Are you too afraid to debate me, Woodrow Fucking Wilson? (Photo by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: I have to tell you, I hate Woodrow Wilson with everything in me.

Decoder: I will dig up Woodrow Wilson’s grave and fuck his skeleton. Seriously, I’ll do it. I’m that nuts.

Glenn Beck: (Writes “Progressivism” on the chalkboard.) This is the disease. This is the disease in America.

Decoder: It caused an outbreak of Abolitionism, civil rights, workers’ rights, voting rights, women’s rights, gay rights, disability rights, Medicare, public education, public libraries, consumer protection, etc.

Glenn Beck: Somebody just sent this to me this week. (Holds up book.) It’s “Progress and Democracy for Rhode Island.” You can’t read the date here but it’s 1938.

Decoder: I’m going to read from an arcane book nobody read even back then and pretend it represents all contemporary progressives.

Glenn Beck: It is big government–it’s a socialist utopia. And we need to address it as if it is a cancer. It must be cut out of the system because they cannot co-exist. And you don’t cure cancer by–well, I’m just going to give you a little bit of cancer.

Decoder: Oh, crap. My colonoscopy is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I might have to get Janet to have them move that.

Glenn Beck: (Reacts to a towel being placed at the podium by staff.) I’m like Elvis.

Decoder: I mean Old Elvis: bloated, senseless, weepy, embarrassing. I just need a karate outfit. I’ll ask Janet to order me one of those.

Glenn Beck: I’m a–I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and um, I screwed up my life six ways to Sunday,

Decoder: Tough to believe I ever had a drinking problem, huh?

Glenn Beck: I mean, you know, if drinking wasn’t causing me a problem in my life I’d be drunk right now.

Decoder: Instead of just acting drunk right now.

Glenn Beck: When the Republican Party says, wow, I’ve got a problem, please don’t say you’re just like me. Oh, and I’m just like you. No you’re not. Because I would never go to Washington. You will.

Decoder: And then you’ll have to deal with the realities of governing. You won’t be able to hop around on stage in front of a blackboard like a brainless demogogue. You’ll have to think and reason and compromise like adults. I would never stoop to that.

Glenn Beck: America is not a clown show. America is not a circus.

Decoder: Of course, that makes it tough to explain my success.

Glenn Beck: America is an idea. America is an idea that sets people free.

Decoder: Free to think just like me–or else.

Glenn Beck: (Attempts to erase blackboard but eraser doesn’t work well.) This isn’t going to work out well.

Decoder: I mean erasing the blackboard but my life also.

Glenn Beck: The Roaring Twenties–it was the largest expansion of the middle class ever. It–people started having telephones, and that evil electricity, and cars, and radios.

Decoder: I really believe electricity is evil. It silently mocks me.

Read other Decoders.