!

I hope he’s handsome like me, what a wonderful sight!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

donald trump make america great

Donald Trump Dies From Ebola, Goes To “Heaven”

October 24, 2014 in Fake, Humor, Misc. | Permalink

Wow, St. Peter, that's some tan you've got.

Wow, St. Peter, that’s some tan you’ve got.

St. Peter?!? I mean, duh, I’m wearing horns.

And I'm wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is some piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

And I’m wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is a big piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

How so?

We class up the joint, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, European women who've "modeled," and my name in big letters everywhere.

We class it up, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, Eastern European models and my name in big gold letters everywhere.

That sounds hideous. It would actually make this place even worse. You’ve got a deal.

Great. But first we have to install some air conditioners. I'm burning up in this place.

Great. But first we need to install some air conditioners. I’m burning up.

Not happening, Hamburglar.

 

 

President Obama Announces His Resignation

September 18, 2014 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

My fellow Americans, if you dipshits can stop beating the snot out of each other in elevators for five fucking minutes, I have something to say to you.

Should we have taken the stairs?

Okay. But just five minutes.

Five years ago, I took over the governance of a badly damaged country from an alcoholic who couldn't find oil in Texas.

In 2009, I took over the governance of a badly damaged country from an alcoholic who couldn’t find oil in Texas.

I painted kitty cats..

I painted kitty cats.

But nothing I do pleases you geniuses. Even Obamacare, which is a rousing success in every way, is hated by the very people who need it most.

But nothing I do pleases you geniuses. Even Obamacare, a rousing success by every measure, is hated by the very people who need it most.

Stay away, you death panels.

Stay away, you death panels.

I'jj get you the way I got Joan Rivers.

I’ll get you the way I got Joan Rivers.

Despite my best efforts, the world has gotten even dumber. I got rid of bin Laden and now they've got terrorists wiho wear Rolexes.

Despite my best efforts, the world has become even dumber. I waxed Osama bin Laden and now they’ve got terrorists who wear Rolexes.

The guys got it for me as a surprise. I mean, it was sweet.

The guys got it for me for my birthday. It was really thoughtful.

Eberyone chipped in. Except for Al-Bilawi, that cheapskate.

Everyone chipped in. Except for Al-Bilawi, that cheapskate.

I told you I left my wallet in my other flak jacket.

I told you I left my wallet in my other vest.

You rocket scientists want your crossing guards armed with howitzers.

Domestically, things are just as stupid. You rocket scientists want your crossing guards armed with howitzers.

Don't cross on yellow. DON'T CROSS ON YELLOW!

Don’t cross on yellow. DON’T CROSS ON YELLOW!

Ive added jobs for 46 straight months and you babies continue to whine.

I’ve added jobs for 55 straight months despite dealing with a do-nothing Congress, and you babies continue to whine.

My iPhone 5 isn’t good enough. I want the iPhone 6. Do something.

Even quality of the our celebrities having nude photos leaked has hit rock bottom.

Even the quality of our celebrities having nude photos leaked has hit rock bottom.

Now everyone will see my nipples.

Now everyone will see my nipples.

Im doing all the

I’m doing all the heavy lifting and all you derps care about is my tan suit.

It's un-Presidential!

That’s because it’s un-Presidential!

So I'm announcing my resignation.

So I’m announcing my resignation.

Yay! Now I get to be President!

Now I get to be President!

Wait for it...

Wait for it…

I've determined it's best that I pre-resign as President and effect change in America in other ways. Mostly reality shows and family brawls in Costco parking lots.

I’ve determined it’s best I pre-resign from the Presidency and effect change in America in other ways. Mostly through reality shows and family brawls in Costco parking lots.

I've got to get out of here before Charles Barkley says something else really stupid.

I’ve got to get out of office before Charles Barkley says one more stupid thing.

All black folks beat their children with trees.

All black folks beat their children with trees.

Dumb motherfucker. You ready to roll, Michelle?

In closing, you trolls can go screw yourselves. Now you’ll get what you so richly deserve.

“The Book Is More A Reflection On How All Civilizations Are Doomed To Die”

August 5, 2014 in Books, Excerpts, Fake, Science/Tech | Permalink

From Hugh Schofield of the BBC, more about Planet of the Apes novelist Pierre Boulle, who was always mystified by the success of his story about a simian civilization:

“In Boulle’s original book the story is told by two honeymooners holidaying in space, who find a bottle containing a manuscript. It is by a French journalist who tells of his adventures on a planet run by monkeys, where the humans are the dumb animals.

At the end of the account, the journalist arrives back at Orly airport in Paris where he finds the staff… are apes. And there is a kicker when we discover the two honeymooners are themselves chimpanzees.

The one moment the book does not contain is possibly the most memorable point of the film – the discovery at the end of the half-buried Statue of Liberty.

In the film, this communicates the astounding fact that the travellers have fast-forwarded in time, and that they are back on Earth – an Earth devastated by nuclear war, in which the apes have emerged as the new dominant species.

