Representing New York's slap-and-tickle district.

Eric Massa: I wasn’t forced out. I forced myself out. I failed. I didn’t live up to my own codes. I own this. I take full and complete responsibility for my misbehavior. And goodness only knows what allegations they are going to throw at me.

Decoder: I’ve done so much stuff even I can’t remember it all. God knows what they’ll find out.

Eric Massa: Now, they’re saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and four guys jumped on top of me.

Decoder: It was the best date ever.

Eric Massa: We all lived together, all the bachelors and me.

Decoder: Unfortunately, they weren’t confirmed bachelors.

Eric Massa: If somebody on my staff was offended, was uncomfortable, thought I was inappropriate–I own that. That’s why I resigned.

Decoder: I resigned for stuff much worse than that.

Eric Massa: Yes, I do believe in God.

Decoder: Especially his sexy, long-haired son, Jesus.

Eric Massa: I mean, I don’t know how else to put it. I own this misbehavior.

Decoder: I also own a lot of sex toys and pornos.

Eric Massa: At this point, people will be told to say anything about me.

Decoder: Mostly the truth. And that won’t make me look good.

Eric Massa: [Being a congressmen] literally for me is 120-hour workweek.

Decoder: Taking my pants off so frequently is time-consuming.

Eric Massa: Congressmen spend five to seven hours a day on the phone, begging for money.

Decoder: And for phone sex.

Eric Massa: And, by the way, when you are a freshman, you have to fill out sheets of everybody you call and how much money per hour, and they have coaches to teach how to get more money from each one of your phone calls and who to call and what data points they have on them to tickle them, to make them more apt to give you money.

Decoder: Wow, I can’t stop talking about tickling.

Eric Massa: I mean, people say that I’m making this stuff up. I’m just telling you what I learned in 14 months in the United States Congress–by the way, a Congress I deeply love.

Decoder: I want to love many congressman very, very deeply.

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