Decoder: Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Erin Andrews

May 6, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is your most brilliant idea, Barbara. She's like Debbie Matenopolous reborn as a belligerent milkmaid. (Photo by Christopher Peterson.)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: To her credit, [Erin Andrews] wore gorgeous, classic gowns on Dancing with the Stars. But for the past three weeks, she has been wearing like next to nothing.

Decoder: And as someone who got famous for being the bikini girl on Survivor, I know what I’m talking about.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: As inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room, I mean, in some way if I’m him, I’m like, “Man! I just could’ve waited 12 weeks and seen this–a little bit less–without the prison time!”

Decoder: That harlot hath inflamed the menfolk, and she must receive a torrent of stones upon her bosom.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: When we were talking about Erin, even though I must focus on the detestable criminal who’s behind bars and ended up making her life a living hell…

Decoder: I must focus on that detestable criminal now that I’ve gotten into trouble for what I said. But that’s a shame because I really enjoyed focusing on Erin Andrews’ skimpy outfits. It was my first and most honest response.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: …I ended up hurting her so I told [my five-year-old] Grace that “Mommy feels really bad ’cause I hurt somebody.” So I took out her little devotional Mommy always reads that says that “reckless words pierce somebody’s heart like a sword.” I promised [Grace] that I would use my words more mindfully…to build people up, not break them down.

Decoder: All I do is try to break down people who don’t live up to my lofty, irrational standards, because I’m a judgmental, unintelligent little twit who’s living in a bubble.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Thankfully [my daughter who is five] and so cute said, “Mommy, why don’t you just call Erin and tell her you’re sorry?” So I did.

Decoder: Even five-year-olds are brighter than I am.

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