Rep. Mark Souder: Tiger Woods' new swing coach.

Rep. Mark Souder: I can never thank enough the people who worked so hard and have given me so much.

Decoder: Especially the lady in the abstinence video. She gave me so much.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been an honor to be a part of the battle for the freedom and values we share.

Decoder: Well, the values you share. My penis goes rogue.

Rep. Mark Souder: It has been all-consuming for me to do this job well…

Decoder: And even then I wasn’t really very good at it.

Rep. Mark Souder: …especially in a district with costly, competitive elections every two years…

Decoder: Wait a minute. I’m not going to blame my affair on having a busy schedule, am I?

Rep. Mark Souder: …I do not have any sort of normal life…

Decoder: Yeah, I’m going to blame it on the job. Here comes the money shot, so to speak.

Rep. Mark Souder: …for family, for friends, for church, for community.

Decoder: But I sure made time for that mistress.

Rep. Mark Souder: I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff.

Decoder: Why did I mention that she was a part-time member of my staff? That makes it not as bad, somehow?

Rep. Mark Souder: In the poisonous world of Washington D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, twisted for political gain.

Decoder: Well, when a guy who does abstinence videos gets caught having an affair, it does make for good copy. And remember when I called on Sen. Larry Craig to resign for hitting on men in an airport bathroom?

Rep. Mark Souder: I’m sick of politicians who drag their spouses up in front of the camera rather than confronting the problem they caused.

Decoder: Wow, this is a bad time for me to play the self-righteous scold, but I’ve been doing it for so long that I can’t help myself. I have a deep need to feel like some sort of hero, and it will always get me into trouble.