William and Kate: Bada-bing.

Has everyone in the world lost their minds? Why exactly is anyone upset that naked pictures (and perhaps sex pictures) of British royalty are being published? And why are the British royals themselves acting like it’s the end of the world? We should be worried about more important things, like all the poor people dying from starvation and all the poor people dying from obesity. (Yeah, I’m not sure how that’s possible, but it apparently is.) I’m not saying that it’s a great thing that someone took photos of a couple trying to share an intimate moment, but considering that the history of British royalty is filled with dubious or worse political proclivities and affiliations, this might be the first normal thing these people have ever done.

I do believe in privacy. If someone had reported needlessly on some embarrassment or failing or struggle or loss suffered by William and Kate, it would just be mean. And it’s not okay to be mean to people just because they’ll never have to worry about having enough to eat or paying their rent. But what has actually been revealed about these two? That they’re good-looking, in love, rich, healthy and extraordinarily privileged. Apart from the last one, those aren’t things to be embarrassed about.

There’s absolutely nothing obscene about two people having sex outdoors on a secluded 650-acre estate. Although any two people having a 650-acre estate to themselves is definitely obscene. I think everyone who’s royalty should have to earn their lavish lifestyles by having sex in public to entertain the people. Time to whip it out, you pasty layabouts.•

Camilla: Shall I get a strap-on, Charlie?

Charlie: Yes, dear. The black one, please.