In Boulle’s book, the events take place not on Earth but on a distant planet. (In fact the 2001 film remake by Tim Burton was closer to the book’s plot.)

‘It is a big difference. In the film there is this sense of human responsibility. It is man that has led to the destruction of the planet,’ says Clement Pieyre, who catalogued Boulle’s manuscripts at the French National Library.

‘But the book is more a reflection on how all civilisations are doomed to die. There has been no human fault. It is just that the return to savagery will come about anyway. Everything perishes,’ he says”

Tags: , ,

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

December 24, 2013 in Fake, Humor, Misc. | Permalink

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house…

...not a creature was stirring...

…not a creature was stirring…

Not a creature was stirring, not even a souse.

…not even a louse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…

In the hope that paparazzi soon would be there.

…in the hopes that the paparazzi soon would be there.

Now Vinny!

Now Vinny!

Now Victor!

Now Victor!

Now Vito!

Now Vito!

Now Sheamus!

Now Sheamus!

Please photograph me.

Please take my photo.

I'm desperate to be famous!

I want to be famous!

I'll protect you, darling.

I’ll protect you, my dear. They won’t get anywhere near you.

Protect me from what? Paps are good for my career.

Stay away from me, dummy, or I’ll smack you with a horseshoe.

I want a reality show and a spacious new palace.

You’ll cost me a reality show and a spacious new palace.

My life is more confusing than the plotline of Malice.

My life’s more confused than the plotline of Malice.

What is the source of your furious behavior?

What is the source of your furious behavior?

I'm insecure about my manhood and need to be a savior.

I’m insecure about my manhood and need to be a savior.

What is the source of your furious behavior?

Perhaps switch to decaf and learn to shut up.

Either way, when this is over, I'm contesting the pre-nup.

Regardless, when this is over, I’ll contest the prenup.

Until then I'll rage...

Until then, I’ll rage…

Until then I'll rage.

…and attack…

...and make scenes.

…and make scenes.

But Happy Christmas to all, even you cocksucking queens!

But Happy Christmas to all, even all you toxic queens.

 

___________________________

Happy holidays, Afflictor readers, whatever religion or culture you observe. Unless you think your stupid personal mythology makes you better than someone else. Then you should go scratch your ass with a broken milk bottle. Because none of us is special. I mean, most of us actually deserve a good caning. So let’s tear down the pretenses and egos and statues, and realize that we’re all just sacks of shit. Beautiful sacks of shit, sure, but that’s it. After all, we only believe those nonsense religions because we’re afraid of dying. And we should be. Death is a bastard.

Anyhow: Happy holidays!–Darren

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

May 20, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

mmm

Donald Trump: Lost a Rolex once while fisting.

Donald Trump recently got into trouble when he sent out a tweet that seemed anti-Semitic.

_____________________

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

I promise you that I’m much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz – I mean Jon Stewart @TheDailyShow. Who, by the way, is totally overrated.

_____________________

That does sound sort of prejudiced, like he’s trying to “expose” Stewart as Jewish, as if that were a negative thing to be, something shameful that must be hidden. But maybe Donald Trump didn’t intend it that way. I mean, it’s not like he referred to Stewart with an anti-Semitic stereotype by calling him “pushy” or something like that.

_____________________

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump: 

Jon Stewart(?) nothing funny or smart just loud & obnoxious, a pushy dope.

_____________________

Okay, yes, Donald Trump is anti-Semitic in addition to being an orange-headed racist buffoon. But give him credit for one thing: He is a stud nonpareil. He says so himself and why would Donald Trump lie?

_____________________

@ChrisCJackson: @realDonaldTrump I’m pretty sure your wife is cheating on you at this exact second.” Sorry, no-one else can satisfy her!

_____________________

Generous man that he is, Donald Trump is ready to share his sex tips with aspiring hounds.

Wear form-fitting clothes to show off your rock-hard abs.

Okay guys, remember to wear form-fitting clothes to show the ladies your rock-hard abs. You’ll have them salivating like I do.

If that doesn't work, introduce them to your only really attractive quality.

If that doesn’t work, introduce them to your only really attractive quality.

Then you kiss the pussy like this.

Next you kiss the pussy like this.

Then you put the thing in the whole.

Then you put the thing in the hole.

But will it work for an average joe like me

But will it work for an average joe like me, Mr. Trump.

Of course. Just try it on the next hot mess you meet in a singles bar.

Of course. Just try it on the next hot mess you meet in a singles bar.

I did what you said, Mr. Trump, and I got crabs. Now my stuff itches like a bastard.

I did what you said and got terrible crabs. My stuff really itches.

Not to worry. Just use some of my new Trump Crab Spray for Men. It's classy. Just remember not to ingest it. Highly toxic.

Not to worry. Just use some of my new Trump Crab Spray for Men. It’s classy. Just remember not to ingest it. Highly toxic.

