Sally Field: Limping around like Barbaro. (Image by Kristin Dos Santos.)

I know you’re busy with your own lives, but it’s important that you be aware that Sally Field is still having really bad problems with her bones. Boniva, a fine product with the active ingredient, Ibandronic acid, is helping somewhat, but her bones are still all fucked up and hurt her like a bastard most of the time. It isn’t really surprising since for most of her life Field lived on a remote island where calcium was unavailable. Now she’s got shit-bone disease. Her bones don’t have any density and she recently had to give up riding a moped. Her ankles are like potato chips.

Field is even suffering from bone loss. The other day her femur fell out of her left pant leg. It just popped the fuck out and now her ass is lopsided. If you come across Sally Field’s femur lying on the sidewalk, could you do me a big favor and pick it up? Make sure you don’t step on it or use it to play fetch with your dog. It’s really brittle and you’ll crack the motherfucker into tiny pieces. Just throw it in a bag and mail it to California. Those dipshits will get it back to her. Otherwise, she’ll have to continue to cope with slanted-ass syndrome.

Femur: Remember to slap a stamp on it.