Santa Claus

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Yeah, Christmas Is Sort Of Cancelled This Year

December 23, 2010 in Humor | Permalink

Santa Claus: Nobody's bitch anymore. (Photo by Mathew Brady/ Levin Handy.)

There’s no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow he’ll see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

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Old Print Ad: Rubber Party Masks (1949)

February 6, 2010 in Misc. | Permalink

That Halfwit is going to get lung cancer from his chain-smoking.

Imagine the delight on your friends’ faces when you travel back to 1949 in your time machine and don one of these fun rubber masks. There are many interesting options to choose from, including “The Monster,” “Satan,” “The Monkey,” “Old Man,” “Old Lady,” “Clown,” and our personal favorite, “Idiot.” (“Yes, here is Halfwit in all his goofiness. People howl with laughter when you put on this life-like mask.”)  It’ll cost you $2.95 per mask or $4.95 if you want to purchase the “Santa Claus.” (It probably took a lot of extra rubber to properly approximate the jowly obesity of St. Nick.) An excerpt from the ad copy:

“Enjoy hilarious ‘monkey-shines’ at your next masquerade party with these amazing life-like rubber masks. Cover entire head…last for years…so lifelike people gasp with amazement and delight. Mold-Art Rubber Masks are made from best-grade natural flexible rubber. They cover the entire head. Yet you see through the ‘eyes.’ The mouth moves with your lips…you breathe…smoke…talk…even eat thru it.”

See other Old Print Ads.

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