But it tastes so freaking good.

Do not drink it!

Do not drink it!

Does it come in a bigger size?

Does it come in a bigger size?

Stop drinking it!

Stop drinking my delicious crotch spray or someone will die!

THE END.

THE END.

Tags: , ,

Exclusive: Sen. Ted Cruz’s Left Testicle Forms Exploratory Committee

May 2, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, a paranoid and evil wackjob, has formed an exploratory committee to see if he should run for President in 2016.

Sen. Ted Cruz, a McCarthy-esque wackjob, has formed an exploratory committee to see if he should run for President in 2016.

But so has his left testicle.

But so has his left testicle.

Who can forget the great job the testicle did during the hearings to weed out imaginary communists from our military?

Who can forget the great job the testicle did during the hearings to weed out imaginary traitors in our government?

General, I'm going to need you to name names.

General, I’m going to need you to name names.

Wait, am I being interrogated by part of somebody's junk?

Wait, am I being interrogated by part of somebody’s junk?

You are, General.

You are, General.

Wait, am I being interrogated by part of somebody's junk?

What happened to the peen?

You are, General.

Never mind, you traitor!

Ted Cruz's left testicle has also been tough on undocumented workers.

Ted Cruz’s left testicle has also been tough on undocumented workers.

¿por qué me odias, Senor Ballo?

¿por qué me odias, Senor Ballo?

Ted Cruz's left testicle just needs a solid running mate and he has a clear path to the nomination.

Ted Cruz’s left testicle just needs a good running mate.

Perhaps Allen West's right nut might be interested.

Perhaps Allen West’s right nut might be interested.

I'm Ted Cruz's left nut and I approved this message.

I’m Ted Cruz’s left testicle and I approve this message.

More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:

Tags:

Exclusive: CNN’s New Correspondent In Syria

April 24, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

It’s been a tough stretch at CNN: bad ratings, awful reporting about the Boston Marathon bombing and new network president Jeff Zucker saying that he wants to “broaden the definition of news,” while adding a lot of entertainment shows to the schedule. But at least CNN has an exciting new correspondent.

Hi, I'm Billy Eichner, from Billy on the Street, reporting from Syria for CNN.

I’m Billy Eichner, from Billy on the Street, reporting from outside the former American Embassy in Syria for CNN.

Assad is going to murder you, gays!

Assad is going to murder you, you gays!

The American homosexual is correct.

The American homosexual is correct.

For a dollar, who is

For a dollar, who has had more work done, Joan Rivers or Sarah Palin?

My children have died from typhoid and my husband was boiled in acid.

My children have died from a lack of potable water and my husband was boiled in acid.

Wrong, you moron. It was Sarah Palin.

Wrong, you moron. It was Sarah Palin.

For a dollar, what is the best way to destroy a hostage's genitals, ball-peen hammer or a pair of rusty pliers?

For a dollar, the best way to wreck a political prisoner’s genitals is by using a ball-peen hammer or rusty pliers?

I have been using a ball-peen hammer. but these rusty pliers sound interesting.

I have been using a ball-peen hammer. but these rusty pliers sound interesting.

That's right. You win a dollar.

Correct!. You win a dollar!

The American homosexual is correct.

Great. In Syria these days, a dollar will buy many pairs of rusty pliers.

Assad is going to murder you, gays!

Assad is going to murder you, you gays!

Jeff Zucker: I'm just trying to broaden the definition of what news is.

Jeff Zucker: I’m just trying to broaden the definition of news.

Rupert: Good job, Jeff.

Rupert: Good job, Jeff.

More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:

Tags: ,

Shocker: President Obama Announces Resignation

April 23, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

My fellow Americans, if you could put down you bombs and assault weapons for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.

My fellow Americans, if you could put down your hand grenades and cheeseburgers for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.

I

I ran for the highest office in the land in order to improve this country. But I’ve come to the conclusion that you violent half-wits deserve to continue sitting in your shit-filled diapers. So I am resigning.

My fellow Americans, if you could put down you bombs and assault weapons for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.

I have seen some horrors during my time as President of this deeply stupid country.

Social drinkers with odd tans.

Social drinkers with violent mood swings.

Senators with pretty lips who seem to have a lot of repressed energy.

Senators with delicate lips who seem to have a lot of repressed energy.

Women who've had sex with guns.

People who love their assault weapons so much that they might as well fuck them and give birth to their children.

Dipshits who don't realize that the fucking Joker is a character in a fucking movie.

Dipshits who are unaware that the Joker is a fucking character in a fucking movie.

And whatever this thing is.

And whatever this thing is.

It's me!

It’s me!

You white people have aged me horribly. I look like Dr. J's grandfather.

You fat stumblefucks have aged me horribly. I look like Dr. J’s grandfather.

You tell ’em, Pop-Pop.

My fellow Americans, if you could put down you bombs and assault weapons for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.

