“A Cruise Is The Perfect Way To Vanish, Or Make Someone Vanish Easily”

March 7, 2013 in Excerpts, Urban Studies, Videos | Permalink

I have never been on a cruise and hope to never go on one. Those ships are floating bacteria factories and if not entirely lawless, a lot less lawful than they should be. A former Senior Officer of a luxury cruise line just did an Ask Me Anything on Reddit. His introductory comments are below, followed by a few exchanges.

“Couple little known facts: The ship has a morgue. Officers mess can be 5 star dining, personal waiters and everything. Most of what you see on the love boat is total bullshit. Officers mess has beer available at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The laundry, mostly staffed with Chinese crew, had people who hadn’t seen the sun in a year. It’s really hard to get kicked off a ship, you have to fuck up royally. Only 2 things will get you booted. If you mess up the experience for a significant number of people, or create a safety hazard (like calling in a fake man overboard)”

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Question:

Were there any mysterious deaths on your lines? Do you believe that the cruise lines cover up deaths in order to avoid bad publicity?

Answer:

Renaissance was called a line for the newly weds and nearly deads. Frankly, few else could afford it. That said, we had deaths, and a tiny morgue. Heart attacks were not that uncommon either. You have to consider a few things. One, if some dies in a hotel, no one blames the hotel. If you die on a cruise ship, something mysterious must have happened. Second, the cruise ship while in International waters has no governing body or laws outside of the captain, and international maritime laws. What that means is, the captain is god, jury, and executioner on the vessel. I have not seen any cover-ups regarding deaths, but I certainly believe it happens. Frankly, knowing what I know I’m surprised more people don’t go missing. A cruise is the perfect way to vanish, or make someone vanish easily.

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Question:

Are you talking literally haven’t seen the sun for a year? There has to be some health consequences to spending a bunch of your life under deck.

Answer:

Over a year, yes. These guys would work nights and sleep all day. In fact, they wouldn’t go into port on their days off, just to save money. We had to drag one guy off the ship for his break after the contract, he wanted to keep working. They can make 20k a year in cash. A couple years and go back to china and apparently live very well.

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Question:

Whats the best part of being at sea for that long? To counter, what is the the hardest part?

Answer:

I saw the world. I saw monkeys snag a drink from the udder of a wandering cow in india, drank Cobra blood in thailand, went to Ephesus and visited the worlds oldest brothel, and had many lonely nights at sea. It was really hard on the long stretches, you get sea legs and are wobbly when you get in port. Being at sea means not having to deal with port issues, inspections, customs, loading of goods, unloading of trash, etc. It’s those lonely long nights of not wanting steak and lobster or free booze. The shimmer fades quickly when it’s your life.

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Question:

Most wtf thing you’ve seen on the job?

Answer:

I’m probably going to get sued for talking about this, but it was the presidents guest. The president of a cruise line I won’t name invited sent some friends on a free cruise, and this guy went ape shit. He forgot his meds, got smashed, and starting going after people with a steak knife, trying to find a hostage. He was thrown in the brig, and AIR lifted off via helicopter for repatriation. I don’t know how it was kept quiet, but I imagine some people got some free cruises to shut up about it.

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Question:

When betting on Monkey Knife Fights – what do you look for? 

Answer:

Strong legs, because monkey knife fights end up on the ground in a few seconds. Generally, I go with whomever Mr. Burns bets on.•

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Now in Spanish!: