I won 47% of the vote in a congressional district in Minnesota, so I speak for all of America.
Michele Bachmann: On Sunday, on the Sabbath, that was when Speaker Pelosi decided we had to have the [health care] vote.
Decoder: Jesus is probably very pissed off that the day of the Sabbath was used to ensure health care for poor people. He would have stepped on their throats.
Michele Bachmann: Democrats said that they were called the N-word, which of course would be wrong and inappropriate, but no one has any record of it, no witness saw it and it’s not on camera. They said they were spat upon; I walked right through the gauntlet of where they were walking.
Decoder: People who support me didn’t spit at me or insult me, so they couldn’t have done those things to anyone else.
Michele Bachmann: Are you taxed enough already?
Decoder: I don’t mean by my shrill delivery and poor facility with the English language. I was talking about tariffs, silly.
Michele Bachmann: Obama is like a kid in a candy store.
Decoder: He’s like the tall kid in the candy store, trying to buy cigarettes with a fake ID.
Michele Bachmann: If we had a 9% corporate tax, a 0% death tax and a 0% capital gains tax, do you know what we would have?
Decoder: Remarkable inequity. A historical separation between haves and have-nots. No money for basic services.
Michele Bachmann: Federal employees make twice what those of you in the private sector are making.
Decoder: And that’s why I want to eliminate those jobs. They pay well.
Michele Bachmann: One out of five federal employees makes over $100,000 a year.
Decoder: I know because I’m one of them
Michele Bachmann: The Democrats made ridiculous promises about the health care bill.
Decoder: Of course, we made some whoppers, too. Remember death panels and how America would be destroyed if health care passed? That might have been hyperbole.
Michele Bachmann: We now own the entire student-loan industry. It used to be private. Today it’s been nationalized.
Decoder: Big banks will no longer be able take $68 billion of tax money for being middlemen who risk nothing.
Michele Bachmann: If you want a student loan, you now have to go crawling to the government.
Decoder: Or you could file a loan request online. That would eliminate the crawling part. Unless your netbook isn’t near your futon.
Michele Bachmann: When you feel your pulse racing and you’re thinking something’s not right in America, that’s because spending is out of control.
Decoder: Or it could be the meth. Meth is a really bad drug. Do not use it.
Michele Bachmann: America has always been a country of renewal, of innovation, of finding the new mouse trap.
Decoder: Which, by the way, is in the foyer, behind the bookcase. It’s the kind with the glue. If people properly disposed of their food wrappers, we wouldn’t need one.
Michele Bachmann: Barack Obama’s promises aren’t working really well. I think he’s batting about zero.
Decoder: Except for that little promise he made about health-care reform. He kind of came through on that one.
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Tags: Michele Bachmann