In summation, I hate you all so much. In addition to resigning, I’m renouncing my American citizenship and moving to Kenya.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Farewell. Now you jackasses will get what you so richly deserve.

Now you jackasses will get what you so richly deserve.


More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:

Tags:

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

March 19, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump:

Donald Trump: Could put a casino in the Lincoln bedroom.

The only time Donald Trump seems to tell the truth is in legal depositions when he acknowledges that he may be given to exaggerating just a tiny bit. Otherwise, he inflates everything about himself to match his distended ego. Take, for instance, the ratings of his idiotic TV show. Donald Trump was very happy with the numbers for the premiere episode.

_____________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

@CelebApprentice wins 10-11 o’clock hour in all key ratings demographics, including, most importantly, the 18-49 age group.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Additionally, @CelebApprentice ranked as the #1 program in the 9-11 pm time period with adults in the 25-54 age group.

_____________________

Reality, however, may be slightly at odds with Trump’s accounting. From TV By The Numbers:

‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Returns Down

Time Net Show 18-49 Rating/Share Viewers (Millions)
9:00 FOX Family Guy – R 1.9/5 4.11
CBS The Good Wife 1.6/4 8.94
NBC Celebrity Apprentice (9-11PM) – Season Premiere 1.6/4 5.08
ABC Red Widow (9-11PM) – Series Premiere 1.4/4 6.92

 

10:00 CBS The Mentalist 1.5/4 9.10


_____________________

But being trounced by The Good Wife and The Mentalist in key demos can’t get Donald Trump down. He’s excited about putting up one of his tasteful buildings right near the White House. From Conservative Read, that bastion of journalistic excellence:

“A couple of years ago, I saw a major, major state dinner — and it was in tent on the White House lawn. A bad tent. Probably a tent that the guy who owns the tent made a fortune. (He) probably rented it for one night for more than it cost him. I said to myself, ‘Here’s China in a tent.’

I called up the White House, someone I know very well, very high position, and I said, ‘I will offer to build, free of charge, the most beautiful ball room in the country, anywhere. I will do it. It’ll cost anywhere from 50-100 million dollars. You can get the greatest architects. We’ll make it perfectly sympathetic with the White House and the architecture. It’ll be fabulous.’ They said, ‘Thank you very much! What an offer!’ We never heard from them.”

What an amazing building it would be! But Donald Trump still has one problem. He wants to place a fountain out front and he has to work out some details. Perhaps his friend Glenn Beck can help him.

Glenn, it's Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of golden liquid. What do you suggest?

Glenn, it’s Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of classy, golden liquid. What do you suggest?

How bout using my urine, Donald?

How about using my urine, Donald?

Great idea, Glenn. You start knocking back the Snapple--I'm gonna need a geyser's worth.

Great idea. You start knocking back the Snapple. I need a geyser’s worth.

Classy!

Classy!

Wow, that's gonna look classy. And no one would be stupid enough to actually drink from the fountain.

Wow, it looks great. And no one would be stupid enough to drink from the fountain.

The Obama Administration doesn't want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I'm gonna.

Obama doesn’t want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I’m gonna.

Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy looking drink and I don't? I'm a very important man.

Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy beverage and I don’t? I’m a very important man.

That's more like it. Cheers.

That’s more like it. Cheers.

Oh, no. I just drank Genn Beck's whiz. I better call my doctor.

Oh, no! I just drank Genn Beck’s whiz. I better call my doctor.

Hello. Dr. Morey's office.

Dr. Morey’s office.

Gloria, It's Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It's an emergency!

Gloria, It’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It’s an emergency!

Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine would like to speak to you.

Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine wants to speak to you.

Put Trump through, Gloria.

Put Trump through, Gloria.

Am I gonna survive, Doc?

Am I gonna survive, Doc?

I've got good news and bad news.

I’ve got good news and bad news, dum-dum.

What's the bad news?

What’s the bad news?

You're ugly. Oh, and you've got six months to live.

You’re ugly. Oh, and you’ve got six months to live.

That's terrible! What's the good news?

That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

You can use it as a business opportunity.

Think of the situation as a business opportunity.

My god, he's right!

Morey’s right!

Donald Trump Breat Spray. For those times when you're breath smells like Glenn Beck's piss.

Donald Trump Breath Spray. For times when you’re tongue tastes like Glenn Beck’s piss.

Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Mprey. I accidentally drank urine again.

Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. I accidentally drank urine again.

More recent fake, comedy crap:

 

Tags: ,

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

February 18, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

mmmm

Donald Trump: Tic Tac Dough still thinks he’s a scumbag.

It’s usually the last person who should be pointing fingers who points them first. Like when Donald Trump scolds other people for adultery or accuses someone else’s restaurant of having bad food. Recently, Donald Trump has been trying to get revenge on Brian Williams because the NBC anchor chided him for his disgraceful Twitter antics on Election Day. He’s been insulting the newsman because of his low-rated primetime show, Rock Center.

