That Dick Cheney Sex Tape Finally Surfaces

July 21, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

The fans respond. (Image by Landii.)

That Dick Cheney sex tape that’s been rumored to be out there for a while has finally emerged on the Internet. It’s not great quality video footage–kind of grainy–but you can clearly see it’s the former Vice President.

Some people think that Cheney’s political enemies have released the tape to embarrass him, but others believe that Cheney himself has leaked the video to boost his popularity. Nobody has any sympathy for him even though he has a ferret heart and arteries fashioned from a vacuum cleaner bag. Maybe having a sex tape in circulation will improve his standing with the public like it did for that Kardashian woman.

I’ve already had a look at the footage and it’s as graphic as you might expect. It’s certainly not for the squeamish, as there’s no pixelation. Cheney likes using his mouth a lot on the private parts and he’s really into doing it doggy style. He seems unduly proud of his blotchy skin and tiny wang. There’s a tattoo of a scorpion on his ass. He sneers throughout.

Cheney: Fuck me harder.

You have to give the former Veep credit for being pretty athletic considering he lacks a pulse and a heartbeat and shit. During the climactic scene, Cheney appears to ejaculate bat blood instead of semen. It’s possible it’s snake venom, but it really looks to have the texture and consistency of bat blood. I don’t know for sure; I’m not a bat scientist.

If the video goes viral, then perhaps Cheney will get to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars or maybe decide to run for the Presidency in 2012. Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who’s done soft-core photo spreads and videos, can be his running mate. Obama only does tasteful topless shots, so they’d have that advantage over him.

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