For years, we had hoped you would win the Powerball, John Hodgman. The wealth would crush your ambition, and you would resign yourself to a Howard Hughes-like existence of reclusiveness and urine jugs. But lately we’ve grown impatient, so we’ve had to insist you voluntarily retire from show business. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a productive member of society. A job as a goat herder, say, will allow you honest work and provide a captive audience for your comedy stylings. As an added bonus, you will be permitted to slaughter one goat each week to provide for your sustenance. More likely, though, they will hang themselves.

John Hodgman: A mustache doesn’t make you Nick Offerman.

Can I borrow your shoelaces?.