________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Looks like @bwilliams is having some problems with his Rock Center with Brian Williams show–I hate to see such bad ratings for @NBC.

________________________

Of course, Brian Williams has consistently had the number one network evening newscast, drawing nearly 10 million viewers a night to a non-primetime show. If only Donald Trump’s show was drawing such numbers for NBC in primetime:

“On NBC, the finale of Celebrity Apprentice was up four-tenths, drawing a 2.2 compared to last week’s 1.8 among adults 18-49. However, this was the lowest-rated finale episode of the series to date.” (TVbythenumbers.com.)

________________________

But there’s some good news for Donald Trump: A major news organization recently conducted a scientific survey and discovered that Donald Trump is the third most envied person in America.

________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Wow—Family Feud said I am the third most envied man in America. I respectfully disagree—I am very modest.
Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
If I’m the third most envied man in America, the small group of haters and losers must be nauseas.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Great going.
________________________

I myself am feeling a little “nauseas” right now. However, Donald Trump shouldn’t get too excited–the same 100 people who were too dumb to get out of answering that Family Feud survey also gave these responses when asked the following question: “When someone mentions ‘the King,’ to whom might he or she be referring?”

________________________

But Donald Trump is being too modest. He was mentioned on the Family Feud another time. It’s time to play the Feud.

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

The category is “Things You Would Ingest to Avoid Seeing Donald Trump Naked.” And your answer is “Butt Brownies.” The survey says…

ff11

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

Can I get real with you for a minute, woman?

I wish you would.

I wish you would.

I mean, can I get very real?

I've already stated my preference that you become more real.

I’ve already stated my preference that you become more real.

What if there was no other option? What if it became an existential nightmare and there was no way for you to avoid looking at Donald Trump naked? What would you do?

Blechh!

Blechh!

If I wasn't already dead, I'd shoot myself.

If I wasn’t already dead, I’d shoot myself.

_______________________

More recent fake, comedy crap:

Tags: ,

How Manti Te’o Spent Valentine’s Day

February 15, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

mmm

How you doing, girlfriend?

nnn

My pussy is wet.

"How you doning?"

Mine, too.

nnn

Wait, I thought you were the guy.

"How you doning?"

Oh, right. Hold on, I’ve got another call.

Hello, would you like to take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?

Hi, can you take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?

"How you doning?"

Woman, I told you to not call me here. What if my girlfriend finds out?

Hello, would you like to take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?

I’m a telemarketer.

"How you doning?"

I don’t care what you do for a living. As long as it makes you happy, girl.

Hello, would you like to take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?

I’m hanging up now.

"How you doning?"

I’ll talk to you later.

Hello, would you like to take 10 minutes to save 10% on your auto insurance?

No, you won’t.

"How you doning?"

I’m back.

nnn

Was that one of your sluts?

"How you doning?"

Don’t crowd me, woman.

nnn

But I want us to be exclusive.

"How you doning?"

We could, if you weren’t dying from fake cancer.

nnn

I forgot. Will you at least come to my funeral?

I'd love to, but I'm going to Mars on a secret mission for NASA.

I’d love to, but I’m going to Mars on a secret mission for NASA.


More recent fake comedy crap:

Tags:

“A Syndrome Characterized By Constant Anxiety In Relation To One’s Mobile Phone”

February 6, 2013 in Excerpts, Fake, Science/Tech, Urban Studies | Permalink

The choice for the best word of 2012 from the committee at the Australian dictionary, the Macquarie:

phantom vibration syndrome

noun a syndrome characterised by constant anxiety in relation to one’s mobile phone and an obsessional conviction that the phone has vibrated in response to an incoming call when in fact it hasn’t.

_____________________________

And the people’s choice:

First World problem

noun a problem that relates to the affluent lifestyle associated with the First World, and that would never arise in the poverty-stricken circumstances of the Third World, as having to settle for plunger coffee when one’s espresso machine is not functioning.

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

February 6, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump: Emboldened by stupidity.

Donald Trump: Emboldened by stupidity.

Donald Trump is completely full of shit, yet there’s still a void within him. He will do anything for attention, even filing frivolous lawsuits. He recently threatened to sue the rapper Mac Miller, who recorded a song called “Donald Trump,” seemingly irked because the performer made critical but not slanderous remarks about him.

_____________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Little @MacMiller, I’m now going to teach you a big boy lesson about lawsuits and finance. You ungrateful dog!

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Little @MacMiller, you illegally used my name for your song “Donald Trump” which now has over 75 million hits.

_____________________________

Like the rest of Donald Trump’s existence, it is a stupid waste of everybody’s time. But he went even further with comedian Bill Maher, who jokingly promised to pay Donald Trump $5 million if the miserable mogul could prove that he wasn’t fathered by an orangutan. Even though there’s no legitimate basis for a suit, Donald Trump has indeed filed one.

