Michele Bachmann: The second professional wrestler to be elected in Minnesota.

Michele Bachmann: This is the most radical President, and the most radical Speaker, and the most radical Senate leader we have ever seen in the history of the country.

Decoder: I know nothing about the history of the country.

Michele Bachmann: I mean, clearly, the country has never gone this far in taking over this much of the private economy. And it is changing the way that we’re doing business in the United States forever.

Decoder: I like to speak in paranoid extremes. It distracts from my inarticulateness and incoherence.

Michele Bachmann: If you look at the approval numbers for President Obama, he’s fallen faster and farther than any previous President in the polling.

Decoder: Obama’s approval ratings are pretty much even with Ronald Reagan’s at the same point in their first term.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think [the Republicans] are going to have a full bench of great candidates coming into 2012.

Decoder: There’s the resentful lady who can’t pronounce “nuclear,” the human woodblock Bobby Jindal, serial groom Newt Gingrich and bat-shit crazy Ron Paul.

Away from me, you vampiress!

Michele Bachmann: And I don’t know that we fully yet know who our frontrunner will be, although the results that came out yesterday point to Mitt Romney.

Decoder: He’s the one who spearheaded socialized health care in Massachusetts and was pro-choice until it wasn’t politically expedient anymore. But his hair is very Reaganesque.

Michele Bachmann: Well, I think part of [the reason I’m a lightning rod] may be because when I talk about what is happening in Washington, D.C., I use the actual statements or comments or the data that Nancy Pelosi or President Obama or Harry Reid refer to.

Decoder: Or it could be because in 2008 I suggested that members of Congress should be investigated to determine if they’re “anti-American.”

Michele Bachmann: I’m really more about making sure that our nation follows our Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence.

Decoder: Unlike my political opponents, who want to tear up the Declaration of Independence and have the British rule America again. Wow, even by my low standards that statement was incredibly stupid.

Michele Bachmann: I see that our nation has strayed.

Decoder: Although I might be confusing our nation with Tiger Woods.

Michele Bachmann: I want to make sure that going forward we get back to our constitutional roots.

Decoder: Which allowed slavery and excluded women from having the vote. Those damned Amendments ruined everything!