_____________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

@BillMaher didn’t come through with his promised $5 million for chairty so today I will sue him.

_____________________________

It’s easy to see where the legal proceedings are heading.

"Hello, Gloria, it's Donald Trump. I need to speak to my lawyer, Morey."

Hello, Gloria, it’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to my lawyer, Morey.

Morey, that horrible man who looks like calcified urine wants to file a frivolous lawsuit.

Morey, that horrible man who looks like calcified urine wants to file a frivolous lawsuit.

Put Trump through right away, Gloria. I need a new houseboat.

Morey was on fire during the trial.

Morey was on fire during the trial.

Members of the jury were dazzled. It looked bad for Bill Maher.

Members of the jury were dazzled. It looked bad for Bill Maher.

But I have a surprise witness.

But wait…I have a surprise witness.

Donnie boy! It’s me…Papa!

Jury foreman, how do you rule on Mr. Trump's case?

Jury foreman, how do you rule on Mr. Trump’s case?

I've been robbed! This never would have happened if Judge Judy was handling the case. She has a lot of money, so she's a winner.

I’ve been robbed! This never would have happened if Judge Judy was handling the case. She has a lot of money, so she’s a winner.

Judge Judy: I once presided over the landmark case of the missing potato chip.

I presided over the landmark case of the missing potato chip.

THE END.

THE END.

More recent fake comedy crap:

Tags: , , ,

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

February 1, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump: It took 66 years to make this mess.

Donald Trump can urinate in a jug three feet from a toilet if he feels like. He has that kind of money. It’s Howard Hughes territory. What the orange-headed racist buffoon lacks, among other things, is happiness. He tries to fill that empty sack where a soul should be by drawing attention to himself at any cost. Often he engages in public feuds with celebrities who’ve never done a thing to him. Sometimes, for instance, he attacks them for doing things he himself has done.

_________________________

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!

_________________________

And so can all three of Donald Trump’s wives! But what grandpa really specializes in are large-scale embarrassing ploys, like the racist “business deal” he offered to President Obama during the election. The latest delusional idea hatched by the hideous hotelier is that he may purchase the struggling New York Times, something that will never happen. But what if it did? Of course, it would fail the way Trump’s magazines have always failed. But until then, it would be a classy publication.

Donald Trump’s

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Miss America’s Pussy Smells Good

By PAUL KRUGMAN
Published: January 29, 2013

______________________________

OP-ED COLUMNIST

I Met A Broad In A Casino. She Was Not Flat.

By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: January 29, 2013

______________________________

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Poor People Are Losers

By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: January 30, 2013

______________________________

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Women Without Breast Implants Need Burqas

By GAIL COLLINS
Published: January 30, 2013

______________________________

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Mr. Cuddles Writes Words Good!!

By MR. CUDDLES
Published: January 29, 2013

 

Tags: ,

The Manti Te’o Story Just Got Even Worse

January 19, 2013 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Manti Te’o was having an affair behind his dead, fake girlfriend’s back…

…with that slut Jenny…

...even though she was already pregnant with Kanye's baby...

…even though she was already pregnant with Kanye’s baby.

,,,but then a shark killed Jenny...

But then Jenny was eaten by a shark.

We miss you, Jenny.

We miss you, Jenny.

Fuck you, shark.

Fuck you, shark.

Tags:

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

December 28, 2012 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump: Hypocrisy is a sham.

Perhaps it won’t end for Donald Trump the way it did for Gaddafi. Time will tell. Trump, who receives a lot of fan mail, feels that he can insult whomever he wants and never has to apologize for his boorish behavior. But others who say mean things about him need to beg his forgiveness. 

____________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

If Sheena Monnin apologized for her mistake, as she should have, I would have treated her very nicely.

____________________________

Sheena Monin was a contestant in the Miss USA pageant who claimed that the contest was rigged. She was sued for defamation and lost her case. In all fairness, not even someone as dumb as Donald Trump would fix a contest like that. He knows that kind of behavior could get him into a lot of trouble. Of course, Donald Trump recently called a slightly more important competition–the U.S. Presidential election–a “sham” and a “disgusting injustice” when his candidate was defeated fair and square. He has never said he is sorry for defaming that contest.

But Donald Trump was right about the pageant: Sheena Monin should have apologized. In fact, a lot of people should tell Donald Trump they’re sorry.

Thinks Don Ho was a Hawaiian gangster.

Sal, Barber: My apologies for making you look like a turd blossom, Mr. Trump. I do it because I hate you.

Dottie, Retired Schoolteacher: I’m sorry I gave you passing grades, you toolbox, but I just couldn’t bear to look anymore at that cunt you call a face.

Dave, Animal Wrangler: I'm sorry I lined my bird's cage with a photo of you. I had plenty of old newspapers.

Dave, Animal Wrangler: I’m sorry I lined my bird’s cage with  your photo, but I didn’t want to get ostrich diarrhea on old newspapers.

Don, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men's cologne to kill roaches.

Vincent, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men’s cologne to kill roaches. My bad.

Tina, Biologist: I'm sorry I learned how to read, which has allowed me to realize that your TV show, casinos and beauty pageants are incredibly fucking stupid.

Tina, Biologist: I’m sorry I learned how to read, which has made me realize that your TV show, casinos and beauty pageants are all incredibly fucking stupid.

Dr. Henry Benson, Obstetrician: I'm sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother's crack.

Dr. Benson, Obstetrician: I’m sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother’s crack.

Tags: ,

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

December 21, 2012 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump, who stinks, believes it’s okay to falsely accuse others of failing at things he himself has actually failed at. Magazine editor Graydon Carter has pointed out Trump’s boorish, bigoted behavior at Spy and Vanity Fair, so Trump thought he would take a couple of potshots at him.

____________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
How is @VanityFair editor Graydon Carter allowed to run bad food restaurant Beatrice Inn? Fire Graydon!

Afflictor: If there’s one thing Donald knows about, it’s bad food.

____________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
@VanityFair looks like a dying magazine! Really really boring, really really thin!
 
Afflictor: If there’s another thing Donald knows about, it’s dying magazines.
 

 ____________________________
 
Of course, Donald Trump may just be stressed out these days because he’s so busy answering the many letters he receives from fans.
 
____________________________

 

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Thousands of fans have been sending letters to Trump Tower in anticipation of @CelebApprentice. Really good show.
____________________________

 
 

llll

Dear Donald, Whenever I watch Celebrity Apprentice, my anal hair becomes irritated. Please advise. Sincerely, Mr. Cuddles.

Dear Cuddles,

Listen, Cuddles, I’m sure there’s an ointment for that. Or perhaps you could shave your ass. Most of my fans are ass-shavers.

Any time I turn on Celebrity Apprentice rats commence to gnawing on my balls. William

My good man, Any time I turn on Celebrity Apprentice, rats commence to gnawing on my balls. Yours, William.

Dear Cuddles,

Willie, I would suggest you to pick up a bottle of Donald Trump Ball Spray for Men.

Available at Macy's and other

Available at Macy’s and other high-end dealers of ball spray.

Can I use it on my irritable ass hair?

Can I use it on my irritable ass hair?

Not unless you have balls in your ass.

Not unless you have balls in your ass.

Oh, I do!

Oh, I do!

My vagina gets sleepy whenever I watch

Dear Mr. Trump, My vagina gets sleepy whenever I watch Celebrity Apprentice. Can you help?

A lively snatch is important.

Perhaps you could visualize me waving money around to perk up your hoo haa. That seems to work with the women in my life. Or maybe it could be another business opportunity for me.

Available at Macy's and other

Donald Trump’s Snatch Spray for Women. Available at Macy’s and other fine dealers of ladypart squirts.

Tags: , ,

Even More Proof That Donald Trump Is A Moron

December 14, 2012 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald Trump: Stretching the truth and his belt.

Donald Trump, who once lost an argument to a soda machine, is neither bright nor honest. We know that he misuses words to suit his own needs. Recently he tweeted about Penn Jillette and used the word “begged.”

______________________________

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

I let @pennjillette come back on the record 13th season of ‘All Star’@CelebApprentice after he relentlessly begged me to–good t.v.

______________________________

The actual conversation.

 

"Penn, I need you to be on "Celebrity Apprentice" again this year."

“Penn, I need you to be on Celebrity Apprentice again this year.”

"I'm going to be busy that month spraying my genitals with mace."

“I wish I could, but I’m going to be busy that month spraying my genitals with mace.”

"It's going to be a big season. You'll be competing against Phyllis Diller's bones and the bassist from Quiet Riot."."

“It’s going to be a big season. You’ll be competing against Phyllis Diller’s bones and the bassist from Quiet Riot.”

"But my blind penis won't be able to see any of it."

“But my blind penis won’t be able to see any of it.”

"If you agree to be on the show, I'll introduce you to some of the women from my beauty pageants."

“If you agree to be on the show, I’ll introduce you to some of the women from my beauty pageants.”

"But I'm married.."

“But I’m married with children.”

"Your point being?"

“Your point being?”

"Listen, your show is horrendous and you're horrendous, but I've got a book to sell, so okay."

“Listen, your show is horrendous and you’re horrendous, but I’ve got a new book to sell, so okay.”

"Stop begging, Penn."

“Stop begging, Penn.”

Buy Penn Jillette’s Everyday Is An Atheist Holiday at Amazon and all fine booksellers.

Tags: , ,

The Making Of Donald Trump’s Cologne For Men

November 29, 2012 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

We sent in a forensic squad to recover Beefsteak Charlie’s sweaty golf shirt.

Precautions were taken.

We assigned our classiest scientists to the project.

Some brave souls were lost.

But at last…success!

Get Macy’s on the phone.

Some customers buy it by the gallon.

Now your husband smells great.

Did we get a cat?

Why does Daddy smell like a racist buffoon?

Tags: ,

A Modest Proposal For Donald Trump

October 26, 2012 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Donald: AIDS charities just a pawn in the game.

Since Donald Trump made an insulting challenge to the President to reveal his passport and college records in return for a donation to charity, we thought it was okay to make such an offer to Trump.

Here goes: There’s a sick boy who can’t walk, and we know how to make him healthy again. If you agree to our proposal, we will help him. If not, we’ll take him to a cliff and push him off. It’s up to you. We also know the cure for AIDS and cancer and we will share them, but only if you do what we say.

What we want is the following: 1) Reveal the documents showing how much money, land and contacts your father handed over to a “self-made man” such as yourself. 2) Explain how much he helped bail you out when you nearly blew all these advantages. 3) Perform oral sex on a racehorse.

The last condition is really important. That horse penis is not going to suck itself. If you accept our humiliating offer, a child will walk again and many sick people will be well. If you don’t do what we say, we have to question your sense of charity.

You might be asking, why wouldn’t they just help sick people if they can? It wouldn’t change their lifestyle at all. Why do they have to denigrate someone else in order to perform a kind act? What kind of people attach embarrassing conditions to good works?

Frankly, we’re puzzled that you can ask so many questions with that horse cock in your mouth. But we understand your point. Anyone who would behave this way, who would so desperately want to reduce others is a hugely unhappy person who realizes down deep how awful they are and feels lonely in that awfulness. Such a person would want to drag other people down to that level, especially a person who is accomplished and dignified.

Think about it, dum-dum. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. A lot of people now know what a racist buffoon you are, so it would be very good publicity for you to help a sick child. It would kind of be like Babe Ruth visiting an ailing kid in the hospital and promising to hit him a home run. You know, if Babe Ruth gargled with horse jizz. We await your decision.•

Jimmy: Please suck off that pony, Mr. Trump.

Butterscotch: Hung like a fire hydrant.

Tags: ,

“Is The Trade-Off Worth It?”

October 21, 2012 in Excerpts, Fake, Science/Tech | Permalink

From Peter Aspden’s Financial Times piece about the slate of recent hand-wringing books about the future of cinema, a passage regarding the creative destruction that technology has brought to cinema:

“It is one of the most famous one-liners in the history of cinema, which also turned out to be an inadvertent prophecy. ‘I am big,’ says the slighted Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard (1950). ‘It’s the pictures that got small.’

She had no idea. The past half-century has seen the pictures get smaller and smaller, to the point that we wonder if they can ever be big again. From television screen, to laptop, to smartphone, the ever-shrinking movies reach a greater part of the world than ever before. But what have we lost along the way? On a recent flight, I downloaded the relatively well-received Marvel spin-off The Avengers to watch on my iPhone. It was, of course, a ridiculous venture, this squeezing of monumental themes on to a miniaturist canvas, lacking in textural detail, atmosphere, communality of experience. But it was easily accessible, convenient and cheap. Is the trade-off worth it?”

Tags:

Oh, Snap! Christmas Is Cancelled This Year.

December 23, 2011 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Santa Claus: Fuck you, 99%.

Word has arrived that there will be no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow Santa will see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney. If you’d worked harder, you’d be able to buy your own. If Santa drops by your house at all on Christmas, it will be to raise your credit card rates. But he’ll probably just go directly to Hooters and check out the tail. Occupy that, bitches.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

Nana (1935-2011)

Kris, checking out the local talent.

 • • • • • • • • • •

Happy holidays to all of you, no matter what bullshit religion or culture you subscribe to. They’re all stupid and none of it makes you any better than anyone else, so get over yourself. And if you’re the kind of twat who has some sort of personal sense of exceptionalism, if you believe that life is a perfect meritocracy and people get what they truly deserve, remember to stand under the mistletoe and bite yourself really hard. Oh, and a special “fuck you” to anyone who buys magazines that fetishize food when there are starving people in the world. I mean, you should be ashamed. Enjoy the holidays!

Pardoned Turkeys Murdered Gangland Style

November 22, 2011 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

That pardon isn't for free, Paulie. We need you to work with us.

President Obama continued a Thanksgiving tradition today when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the pardons, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word got out that they’d become rats, so they had to be taken out. You went against the family, you bastards, and you deserved to die.

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and you died like it.

Paulie (2011-2011).

Frankie (2011-2011)

I promise that I will never rewatch "Goodfellas" during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn't pay. Except for most types of white-collar crime. Happy Thanksgiving, Afflictor readers!

Tags: , ,

Christmas Is Cancelled Sorta Early This Year

October 10, 2011 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Santa Claus: Wall Street fat cat.

Word has arrived already that there will be no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow he’ll see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney. Oh, and he’s raising your credit card rates, you filthbags.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

Nana (1935-2011)

« Older entries